Michael Showalter - 4/18/12 (FULL EP)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 18.04.2012

Transcript:

-We are dedicating this show to the memory of Dick Clark.

Hey guys, it's Wednesday.
I'm Beth Hoyt.
It's our big show.
We here at My Damn Channel Live work all week for today.
Wednesday is like our Friday.
And, and Friday is like a Friday too.
I love my job.
OK, we have a really fun show today with My Damn Channel
Life premieres, and an amazing guest, you guys.
Michael Schowalter is here.
But before we begin, I need to address something that
happened on the show last week that I truly regret.
Last Wednesday our guest was Reggie Watts and we, I let
things get to a negative place.
You want to show them?
OK, that's fine.
-I don't drink all the time.
-You don't--
-Like [CHUGGING NOISE]
-I don't drink all the time.
-Like I do on My Damn Channel.
-I don't ever talk like that.
-I'm going to drink a lot before I go on camera.
-That's not at all-- that's not what happens.
We're OK now.
I got a love of song out of it and the hard earned lesson was
not lost on me.
As the host of My Damn Channel, I wield great power
and I must use that power with responsibility and kindness.
Today's show is the first step for me down the path of
compassion and enlightenment.
You just wait till you see I'm ensuring that Michael
Schowalter's visit is a positive one.
Also, you have to wait.
Now in the spirit of giving, I'm going to give something to
you, some tips.
Tips I learned the hard way, through trial and error, and
through lots of lost friendships.
I'll show you what I'm talking about.
Maybe this has happened to you too.
Yes, lettuce tomato, spice mustard, yes mayo yes
Mayo is red flagged as
disgusting, gluttonous condiment.
And ordering mayo in public, if done wrong, can lead to
humiliation and self loathing.
Mayo may be your weakness, but that doesn't mean you have to
look weak ordering it, because I've developed five foolproof
methods of having your mayo and eating it too.
This is my gift to you.

Ah, mayo, no, no mayo.
Do you, do you have mayonnaise?
Not too toasted, on sesame, with the artisinal curry
mayonnaise.
And can I, can I not have the artisinal curry?
Mayo, mayo, mayona, mayonnaise, yeah,
sure I'll try it.
I'll try anything.
With capers please, and hold the mayo, thank you.
So how was how was your vacation?
No mayo for me please.

Hold the mayo, in your mouth, that's how you keep it classy.
Hey do you guys have other classy tips?
I need to know them.
Let me know in the comments, I'm going the back there in
like 10 seconds.
I watch this next video there with you.
It's a My Damn Channel Live premiere, it stars the league
Steve Rannazzisi here is Daddy Knows Best with Shark Tank.

-Jackson, look at daddy.
Here comes the shark.
Oooo, it's going to be so scary.
Aw, I'm getting nothing here.
You're going to get single digit views with this thing.
Can you act a little happy?
This is our dream.
These are dangerous, dangerous, mammals.
Dammit.
You're a big boy.
No, no, Jackson.
Don't look them in the eyes, all right?
It's a sign of aggression.
Here comes the shark.
-What's going on?
Why is there a dog crate in our living room?
Why is he in the cage?
-What?
Wait, one question at the time.
First of all, I want to tell you how beautiful you look--
-Thank you.
Well, yeah, what's going-- can you answer the question?
Why is he in the cage?
-You mean this?
Oh yeah, no, yeah this huge thing in our living room.
-Oh this is uhh, this is what I call some good old fashioned
discipline.
Just like my dad used to do to me.
-Your father used to put you in a, in a dog crate?
-When I needed it.
I was a rambunctious kid.
-Wow, really?
Uh-huh, and this helped me out.
-Wow, and look at you now.
-Yeah look how normal I am.
-What is this?
-That's not even--
that's like a piece of paper with some--
-But it's, it's a receipt for a harpoon.
What do you need a harpoon for?
-I'm thinking about, you know, spicing
things up in the boudoir.
-Oh really?
Oh, we're going to get dirty with a harpoon now.
-Get things a little dirty, a little nasty.
It'll be bloody.
-So you're going to--
OK, I'm not an idiot, Steve, OK?
I get what this is, this is like your YouTube thing.
-Stop it right there.
You stop it.
