JORDAN CARLOS & YOUNG HOLLYWOOD LIVE - 6/27/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 27.06.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Just put it in the TweetDeck, it's
time for the show.
[FINGER SNAP]

That was a new app for me.
Is that not topical, TweetDeck?
All right.
Hey, my little gumdrops, it's me.
It's Beth Hoyt-- welcome to My Damn Channel LIVE for
Wednesday, June 27, 2012, broadcasting from Earth.
What if some aliens are watching?
They'd be, like, I love that Beth Hoyt, but what planet is
she broadcasting from?
That's why I let then know-- we're on Earth.
And now they're probably going to attack us.
Sorry guys.
I may have just ended the world.
But if I didn't, then we have a really fun show today.
Jordan Carlos from The Colbert Report, MTV's Guy Code, and I
Just Want My Pants Back will be here to hang out and get
grilled by me and respond to your comments and questions.
And of course, we've got My Damn Channel
original comedy premieres.
But first--
something kind of special.
A few weeks ago, I was flown by airplane to Hollywood,
California to cover the red carpet of The
Young Hollywood Awards.
I was really honored that The Young Hollywood Awards
included My Damn Channel.
To be honest, I'm a little hazy on
exactly what I did there.
I don't know if it was first red carpet nerves or the fact
that I knocked myself out in the bidet in my hotel room or
jet lag, but I'm fully recovered now.
I just--
what a night for a concussion, you know?
Just watch.

The glitz, the glamour, the red carpet.
I'm Beth Hoyt from My Damn Channel here at the 14th
annual Young Hollywood Awards.
I'm so excited to be here.
A little speed bump this morning, we're good to go--
the stars are out.
Let's do this.
I'm gonna pass out.

GINNIFER GOODWIN: Hey, how are you?
BETH HOYT: I'm--
I'm about a 2 and 1/2.
GINNIFER GOODWIN: Oh, my goodness.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
[INAUDIBLE]
I just thought I'd use you 'cause I'm probably going to
be wearing this for, like, a while, so do you have any tips
for how I can, like, cover it up, or what I
could do with this?
GINNIFER GOODWIN: You know what?
I say, own it.
BETH HOYT: This is my first red carpet but not my first
concussion, so we're fine.
JAMES MARLOW: You know, being on red carpets make me a
little bit nervous.
I don't know if that's really normal for anybody, but--
BETH HOYT: I'm very nervous.
I vomited twice.
I'm just hoping that, you know--
JAMES MARLOW: Not that bad.

BETH HOYT: OK, on a scale of one to 10, how bad would it be
if I threw up on January Jones' dress tonight?
I'm here--
SECURITY GUY: No--
BETH HOYT: --with James Van Der Beek.
SECURITY GUY: No.
BETH HOYT: This is a question I've been dying to ask you.
I've been waiting all eve-- because I--
I just, um--

I'm sorry.
How long was I out this time?
What do you do when you can't feel your feet?
SIERRA MCCORMICK: I find somewhere to sit, and I just,
kinda, just really--
BETH HOYT: OK.
That's great advice.
Thank you so much.
SIERRA MCCORMICK: You're welcome.
BETH HOYT: You look beautiful.
What are you wearing?
JAYME DEE: I am wearing Alberto Ferra--
ASSISTANT: Ferretti--
JAYME DEE: Ferretti.
I--
BETH HOYT: That's OK--
JAYME DEE: --always forget it.
BETH HOYT: I forgot my name--
Do you know what?
Did I tell you my name when we met?

I'm James Van Der Beek, here at the James
Van Der Beek theater--
wait, no.
I'm just wondering if you know, possibly, what hotel I'm
staying at?
Ashley Greene's up next.
Big host of the evening.
I've been wanting to meet-- see you all night long, 'cause
I have this--
ASHLEY GREENE: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: --I have this question I want to ask you--
oh, my gosh--
I just wanted to--
[MUMBLING].

So.
Heh.
I found an earring.

Oh, my god--
James Van Der Beek is coming--
OK, James Van Der Beek is here.
He is on the carpet.
I'm ready for you.
I am so excited about this.
And I am so close to falling asleep.
It's very weird to feel these two things at once.
It's so fabulous that you're here.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: I've been waiting all night long.
Here's the thing, though.
I've been here for a while, slippin' in and out of
conscious--
I'm just--
I'm afraid I'm gonna--
I'm gonna forget this.
Maybe just tell me my name and stuff, just so I
don't forget it.
Like, did I start off with my name?
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: No, you started off with my name.
"Hi, I'm James Van Der Beek." It's all right.
BETH HOYT: Just give me that, then.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: I'm a little confused as to what
you're doin' here.
BETH HOYT: So am I.
JAMES VAN DER BEEK: OK.
BETH HOYT: I don't know what--
did that happen?
I think I just wanna sleep now.
Is that OK?

