How I Seize It #5: "Gay Marriage"

Hey! This here's Loretta Jenkins.
I know y'all done knowed me by now, and this is gonna be another section on How
I- (cars racing)
What the fuck is that? It sounded like-
It sounded like an ambulance was flyin' in the air or somethin'.
That was weird. I don't know what that was.
But hell, we don't live in a very good section of town.
Anyhows, today we gonna do a political controversial again
cause I know y'all liked that last one I done. And today, I'm gonna be talkin' about all
this shitstorm about gay marriages. There, I said it.
Well here's How I Seize It. I reckon that mens and womens
really should be the ones that ought to marry to each other.
You know, just cause if you think about it,
I ain't never seen no wedding dress made for no man,
and I ain't never seen no suit for no woman- Now I take that back.
Y'all know who I like to watch on television? Ellen Degenerate.
She is funny as hell. I watch her alot,
and she makes me laugh my ass off, and she wears kindly men clothes.
And you know, she's gay AND she's married. And...and they look alright on her.
I might even wear somethin' kinda like that- Not cause I'm gay or nothin'.
Now here's the thing. They is lots of things of reasons
that I'm confused about gay marriages, and I know it is for some of y'all, too.
Cause there's stuff like- See like-
You know what I don't understand? How is married gays gonna have youngins?
I mean cause like two men gays... Man ain't got no uterus.
You know, it ain't like you can shit out a baby.
Course, I think Chrystal shit out all them youngins of hers on a rock
and the sun hatched them. (laughs)
(coughs) And on the other hand,
all them girl gay lesbians... They ain't got no dicks.
It kinda confuses me... I mean some of y'all looks like you
got some dicks and that ain't really fair. I mean-
I reckon I can't really say much about les- I don't know all they is to know,
cause I ain't gay. Except for that-
There was one time when I couldn't tell, and it was dark in that alley.
But that's a whole other How I Seize It. Now listen y'all,
I mean this with all of my heart. I ain't prejudiced,
and I ain't got nothin'- nothin' at all against the queers.
Nothin' at all. I mean I got this-
My plumber, Brandy? Shit...
She comes over- She's-
She's a lesbian. She ain't never tried to Jew me down.
See? I ain't got nothin' against them,
but they's things I don't understand, so, I'm just gonna go back and forth
and see if y'all can't like see my viewpoint on it.
How do y'all lesbitches know when you finished done havin' sex?
What do y'all do in the bed? I mean, cause like-
It's easy for us to know, that just like regular people,
that just fucks in a dick and a pussy, cause the man's just like-
(Loud Orgasm) You can either hear it,
or it gets in your eye, or it runs down your leg...
We can tell! And you gay men...
I'm for real now. This ain't no joke.
I ain't kiddin'. I don't-
I know y'all does this cause y'all all purty- Just about 99% of all the gays
I ever seen is purtier than women. How does y'all clean y'all booty holes?
I know you do it. Is they some kinda like special brush,
or like a gay store where you can get a booty hole-
Like a wash rag or- I don't know.
Maybe there's some kind of apparatus I ain't never heard of from a queer store.
My ex, Carl... He asked me to do that one time.
You know... YOU know...
And shit- I was afraid-
(laughs) I said shit.
(laughs) I was afraid I was gonna, you know...
GO on him! And that'd ruined my reputation.
I don't want no green apple splatter on my sheets, or his, or-
I wasn't gonna do that, so I says, "Hell no!
Hell-To-The-No!" And he broke up with me-
(burp) And that's How I Seize It.