I promised you, no more YouTube.
-No, I told--
I completely trust you, I do.
I just--
I'm just going to take--
-Jackson could be the first child to
swim with great whites.
Do you understand?
He will be a YouTube sensation.
-No, no, my kid is not going to swim with a shark because
of you're YouTube fantasy.
-It, it's got nothing to do with me, all right?
I do everything I do in life for my son.
Every morning we wake up, and we watch Matt Lauer on Good
Morning America, it's our favorite show.
And he has those kids that come on, and they're on
YouTube, and it just breaks Jack's little heart.
He wants to be famous.
He's talented, he can do things.
-Those kids aren't actors.
Those are just moments they just had and their parents
just catch it.
-Stop being so damn naive, babe.
All right?
I can't believe I let you talk me into anal.
Listen to me, Charlie, that one you love, the one with the
kid, oh mum, I bit my finger.
-I know that video.
-You know what?
What they don't tell you about that one is, that guy is a
31-year-old man, with testicles.
-OK.
-A fully grown man.
-No, he's not.
-He's a dwarf.
-He's not!
-He's a dwarf.
He's got Gary Coleman disease.
-No, he's not.
No, he's not.
-Yes.
-[SIGHS]
Steve, you put my kid in a shark tank again, I'm leaving
you.
-Oh, is that a threat?
-Come on.
-He likes it in there.
-No.
No, he doesn't.
Come on.
-He did.
-Let's go.
I will.
-It's a shark cage, if you knew anything.
It's not a tank.
WIFE (OFFSTAGE): Oh!
Hey, honey.
It looks like you have a little bit of jizz just right
on your nose, if you want to just remove that.
-It's not jism.
It's zinc.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: That was fun hanging out.
We'll do it again live with Michael
Showalter in about soon.
Uh, now, like any classy chick who's too drunk to read the
book on her night table, I enjoy my roster
of fresh trash flags--
trash bags.
I like trash bags.
I also like trash blogs.
I like looking at them before I go to bed and dream about
all of my anxieties.
And I'm human.
Sometimes I'm on board with pointing and laughing.
But not today.
Today, I'm going to talk directly to those celebrities
that are being trashed in the blogs right now.
And I'm going to be the one person to brighten their day
by saying something nice about them when no one else will.
[THUNDER]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: OK, "Amanda Bynes got DUI, keeps crashing her
car." You know what, Amanda?
When Lindsay Lohan screws up, every one in the
world hears about it.
Thanks to your career arc, Amanda, you're actually under
a lot less scrutiny.
So that's good.
Let's look at another one.
OK, "The Bachelor is being sued for discriminating
against non-white people." Listen,
Bachelor people, you're--
you guys are only in season 23.
You're still figuring out who you are.
I didn't know I liked olives until I was 26.
Next.
Uh, "Demi Moore is forced to abandon her, um, @mrskutcher
Twitter handle." OK, Demi, listen.
Demi, this is nothing.
Giving up your Twitter handle is tough, but it's--
I mean, come on.
It's a lot better than your first divorce when you had to
split up your kids.
So that's that, you know?
Let's look at another one, guys.
OK, "Secret Service looking into Ted Nugent's violent
anti-Obama comments." Ted Nugent, those are some
storybook eyebrows.
No one else's eyebrows could provoke the Secret Service.
Moving on.
"Kim Kardashian is running for mayor of Glendale,
California." Kim, at least you know the
mayor exists, you know?
At least you know that, uh, you are far exceeding
expectations.
That was fun.
Am I glowing?
[LAUGHS]
You guys.
We are literally three minutes away from communing with
Michael Showalter.
And trust me when I say we have
something special in store.
But first, it's the My Damn Channel LIVE premiere of the
Linked Out series from the group, Junior Varsity with--
-What are you guys doing here?
-It's OK.
Come sit down.
-Love you, bro.
Bring it in.
-Is everything OK?
-Everything's fine, Brian.
-I'm da--
I'm sorry.
Who are you?
-My name is Richard Kelson.
And your family has invited me to be with you today.
-Hold on.
Is-- is this a joke?
[CHUCKLES]
-There's nothing funny about addiction, bro.
-What addiction?
-It's Facebook.
-Facebook.
-Facebook.
