Hey! It’s half-past brooding time!
I thought we had a hot date with my spicy lime!
YOU. Are not the only date I had tonight.
Okay, Drunko. Start at the beginning.
Well, it all started this morning, when I had to go to the Albatross Appeal set
to get fitted for my hooker-wear.
I thought you turned that part down.
I TRIED
But then my agent said that they were so impressed by my "total panic" acting
at the audition that they "wrote the part specifically for me".
It's so humiliating.
Does your agent know that you munched the casting director.
- No, she does not. - Huh.
Anyway...
Then I had to head over to the CSIS set to rehearse the latest episode where -
drumroll, please! -
I get shot!
- Ouch. Do you die? - I won't know 'til the next episode.
But...
There was an interesting twist to the script.
How could they do this to me?
I mean, like, after all the chicks that I banged on this show…it doesn't make sense!
Wait a minute. Did they...?
Make Stone gay?
Well, I'm never going to get laid again.
Oh, come on, Stone. Grim up a little bit.
Women LOVE a guy they think is gay, it's more of a challenge.
Besides, homes make the best fans in the world. Just look at Lady Gaga.
I'm gay for Lady Gaga.
You're a dude. You can't be gay for a woman.
Lady Gaga's a woman?
- Really? - Simone?
- Hi! - I thought she was like a drag queen or something.
Hi!
I have been looking for you for… it feels like forever.
Oh, well, I've just been handgun' out in here. Ha ha!
- I'm Betti. - Hi!
I'm a new writer. On the show.
- Congratulations, I didn't know they were hiring. - Well, they did!
and I've just been going over the script for last season
and I was hoping that we could talk a little more about your character.
Whoa. Start the ass kissing, STAT.
That’s what I thought!
- Oh, wow, wow, that’s fantastic news. - Great!
- So, the thing is, I'd prefer not to talk here on the set. - Oh, of course.
So I was thinking maybe later? At my house?
It would really help me out. With the writing.
Sure, anything you need.
Great.
Call me when you're done.
- Toodle-oo! - Sure! Okay! Bye!
I could not imagine jerking off to that.
Well, that’s cool! I hope you splurged on the good wine.
So, make yourself at home… here, I’ll take that.
- Super. - Why don't I take your coat?
- You know, it just zips right off. - Perfect.
- There ya go. - Great.
- Thank you very much. - Have a seat.
- Okay, super. - Oh, I'll just get the wine.
Oh, great.
There you go.
Oh, wow, thank you.
- Cheers! - Oh, cheers!
So...Simone.
Yes?
Simone. What a great name.
Oh, wow, thank you. Well, Betti's really cute as well.
It's short for Elizabeth, right?
Actually, Bettina.
I had it changed legally.
Wow, crazy. What was your name before?
Tibette.
Oh, like the country?
No.
Oh. Okay, well, should we talk about my character...
Oh, speaking of characters,
it turns out we have mutual friends on the west coast.
Oh, you’re kidding!
The girls wanted me to say hi. They miss you.
Oh, okay. Um...
Oh, sorry, isn't this...
- Mm-hm. It's Dana. - Dana?
Like from The L Word Dana?
Like, the most beloved character from the L-Word
the only reason why I watched the L-Word
and for no fucking good reason they give her breast cancer?
I was just so devastated when she died.
Weren’t you…devastated when she died?
Um, no, yeah, it was...really sad when she died.
on…the show.
That walk up to the falls to scatter her ashes...
God, I...
cried my eyes out.
Yeah...you know, do you mind if I just get a little…
You know, it took almost everything I had just to get it together to go to Shane and Carmen’s wedding.
But you should have seen the dress I wore.
It was this big, fluffy, kind of like - ha ha
You know what it was like?
Do you remember that dress that Shane wore to Carmen's niece's quinziniera? Haha!
What…is happening?
Caaaaaallll the poliiiiiice.
It was just a couple of weeks after Dana died.
I saw you at the Plant. Talking to Shane.
At The Planet? Ohhhhh.
Is she talking about the time you were an extra on The L Word?
You were wearing that aqua top...
and when you looked at me, I felt our souls connect.
You know, that’s really funny, that, uh, you remember me because I was only there a couple of times.
I know. I almost lost you but then I saw you on the set of Les Girls.
and that’s when I figured out that you were an actor.
Yes, yes that's right! I'm an actor! And I was an extra! In Vancouver, where they filmed it!
- The movie? - No!
- The L Word? - The what?
- Oh, Sweet Jesus! - Get out! Get out now!
When I saw you in Toronto, then I knew we had to connect.
No, well…So you got a job on my show?
No, no. I just followed you for a couple days...
Oh God...
- and snuck onto the set! - OK.
- It's fate!
Okay, no, but it’s not fate! It’s not!
- You barely know me! - We are meant to be soulmates.
We are soulmates!
No, listen!
Bettina! You’re living in a fantasy.
The L Word isn’t even on the air anymore! And to be perfectly frank –
oh God, please don’t touch me oh my God- it got really fucked up near the end!
Don’t fight it, Simone.
We are meant to be together. Like Tina and Bette.
- No! - Kiss me!
- No! - Wait, where are you going??
Listen! Listen!
You are crazy!
And if I ever see you again, I'm gonna call the cops.
The REAL cops! NOT Lucy Lawless!
Oh God. Who knew YOU would turn out to be such a Jenny!
You take that back!
So listen. Now that I officially have a stalker, I would really really appreciate it if you'd take my profile down.
What?
Why?
That has nothing to do with this! She didn't even use the internet to find you!
Listen, apparently I have enough crazy in my life. I don't need to date the crazy.
- Just take it down, Audrey. - Okay, Simone. Bye.
