Shannon Coffey presents the Beth of the Week with Shannon Coffey - 6/15/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 15.06.2012

Transcript:

SHANNON COFFEY: [GASP]
My coffee is gone!
I only have a little bit of coffee left!
Someone call 911.
[PANTING]
Did you do this?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHANNON COFFEY: Hey guys, welcome to MyDamnChannel LIVE.
It's me, Shannon Coffey.
And I'm still here.
They tried to get me to leave yesterday.
But, you know, I slid under their couch.
And I was like, you can't see under there.
And they're like, actually Shannon, we can still see you.
And I was like, oh no.
I's lost my mystery.
Also, Beth is still in LA, so they really need me here.
I'm needed.
'Cause without me, there'd be no host, right?
[AH HEH]
Now, as you know, this is the point in the show where Beth
would normally introduce Beth of the Week, a mix of great
moments from the past week on MyDamnChannel LIVE.
But Beth ain't here.
And I'm Shannon Coffey.
So I'm not going to go introduce
some Beth of the Week.
Instead, I would like to present the world premiere of
Shannon Coffey Presents, Beth of the Week,
starring Shannon Coffey.
Enjoy!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Well it's one thing to talk to someone in person.
But it's very nerve-wracking to answer tweets.
-Yeah.
-Now you are, um, you're based in LA.
-Mm hm.
-Um.
-But I'm from New York.
-Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Exc--
[DOOR LATCH]
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): OK, so she's.
-I'm [INAUDIBLE].
MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Ask him to read, ask him to read
the prompter.
-Oooh!
This is dress is great for a live streaming show or a
funeral or some sort of like mall event.
-But so fake poop is worse than real pee,
wouldn't you say?
-Obviously, I'm reading Beth's lines for her today because
she's a little under the weather.
And I'm here in the audience, in the studio helping
you guys out today.
-Just get that--
it's just, it's smelling really Brooklyn-y.
-Suck it Queen.
No, sorry.
That's--
I, my grandmother's from England.
I just offended a whole side of the family that I don't
know very well.
-It's McMayhem.
-Oooooh!
-I'm not sick.
I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
SHANNON COFFEY (OFFSCREEN): Oh, you know what happens on
that chair?
Beth's butt gets on that chair.
And I sniffed it.
And let me tell you, that butt smelled good.
-Just like when someone plays say, say like a sexual
offender on Law & Order, they don't go like, well this is
what I've always wanted to do.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
SHANNON COFFEY: Crazy stuff, huh?
I remember it all like I wasn't even here.
Because I wasn't.
OK.
Now, I have something really important to talk about now.
Did you guys know that Sunday is Father's Day?
That's right.
A whole day, 24 hours dedicated to
dads around the world.
And this holiday is really special to me, because I have
a father myself.
Yeah.
I've had a dad my entire life.
So I feel like, you know, I have a pretty unique
perspective on this holiday.
I love hanging out on Father's Day with fathers and thinking
about fathers.
But sometimes I kind of feel bad, because, well, my cat
Katchoo, he has a father too.
But he's never met him before, because he's adopted.
If you know how we can locate his cat dad,
please, let me know.
All right, enough talking about cat dads.
We thought it would be fun for this Father's Day to show
everyone how to not be a father, with a special two
pack of Daddy Knows Best.
Enjoy the carnage.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Oh, no, no, no Steve.
What are you doing?
-I can't tonight, babe.
I really, really can't.
My stomach is killing me.
-You do this every time that my boss invites us over for
dinner.
-I'm not just saying it this time, OK.
I am in excruciating pain.
[GROWLING NOISES]
Oh, I'm having another contraction!
[FARTING]
Oh god!
[SNIFF]
Oh, it's a warning shot.
-You good?
You done?
-Yeah.
-Great.
Get dressed.
-Nooo.
Damn it!
-[CHORTLE]
So I say, get your damn hands off my stapler!
[LAUGHTER]
-[GROWLING]
Um--
-My god.
-Uh, can I use your restroom, please?
-Sure.
It's, it's down the hall to the right.
-Thank you.
[MOANING]
-Oh man.
I mean, every time.
-It's funny.
-I mean, It was my stapler.
-[GASPING, MOANING]
[FARTING]
[GASPING]
[MOANING, MUTTERING]
Oh.
[FARTING]
Oh.
[DEEP RUMBLING GROWL]
Oh god.
[FARTING]
Oh, ahh, ooh.
[SPLATTING SOUND]
Um, oh no.
[FLUSH]
(QUIETLY) Oh, what have you done?
Oh.
Oh my, oh my.
Eww, that's atrocious.
Oh.
[GAGGING GASP]
Ahh!
Be gone.
Ahh.
-Is it stealant?
-[LAUGHS]
I don't know.
-That's good.
-Some--
-[DA-DEE-DA-DEE-DA-DUM]
Hey!
-He's back.
-Oh.
-Hi!
-Wow.
What have you been doing back there, buddy?
-Oh!
Just looking through your stuff.
[LAUGHTER]
-[HA HA].
-Are you feeling OK?
-Never better.
Never better.
-Good.
-This is going to be good.
-Look who's got their appetite back?
-Do I detect mocha in this brownie?
-Yes there is.
You have a very sophisticated palate, sir.
-That's right.
That's right.
-[CHUCKLES]
[DOG WHIMPER]
-What's, what's he got in his mouth?
BOSS (OFFSCREEN): Oh.
Ooh.
BOSS'S WIFE (OFFSCREEN): What is that?
-What the hell?
Wait a minute.
I this?
--Mmm.
-This better not be what i-- oh, my god.
[MURMURS OF SURPRISE]
-Ahem.
[T'CH]
-Do you, do you add mocha to the--
just the batter or you?
Is it like a prepackaged--
-Steve.
Do you know anything a, abo, about this, here?
-No.
I, no, I don't.
I just, I assumed it was just a strange dog toy.
Crazy, 'cause it says Steve on the label.
-That's, ah, that's an unfortunate coinkydink.
-You know what?
Stop bullshitting and just tell us that these are your
shit-filled underwears.
Just tell us.
-They're not my underwear, Bob.
I don't know what to tell you.
I'm wearing the underwear that I came in here with tonight.
-I call bullshit.
Show us your underwear, right now.
Take them out.
Let's see them.
-I, Bob, this is not an inquisition.
I won't be subjected to this.
This is crazy talk.
-Take your god damn pants off.
-Just take them off, already.
Just show them.
-OK.
All right.
-Honey--
-This is what you wanted, Bob?
Huh?
This is what you wanted, so you remember.
BOSS (OFFSCREEN): Yeah.
And there you go.
-Oh my God--
-Look at that.
-Heh-heh, those are mine.
Those are my underwear.