-The Book, bro.
-What are you talking--
I'm not addicted to Facebook.
I don't even use Facebook.
-Exactly.
-[SOBS]
-Hold on.
This is an intervention because I'm not using
Facebook?
-Sean, why don't you start?
-Thanks, Richard.
Bro, you've been with me through thick and thin.
Honestly, I feel like you're slipping away.
Me and Kerry, we got a son now through sex.
And we like love him and stuff.
And we posted these pictures last night.
And you didn't Comment.
You didn't Share.
You didn't Like.
What's up with that, bro?
-What do you mean, what's up with that, bro.
I wasn't on Facebook, so I didn't know you posted
anything.
-Nothing ever works, Richard.
What the hell is going on here, bro?
-Sean, no.
-(ANGRILY) You're tearing this family apart bro!
Look at this face!
Ah!
-No!
No!
-(ANGRILY) Is this what you want?
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-Will someone tell me what the hell is going on here?
-Hey, Brian.
Brian, sit down, OK?
You need to realize that we are offering you a gift today.
-Is this a prank?
-Kerry, do you have anything you'd like to say?
-Brian, it's no secret we've had our differences.
But on Facebook, I can start to enjoy your personality
without actually having to look into those
beady eyes of yours.
But now I feel like I'm being forced to
physically talk to you.
And I already told you that I hate doing that.
Plus I posted this really cute vid of a cat
eating a string cheese.
And you haven't commented.
You haven't liked.
-[LAUGHS]
-I'm--
I'm--
I'm sorry, I guess.
I--
-OK.
OK, that's enough.
Um, why don't we hear from, uh, Keith.
-Who?
-Hi.
I'm Keith.
Um, we've never met in real life, but, um, we're friends
on Facebook.
And I always thought that, if I ever met you in real life,
that we would be really good friends,
maybe even best friends.
But I feel like I don't even know you, man.
-That's because you don't know me.
We haven't met.
-Be that as it may.
If you don't get help, Brian, I'm going to have to unfriend
you.
-(ANGRILY) I don't care.
I don't know who you are.
RICHARD KELSON (OFFSCREEN): OK, Brian?
Now just relax.
Marie, do you have anything you'd like to say?
-Brian?
-Mom?
-I've always loved you, but I--
I'm just as bad as you.
I don't even know what Facebook is.
But I promise to get help too.
[SOBS]
-Mom, what are you talking about?
You're a great mother.
-Brian, admit it.
She's disappointed all of us.
-Admit it, Brian.
-Just admit it, bro.
-No!
No, no, no.
No, there's nothing wrong with you.
There's nothing wrong with her!
-Be strong Marie.
-Brian, IF you don't get help, I'm going to have to cut off
all communication with you.
[SOBBING]
-Mom?
I just--
-I don't know what's happening to my family.
[CRYING]
-Are you--
really, guys?
This is what you want?
-Just log on!
-OK, fine.
I'll--
I'll do it.
-So you'll get help, Brian?
-I'll do anything, just leave my mom alone, please.
-Bring it in, bro.
Get on up.
Come on.
Bring it in.
[BALLAD MUSIC PLAYING]
-First and ten, bro, first and ten.
[BALLAD MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[STRANGE MUSIC PLAYING]
-All right, so this is the part of the massage where I
dim the lights and put on my night vision goggles.
[BUZZING NOISE]
-So you like to watch videos on the internet?
I love the internet.

JON GLASER: Hi.
I'm John Glaser.
And you're watching My Damn Channel LIVE.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: You guys, it's such a pleasure to have this man
here with us today.
He was a member of The State.
And he's a member of STELLA.
His book, Mr. Funny Pants, is now out in paperback.
He's currently working with David Wain on a prequel to Wet
Hot American Summer.
He's a humorous, an author, professor and, I feel, a
gentle soul.
Please welcome Michael Showalter.
See?
Oh, God, you can just see it.
Oh.
[CLAPS HANDS]
OK.
Hey, Michael.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It's great to be here.
BETH HOYT: Thank you, so much, for joining us.
Um, you know, I just want to let you know that I'm, um, I'm
tired of, uh--
Michael?
I'm tired of playing games.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK, let's-- then let's not
play games any more.
