Lessons Learned - 4/6/12 (FULL EP)

BETH HOYT: Ding, your Peep is done.
Take your Peeps out of the microwave.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: You guys, it's Friday.
We made it.
We did a live show for a whole week, and
we're all still standing.

Well, just kidding.
I just--
I didn't have to fall completely to sell that bit,
but I'll do it.
Anyways seriously, it was an amazing week.
We had David Wayne here.
We debuted MyDamnChannel original videos.
And now we put a bow on the whole thing with a tight
10-minute show before we all head off for Easter weekend
and uncomfortably long brunches.
OK, but first up, I want to talk about this great post
that was on BuzzFeed yesterday.
It was about childhood toys that you probably threw away
that are worth tons of money now.
There's the She-Ra horse and action figure.
Ah, man, it's almost worth $1,000 on eBay.
And there's a super rare Matchbox car that's now worth
half a million dollars.
And this Princess Di Beanie Bear Baby, ah, and it's, with
the trading cards, it is equal to almost $2 million.
Who has one of these?
So, of course, I'm thinking about my favorite toys from my
childhood and how I can cash in.
Here's three of my favorites.
American Girl dolls, you know what I'm talking about.
That's Samantha.
I had Samantha, I also had Kirsten.
And, I blame all of my awkwardness around children by
having these-- because I had these dolls.
Because I remember playing with them, and one day my mom
said, you know, Bethie, those aren't babies.
They're nine, they're your age.
So then, instead of being like, hey, baby, I was like,
hi, Samantha.
Do you like what I dressed you in today?
Are you my friend?
Do you want to be here?
Ah, number two--
ah, the Girl Talk Fan Club.
I joined.
I was a member.
I got three books a month, and I read them all.
I also own the Girl Talk board game.
I freaking dare anyone to play me in that game.
And three, Garbage Pail Kids.
This pissed me off because boys named Seth got to be Bad
Breath Seth.
But as Beth, I was stuck with Beth Death.
That's, that's the worst card.
That's the worst card there is.
It's terrifying for a young girl.
Anyway, I'm going to get my revenge by selling my box of
them for cash money.
Stick around.
At the end of the show, I'm going to reveal just how rich
I will be by selling off all of my childhood memories.
While I tally up that total, sit back and enjoy a bunch of
cool videos, starting with a brand-new Five Second Films.
-Hello, Michael.
-Hey, Mr. Bus.
-Going to work today?
-No, silly bus.
It's Saturday.
-All right, partner.
-All right, then.
-See you on Monday.
[EXPLOSION]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: What?
[INAUDIBLE]
Sorry.
Hey guys, I'm sorry.
Um, we had to cut the videos short because, unfortunately,
we've been served again by the estate for You Suck at
Photoshop's Donnie Hoyle.
And apparently, we're legally compelled to show this video.
So, I'm sorry.
Unfortunately, here it is.
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): All right, all right, all right.
[RUMBLING]
-In accordance with the--
in accordance with the Digital Millennium Fairness Act-- of
Speech Act of 2006, this video affidavit is to be displayed
prominently among the digital assets of the offending party
in a way that is readily accessible by its viewing
constituency.
My name is Robert Davis- Brockweiler Munghj.
I'm the legal counsel representing the estate of the
late Dontrell Tiberius Hoyle and the following affected
parties, the Donnie Hoyle Memorial Thumbdrive Exchange
for the Cure Foundation, Donnie Hoyle's Special Place
Centers for Photoshop Fluency, and peopleburg.com.
Who, uh, some of, of which parties, uh, recently received
a pho-- recorded phone message message from uh one Rontrell
Richard Cox Ronnie Cox, author and creator
of You Rock at Photoshop.