Wow, what a fabulous evening this has been here at the Van
Der Beek theater.
I am Hoyt Beth of the Damn Channel My--
Dawson was here, it was fabulous.
But once again, I'm Sophia Bush.
Welcome to the-- welcome to the-- welcome--
I'm--
60 Minutes is next, I'm just gonna take a--
just gonna take a minute.
Did it start yet?

[DISTANT SIRENS]
Is that my ride?

Great event.
Thank you so much to Young Hollywood for having us.
Really comfortable red carpet you guys
are putting out there.
Also just so you don't worry, I did make it to my hotel room
that night.
Not the room I initially checked into, but the one that
became my hotel room.
I checked in, they checked my vitals--
there was only a twin bed, bad food-- but man, did I sleep.
And since that was my first red carpet experience, I think
this would be a good time to do a little segment we like to
call, "Lessons Learned, with Beth Hoyt."
Lesson one, always pack a neck brace.
Even if you don't get injured, it's never a bad thing to have
on a long flight.
Classic white goes with most red carpet attire.

Lesson two, celebrities get nervous, too.
Also, sometimes they follow up your
question with their question.
What are you wearing?
Do you need medical assistance?

Lesson three, James Van Der Beek really does look a lot
like Dawson.

Lesson four, a bidet is not something you should stand on.

Lesson five, if you don't treat a concussion, there
might be slight permanent memory loss.

Lesson five, boy, they sure do act friendly when you check
into a hospital, but there are no smiley faces on that bill
when it arrives.

Lesson five--
oh.
All right.
Next up, we've got another installment
from Gilbert Gottfried.
A lot people think that Gilbert is angry all the time,
but he only gets angry about crazy and/or dumb things in
our culture.
The problem is, there are so many crazy dumb
things in our culture.
Speaking of which, here's another episode of
Gilbert Gets It.

-Hey, folks.
Gilbert Gottfried here.
So there's this gun range in Texas that is planning to host
birthday parties for children, ages 8 and up.
The parties will feature a 30-minute class in gun safety.
Then the kids will get the chance to shoot
a 22 caliber rifle.
Look, I get it, Texas.
You're not going to lead the nation in executions unless
you teach your kids how to kill people.
And what better way to blow out the candles on little
Bobby's birthday cake than with a blast from a shotgun?
I just hope they offer advanced classes for some of
the older parties, like firing your rifle from
a university tower.
But no surprise parties.
You never wanna startle a Texan packing heat.
Meanwhile, there's this fancy urinal designed to look like a
guitar that plays different notes when you
pee across the strings.
Not only that--
once you're done, it will upload your song to a website
so that you can stream it online.
Look, I get it.
Everyone loves to make music.
And this way, you can strum the guitar and play with your
organ at the same time.
I'd love to try it out.
Though I have to admit, I have trouble playing the guitar
when someone else is playing next to me.
I actually went online and listened to other people's
piss music.
It wasn't great, but it was all still better
than the new Coldplay.
My early piss music was fantastic.
But I'll admit, lately I've been coming up with shit.
Finally, a designer in Colombia has made a polo shirt
that is not only stylish but also bulletproof.
It costs between $3,000 and $9,000, depending on what kind
of weaponry you want it to protect you from.
So for you poor drug lords, I hope your enemies only carry
tiny handguns.
Look, I get it.
You need to protect yourself from rival cartels.
But you also love casual Fridays.
If these take off, maybe they'll make the whole leisure
suit bulletproof.
[GUNSHOT]
Honestly, this sounds like a great idea, especially if you
prefer getting shot in the arms and face.
I actually bought one of these shirts.
I'm wearing it to my nephew's birthday party this
weekend in El Paso.
Do you guys know any stupid stuff I can sound off on?
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a full bladder.
I'm going to go play "Free Bird."
BETH HOYT: He gets it, and you get him.
It's a win-win on a bunch of loser situations, right?
So you guys, I got the nicest little gift in
the mail this week.
It was sent by Jade Catta-Preta, who plays Steve
Rannazzisi's wife on our Daddy Knows Best series.
She was a guest on the show a while back.
I think we have a picture--
great photo.
Great job.
There's never a photo of me that is not candid I am not in
the middle of some awkward word.
Anyway, she was totally sweet, and she said she would send a
gift for the set, and she did.
She does what she says.
It's a tiny little Rubik's Cube.
And I solved it because I'm--
just kidding.
I pulled the pieces apart and put it together and snapped
them together the right way.
Actually, I didn't even do that.
Krister, our writer, did, because I wouldn't even know
how to do that.
Anyway, it's gonna live forever on our set, and I
think I'm gonna put it right--
getting colder, it's colder, it's colder, getting warmer.
Ding, ding, ding-- hot.
Right there, right?
That looks good.
Also she sent a cute card, like thoughtful people do.
And she was wondering why I didn't hit on her when she
visited but I did hit on Steve.
Remember that video when he came to my apartment?
I don't understand.
I wasn't hitting on Steve.
People misread my emotions all the time.
I'm so frustrated by that.
Just kidding.
I'm OK with it.
And for the record, I was hitting on Jade.
Anyway, enough talking about Jade and Steve.
Let's watch them right now.
Another My Damn Channel original comedy premiere, and
it is the season finale of Daddy Knows Best.
Enjoy this.
It's gonna have to last you guys a while.
When we get back we'll be talking with our
guest, Jordan Carlos.
But first, this is Daddy Knows Best with "Babysitter."
-You're the mother, come on.
-Hey.
-Hello.
-Hey, you guys.
-How was he?
-Oh my god, he is the most adorable thing in the world.
-Really?
Our kid?
-Yeah.
Any time you ever need a baby sitter, I'm always available.
-OK, cool.
Um, do you need to call your dad so he can give you a lift?
-My dad's car broke down.
Is there any way you can give me a ride home?
-Oh, yeah, sure.
-Yeah, you'll drive her?
-Thank you so much.
Thank you.