BETH HOYT: I'm tired of playing games with people to
get to know them.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Let's get down to brass tacks.
BETH HOYT: I want to play a game.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Let's get down to brass tasks.
BETH HOYT: Well, let's break down those brass
tacks with Go Goddess.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: Which is a game.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yes.
BETH HOYT: It's a game.
It's a gift.
And it's an experience.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yes.
BETH HOYT: Um, could you just get us--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah, mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Read the invocation there.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I will.
BETH HOYT: That second paragraph here.
Let us know what we're getting into.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "We have chosen to honor our goddess
energy."
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "And to share it with the world."
BETH HOYT: Sure.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "Quite simply, we want to make the
most of this exciting time."
BETH HOYT: Don't we.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "To be the best friends, mates, mothers,
daughters, sisters and lovers, the very best we can be."
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "So go goddess."
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "Go goddess.
Go goddess."
BETH HOYT: Exactly.
Let's play.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yes.
BETH HOYT: Um, could we actually--
could we set the vibe just a little bit?
Could we maybe-- this doesn't feel-- why don't
we just take that.
This feels-- that feels better.
OK, great.
Um, so Michael and I are going to play now, but you guys
should play along too.
Just give your answers to the questions and the comments.
Just go for it.
Michael, now let's go goddess.
BETH HOYT: OK.
BETH HOYT: I'll go first.
In this little purple satchel is the instructions as to
which card I'll choose.
It says, select a red card.
So I'm going to go ahead and do that.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Right there.
BETH HOYT: I'm going to read the
questions for you to answer.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: [CLEARS THROAT]
"The saying goes, 'When you've got it, flaunt it.' Goddess,
what do you have that you should flaunt?"
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Hm.
Well--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh.
BETH HOYT: I'm sure there are a few answers you have.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Well, I've been told that
I have a hot butt.
BETH HOYT: [SIGHS]
How do you feel about that?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Um, I mean--
BETH HOYT: Does that make you feel good?
Does that make you feel like you should flaunt it?
I mean--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Well, I all--
I--
Look.
I like to wear--
I like to wear, you know, on-- you know, and I
like wear my 7 jeans.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm, sure.
Those are great for the butt.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Or, uh, or maybe a miniskirt, you know?
Um, but, uh--
BETH HOYT: So you do flaunt it.
Because you got it.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I--
I--
I like to--
I like to sachet around in a-- in a-- in a--
what about you?
What's-- what about-- what do you--
BETH HOYT: You know-- but, I mean, you're flipping the--
you're flipping the rules a little bit.
It is--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I'm turning the tables on the question.
BETH HOYT: God.
What do I flaunt?
I flaunt my-- my big eyes.
I open them as wide as I can, as often as I can.
JON GLASER: You have beautiful eyes.
BETH HOYT: Thank you.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Why don't you pick out a card out
of the purple satchel?
I'm feeling like your-- your core is warming up.
The embers are slowly--
What does this one say?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: This says, free will.
BETH HOYT: Yes.
I felt that.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Select a card from any deck.
Put that there.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I'm going to take a green care.
BETH HOYT: He's going for green.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Green card.
Do you have your green card?
[LAUGHTER]
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Then you don't have
to leave the country.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh, "Goddess group.
Picture yourself as a little girl."
BETH HOYT: OK.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: What one thing would you like to give
that child?
BETH HOYT: Hm.
I--
well, I'm picturing little Beth.
I mean, I feel like the inner goddess should be--
I should give her courage or some--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: I want--
I want to give--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I thought you were
going to say porridge.
BETH HOYT: I kind of want to give her candy, is what my
initial gut instinct.
I want to feed her some Mike and Ikes.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: Also, I have--
my issue with sweets comes-- stems from receiving a five
pound bag of Mike and Ikes one summer.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: That's a lot of Mike and Ikes.
BETH HOYT: My mom won't let me get it at Sam's Club.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Five pounds of Mike and Ikes--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You know--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: --is a lot of Mike and Ikes.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
And I ate them all that summer.
And my older sister also got a five pound bag, but she didn't
touch her bag.
I discovered, after I ate all my Mike and Ikes that--
that that was just kind of a joke.
And I--
that's where all my problems come from.
So--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Can I ask you a question?
