"Buddies" Episode 1 (Part 1)


Uploaded by ShotgunSandwichENT on 17.10.2012

Transcript:
[pause]
[distant sirens]
[cat meowing]
>> OLD LADY: How are you this evening, young man?
>> RAY: Oh, ah, I'm good.
>> OLD LADY: You know, there might not be anyone home.
>> RAY: Oh, he's home. I just text him.
>> OLD LADY: You did what to him?
>> RAY: I sent him a text message.
>> OLD LADY: I still don't know what that means.
>> RAY: It's fine. You have a good night.
>> OLD LADY: I'm trying to remember who lives there.
>> RAY: It's just a friend.
>> OLD LADY: My memory is so bad these days.
[Ray sighs]
>> OLD LADY: The medication helps a little bit. Wait. Something's coming... Oh...
>> DEALER: >> RAY, what are you doing here?
>> RAY: I'm here to pick up the stuff. I text you, remember?
>> DEALER: Dog, I haven't checked my phone in hours
. >> RAY: No. You text me back like ten minutes
ago.
>> DEALER: Really? You sure about that?
>> RAY: You want me to show you?
>> DEALER: Oh, come on, bro, there's no need for us to fight.
>> RAY: I'm not fighting.
>> DEALER: So what did you need?
>> RAY: Just a quarter.
>> DEALER: Gotcha. Be right back.
[Police in the distance, pulling someone over]
[pause]
>> RAY: Jesus, come on dude!
>> DEALER: Here ya' go.
[pause]
>> DEALER: You take care, man.
>> RAY: There's like cops everywhere, dude. Doesn't that worry you?
>> DEALER: ...Sometimes.
[multiple police approach]
>> RAY: Oh shit!
>> POLICE: FREEZE POLICE!
[pause]
>> POLICE: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND!
[pause]
>> POLICE: COME OUT OF THE APARTMENT WITH YOUR HANDS RAISED! SURRENDER YOURSELF! GIVE
YOURSELF UP, POTHEAD!
>> DEALER: COME ON, YOU SOCIAL SUPPRESSING, MARXIST BASTARDS!
>> POLICE: LOWER THE FIREARM! PUT THE GUN DOWN! DROP THE WEAPON, ASSHOLE!
[pause]
>> POLICE: GET HIM!
[barrage of gun fire, Dealer screams in agony]
>> POLICE: We got him, boys... Christ that's a lot of blood for one guy... Don't worry,
the dogs will lick it up.
[pause]
[theme music begins]
[pause]
[music plays from car]
[Ray coughs]
[pause]
[Ray sighs]
[pause]
>> RAY: God I hate this guy.
[front door squeaks open]
>> RAY: One large Ultimate with four sides of ranch. That'll be ten dollars and eighty-eight
cents, sir.
>> CUSTOMER: Mmmm. Here you go. Just keep the change.
>> RAY: No, it's fine.
>> CUSTOMER: Really, I don't need it.
>> RAY: I don't want to. It's your money.
>> CUSTOMER: It's a tip.
>> RAY: No it's not.
>> CUSTOMER: Excuse me?
>> RAY: I just drove almost ten miles to bring you your food. Twelve cents really isn't going
to make any difference.
>> CUSTOMER: Is that right?
>> RAY: I'm just saying, if you can't afford to tip then maybe you shouldn't be ordering
out, sir. You could use the extra savings towards a treadmill or something.
>> CUSTOMER: A treadmill?
>> RAY: Or a gym membership, or liposuction, I don't know.
[change falls]
>> CUSTOMER: How's that for a tip, you ungrateful shit?
[distant dogs bark, Ray moans]
[pause]
[Customer whistles]
>> RAY: HEY, DOUCHEBAG!
>> PIZZA BOSS: You so fucking fired!
>> RAY: But he struck me first!
>> PIZZA BOSS: I know care. You lucky he no press charge.
>> RAY: How am I ever going to get ahead in life if no one tips.
>> PIZZA BOSS: I no know.
>> RAY: I mean if fat people won't tip, it's hopeless.
[Pizza Boss chuckles]
>> PIZZA BOSS: If fat people no tip it's hopeless... You know, people like you... why people like
me, bombed Pearl Harbor.
>> RAY: That's fucked up.
>> PIZZA BOSS: Very fucked up. Get out!
[pause]
>> RAY: Really?
[porn music and moans are heard off-screen]
>> LANDLORD: I'm sorry bud. But I'm gonna' need you out by morning.
>> RAY: Dude, your naked.
>> LANDLORD: Yes I am. I was just giving it to the >> OLD LADY. Heard you pull up, so
I pulled out.
>> RAY: Oh my God!
>> LANDLORD: What's the big deal, we're both men. You're not, like, homosexual or anything
like that are ya'?
>> RAY: No.
>> LANDLORD: Well, that's good. Yep, I got a nice lesbian couple moving in this weekend.
Wanted to set up some cameras and what not.
>> RAY: Cameras?
>> LANDLORD: Oh, oh, ah, security cameras, not like web cam cameras.
>> RAY: Okay...
[news plays on TV]
>> NEWS: Coming up, sixteen killed in a national pie eating contest.
[calming music plays from TV]
>> CHAD WIEN: Hi, I'm Chad Wien. And I want to share something very special with you.
Hmmm. The Wien Hair Care System. With a special secret ingredient. That will give you silky
smooth hair. That the men will just love.
>> ANNOUNCER: Try the Wien Hare Care System now! Call 1-800-9WIENER and take advantage
of the special secret ingredient! Call now!
>> RAY: Ew.
[pause]
>> RAY: Great.
>> LANDLORD: Hey, you got some mail!
[pause]
>> LANDLORD: Welp, good luck. I'd offer you a beer, but that doesn't seem right being
you never paid your rent on time. It'd be like rewarding bad behavior, you know?
>> RAY: It's fine.
[music plays from car]
[lighter is heard flicking]
[pause]
>> RAY: That's the last of it.
[pause]
[Ray sighs]
[pause]
>> RAY: What is that?
[pause]
[mail is opened]
>> RAY: My Grandma died... And I was in her will... Holy shit. I just inherited one thousand
dollars.
[pause]
>> RAY: YES!!!