-And, uh, here we are.
Thank you again for helping us out tonight.
It was so huge.
-You're welcome.
What do you like better, puppies or kitties?
-If you're puttin' me on the spot, I would say that I'm
probably more of a puppy man myself.
-I think you're really handsome.
-Oh, thank you.
A lot of people say I remind them of
a young David Boreanaz.
-I don't know who that is.
-It's the guy from Bones.
You don't watch Bones?
-I usually just watch cartoons.
-Oh.
You're missing out.
-I really want to see your penis.
-What?
Wait, what did you just say?
-Are you gonna show it to me?
-No.
What are you, out of your mind?
This is highly inappropriate talk for a child.
-Gimme your dick!
-What?
Dick?
-If you don't do what I tell you, I'm gonna tell everyone
that you groped me.
And who are they gonna believe, you or me?
Help me, help me.
-Oh, you're an evil bitch.
-I hope you like hand jobs.
-No.
No, no, don't do this.
[ZIP]
What?
Oh--
oh, my--
no, no, no--
oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh god.
Oh-ho.
[WHIMPERING]
The sun'll come out tomorrow.
So you gotta hang on till tomorrow--
[THUNDER CLAP]
-Oh my god.
Steve.
-Yeah?
-Do you remember that babysitter that we had, Sarah?

-No.
-The-- the girl, you drove her home that night?
That night that we went to dinner?
-I don't remember her.
I don't know.
I can't remember everyone I've ever met before.
Why?
What's the--
what did she say?
-No, I haven't talked to her.
But it turns out that she's a 35-year-old serial rapist.
-What?
Shocking.
-I know.
She's going to jail.
Look.
-Did they, um--
did they mention if-- if she kept, like, a journal of all
her victims' names or, like, specifically who she raped?
-No.
They don't-- they don't release that stuff.
It's, like, you know--
-Oh, good.
OK.
-Are you OK?
-I--
I just feel like I--
I'm lucky.
I'm the one that got away.
-Yeah.
-I'm the one who didn't receive the hand job.
Thank goodness.
-They didn't say-- nobody said anything about a--
-I don't know.
I'm not sure how--
how one rapes.
I'm not sure what her raping style was.
But I would assume someone of that size would just probably
viciously jerk you off.
-I'm shocked.
Oh, no, no, no, honey.
No, no, it's yucky, today, OK?
But--
the sun'll come out tomorrow.
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow--
[WEEPING]
--there'll be--
-Make it stop.
-Honey, my voice is not that bad.
-Shut up!