BETH HOYT: You sure can.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: What do you think about Skittles?
BETH HOYT: I have nothing--
I just--
I had some today.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: You had Skittles today?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
I didn't buy them.
They were just in front of me.
And I--
I would never refuse a bowl of Skittles.
I like the sound of the cling cling of the Skittles.
What about you?
You seem--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Skittles make a
lovely cling cling sound.
BETH HOYT: You seem to feel one way or
another about Skittles.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I'm a purely M & M's man.
BETH HOYT: I mean, I--
I feel so close to you.
That's my favorite candy.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: And Twix.
BETH HOYT: OK.
I was--
I was just feel--
I mean, you, uh, you don't want to connect on that
moment, so we're going to keep playing.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I do want to connect.
BETH HOYT: No.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I do want to connect.
BETH HOYT: I want to--
I want you to connect when you feel it.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: What?
BETH HOYT: When you feel it.
We're going to keep playing this game.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: But I know that we have the same candy.
That's my favorite.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Peanut M & M's and Twix.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Well, the Twix is yours.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: All right.
BETH HOYT: "Free will." I'm going to pick an orange card.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Oh, man.
It starts with a little-- a little story,
so just listen up.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: "Every time Valerie looks in the mirror, she makes
a mental list of her physical flaws."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: "Fat thighs."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "Wrinkles."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "Small bust."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "Bad hair."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "Yellow teeth." [LAUGHS]
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "Facial hair."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: (THOUGHTFULLY) What's her
vagina look like?
BETH HOYT: Uh, we're getting there. "Dangling under arms."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: "Big nose."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: And bulging stomach."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: "She doesn't even have [WHISPERS]
a vagina."
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Oh, she's vagina-less.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
"The question after all of Valerie's laments is are you
your own worst critic?"
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Hm.
[SIGHS]
Well, first of all, Valerie's being being
very hard on herself.
Don't you--
BETH HOYT: She sure is.
She sure is.
I mean, bad hair?
That could--
that doesn't seem like a permanent thing.
She's having a bad day.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Um, I mean, I get the
frizzies half the time.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: You know what I mean?
BETH HOYT: Not today.
Not today.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: If it's humid at
all, I get the frizzies.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Not today.
Good thing.
Show day.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: That--
but the-- if she'd-- but the not having--
you know.
BETH HOYT: This isn't about Valerie.
This is about you.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
It's about me.
Am I my own worst critic?
Yes, I am my own worst critic.
BETH HOYT: I think that a lot of comics are.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
Uh, I am very hard on myself.
Um--
BETH HOYT: This is getting really real.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yes.
Um--
BETH HOYT: How do you feel?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: How do I feel right now?
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Um--
BETH HOYT: Do you feel like you're opening up?
Or do you feel like you're closing down?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I feel like I'm opening up.
BETH HOYT: That's fantastic.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: That's exactly where I wanted to get you.
And it's just-- it's hard to--
it's hard to pump the brakes on all this sharing.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm.
BETH HOYT: But at least it gives us a chance to share
with our audience some more of the wonder
that is you, Michael.
And because everyone around--
I want you guys to stick around when we come back,
because Michael and I are going to be answering your
comments live.
But first, though, a video from STELLA, co-starring David
Wain and Michael Ian Black.
This is--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Birthday.
BETH HOYT: Birthday.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[TOGETHER]
Surprise!
-Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
-Happy birthday, Michael!
[JAZZY MUSIC ON RADIO]
-Happy birthday!

-Hey, I can't believe you guys remembered my birthday.
-You ain't seen nothing yet.
Deviled eggs!
-[TOGETHER]
Whoa!
-[MAKING EATING NOISES]
-I got a sucker.
-Ah!
Music, friends, decoration, deviled eggs, what more could
anybody want?
-Hey, Mike, how about a magician?
Introducing Presto the Magnificent.
-That's right, boys and girls.
It's me, Presto the Magnificent.
And I hear we have a birthday today.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
-It's your birthday.
What's your name?
-[IN A HIGH VOICE]
Michael.
-Well, then these are for you.
-Ah!
-Oh!
-Oh!
-All right, we're going to put it in our oven.
We're going to say the magic word.
What's the magic word?
-Presto!
[BOINK]
-Oh!