-And that's why daddy doesn't go to Tijuana anymore, because
VD is a real thing, buddy.
You have no idea how much penicillin I had to take to
get rid of that.
You taking this all in or?

Hey, buddy?

Whoa-oa.
Hey!
Oh!
Oh, thank you.
Buddy?
You can't run off like that, huh?
Gosh.
Oh, thank you so much.
He's, ah, I'll just--
-No.
Yah, no.
I would like to speak to his mother.
-Well, that can't happen.
-You are a piece of shit father.
And I'm not about to let you take this child anywhere.
-OK, all right, listen to me.
Listen to me!
I may not be Medea--
-What?
-But to err is to be human.
You, you know that.
Look, Will Smith said that at the end of Hitch.
-Will Smith?
Really?
It, you saying that because he was black or something?
You a moron.
Call your wife.
-(WHISPERING) I can't call my wife.
I can't.
-Why?
-I'm on thin ice as it is.
If I call my wife, she's going to leave me.
And then this kids going to grow up in a broken home.
We can't have that.
We cannot.
You know what it's like.
-I!
-Oh.
-Oh, I should know?
I should know about a broken fam--!
Call your wife.
-No, I can't.
I'm not going to call my wife, all right.
I'm not going to call my wife.
And I'm not negotiating with a stranger for my own son!
I own him--
-You own him?
-I'm taking him with me.
Yes.
-Oh, yeah, white folks.
Well you all think you all own everything!
You can't own a kid.
-I made him.
He came from me.
I'm going to--
-Call your wife.
No, no, you not going to take him nowhere.
-What?
-No.
[BUZZ]
-What?
-Huh?
[BUZZ]
-You want?
OK, listen you're strapped--
-Yes.
-Obviously.
-I will tase the taste out your mouth, son.
-You win.
-I know I win!
-I'll call my wife.
Checkmate.
-That's right.
Checkmate.
Queen me.
All that shit.
-Queening is checkers.
[BUZZ]
-Can I have him back now?
-Ahh, I had to leave work.
What's going on?
-Oh.
Great.
This lady--
-What?
-Won't let me have our son back.
-Oh, so this is my fault?
-What?
-This is my fault?
A, your dipshit husband left your child in the park.
-What?
Steve, are you serious?
-Yeah.
That's--
-Yes!
-Only 80% accurate.
-Hey, hey, between me and you, you could do a lot better than
him.
-OK, I don't need you running my family.
-What?
-I got this.
-We don't need you running our family.
-Wait a minute, hold up.
I'm just trying to help you out.
You know, obviously, you like putting up with this bullshit.
Y'all dumbasses--
-She does.
-Deserve each other.
-We do.
-What did you just say?
-Whoa, whoa, whoa--
-I said, I said that y'all deserve each other!
-Ladies, ladies, ladies, please.
Violence is not the answer.
-Steve?
-Yes.
-Get your hand off my boob.
-Dude!
Are you serious?
-Let's respect boundaries.
-Dude, seriously?
You've got a boner?
Really?
-Eww.
He's all yours.
[BUZZ]
-[SCREAMS]
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh crap, that's it.
We are officially out of time.
So thank you for watching.
And thanks to MyDamnChannel LIVE for letting me guest host
and snack on all those cute little pretzel crumbs I found
under your couch.
Yum, those were good.
If you know where I could buy those, let me know.
Beth will be back in New York next week.
Daily Grace is still on Mondays in June.
Chris Crocker will be here on Tuesday.
Kurt Braunohler's the special guest the next Wednesday.
And be sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of this.
Because you don't want to miss this.
I'm going to keep living my life, after I leave here.
You know, being myself, Shannon Coffey.
If you want to see me again, you can.
Just check out my vlog Coffeychat.
Right now, it's officially my vlog.
But me and my cat, we're kind of battling it out to see like
who's going to be the king of the show, you
know, the real star.
So tune in to find out who is going to die first.
Thanks and bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]