French Perfidy - Return Tickets from the Death Camps

Uploaded by PLLevinson on 21.11.2010

...highest rank among the unpaid comedians, so its gonna be a good show tonight...
OK, we had a big week...
..a lot happening
Anybody arrive this week?
Anyway, there was a big fog out at the airport..
You guys saw this? six hours
What happened was our third world airport didn't function
So we had our first world negotiator came in, Ofer Ainie and he
negotiated with the fog and six hours later we had all these planes back going
So OK, he's a first world type
He called Barak, (they're both in the Labor party)
an אהבל ("ahval")
which in a general translation is a "jerk"
So the question is,"Is Ehud Barak really a jerk?
So if you were a minister and you had an illegal foreign worker...
Or if you headed the workers' party and you lived in the most expensive building in Israel...
Or if you got in trouble with amutot with your daughters
Or your second wife got into legal scandals...
This might be what a jerk is all about
Or even more importantly he got into a tif with his chief of staff
over this document...Anybody know Gabi Ashkenazi?
So Gabi Ashkenazi is getting ready to go into politics also..
So his concern is "How is he going to do the most damage to Ehud Barak"
So they show him (Ashkenazi) in Mahane Yehuda
Going from booth to booth finding out where can he buy a forged document for a shekel
This is a guy who really knows what's going on
And he is going to join politics and he expects that everything is going to go well
As he has had a long experience of judicial commissions and inquiries asking him where he is going..
This week was a big week in the Chabad world
These are the 3,000 emissaries
who gathered in Brooklyn
What's notable is this guy is asking for a return trip back to Senegal
(But he'll take Nambia)
The guy over here, he's on a little stool, because he's from Turkey
And, of course, each one of these guys has asked the photographer if he's laid tfillin today
And the Israeli walking by say, "Yo,
3,000 shlichim and not a single slice of pizza."
Actually, as David said, Pamela Anderson was here
and she went to the kotel and
the question was why she went, and it wasn't the quick photo op,
It was to get away from the groping Israeli guys
That was the only spot where she found a little bit of peace and quiet.
And this week in the news was Yigal Amir
..The assasinator of Rabin
So he's getting a cellmate
He violated some terms, so he was alone
He goes up on the prison newsletter
And he writes he wants someone who is quiet
Someone who is observant, shomer mitzvot (obeys the commandments)
Except for one mitzva (good deed)
And of course he says, I don't want to sit with any of those criminals, like Peres or Beilin
He wants a real cellmate
We had a big event in the fire at the Migdal Shalom (Shalom Tower)
On the 23rd story there was a fire and the internal generator didn't work
And the Israeli Fire Department can't reach the 23rd floor
So the building starts getting consumed.
I don't know if you know the history of the building,
The building was on the site of the Herzliya Gymnasium, which was a lovely building
So everyone was hoping this monstrosity would burn to the ground
So we could say "Shalom Migdal", but it didn't happen
And Bibi came back this week with his terms of "Shotef plus tishim" (current plus 90)
90 days of no building
He says: "I hope with this we put our long standing disagreements with the Americans behind us"
How's he gonna get this through, he's going to get a bunch of F-35 stealth aircraft.
And promise a ride to every little (settler) kid and their brother to allow him to get through
And of course Obama is
the usual: "How could he build a thousand apts...
...I needed 2,000, that way no one would remember my electoral disaster
One of the news items this week was
this usual French perfidy
...their trying to get this contract in California
to build these trains
So one of the terms that the California legislators said was
that they had to fess up to their compliance in the Shoah
in bringing the Jews to the death camps
So how did they make amends?
They promised a return ticket to anyone in the death camp who couldn't make their way back
And their even going to give the return tickets to their children
...the usual French response
This week in Paris they admit to this big bedbug problem
No big deal, 500 years without taking a shower and now the problem has come back to bite them in the butt
Actually, the funny news was (we have a Brit in the audience [Ian Taylor])
The Brits and the French signed a mutual defense pact for 50 years
I don't know about you, but I would be very embarassed to sign a defense pact with the French
You guys know anything about the French army?
How many gears in a French tank? one forward, five reverse
How many men does it take to defend Paris? They don't know, it's never been done.
You ever go up on e-bay? French rifles (for sale), never been used, only dropped once.
or why is the Champs-Elysses tree-lined? So the Germans can march in the shade.
They used Exocet missles (against you) in the Falklands War
They (the Brits) fought the French four times in World War II
No (self-)respect
The Brits do have a cause to be happy, you know, because
Their going to have a wedding, yes indeed
William Wales Tudor....whatever his name is
is marrying Kate Middleton
Everyone is happy about this
I hope you're going to go to the wedding, you're paying for it.