BETH HOYT: All right, you guys.
Rushing right past that, look who's here, Jordan Carlos.
JORDAN CARLOS: Hello, hello.
BETH HOYT: Thank you so much for joining us.
JORDAN CARLOS: Of course.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh.
So Jordan Carlos is a regular on The Colbert Report, he's
from MTV's I Just Want My Pants Back and Guy Code.
He's really well-known for stand-up, too, which, I love
his stand-up a lot.
So I just wondered if you'd do some of that for us, right
here, right now.
JORDAN CARLOS: What's going on?
BETH HOYT: Jordan Carlos, everybody.
JORDAN CARLOS: Ah--
right now?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
JORDAN CARLOS: OK.
Um, this is a very small-- there's like,
nine people in here.
Tops.
BETH HOYT: Oh, no, there's--
you know--
Jordan Carlos, everybody.
JORDAN CARLOS: All right, jokes.
Ah, I love listening to Pandora.
Anybody else like Pandora?
OK, don't open your hearts to me.
I like listening to Pandora.
And, um--
just the other day, um, Montell Jordan's "This Is How
We Do It" farted out of Pandora.
And I love that song.
Um, it's a bar mitzvah song.
It's a great song.
There's just this one line in it where he says, "the gang
bangers forgot about the drive by-ee." And I was, like, what?
What kind of a shitty gang banger blanks on a
drive by, you know?
Like, what's a gang banger doin' all day?
You know, I'm just imagining this gang banger, like,
winding down his night.
He's like, did Datrell do everything he was
supposed to do today?
Got myself a 40, I got myself a shorty--
I forgot about the drive-by.
Oh, shit, what time is it?
I'm such a dum-dum.
This is how we do it.
I--
I like Pandora.
It's a very insecure app, am I right?
Uh, OK, because you always get that message, like, are you
still listening?
I'm like, yes, Pandora.
I'm still listening.
Relax.
OK.
Had higher hopes for that joke.
Moving on-- um, New York's crazy.
I recently saw two people get divorced on the subway.
That was pretty hash tag cray.
They were arguing back and forth, like, eff you.
No, eff you.
Fuck you.
And then woman goes, that's it, D'Andre, divorce!
Like that.
And I responded like anybody else would in that situation.
I paused my iPod right away.
Right away.
I was like, James Taylor can wait.
He can wait.
Not James Taylor fans?
All right, so the man did not take it very well.
He said, divorces like that, well, why don't you go suck a
dick in space?
And I--
I was like, wow.
Now I'm really glad I paused my iPod because he's a poet.
And, um, you've got to swallow in space.
Huh?
Oh, wrap it up?
OK, well, the woman said, well, uh, I wasn't gonna have
your baby any damn way, D'Andre.
Not after what the woman from around the corner had said.
And I was like, what did the woman from around
the corner had said?
And she was like, I'm not gonna have your baby because
she told me that you was legally retarded.
Now that's a bad word.
Then--
and then she said, I can't believe I was married to you
when you're secretly, legally retarded.
And I wanted--
I fought myself--
not to be, like, I can believe it and then
jump off the train.
But, um, that was my stop.
I had to lea--
that's the story.
I think we're OK.
That was the least amount of laughs that I've ever gotten.
BETH HOYT: Jordan Carlos, I mean, Jordan,
join me over here.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah, OK, all right.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh.
You can get--
this part's done.
That was fabulous.
We're just trying out that new kind of segment.
That was funny, funny stuff.
I didn't want to interrupt it.
It was a different kind of vibe going on.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah, it's definitely a
different vibe than--
BETH HOYT: They're laughing.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah.
Are they?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
It's hard--
you learn to hear the YouTube audience.
Did you feel towards the end there how you
can tell they are?
JORDAN CARLOS: Boy, I didn't need an audience to know that
I was making people laugh.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Well, you shouldn't.
It's funny, funny stuff.
JORDAN CARLOS: In stand-up, you just say it.
And then people just are dead inside,
and they don't respond.
That's the best part of it.
BETH HOYT: Is that it?
JORDAN CARLOS: The immediate reaction is not necessary.
You divorce yourself from that.
BETH HOYT: Oh, cool.
Gosh.
Well, great.
I would love for you to stick around some more to give more
of this advice.
Thank you for trying that out, by the way.
You're a real trooper and champ for just--
JORDAN CARLOS: Ah.
Oh my god.
BETH HOYT: Thank you so much, Jordan.
We're gonna come back and answer questions and comments
people put on YouTube and Twitter for you.
Because a lot of your fans have tweeted in stuff.
JORDAN CARLOS: They have?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Did we just do a huge number on your self-esteem?
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah.
It's a notch below--
BETH HOYT: Do you feel great?
JORDAN CARLOS: Uh, what?
Uh, no.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
You should.
Because you reached so many more people just now, through
YouTube, than you could have at a club.
JORDAN CARLOS: As a comedian, you have a reputation for
laughs, and you're only as good as your last set.
And I really don't feel very good right now.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god, you should feel great.
You guys?
How much did we-- we all four of us--
anyway, you need, you need to feel great about yourself.
JORDAN CARLOS: I am not gonna stay--
BETH HOYT: We're gonna come back and answer some questions
and get you feeling great.
You guys, right now, though, we're gonna
watch you in this video.
It's a My Damn Channel original that co-stars this
guy right here.
JORDAN CARLOS: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: Kicking Dan Out, you guys.
Jordan Carlos.