-This bone-chilling recording has prompted us to submit this
video affidavit to serve as a temporary injunction for a
restraining order against Ronnie Cox and the members of
the previously-mentioned organizations.
And let me just add one other thing.
Mr. Cox, uh, I don't care if you're four years old.
You, you don't make threatening phone calls to
people you don't know.
You don't steal intellectual property that
doesn't belong to you.
And, I hope that when all is said and done, and you, your
threatening phone calls and your theft, are repudiated in
the court of law, that you spend a very long time in a
minimal correctional facility with someone named Lonnie who
likes Fig Newtons.
And I'm not talking about the cookies.
[CRASH]
BETH HOYT: I'm, you know, I'm ready to call BS on these
legal injunctions.
You Rock at Photoshop is a totally different show from
You Suck at Photoshop.
And God bless that boy Ronnie for putting Robert
Davis-Brockweiler Munghj in his place with that voicemail.
Don't you love that he sounded so fierce?
When kids do things like that I like them.
Ah, here's five things that I like in people under four,
otherwise known as babies or children.
Number one, fat, fat, fat thighs.
Ah, number two, when babies have adult names like
Frederick or Josephine, and the
parents don't use a nickname.
Number three, um, when they look like this.

Those are my kids.
Just kidding.
That's my nephew and my niece.
Oops, I just exploited them.
Um, number four, I like when kids swear.
I know it's bad, but it's just always funny.
And five, when brothers and sisters, when they like each
other, and like one of them sits on the other one's lap.
Um, like this.
Yeah for more exploit-- exploitation.
Sorry.
Guys, on next Wednesday's show, we'll be-- we'll be
premiering a brand-new episode of Co-op of the Damned.
And guess what, we've got a sneak peek of it right now.
Take a look.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-I know that it hasn't been fair.
I honestly, I don't know what to do.
You're both, like, so great.

-You gotta be kidding me.
-(ANGRILY) Rage.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: All right.
Now last week I told you guys I wanted you to send me your
favorite YouTube videos of all time, along with a video from
you telling us why you love it.
Keep doing so.
I want them.
I want to find a place for it in my top 100,000 YouTube vids
of all times list.
This week, we have Laura Wilcox telling us about her
favorite video.
Take it Laura.
LAURA WILCOX: Hey, guys.
This is Laura.
And I'm here to share my favorite YouTube video with
you, which is the Greenport Peter Pan fiasco.
Umm, starts where there's a baby crying.
And in the scene, we see Wendy telling a story.
And in flies our hero, Peter Pan, through the window.
But he takes the walls down with him.
He's, really, actually, busting through barriers,
breaking down walls.
He's here.
He's here to make a statement.
He's--
I don't know what the statement is.
But suddenly the stage is flooded with people dressed in
black, stagehands, directors.
Now we're breaking the fourth wall.
It's getting meta.
It's getting exciting.
So then the traditional scene picks back up again when, all
of the sudden, one of the Darling boys flies across the
stage for no reason at all, screaming the whole time.
Um, I think it's a, a really interesting,
experimental, art piece.
Uh, and then, of course, we have Peter Pan.
Really caps the whole piece off with an interpretive
dance, which is really interesting.
I've never seen anything like that in any of the many
productions of Peter Pan that I have seen.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Seriously, that, that's amazing.
That is going-- that's going into my top 25.
I'm going to--
I'm going to put it at number 21.
That's a major position.
But don't think you can't unseat Laura.
Just send me your favorite video and a clip explaining
why it's great.
You guys, it's Friday.
Our show is coming to a close.
And that means it's time for Lessons
Learned with Beth Hoyt.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Lesson one, David Wayne is a super-nice guy.
And he will eat cold eggs for the sake of a comedy bit.
Lesson two, just because my body is able to move does not
mean I should ever, ever be near a mirror in a hip-hop
class at my gym.
Number three, when someone is chewing loudly and grossly
next to you at a coffee shop, you can give this look all you
want, but it won't matter.
Lesson four, movies with full sentences for titles are fun,
like, "We Need to Talk About Kevin." There's a lot you can
do with that.
I'm going to make a movie, and I'm going to call it "I Think
I'd Like to Buy a Horse." And then, everyone
will say, you do?
And I'll be like, no, no, I was talking about my movie.
And lesson five, don't get excited about your childhood
toys making you rich unless you own one of
those Princess Di cards.
I just looked at my toys on eBay, and if I were to sell
all of them, I'd make $27.
Guys, thanks so much for watching all week.
We've got great stuff in store for you next week.
Of course, we'll be live every day at 4:00 PM Eastern.
Reggie Watts will be our special guest on the
Wednesday Big Show.
Daily Grace is here Thursday.
Thanks for watching.
Have a great weekend.
And don't eat too many Peeps or the devil will
grow inside of you.
Bye.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]