-Ah!
-Ah!
-Ah!
-That's for you.
There you go.
There you go.
More here.
We're going to build ourselves a little house of cards, a
little playhouse for us to have our birthday party in.
OK, let's say the magic words.
Presto!
-Presto!
-Presto!
[ANGRILY]
Fucking!
God dammit!
[PLEASANTLY]
What could this be?
A little present?
What's going to be in here?
[GASPS]
It's for you.
-Thanks, Presto.
-Hey, you guys, let's go around the room and tell
stories about how we met Michael and what he means to
us.
-Great idea.
-I'll start.
I'll never forget the time I first laid eyes on
this son of a bitch.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, got to be 20 years ago.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[VARIOUS VOICES]
-Hey, stranger.
-Hey, beef.
-Those leg warmers are radical.
-Yeah, because [INAUDIBLE]
but then Joe came at us and he's all [INAUDIBLE].
Now it's like, Joe, [INAUDIBLE]!
-Well, nice to meet you.
-Man, what was I thinking wearing that jacket?
-[LAUGHS]
It was the '80's.
I loved the '80's.
[LAUGHS]
I want to go.
I want to go.
I first met Mike right around the same time.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hi.
I'm Michael Schwartz.
-Oh, hey.
You seem like a nice guy, but you're chubby and Jewish and
it's in my face with that name.
-He's right.
Maybe I should change my name.
But to what?
Hey, look at that black guy.
That's cool.
And the rest is history.
[DOORBELL]
-Oh.
Who's at the door?
-Why don't you go answer it, Michael.
-All right.

-Happy birthday!
Blow out the candles!
Wait!
Wait!
Wait!
Make a wish.
[PIANO MUSIC]
-Ah!
-Ah!
Ah!
Ah!

[CRACK]
[CROWD ROARS]
-Holy shit!
World peace!
All right.
-Yay!

[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER]
-Hey, Presto, if you're such a great magician, why don't you
help us make this cake disappear.
[TING]
[SAD MUSIC PLAYING]
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: That's a funny video.
And I'm glad that you made it.
And I'm glad that you shared it with us.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Good times.
Good times there.
BETH HOYT: You said you haven't seen
that in a long time.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: No.
BETH HOYT: How did you feel while you were watching that?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I was--
BETH HOYT: Lots of memories?
You seem to be in a space right now.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It was--
yeah, memory-- it was--
I was--
I was enjoying it.
It was, uh, it was a fun--
it was a fun shoot.
BETH HOYT: It's-- it's hilarious.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It's-- yeah.
We goofed around.
BETH HOYT: Uh, how much of-- how much improvisation
happened on the set for Stella?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Nothing.
BETH HOYT: Nothing.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It's all scripted.
BETH HOYT: What if--
so what if you had an idea for something?
Would you be like that's--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: No room for that.
No, no.
Very--
it's like Law and Order, very, very, tight set.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Very tight.
Very serious--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: --uh, atmosphere.
BETH HOYT: Well, what's the best birthday you ever had?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Oh, God.
Uh, probably today.
Today is my birthday.
BETH HOYT: Is today your birthday?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Being on your show.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yep.
BETH HOYT: That's fantastic.
We make you feel like you're being born again?
Finding your own goddess?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Um, uh, this is your book now in paperback.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: That's my book, mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Mr. Funny Pants.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Now when you see this book, if you hold it, if
you look at it, does it feel better to hold your own book?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Mm-hm.
BETH HOYT: Or does it feel better to
hold like a DVD that--
of a movie that you made?
What's a--
what fills you with more joy and pride?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [SIGHS]
Wow.
BETH HOYT: You're going to hold it.
BETH HOYT: All right, I'll hold it.
BETH HOYT: Think about it.
Envision that.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I, uh, I try to--
I try to, uh, always be looking ahead, you know?
So, uh, you know, I don't, uh--
they're all little pieces of me.
BETH HOYT: What if someone was reading
your book on the subway?
Would you, A-- this is going to be a
multiple choice question.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: Would you--
would you, um, go up to them and be like,
that's mine, you know?
Or would you avoid them?
Or would you, uh, just be--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I would smile.
BETH HOYT: Filled with pride?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I would smile on the inside.
