Massholes Episode 1: This is Ahhhh Time


Uploaded by LOUD on 27.09.2012

Transcript:
MALE SPEAKER: You catch the Sox game last night?
MALE SPEAKER: You catch the Sox game last night?
MALE SPEAKER: Yo, kid, you check that
Sox game last night?
MALE SPEAKER: You see Pedroia go yard last night?
MALE SPEAKER: Dude, [BLEEP]
Ortiz?
Did you see three for four with a [BLEEP]
dinger?
MALE SPEAKER: [BLEEP]
Jeter.
The Yankees are gonna suck this year.
MALE SPEAKER: Yankees [BLEEP]
suck.

[PHONE RINGING]
PADDY: So this is it, Jim.
At [BLEEP]
long last year, here we are.
Today, we become official [BLEEP]
celebrities.
JIMMY: Yep.
Matt and Ben mania all over again.
PADDY: Paddy and Jimmy mania.
JIMMY: Paddy and Jimmy--
PADDY: [BLEEP], yeah.
JIMMY: Wait, wait.
No.
I don't think it should be [INAUDIBLE]--
BRENT: Jimmy, Jimmy, stop.
JIMMY: I don't think it should be Paddy and Jimmy, man.
I think it should be Jimmy and Paddy.
BRENT: Jimmy!
JIMMY: Because I'm more like Matt--
BRENT: Ahhhh!
JIMMY: --and he's like Ben, so like Jimmy and Paddy mania.
BRENT: Jimmy, Jimmy, stop looking right
into the lens, man.
PADDY: Well, man, it's [BLEEP]
hard.
You got the camera right there, and you're telling us
to be [BLEEP]
reality or whatever?
BRENT: I know, but you said--
JIMMY: Yeah, I'm real right now.
BRENT: --Brent.
You said Brent.
JIMMY: I would never say this.
PADDY: [BLEEP]
half retarded.
When I never--
BRENT: It's not half retarded.
It's not half retarded, you guys.
It's just-- you know what?
[CHUCKLING]
Ooo!
PADDY: So about a month ago, Jimmy and I made a video
called "Shit Massholes Say."
JIMMY: Shit went viral overnight--
instant celebs like you read about.
PADDY: Birds were jacking us like we were DiCaprio in "The
Departed" or some shit.
It was crazy.
Anyway, so this guy Brent decides he's gonna fly us out
and make some sort of reality show [BLEEP]
documentary about us blowin' up.
It's [BLEEP]
dope.
JIMMY: And today, my boy Kenny from "Footloose." he's coming
over here, gonna take us to his agent, and we're gonna be
instant celebrities overnight.
PADDY: This is our time.
They know talent when they see it.
JIMMY: Big time talent indeed.
BRENT: Talent?
Let me tell you something about talent.
What do those reality stars have in common?
Kim Kardashian, Snookie, Pauly D, Jessica Simpson--
they're all [BLEEP]
idiots.
So, yeah, talent-- yeah, I'd say I work with talent.
Let's fix this real quick because the
leather's looking good.
PADDY: I like your bandana.
JIMMY: I look good.
Yeah, you're right.
BRENT: Thanks.
BRENT: No, I--
PADDY: You look nice.
[CHUCKLING]
BRENT: The bandana serves a purpose.
PADDY: Look at him.
BRENT: You just don't get it.
You're not from California.
Kevin, goddamn it, are you filming me again?
PADDY: [LAUGHING]
BRENT: Please don't.
PADDY: Look at him.
JIMMY: Yeah, get our stuff.
Get our stuff.
PADDY: Keep filming him.
He's [BLEEP]
funny.
No, no, you come back to us.
He's gonna get all upset.
I'll bet you're a Laker fan.
JIMMY: [INAUDIBLE].
PADDY: Are you a Laker fan? 'Cause if you're a Laker fan,
you're like a rapist fan.
BRENT: No.
PADDY: Are you a rape--
you're a rapist, aren't you?
BRENT: No--
I don't--
PADDY: Look at him, he's all upset.
BRENT: Kevin.
I'm not getting upset, it's just you said that you're a--
[LAUGHTER]
MALE SPEAKER: [BLEEP].
BRENT: You're saying I rape boys.
JIMMY: He is a rapist.
OK, Brent, let's do this.
What do you want me to say?
BRENT: I didn't rape anybody.
PADDY: What do you want us to say?
JIMMY: Where do you want me to look?
You know?
BRENT: Look over there.
PADDY: Ooo, look at the broad, she's a [BLEEP]
smoke show.
JIMMY: You gotta be shitting me.
MAGGIE: I just thought maybe I'd come by, say hello,