-Hey, what's going on, roommates?
-Dan, can you sit down?
-Holy shit.
Is this an intervention?
-No.
-Give me a second, give me a second.
I had to smoke crack to suck dick.
Other way around.
I'm sorry.
I'm nervous.
You guys put me on the spot, here.
TIM (OFFSCREEN): Dan!
THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan ow-ow-out.
-We're kicking you out.
-No, it's cool, I'm totally addicted to Hydrocodone.
-It's not just because you're a drug addict.
-Well, what else?
-You haven't paid rent in three months.
-Well, that's fucking Lehman Brothers' fault.
If they hadn't collapsed, and I hadn't lost my job--
-Uh, you were a janitor.
And they fired you way before the crash.
-Because I saw it coming.
-Uh, I think it was because you called a woman in a
wheelchair a [BLEEP].
-She was being a [BLEEP].
What, if you're handicapped, you're not
allowed to be a [BLEEP].
That seems pretty narrow minded, Jill.
-You're such a bad person.
-John, how about you?
-No.
You--
you tried to fuck my girlfriend
when she came to visit.
-I was just giving her a whore test, man.
For you.
Turns out she's just really stuck up.
-Ah.
-I'll help you pack.
Even though I'm pretty sure all you have is a book on
flipping houses and a Bud Light T-shirt that says,
"Beware
Penguins." -Oh, OK.
Not all of us have fancy dress shirts or-- or Blu-ray or
medicine or Google, Todd.
-It's Tim.
-Tim, Todd, whatever.
I've been kicked out of four places this year.
Four.
And that's not even counting the time I got thrown out of
Lady Foot Locker for eating a muffin.
This place is great.
There's no water that leaks on me and--
and bugs and I--
I'm not having that dream where I'm-- where I'm driving
a bus and we're trying to get the kids to heaven but--
but-- but the kids don't know they're dead, so I've got to
tell them they're dead.
And we're so close to the park.
-I'm sorry.
-My dad treats me like shit.
I got a weird body.
-Yeah, we're done.
-I just want you guys to know, you were never second best.
-Thanks, Dan.
-Hey, Jill?
-Yeah.
-Fuck you.
I was talking about the guys.

-You're-- you're gonna take that cat, right?
-He's been dead for three days.

THEME SONG: Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan out.
Kicking Dan ow-ow-out.