BETH HOYT: And you wouldn't-- yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Absolutely not.
I wouldn't be, hey, I wrote that.
BETH HOYT: You wouldn't want to-- why wouldn't--
I mean, you wanted to do that.
That would be-- you wouldn't be the person you
are, if you did that.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: No.
That's not my style.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Uh--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: This is for you, by the way.
BETH HOYT: I know.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: I just wanted you to hold it for my question.
Also, so when you're writing for like doing live shows all
the time and writing a bunch of different projects, when--
when you're writing a book, also, it's a memoir.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: How do you know what to put in the book and
what to use for--
do you try things out live and then--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Well, it's-- it's--
it's, it's like the, uh, you know, write what
you know, you know?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: So I know my life.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: And, uh, so it was easy.
BETH HOYT: Would you ever try things out live
to put in the book?
Or put things in the book and then try them out live?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Sure.
BETH HOYT: So we can go live.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Let's talk to--
let's look at these YouTube comments, because people want
to get in on this.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah I see, uh, ah, uh, AuPanau said, have
I ever punched Adam Sandler over food.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I want to know that answer as well.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
Of course, I have.
BETH HOYT: What kind of food?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It was, uh, sous vide, sous vide chicken.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
I can see that.
Uh, what about, um, Mr. Chip Donahue says, so that's where
the Ian Black comes from.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Right.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Well, now you-- now they know.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yep.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
Um, Adam Henry III, hey, Michael.
Remember when Sarah Jessica Parker yelled at you because
your friend broke up with her on a Post-It note?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Good times.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [LAUGHS]
Because I was on Sex in the City that one time.
BETH HOYT: I know.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: It was great.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: The Post-It man always rings twice.
BETH HOYT: I like that a reference for you is from Sex
in the City.
That seems-- that would be one of the last places I would
think of referencing you first.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
Well, it was a popular show.
BETH HOYT: Well, that's--
yeah, to say the least.
There we go.
Software theft-- no.
We can't.
No.
Uh, this is from AMT200356.
What?
Molly has a boyfriend?
What a lucky man.
Molly is a dream girl for every guy.
What do you think about that?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know what they're talking about.
BETH HOYT: Seriously.
Watch out for Molly.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Who?
BETH HOYT: Uh, doesn't matter for you.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
BETH HOYT: Mike--
Mike Falzone says, why does the music sound like a
telephone psychic infomercial?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [LIKE A GANGSTER]
Hey, Mike Falzone.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [LIKE A GANGSTER]
What are you up to Mikey Falzone?
BETH HOYT: That's--
that's one response.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: What is this,
The Sopranos or something?
BETH HOYT: What about, um, uh, Nimthus D says--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yep, Nima--
BETH HOYT: Stella movie?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Stella movie?
Uh, yes.
It's coming out next Wednesday.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
Bilbo Baggett says--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Is-- is my face-- and Bilbo Baggett says,
Michael-- oh, you go ahead.
You go--
BETH HOYT: No, I want you to read it in that voice.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Is Michael a brown gravy or a white gravy
kind of a guy?
Great question, Bilbo.
Uh, and the answer is, I'll take--
I li--
I--
I like wavy gravy.
BETH HOYT: That's the answer.
Uh, but then GM928 says, I don't think those two things
are mutually exclusive.
Do you think he's talking about the-- he or she is
talking about the gravy?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh.
BETH HOYT: And do you think they are?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh.
BETH HOYT: Now!
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [MAKES RETCHING NOISE]
BETH HOYT: Let's just--
oh what--
Jonelle had a question.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yum, porridge,
says Mr. Chip Donahue.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gosh.
Uh, let's see.
What about, um, what about, uh, Lisa Gallagher says
Michael Showalter does have a hot butt.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I do.
BETH HOYT: Smiley face.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: It's a bubble butt.
BETH HOYT: We--
yeah.
Lisa--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I have a bubble butt.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm, especially when he's
wearing the mini skirts.
And then RYOOKI says, flaunt that ass.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [LAUGHS]
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS]
He does.
And we do.
Uh, Jy--
Jyro, Euro, Heromind-- what do you think?
Euro?
Hero?
Euro?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Gyro.
BETH HOYT: Gyro?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Jeero.