introduce myself.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Look, ma'am, unless you have an
appointment, there's nothing we can do.
MAGGIE: Nothing you can do.
I understand.
Maybe you could give my resume to his assistant?
JIMMY: Oh, what the [BLEEP]
are you doing here?
You gonna rain on our parade everywhere we go?
MAGGIE: I don't know who this is.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Look, I'm going to have to ask you and
your friend to leave.
JIMMY: Friends?
Whoa, we're not friends.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Take the cameras with you.
JIMMY: We're not friends.
This girl's a thief.
MAGGIE: Can you not make a scene, please?
JIMMY: Beat it.
You don't even sound like you're from Boston, you phony.
And by the way, it's blinker, not directional.
MAGGIE: [INAUDIBLE].
PADDY: So there's the deal.
A couple days after we put out our video, some
broad put out a video.
It's called "Shit Boston Girls Say." Jimmy got all [BLEEP]
flustered-- the thought that some girl was stealing our
video-- whatever-- whatever.
I didn't think she was stealing our video, I just
thought she was hotter than Tom Brady in
the two-minute drill.
MAGGIE: Listen to me, you [BLEEP]
mess, I'm from the South Shore.
People say directional every now and again.
And another thing, our men don't sing "Sweet Caroline"
like a couple of [BLEEP]
Nancys at boys' night karaoke.
JIMMY: Clearly, you haven't been to Fenway getting
hammered, getting your Neil Diamond on.
MAGGIE: One, I didn't copy their video.
Please.
Two, I think the Italian kid's retarded.
And three, the ginger's kind of cute.
I might let him hit it.
JIMMY: Well, there's my agent.
How you like me now?
See you later.
KENNY: What's up, dude?
What are you doing?
I try to set you up nice with a meeting, and you come
looking like Danny Zuko or [BLEEP]
the Fonz or some shit.
JIMMY: I was shooting for James Dean.
KENNY: Oh, you missed, didn't you?
And you, come here.
What are you doing?
PADDY: What's up?
KENNY: You got your [BLEEP]
jersey tucked in your pants.
What, you'd watch every "Funky Bunch" video?
PADDY: Yeah, I look like Marky Mark.
KENNY: You don't.
It's a bad thing.
Anyway, [BLEEP]
meet your new agent, Jeremy Goldstein.
PADDY: Hey, brother.
KENNY: Say hi.
Say hi to Jeremy Goldstein.
PADDY: When we meeting Ben Affleck?
I wanna meet him.
KENNY: These are the guys.
JIMMY: How you doing, kid?
KENNY: So, technically, Jeremy here isn't
really an agent yet.
I didn't have the heart to tell my friends that,
obviously, my agent isn't gonna take a [BLEEP]
meeting with them, but what are you, like a junior agent
assistant or some shit?
JEREMY: Today's my third day in the mail room.
KENNY: Are you shitting me?
Fuck it.
PADDY: [BLEEP]
meet Mark Wahlberg and Donnie Wahlberg.
MAGGIE: I was an extra in "The Town" and "The Departed." And
actually, my sister gave Casey Affleck a hummer in "Good Will
Hunting," so I have her down as a reference.
MALE SPEAKER: Security.
PADDY: Hold on there.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, you guys gotta get
outta here, all right?
Turn those cameras off, guys.
PADDY: OK, take it easy.
MALE SPEAKER: Come with me.
PADDY: OK, you don't want to touch her.
You don't want to touch her!
BRENT: Clearly, I underestimated the talent I'm
dealing with.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
KENNY: [SIGHING]
You guys are.
[BLEEP]
And James Dean?
Really?
Everyone knows that's my thing.
JIMMY: Not anymore.
KENNY: Not anymore.
KENNY: Whose coat are you wearing?
JIMMY: Well, it is yours.
KENNY: Yeah, it's mine.
It's [BLEEP]
James Dean's coat.
Get out of my face.
MAGGIE: So you guys got room on your new couch or what?