BETH HOYT: I love that video.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah, it was really good.
I love DSG.
He's great.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
He's such a good guy.
Did you film that in his apartment?
Where'd you film that?
JORDAN CARLOS: Uh, no, I don't think you can get cameras into
Dan's apartment.
We filmed it in this nice lady's apartment who
was going to Paris.
BETH HOYT: Ooh.
Aren't all the nice ladies?
Have you ever kicked out a roommate?
JORDAN CARLOS: I've never--
no.
I don't think I've ever kicked out a roommate.
No, I always get along.
BETH HOYT: That's good.
JORDAN CARLOS: I get along.
BETH HOYT: And you know not to room with someone who would
potentially be someone you'd need to kick out.
That's step number one.
JORDAN CARLOS: No.
BETH HOYT: You seem like a sensible guy.
JORDAN CARLOS: No, I am a sensible guy.
I think I'm easy to live with.
I think I'm pretty easy to live with.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
JORDAN CARLOS: I do my dishes, I clean my one
fork, and my one plate.
BETH HOYT: Oh, so are you one of those?
JORDAN CARLOS: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
That's all you really-- what about a spoon?
Or a cup?
JORDAN CARLOS: Mm, don't use them.
That's gross.
BETH HOYT: No cereal for you.
JORDAN CARLOS: No, lots.
BETH HOYT: With a fork?
JORDAN CARLOS: Sure.
BETH HOYT: I see a few problems with that.
But let's--
JORDAN CARLOS: What, am I alone in this world?
Everybody does that.
BETH HOYT: Well, I mean, I was with you until that.
So the milk, you just, what, leave at the bottom?
JORDAN CARLOS: Uh, yeah.
Leave it at the bottom, pour it down my mouth.
Just let it run down, like a viking.
BETH HOYT: Oh, OK.
Well, that's one way of doing it, you guys.
So here's a comment from YouTube.
Um, this is from stacyandclinton.
"You did good, Jordan!" Aw, see?
JORDAN CARLOS: Thank you, stacyandclinton.
BETH HOYT: She's one of the many people who is just
feeling the love.
That's how it is in 2012 with comedy.
JORDAN CARLOS: Aw, that's great.
Was it Stacy and Clinton?
I mean, are they one?
Is it, like, a couple?
BETH HOYT: Maybe it's two people.
JORDAN CARLOS: Maybe it's two people.
BETH HOYT: Two people.
JORDAN CARLOS: They both feel it.
They don't have time for separate comments.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, to have different accounts.
Write this, Stacy.
No, Clinton, you write this.
JORDAN CARLOS: But they're a unified front, and I
appreciate that.
That's really cool.
BETH HOYT: Next tweet.
JORDAN CARLOS: OK, I don't feel so bad.
BETH HOYT: No, don't.
Check that.
You should feel good.
Next tweet is from BlueGray11.
"Did you pop champagne when a nuclear reaction didn't take
place between Jon Stewart and Marco Rubio?" So first of all,
you're working on The Daily Show right now.
JORDAN CARLOS: No.
BETH HOYT: Or the Indecision campaign.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yes.
I work for Indecision, which is an arm of Comedy Central,
The Daily--
OK, um, yeah, Iike that.
BETH HOYT: Visual.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah.
So I was not privy to the Marco Rubio/Jon Daly thing.
But Jon Daly's really nice.
If he doesn't agree with you, he'll be really nice to you.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You mean Jon Stewart.
JORDAN CARLOS: No, Jon Daly.
BETH HOYT: Is Jon Daly in that --
I didn't say that correctly--
JORDAN CARLOS: No, the golfer.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
JORDAN CARLOS: No, I effed up.
Jon Stewart is nice, too.
BETH HOYT: Then I took a deep breath because you never know
who John Daly has played, or if he was there doing
something--
JORDAN CARLOS: The Jon Daily Show--
I say it, like--
BETH HOYT: Oh, well that makes sense.
JORDAN CARLOS: --what my grandma says.
BETH HOYT: 'Cause you were thinking of The Daily Show,
and then I went to the comic John Daly, and we just did a
full comedy circle.
JORDAN CARLOS: My grandma calls it The John Daily Show,
and so I just--
BETH HOYT: Well, good for your grandma.
That's cute.
JORDAN CARLOS: Like the golfer has his own news show.
But no, he's very kind to people he disagrees with.
BETH HOYT: Cool.
Do you interact with him often?
JORDAN CARLOS: No.
No, I've never--
guys, please.
BETH HOYT: BFFs.
BFFs, him and Jon Daily.
JORDAN CARLOS: Please we're burning bridges.
BETH HOYT: Jordan Carlos and John Daily forever.
JORDAN CARLOS: I'm low on the totem pole.
It's two different things.
BETH HOYT: Next comment is from Tige9999.
I want to say Tiger, but--
JORDAN CARLOS: Tige.
BETH HOYT: Tige9999.
"Jordan seems pretty nervous."
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah.
Well, I guess I lose my personality
around people like Beth.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I make everyone super uncomfortable.
And then if that's not already just gonna happen, then
setting you up to do that.
JORDAN CARLOS: To fail.
And then we got Lite Brights over here.
BETH HOYT: He seemed pretty calm when he came in.
So I was like, what can I do to really
fuck Jordan up today?
I think it worked.
JORDAN CARLOS: Playing those mind games.
BETH HOYT: Thanks, Tige9999.
So it looks like it worked.
JORDAN CARLOS: Thanks for being honest.
BETH HOYT: Next tweet is from BudCort.
"What happened to I Just Want My Pants Back?
That show was so funny!" Yes.
JORDAN CARLOS: Is that actor Bud Cort?
Well, actor Bud Cort, I--
BETH HOYT: Who is Bud Cort?
BETH HOYT: Bud Cort was in Harold and Maude.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
JORDAN CARLOS: And it seems obvious that Bud Cort would
watch I Just Want My Pants Back because it's like, pffft,
game recognize game.
Well, Bud, I Just Want My Pants Back got the big shove
from MTV, which is fine.
But our fearless leader Doug Limon, perhaps you know him
from Swingers and The Bourne Identity, perhaps you've heard
of movies--
BETH HOYT: Perhaps.
JORDAN CARLOS: --is still fighting to
keep the show on air.
So hopefully--
BETH HOYT: And then what happened with the
pants being sent to--
JORDAN CARLOS: 500 pants were sent to 1515 Broadway, into
the headquarters.
They were all size 33-32, which is what I am.
So was I behind in it?
I don't know.
My lips are sealed.
My lips are sealed.
BETH HOYT: If you see him wearing a different pair of
pants for the next 500 days--
JORDAN CARLOS: 500 days of pastel jeans.
Yeah, that's me.
BETH HOYT: OK, next tweet is from Mac A. Ronny.
"Jordan Carlos is too cute." How do you
make those heart signs?
Do you know how to do that on Twitter?
JORDAN CARLOS: I don't know.
I have no idea.
BETH HOYT: Well, good job with that.
And yeah.
You are.
JORDAN CARLOS: Too cute for what?
Like, I can't ride the ride?
Like, nah, too cute.
Get the eff outta here.
BETH HOYT: No.
Like, too cute, but we're gonna handle it.
Like, we're gonna buck up and handle it.
That's what that means.
So OK, Jordan.
That's all the time we have for those comments and tweets.
It just flies, right?
JORDAN CARLOS: That was relatively painless.
BETH HOYT: As soon as we make you feel
comfortable again, it's over.
JORDAN CARLOS: It's over.
BETH HOYT: So we accomplished that, I think, right?
And you did a great job.
You got so many more followers for the stand-up, you tried
something new--
But you bring up "This Is How We Do It." I know all the
words to that song.
I call that a rap song, but--
we'll get to that later.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah.
You can get your in a 6-4, right?
(SINGING) Whatever it is--
BETH HOYT: --the party's underway.
So pick up the truck and--
JORDAN CARLOS: --put your hands up.
And let me hear the party say.
BETH HOYT: I gotta stop.
Jordan, thanks so much for joining us.
What's happening next for you?
JORDAN CARLOS: Well, you can catch me on Indecision.
Also the second season of my show, Guy Code, is coming out
on July 17.
Check local listings for showtimes.
BETH HOYT: July 17, Guy Code.
Awesome.
And Indecision, with Jared Logan as your
partner on that, right?
JORDAN CARLOS: Yes, yes.
BETH HOYT: Cool.
Guys, thank you so much, Jordan.
JORDAN CARLOS: Dudical dudes, thank you.
Appreciate it.
BETH HOYT: We've got one more video for you.
I think it's safe to say that you've never seen a video like
this before.
Check out "Darkstar Troopers."
JORDAN CARLOS: Do it.

