Massholes Episode 6: A Gig is a Gig


Uploaded by LOUD on 01.11.2012

Transcript:

PADDY QUINN: No, it's the same fucking guy, I'm just looking
for Jeremy Goldstein.
He's an agent in the company.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Where is he?
PADDY QUINN: No, listen.
Would you like me to come down?
Because I can fucking come down.
Do you want me to fucking come down here?
Because if I come down there, then we can fucking--
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Let me talk to him.
[INAUDIBLE].
Listen, listen, you don't want Paddy down there.
Listen to me.
PADDY QUINN: Why is he so fucking [UNINTELLIGIBLE]?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Young lady, young lady--
JEREMY GOLDSTEIN: I mean, they don't even know that I'm not a
real agent.
And Kenny--
I don't even know him-- and he just puts me in this position
with these two guys.
And they keep harassing me and calling me when they're drunk.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Listen to me, he's Kenny Wormald.
KENNY WORMALD Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't say that.
Don't say that.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We have same agent as Kenny Wormald--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
KENNY WORMALD: Hello?
Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Yeah, it's Kenny Wormald.
JEREMY GOLDSTEIN: Look, I'm just trying to do my job.
KENNY WORMALD: Can you connect me to the mail room?
Yeah?
OK, thanks.
Yeah, he's getting him now.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
PADDY QUINN: Nice, we've been calling.
KENNY WORMALD: Jeremy, Jeremy?
Hey, bud.
Hey.
It's Kenny.
Yeah, I'm with the guys.
They're slightly--
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Hey, Jeremy!
KENNY WORMALD:--anxious to--
PADDY QUINN: Jeremy, we've been calling.
KENNY WORMALD:--hear
PADDY QUINN: Fuck.
KENNY WORMALD: --what's up with that gig?
[LISTENING TO PHONE CALL]
KENNY WORMALD: Yeah, no they'll do it.
Yeah.
What exactly is it?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We might have a gig.
PADDY QUINN: We didn't audition for a gig.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: We don't need to audition.
KENNY WORMALD: Yeah.
No, yeah, no.
They'll fucking do it.
They'll do it.
Absolutely.
Book them, Danzo.
You got a fucking gig.
PADDY QUINN: We got a gig?
KENNY WORMALD: You got a gig.
PADDY QUINN: It's a real gig?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: What kind of gig?
KENNY WORMALD: A gig's a gig.
It's a fucking gig.
PADDY QUINN: A gig's a gig.
JEREMY GOLDSTEIN: I don't know.
I did the only thing I could do.
I went on Craigslist and took what I could get.
KENNY WORMALD: Let's pop some bottles tonight, kid.
PADDY QUINN: Paid actors!
PADDY QUINN: Yes!
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Let's go fucking rock Hollywood.

BRENT: Paddy and Jimmy are standing on Hollywood
Boulevard wearing a onesie.
And there's a guy back there who forged his own "Halo"
costume himself.
PADDY QUINN: Let's just fucking go home, Jimmy.
This is fucking embarrassing.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Fuck my life.
This is unbelievable.
I can't believe I'm here.
PADDY QUINN: This fucking thing doesn't even fit me.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I'm embarrassed.
KENNY WORMALD: Guys, what the fuck are you doing?
You're making yourself look like idiots.
PADDY QUINN: Yeah, no shit.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah, look at us.
KENNY WORMALD: No, no, no.
I'm serious.
Look, don't you think I had to do some shitty jobs before I
got started?
I mean, come on.
I dressed up like a chicken during El Pollo Loco's "Choke
the Chicken" week.
Do you know what it's like to have a bunch old, heavy-set
women trying to find the special sauce?
Do you?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: No.
KENNY WORMALD: Do you?
PADDY QUINN: No.
KENNY WORMALD: OK, then.
Shut the fuck up and get your job done.
Do it good.
You'll be home before you know it.
Make me proud.
To infinity and beyond, guys.
I love you!
KENNY WORMALD: No, that was all bullshit.
I never dressed up like a fucking chicken.
PADDY QUINN: We figured after the speech that Kenny gave us,
we felt motivated.
East coast, blue-collar guys-- we know how to put in a hard
day's work.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: It looks like Lansdowne Street
after the Red Sox lose.
It's a bunch of weirdos, a bunch of drunks.
Look at that.
There's that Freddy again.
BRENT: Listen, listen-- no, no no.
Do you see how Freddy Krueger is working it right now?
You guys see that?
You need to be like Freddy.
PADDY QUINN: What the fuck [UNINTELLIGIBLE]?
BRENT: Notice what Freddy is doing.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Freddy's scaring me.
BRENT: See, look at this.
You know what is is?
Freddy's committed.
Freddy's committed.
PADDY QUINN: Freddy's a fucking weirdo.
BRENT: This is where it all happens,
man, this is Hollywood.

Hollywood, man!
PADDY QUINN: Brent, what the fuck do you want, dude?
We're fucking standing in the fucking sun over here, I can't
see anything.
BRENT: I just want a little effort.
Jimmy, you're Buzz Lightyear, what's your catch phrase?
JIMMY RUGGIERO: To infinity--
BRENT: To infinity and beyond!
Think about if you were going to infinity and beyond that.
PADDY QUINN: To infinity and beyond!
BRENT: Infinity and beyond.
And Paddy, what's your catch phrase?
Woody's catch phrase?
PADDY QUINN: Fucking, someone poisoned the waterhole.
BRENT: Looks like somebody poisoned the waterhole!
Somebody actually poisoned the waterhole, and you
need to stop it.
PADDY QUINN: I think someone poisoned your mother's
waterhole, didn't they?
BRENT: You better not--
PADDY QUINN: It was me.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Yeah.
It's not about me and Paddy.
We're actually doing it for the kids.
We don't mean to scare you.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Kids love Woody and Buzz.
We gotta live up to their expectations.
- [UNINTELLIGIBLE PHRASE]
I had this toy.
[CHEERING]
PADDY QUINN: You know, it's nice.
We got tons of fans, they love talking to us.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Do you want a picture?
-No, thank you.
PADDY QUINN: We love interacting with them.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Jackie Chan!
Hurray!
Karaoke!
PADDY QUINN: You know, there's a lot of other talented people
out here performing, just like us.
- What the fuck?
This is my fucking spot.
How do you think I make a living?
- You gotta get the prime spots.
JIMMY RUGGIERO: Whoa. whoa, whoa.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Did you not see Scarlett Johansson's [INAUDIBLE]
right here?
- I want the big titty spot.
- [INAUDIBLE]
I [INAUDIBLE] at Mario fucking Lopez, motherfucker.
- I had to knife a little girl and her family.
- How about I fuck you up and they have to put
Jameson in your IV?
You fucking drunk motherfuckers.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
JIMMY RUGGIERO: I would like that.
- Yeah, you probably would.
PADDY QUINN: And if we expect to be treated like
professionals, we should treat them with the same courtesy.
[FIGHTING NOISES]
PADDY QUINN: How about some kryptonite, huh?
[MUSIC]
MARGUERITE INSOLIA: It's hot.
Yeah, I've been doing this for two months now.
Pays the bills, it's fun, it's better than working at
Starbucks, or some shit.
So Catwoman's a good friend of mine.
We got some BLs the other night.
One woman's a bitch.
Went on a date with that guy--
Spiderman.
My mom thinks that's hilarious.
I don't.
Whatever, it's fun and these guys have no idea it's me.
So that's cool.