Shannon from CoffeyChat LIVE! - 6/14/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 14.06.2012

Transcript:

-Hey, guys.
It's me, your host, Beth Hoyt and this is My
Damn Channel LIVE.

Guys, that was a joke.
Don't panic.
You're not having weird eye or brain problems.
I'm obviously not Beth Hoyt.
I'm Shannon Coffey and I am guest-hosting MyDamnChannel
LIVE today, right now, and tomorrow.
Why?
Because Beth is in LA, working at the red carpet, at the
Young Hollywood Awards.
But she did leave me this really nice drawing that she
did with Eugene Mirman.
As you can see it's like a flower drinking coffee.
Thanks, guys.
Anyway, Beth will be back next week, but until then this is
Shannon's house, bitches.
I'm really sorry I called you guys bitches.
It's not like me at all, but I guess I'm just feeling a
little bit weird.
Homesick and, well, new environments always make me
feel a little bit out of place.
I'd really love to give this studio a little Coffey flavor.
What can we do?
Um, wait, oh, I got it.
There we go.
Gnome.
Perfect.
Now we can just move on with the show.
No, we can't.
I still feel like something is missing.
Oh, I got it.
Hold on.
OK.
Here we go.
Katchoo framed this photo of himself for me so that I would
remember he existed and I wouldn't show up at home with,
like, another cat and be like, this is my new cat.
And he'd be like, excuse me.
So don't worry, Katchoo, I'm remembering you.
I still feel like something is missing.
Wait.
Coffey.
Boom.

Yes.
There we go.
My insides are settling as we speak.
Now, I am a guest here and I really tried to be respectful
of Beth's clothes, and her makeup, and
her personal items.
But when I showed up this morning, I just, like, had to
go and touch every single thing.
So I did it.
And then I decided to take photos of it, too.
As you can see there, I tried on every single item of her
clothing I could.
Sorry, Beth, I kind of stretched everything out.
Oh, that's me putting my hair where her hair goes.
We're hair twins now.
Oh, OK, I'm sorry.
This is the incriminating.
I was stealing that popcorn because it's sweet and salty.
It was really good.
Oh, I was still hungry after the popcorn, so I just started
eating Beth's jewelry.
I should probably clean that off.
This is so romantic.
I realized that Beth uses that phone so her mouth gets really
close to it, so I thought I'll put my mouth where her mouth
was and it'll be like we're kissing.
Oh, you know what happens on that chair?
Beth's butt gets on that chair.
And I sniffed it and let me tell you,
that butt smell good.
Ooh.
For a second there, when I looked in the mirror, I was
like, is that Beth?
No, it was me, but I had all of Beth's things, so it was
sort of like Beth.
Oh, I'm really sorry, Beth.
But I promise, I folded your underwear exactly the
way you like them.
At least, I think that's how you like them.
I just cut them up into pieces and threw them in like a
garbage bin somewhere.
Sorry.
Hey, speaking of invasions of people's privacy, we've got a
MyDamnChannel original comedy video that is very apropos.
Like that fancy word I just used?
This is Co-Op of the Damned with Kitty Killer.

-Daddy.
Daddy, I'm scared.

-Hah.
-Aack.
-Surprise.
[BEEP]
-You can talk?
Cute.
-Put me down, [BEEP]
dammit.
I'm here to kill you.
-Who are you?
-Before I was murdered and trapped in this infernal toy,
they called me the Kiddie Killer.
-What's your real name?
-Aw, what the [BEEP]
do you care?
-No, tell me, tell me, tell me.
-Oh, it's Percy Snuggle Face?
-Percy Snuggle Face?
Cute.
-Oh, let me go, you stupid [BEEP].

You'll soon feel the fires of hell, little girl.
-One or two crumpets, Mr. Snuggle Face?
-When I was in Hell, I was trapped in a pit of [BEEP]
as thick as molasses.
-Molasses?
Yum.
-No.
It sucked [BEEP]
balls.
All the little girls I gutted surrounded me, taunting me
with their childish games.
-Games?
Fun.
-Ah.
No.
The games were not fun.
The only game I think is fun is murder.
-Ooh.
Can I play, too?
-Oh, let me go so I can chop you up into little
pieces and eat you.
-I want to chop you up into little pieces and eat you.
[BEEP]
-[BEEP]
this.
Hey, can you help me lift this [BEEP]
damn hatchet?
-It's time for more lipstick, Mrs. Snuggle Face.
-It's Mr. Snuggle Face.
I mean, Kiddie Killer.
I mean, I'm going to [BEEP]
kill you.
-But you're my best friend.
-Come here, you--
-Tickles.

I love you, Mr. Snuggle Face.
-I love you, too.