[TRUMPET FANFARE]

LEWIS (OFFSCREEN): I can't believe you did it again.
-I thought we weren't going to talk about this.
-How can we not talk about this?
You know what I had to go through to cover your ass?
-I just don't know why we have to destroy everything.
-It's called the Death Star, Mitchell, not the Cuddle Moon
of Endor.
-Oh, what's the big deal?
They destroyed Alderon, and nobody even blinked an eye.

-This isn't like the time you told Emperor Palpatine he
would benefit from some Botox.
This is worse.
So much worse.
-OK, first of all, that man's face has been pleading for a
grapefruit facial scrub and a glycolic rinse for years.
At this point, Botox is his only hope.
-Clearly, he doesn't care about his skin.
Does the Emperor seem metro to you?
-Ah, maybe a little.
I just wanted him to like us so he'd give us those cushy
Royal Guard jobs.
They get to carry a force pipe, they wear those fabulous
red robes-- it's like they're dressed for the opera.
-That doesn't excuse what happened today.
And you have to tone it down, Snow White.
We can't have the entire Imperial Army finding out
about our relationship.
-What?
What do you mean?
-I mean, stop tea bagging the new recruits.
You don't think that seems kind of gay?
-Hey, just because I'm aroused when I do it, does not
make it gay, OK?
That's how we bond with the new guys.
Every rookie gets hazed.
We did.
-We never had a superior penetrate us with their thumb.
-Too bad.
-We never woke up with their balls in our mouth.
-Louis, sweetie, take a deep breath.
There are no women on the Death Star.
Who recruits an army like that?
It's like they're daring us not to be homosexuals.
The entire Imperial Army is on the down low.
OK, let's just both relax, we'll have a glass of wine,
and-- oh look, we have a message.
-No, wait.
We can-- we can check it later.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You have a message from the Dark Lord.
Please stand by.
-Lewis, this is DV.
Uh, before I forget, I was wondering if you had my second
season DVD of Breaking Bad?
Brian Cranston has a direct line to my funny bone.
[LAUGHTER]
Did you know he also played the dad on
Malcolm in the Middle?
What a co-inky dink.
Any-hoo, Lewis, your request for a
transfer has been approved.
You can report to Tatooine on Monday.
So, ah, I was also wondering if either you or Mitchell had
seen the Planet Coruscant.
It seemed to have just disappeared, and yet I sense
no impending danger.
So, um, well, sorry about the long message.
Bye.
Turn off.
Stop recording.
Argh!
You have failed me for the last time, holophone.
[BUZZ]
[ZAP]
-Ah!
You requested a transfer because of
what happened today?
-You blew up a planet.
An entire planet.
And not just any planet--
the Imperial Center.
-You know, you could be a lot more supportive.
-This wasn't even the first time.
In the past six months, you've destroyed an
entire solar system.
People are gonna start to notice.
-OK, first of all, I did the galaxy a favor by destroying
that solar system.
Did you see the colors?
Green and orange do not go together, even in deep space.
And the truth is, you just want me around so you can feel
better about yourself.
-Oh, you know what?
At this moment, I do feel pretty good about myself--
compared to your shallow end of the gene pool.
But I am scared that our boss will crush us into a fine
powder with his mind.
-I would rather be crushed into a fine powder than listen
to another lecture from you!
-I want to stab my heart out with your fat little body!
-Ah, fat?
You bastard!