Is this going to work? Nobody really knows
She's smart and attractive and hard working,
None of the qualities of the British royal family
Of course the wedding set for Aug 3 of next year, no date yet on the divorce.
The best observation was that England hasn't been this happy about a queen since Ricky Martin came along.
It was a big step up for her, she was a peasant with benefits and now she's in line for the throne.
Anyway, we wish them well
In America now, they refuse to do profiling, so they
get increasingly invasive
as you board the plane
They used to go through your underwear when it was in your luggage, no they go through it when its on you
And then they charge you a $15 enjoyment fee.
People are worried their pictures are going to show up on the internet,
but without pictures like that, there is no internet
It's really bad news
There was this "hero" in San Diego, he refused to get patted down
It's not a big deal with me
I only get a little worried when the guy says: "OK, now you do me"
A little weird, but you know, you get through it
Getting on plane, I have more fun than I did in High School
Whatever, it's not for everybody
At JFK, they started giving out innoculations
You saee the way they manage their airplanes, you certainly want them in charge of something else
Former General Stanley McCrystal joined the
Board of Jet Blue. This is
a guy who was looking for Bin Laden for 10 years
aand he couldn't find him. This is
the guy you want looking for your luggage?
This is a big week in America. Thanksgiving this week
So the day before Thanksgiving all these travellers are going to do this "Opt Out"
where their not going to get the pat down
because they feel embarassed and uncomfortable
But isn't this what Thanksgiving is about?
Spending a day with your relatives so you could be embarrased and uncomfortable
And in America, they're expecting 42 million people to drive to Thanksgiving
and by the time they get there 30 million are not going to be talking to each other...
Anyway, Obama was doing a lot of flying lately
He was on Air Force One Term
He flies first into India
because that's where the jobs are
and then he flies into China because that's where all the money is
and then he goes to Indonesia
South Korea and Japan, looking
for his birth certificate
and he just couldn't find it anywhere
And he's in India two days, of course, and
they accuse him of being a Hindu
And he had to cut it short
because for the second time the Democrats go up in flames
His plane was encompassed by ash
Anyway, his trip was basically a disaster
So bad that the Kenyan's said, "You know what, you can have his birth certificate."
For him, it wasn't so bad, he negotiates this big
deal with India, he get's them on the Security council and he
got his $15 VISA late fee cancelled
He's trying to get everybody to forget the disasterous election
Where the voters said: "To hell with hope, we just want change."
The Democrats spent a year getting out the vote
And the voters said: "Yeah, and now you get out."
How can you tell its winter, because the Democrats are in hibernation.
And this week, Nancy Pelosi, she's going to be the new..the old..
speaker of the house and of course who better
to lead a minority party than someone who made them the minority party.
She had a party to celebrate this
where she was registered at Bed, Bath and Don't Blame Me
She was smiling from ear to ear and for her that's no mean feat.
what with her pulled back ears...
Obama and Bush both wrote books
This is suh a topsy turvy world
Obama wrote a picture book and Bush wrote a 500-page memoir
It just doesn't work because here Obama.....
Books for kids are supposed to have morals,right
and Obama is not good on this, being the preachy type
A good kid book with morals is Green Eggs and Ham
What is the moral of that book?
That you can eat spoiled meat
Bush, of course, he's just out in his own world
He goes on this interview and says: "Yeah, when I was young and drunk I did some stupid things"
I mean how many of us haven't had a few drinks and invaded Iraq
This is normal behavior?
He's happy that he's out of Washington and that's certainly unanimous
He's happy that "he doesn't have to think all the time"...This was thinking all the time?
Who is he kidding here?
But I must say that the book was certainly better than the presidency
If you get a chance you should give it a read
Kids today they just don't like to read
Recently in Detroit this guy goes into an adult
bookstore and he buys himself
a lottery ticket and he wins himself $128 million
in Powerball
Doesn't that show you it pays to read? You and your fancy
internet, you know,go and read
And of course in America Daylight Savings Time just went off
so they added another hour to 2010, like this was such a good year we needed another hour
And of dourse, "Day light Savings", Who needs it? But in America today,
Daylight is about the only savings that people have.
...In Saudi Arabia they banned facebook, because they had a "Rate the Ankle" online
In America they have this rapper whose name is Li'l Wayne
He was busted on some charges, I don't know...concealed weapon
So he gets out of
prison, so who
greets him, but Medium Wayne, Large Wayne and (Morbidly) Obese Wayne
At the University of Chicago
came up with a study that shows that
sleeping actually helps you lose weight
This is just candy for guys
They just park themselves on the couch. "Yo, I'm not sitting on the couch, I'm dieting"