Jeer--
Gyro.
Gyro.
BETH HOYT: It's like a gay kee-ha board.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Ouija, I think he meant to
say, or she, or him.
BETH HOYT: No, I think he means kee-ha.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: OK.
Who's Molly?
BETH HOYT: Molly, uh--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Are you?
BETH HOYT: Mimi, Molly.
She works here, you know?
Just--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Oh, OK.
She's a special lady.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: [SIGHS]
BETH HOYT: Um, uh, Doug--
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I'm out of here.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hm.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: That's what I used to say.
BETH HOYT: Yep.
And, uh, Scott Light, last one, wants to know does
Michael like playing poker?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh, sure.
Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Also what's your favorite type of death in the
Oregon Trail?
From Euromind.
Gyromind.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Uh.
BETH HOYT: What's your favorite type of death in the
Oregon Trail?
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yeah.
Uh, eh, uh, uh, trees.
BETH HOYT: Michael, thank you for being here.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Yes.
BETH HOYT: And for answering those questions with me.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: This was-- this was fantastic.
BETH HOYT: And for all of our lovely users.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: This was fantastic.
BETH HOYT: Um, it's time for another episode of the
shortest comedy series on the web.
Here is The Jon Friedman Internet Program with
Mcconaughey.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[PHONE RINGING]
-If he's not a stoner or a lawyer, we're not interested!

[MUSIC PLAYING]
MATT MCMANUS: This is napping with wigs.
-Wigs.
-Wigs.
-[LAUGHS]
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hey, daddy.
Hey-- hey, daddy.
I want a nap on you.
[LAUGHS]
Daddy.
Oh my God!
I'm so tired.
Can I have a chili con carne taco with carne--
carne asada--
guacamole.
-Con salsa.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
-I was wondering if I could get a haircut, because I
wanted to layer it like Jennifer Aniston.
But I don't know if I--
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
MATT MCMANUS (OFFSCREEN): Well, this is--
I know your girl might get mad, but this hair ain't real.
This ain't a real weave.
This ain't a real weave!
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-[SOBBING]
Thank you, for coming.
[HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
-[RAPPING]
[INAUDIBLE]
Life-Assist.
We get your call at our office in Century Plaza.
We'll have a look at your house.
Then we'll come right over.
-Ma'am we're sending someone there right away.
Everything is going to be A-OK.
-[RAPPING]
Life-Assist, we're going to pick you up.
Life-Assist, we're going to fix you up.
-[GROANING]
-[RAPPING]
[INAUDIBLE] bringing my boys.
We got to bring the party, so you all make some noise.
We got that champagne float and we got
that Coke and Bacardi.
We're gonna get fucked up.
No one try and stop me.
Everybody jump.
This is going all night.
But don't take it from me.
Hit it, MC Dynamite.
-[RAPPING]
All you mother fuckers gonna die tonight.
I'll whip it out and make you sure you want to cry tonight.
While you sit and you sleep, I'll make you suck on my meat.
We gonna hump 'til I burst like dynamite.
Ha, ha.
Ha, ha.
Life-Assist you filthy bitches.
Offices in Century Plaza.
-[RAPPING]
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
We're gonna come get ya.
Come on, everybody, get up.
-[WHINES]
I can't.
-[RAPPING]
Come on, everybody stand up.
-[YELLS]
I can't!
-[RAPPING]
Life-Assist, Life-Assist, assisting your life.
-[ALL]
Oh!

-[GROANING]
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
[CRYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Yes.
If I'm going to die because the EMTs neglected me, I want
to know it's because they're having fun.
I'm a giver.
Thanks, so much, to Michael Showalter, for being here and
letting us see his inner goddess.
It's-- it's beautiful.
MICHAEL SHOWALTER: I had a great time.
BETH HOYT: Tomorrow at 4:00 PM Eastern is another episode of
My Damn Channel LIVE with Daily Grace.
And I'll be back Friday with the weekly wrap up.
And next Wednesday, The Gregory Brothers will be here
live in the studio.
OK, enough talking.
I'm taking this conversation to Twitter right now
@thebethhoyt.
So I'll see you there.
And I'm going to leave you all with this Go Goddess--
from this moment forward, what we think
about, we bring about.
And go goddess.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]