[COOING SOUNDS]

[SIGHING]
-I'm so glad we made up.
I hate it when we fight.
-I know.
I feel so much better.
ANNOUNCER: Coming soon, on "Darkstar Troopers"--
(MUSIC PLAYS)
[DISCO MUSIC]
[SNORTING SOUND]
[COUGHS]
-Oh, fuck, yeah.
I am totally tripping balls right now.
Space dust makes me crave Jedi mouth pussy.
-Mm.
-Huh?
Oh, no.
-Oh, boy.
-This right here is some fucked up shit.
-Oh, I don't know.
It's kinda sweet in a tragically disturbing way.
-The Dark Lord is making out with a Jedi knight.
A Jedi knight.

-Who's next?
-Hello.
-Hi.
THEME SONG: I kissed Chewbacca.
I liked it.
The taste of a--

BETH HOYT: Wait, so the entire empire was gay?
I think we just gave George Lucas a reason to release an
entire new version of all the movies again.
Man, that is all the time for today's show.
That is all the time.
Jordan is just showing off his pants.
You should check out this museum of a studio we have.
Anyway, I've got a plan to catch to California right now
because I'm hitting up Vidcon tomorrow.
My Damn Channel is representing at Vidcon.
Mark Malkoff is gonna be there, Daily Grace, Molly
Templeton, Shannon Coffey, and me.
I hope to see some of you there.
While I'm gone, Francesca Ramsey, AKA the fabulous
Chescaleigh, will be hosting Thursday and Friday.
I will always leave you guys in great hands.
Oh, I'm gonna leave her a little love note on the chalky
board, like I like to do.
And while I do this, oh--
Jordan, we have a follow-up Twitter from before.
JORDAN CARLOS: What did you say?
We have another Twitter?
BETH HOYT: Yes.
JORDAN CARLOS: OK.
BETH HOYT: I'm gonna draw Francesca something.
But, so this is a follow-up tweet from before.
From Mac A. Ronny.
"Ahh--
Jordan Carlos acknowledging my existence on My Damn Channel.
I'm so happy."
JORDAN CARLOS: It's what I do.
It is what I do.
I will always acknowledge your existence, Mac A. Ronny--
BETH HOYT: Always.
JORDAN CARLOS: No problem.
By the way, you 've got a Corgi.
BETH HOYT: Oh!
JORDAN CARLOS: And it's got a little peener.
BETH HOYT: Oh, it does?
JORDAN CARLOS: Cool.
This is really cool.
Look at that.
Think I didn't notice?
Think I didn't notice?
BETH HOYT: We have another tweet.
JORDAN CARLOS: We have another tweet?
BETH HOYT: Mm-hmm.
"Oh my god!
Veronica's famous!" This is from Erin Angela.
Wow.
They are making the rounds.
Look what you are doing for people.
JORDAN CARLOS: That's right.
You know what, King Maker.
King Maker.
Who else wants to be famous?
BETH HOYT: Jordan King Maker Carlos.
JORDAN CARLOS: I will say names.
Veronica.
You are famous.
You are Twitter famous.
BETH HOYT: Done.
All right.
I just turn that--
OK, well you guys wanna know what I'm drawing.
I'm failing.
OK, you guys are gonna find out what this is tomorrow.
Jordan, I'm gonna let you finish the mess I--
JORDAN CARLOS: OK.
BETH HOYT: Good luck.
Francesca, that's for you.
Next week we're all going on vacation because that's what
all Americans are doing next week.
But we are cooking up a special holiday video for you.
It will go up on this coming Monday.
And check it, I'll be back on Monday, July 9.
I'm taking back Mondays.
Grace is returning to Thursdays.
Everything is returning to normal, so don't panic.
No, don't show 'em yet.
You almost ruined everything.
JORDAN CARLOS: Sorry.
BETH HOYT: In the meantime, I'm so shaken right now.
You guys, in the meantime, let's talk on Twitter like
real friends.
Don't forget to subscribe.
And don't forget that you're my favorite.
Thanks, Jordan.
JORDAN CARLOS: Yeah, no problem.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Bye, you guys.
JORDAN CARLOS: Bye.