Zombie Apocalypse Training - If It Actually Happens, I'm Screwed!

Okay, so I read a news story about cantaloupe being infected with salmonella.
They're infected?
I'm going to go ahead and call them zombie cantaloupe.
So to do our part to rid the world of the zombie, zombie fruit
I picked the ugliest one I could find at the local Wal Mart.
Yea, this guy's nasty. He's messed up. So we're going to put him out of his misery.
Out of his salmonella-infested misery.
So we're going to try shooting the, uh...
we're not going to mess around. We're going to hit this guy with the .45 and blow the living crap out of him. Okay?
Let's do it.
Okay. Here we go.
Cantaloupe zombie. I'm telling you, if I miss with my first two shots, I'm getting closer.
I'm not letting this zombie get away from me. This zombie fruit? No, it's dying. It's going down for sure.
I'll chase it down -- I'll chase it wherever I have to chase it to kill that thing.
That's two shots. I'm getting closer.
Alright. I'm about a yard closer now.
[laughing] I'm getting closer!
If I miss at this range, I'm just going to give up shooting altogether!
Alright, I lied. I'm not giving up shooting.
Here Mason, will you hold this?
MASON: Yeah.
MASON: Oh no!
I'm just making sure it's not me.
It might be me, but at least I killed it. I'm going to kill it some more!
Alright. I'm going to call it a day!
That's enough killing for me.
So, that's .357 Sig hollow point.
I wish I could say that I hit it more than once, but I don't think I did.
Alright. So I did hit that zombie cantaloupe with my .357 Sig.
But I really wanted to see what was going to happen to it when I hit it with a .45.
These are Blazers, 230 grain, full metal jacket.
I... I honestly don't know what's going on. I don't know why I'm missing.
And, boy, it's a good thing I didn't say that I was going to retire if I missed earlier
because then I wouldn't be able to do this now, right?
That's what I said, er, I didn't say that did I Mason?
Well why don't we play it back and see?
[Unintelligible dialog that, with imagination, could be considered to sound Swedish]
I... I could understand a word there, so as far as I'm concerned I didn't say it.
So, anyway, you know how hard zombies are to kill.
There's at least half a cantaloupe left over there
which means it could potentially still be alive.
I'm going to do... I'm going to try my best to put another round through it!
Come on .45, do me good!
Nah, I know it's my fault. It's not the gun.
I'm confused!
I'm getting closer!
I'm probably only, uh, four-and-a-half, five yards away at this point.
If I miss at this range, I'm just going to retire from shooting.
[Exasperated] Ooohhh my goodness!
With the last round!
Let's go take a look at it.
I barely hit it on the top, so I didn't even do much damage to it.
Man, I don't know why I'm having a hard time with this XDm.
Alright, well we'll call it good. Maybe we'll try some of our other guns.
Alright. We're ready.
Mason's going to use the .38 Special.
Charter Arms, uh, what is it? The Lavender Lady? Or Lady Lavender. One of those two. I can never remember.
But he is going to shoot at some zombie fruit as well.
[Click of the gun's hammer falling on an empty casing]
Well, five rounds. That's it.
.38 Special, Charter Arms.
Come on, let's put that thing out of its misery.
[gun clicks as hammer falls on an empty casing]
Alright.
Well, maybe we should smash its head in with a rock.
Okay. Mason on the Browning Buckmark .22 competition pistol.
Going after... I don't know where this...
This zombie cantaloupe just came out of nowhere and sat itself right on top of that little dirt pile.
We thought, "Hey, we've got some guns and ammo. Let's kill it!"
Well, we failed to kill it.
Don't worry. We'll keep trying.
MASON: [unintelligible]
STU: Oh, did you put a hole in it? Let's go look!
Oh yeah, you did hit it!
Let's get a good look at that.
MASON: It's dripping blood.
MASON: Oh, just seeds.
STU: Well, you know how zombies are. We might have to shoot that thing again.
So... yeah.
It's a .22 long rifle hollow point.
Alright. We're here to finish the job! Put more holes in that cantaloupe!
Freaking salmonella-infested zombie fruit piece of crap!
Put your orange guts all over the place.
Ooh, there's a hit!
There we go.
Okay, either it's starting to rain or a piece of cantaloupe hit me on the head.
Uh, we'll get a good look inside the cantaloupe here. See what a .22 long rifle does.
Well, if that were somebody's head, and you were able to get through the skull, all that mushy orange stuff may as well be gray matter.
Um, so I'm just going to shoot some more .357 Sigs through my M&P.
It felt a little weird when I shot it the first time, those hollow points.
And so now I've got full-metal jacket, uh, Lawman. Speer Lawman.
[deep sigh]
Alright! Come on man! Let's hit that thing!
We're gonna...
We still got that cantaloupe sitting out there. So one way or another, we're going to put it out of its misery.
I noticed that I was flinching there.
And so obviously I've got issues. I need to go to the range more often.
[exasperated] Didn't even hit it! Man!
We're terrible! We're... I'm like the worst zombie hunter in the world man!
This is... If the zombie apocalypse ever happens for real I, I'm just, you know. You may as well shoot me
because I'm going to be a zombie already. I can't hit 'em worth squat.
I wish I would've gotten this on film, but my son decided to put a magazine through the PT709 Slim.
And we finally, FINALLY, killed the cantaloupe -- the zombie cantaloupe!
[sniffs] Ah, you smell that?
That smells like zombie cantaloupe to me.
It's a good thing its dead.
Freaking rotten, infested cantaloupe. Good riddance!