-That kid-killing puppet is so cute.
I wish I was still a kid so he'd try to kill me.
Well, as you've probably noticed, guys, it's summer.
Which means you're probably going to be exposing your
hands left and right.
Which is why I want to teach you how to paint your nails
and be fabulous.
So, the first part of painting you nails is
locating a nail polish.
As you can see, this is a regular nail polish.
It's in a bottle.
This is a little tiny glass bottle.
And inside of it is the actual nail polish.
The nail polish is liquid, so if you didn't have a bottle
it'd just be like, blah.
But it's in a bottle, as you can see.
So, what you want to do is, first you have
to locate your nails.
Now, if you don't know where nails are,
here's a good trick.
Just put your arms out and start at the top and just
start feeling and be like, OK, that's arm, that's arm, and
that's more arm.
And then go down.
And then you'll see that it kind of branches out into like
five, generally five, five like little tinier arms.
And at the end of those arms, you have nails.
So that's where we want to put the nail polish.
The name kind of tells you everything you need to know.
So, what you want to do is take the bottle again.
And this is a cap.
And you just want to open it.
Just go ahead and open it.
So you just want to try to start twisting it.
OK.
There you go.
And I'm twisting.
As you can see, it is opening.
If you have trouble, just keep on trying to open it.
So, now it is open.
There you go.
As you can see, this is open now.
So what you want to do next is take this and put it on your
actual fingernail.
And you're just going to swipe it down and, OK, we are
actually out of time.
So this is not how it should look.
This is not how that should look.
It looks pretty bad.
But, um, just make sure you just block out, like, seven
hours, so you can get all of the nails.
And I'm gonna let this dry out for about 24 seconds, and
after that, I'm going to answer your comments and your
questions on Twitter, Tumblr, YouTube, MySpace.
Whatever you wrote on, I'm going to answer it.
While my nail is drying, why don't you guys enjoy an
episode of the shortest comedy series online.
It's the John Freeman Internet Program with
127 Hours, Part Two.
[THEME SONG]
It's the John Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.
(PHONE RINGING)
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Oh, no.
My other arm.
[THEME SONG]
It's the John Friedman Internet Program on
your World Wide Web.

-OK, we're back.
And it's time to talk to the internet people.
Which is you.
All right.
We have a Twitter post.
Let's see.
@sweethoney says "What languages can you speak?" Oh.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
I said I could speak Spanish.
And obviously I could speak English, two
languages I could speak.
All right.
Another Twitter.
@LandonAustin, "What are the top three requirements for an
aspiring singer/songwriter to make it into the boy book?
Ha." Well, the first requirement is locate the boy
book Tumblr.
The second requirement is take a photo of yourself.
And the third one is just upload it and say I want to be
in the boy book.
Then you'll get boy booked.
All right.
Let's have another tweet.
Let's see what we got.
Ooh, @phampants it said, "What's the best coffee?
Drip, espresso, pour over, or French press?" You know what?
I would never discriminate against any type of coffee.
Everyone has their own coffee style.
I like espresso so I can make really nice milky lattes.
But whatever floats, floats your coffee boat--
coffee.
All right.
We've got a YouTube comment.
Let me see.
coloredpaige9, "Ask the gnome how old he is, please." Hey,
um, this is weird.
I've never thought to ask you this before,
but how old are you?
Ooh.
So mysterious.
Woo.
A man never tells his age, especially not a gnome man.
All right.
Another YouTube comment.
Let me see it.
MiigHannah, "I really love your style, Shannon!" Oh,
happy face, two X's.
Were you sending me kisses?
Thank you.
Thanks.
I try to put clothes on and make them look cool.
All right.
Another Twitter.
@DavidSights said, "When I was a kid, for a little while, I
had recurring nightmares.
Did that ever happened to you?
If so, what was your nightmare?" Thanks for
bringing up nightmares.
Well, I actually really did have this one recurring
nightmare, which was--
Oh, now it's really scaring me.
It's really scary to think about this.
But it was, I would walk into my living room, and all of a
sudden, Chucky the doll would pop up from the couch and he
would just come.
He always had a butter knife, for some reason, which isn't
scary, but it can still cut you.
And, uh, he didn't actually kill me, but he was just
hanging out with the butter knife, being like, I could
kill you if I wanted to kill you.
Hope that's scary.
Here is, let's see, let's have another twitter comment.
@arrrdrian, "How to flirt without feeling completely
disgusted with oneself?
Cos that shite seems guh-ross." Ooh, well, if you
think flirting seems gross, then I say, just don't do it.
But if you really want to try, even though you feel disgusted
by it, I say, you know, look people in the eyes and be,
like, oh, I'm looking you, I'm looking you.
This is flirting.
Announce it.
Say, this is flirting, and that's not that gross.
Let's see another Twitter comment.
@SFayMurray says, "Cremated, Donated, or Buried?
What would you rather?" Well, I wasn't really planning my
death out that much, but I guess, why don't you cremate
me, then bury me, and then pour coffee on me.
That'll be happy.
OK, guys, thank you for sending those in.
Man, I'm sorry, we're out of time.
So, stop complaining.
OK.
Don't complain.
I'll be back tomorrow with a wrap-up of the week.
And also, I will levitate or something and do something
really cool, because you never know where life is
going to take you.
So definitely, you need to tune in and see what happens.
And to make sure you're not going to miss anything, why
don't you subscribe.
Come on, just subscribe.
Nothing's gonna happen.
Just subscribe.
OK, guys, I'll see you tomorrow.
I've given you an amazing Thursday.
Don't go screwing it up now.
Bye.