WELCOME BACK BETH! - 7/9/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: I, I've been, been kissed by the sun on my
shoulders on vacay.
You're welcome.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi, you guys.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, there.
Can you say hi?
Did you miss me?
Beth.
Beth, shake it off.
Shake it off.
OK, sorry, guys.
I've been with babies all week.
How do people who have babies not talk like
that all the time?
Or do they?
Is that--
is that's why it's so hard to be friends with people who
have young children?
Or, no.
Or is it because they always want to show you pictures of
their kids because they think their the cutest?
Speaking of-- oh my gosh, you guys.
Look at my niece.
Isn't she the cutest.
She's the cutest.
Also, I was with my nephews, too.
Here they are.
They're the cutest.
I'm a really good aunt, you guys.
I'm a really good aunt for like two hours.
I'm so fun and responsible.
Just kidding.
It's more like 20 minutes.
Enough about that.
What else happened?
You guys, it's been so long since I've seen your faces.
Oh, I went to VidCon, Francesca babysat, you guys.
Did you have a good time?
Did you have fun with Jessica Lee?
Beth, stop it.
OK, sorry.
Ouch.
Francesca is so fun, right, you guys?
Except I can't believe that she told you that I don't wear
a helmet when I ride a horse.
Especially considering how accident prone I am.
Oh, speaking of--
VidCon.
So this is me at VidCon.
Yeah.
That's, uh--
so that happened.
As you could maybe imagine after my red carpet concussion
incident, nobody believed me.
But that's real.
I sprained my ankle upon arrival.
Go me.
VidCon was awesome, though.
Were you there?
Who did you see?
What did you learn?
Leave me some comments.
Let's talk about it.
Uh, what else?
Did you have a good 4th of July?
Fireworks, hot dogs, the Old Navy t-shirt that you have
with the flag on it that you bought on sale and you're
like, I'll wear it today.
Did you do that?
My 4th of July was spent in an airplane, and then an airport.
And then on an airplane again.
But at the airport I did eat an expired turkey sandwich.
Anyways, we're back and we are packing heat.
Does that mean you have gas?
That's not what I meant.
What I mean is we have a brand new video to show you.
A premiere on a Monday.
We love you.
We want to give you a treat.
But don't blink, this is the fastest MyDamnChannel original
comedy premiere ever.
It is The Jon Friedman Internet Program.
And ready, set, go.

FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It's The Jon Friedman Internet
Program on your World Wide Web.
[DIAL UP INTERNET]
-Hello?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): It's the Jon Friedman Internet
Program on your World Wide Web.

BETH HOYT: You guys, I barely had time
to finish my margarita.
You know-- you know when you got to wean the vacation mode
out, just like--
but I did.
OK, the fun is just beginning because
guess what today marks?
According to internet calendars everywhere, today is
the first day of nude recreation week.
All right.
I'm definitely celebrating.
I've got nothing on my fingernails.
Nude.
About I bought a new shade of NARS lipstick--
nude.
And here's someone who's definitely partaking in nude
recreation week--
Gilbert Gottfried.
You know?
He gets it.
Gilbert gets it.
See?

-Hey, folks.
Gilbert Gottfried here.
So there's this gun range in Texas that is planning to host
birthday parties for children ages 8 and up.
The parties will feature a 30-minute class in gun safety.
Then the kids will get the chance to shot
a 22 caliber rifle.
Look, I get it, Texas.
You're not going to lead the nation in executions unless
you teach your kids how to kill people.
And what better way to blow out the candles on little
Bobby's birthday cake than with a blast from a shotgun.
I just hope they offer advanced classes for some of
the older parties, like firing a rifle from
a university tower.
But no surprise parties.
You never want to startle a Texan packing heat.

Meanwhile, there's this fancy urinal designed to look like a
guitar that plays different notes when you
pee across the strings.
Not only that, once you're done, it will upload your
"song" to a website so that you can stream it online.
Look, I get it.
Everyone loves to make music.
And this way you can strum the guitar and play with your
organ at the same time.
I'd love to try it out.
Though I have to admit, I have trouble playing the guitar
when someone else is playing next to me.
I actually went online and listened to other people's
piss music.
It wasn't great.
But it was all still better than the new Coldplay.
My early piss music was fantastic.
But I'll admit, lately I've been coming up with shit.
Finally, a designer in Colombia has made a polo shirt
that is not only stylish, but also bulletproof.
It costs between $3,000 and $9,000 depending on what kind
of weaponry you want it to protect you from.
So for you poor drug lords, I hope your enemies only carry
tiny handguns.
Look, I get it, you need to protect yourself from rival
cartels, but you also love Casual Fridays.
If these take off, maybe they'll make the whole leisure
suit bulletproof.
Honestly, it sounds like a great idea.
Especially if you prefer getting shot in
the arms and face.
I actually bought one of these shirts, I'm wearing it to my
nephew's birthday party this weekend in El Paso.
Do you guys know any stupid stuff I can sound off on?
Just send me your ideas on Twitter.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a full bladder and I'm
going to go play "Free Bird."
BETH HOYT: I--
I think the post-vacay rust is working itself out.
Kind of.
Do you feel it?
Oil can.
Oil can.
Remember that?
You know that?
You know?
Do you know?
The Tin Man.
We have to start all over again if you don't
know what that was.
Anyway, you know how Mondays are really hard
to get back to work?
You know, they're like really hard.
They're not for me.
But I have had jobs that made me understand that.
And now I want to play for you one of our favorite Workless
videos because this is how I feel today would be for me if
I worked in an office.
Also, I am trained in stage combat.
I'm really good.
We just have to rehearse the moves first.
So just that.
Here we go.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Workless.
-I spend the whole night drinking.
-Hey, Alex.
Do you mind turning the radio off.
I have a lot of work to do.
-Oh, yeah.
Right after this song.

-I'm serious, I have a ton of work to do.
Would you please turn it off?
-It's not even that loud, Jen.
I mean, it's just the one song.

-Please.

I'm serious.
-I'm serious.
-Turn it off.
-Make me.
-Just turn it--
Turn it off, Alex.
This is imma--
-OK.
All right.
-What are you doing?
Turn it off.
Bitch.
-I'm sorry.
Did you just call me a bitch?
-Yeah, I did, pussy.
-All right.
-You're in my house.
-What?
I turned it off.
You can't just sucker punch me.
What am I supposed to do?
-Fight like a man, bitch.
-All right.
OK.
You wanted it, you got it.
Let's see what you got.
I've been waiting for this.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-I dream about this.
I'll fucking destroy you.
-Come on, let's see what you got, loke.
All right, go to sleep.
-[INAUDIBLE].
[SCREAMING]
-Hey, what are you guys doing.
-She tried to turn off my radio.
-Alex is a prick.
-This is not how you settle things.
Now let's do this clean and fair.
Ultimate Fighting Rules--
no biting, no hitting below the belt,
and no office equipment.
Let's get it on.
-Come on, right here.
Right here.
Come on.
OK.
You don't touch my radio.
[SCREAMING]
-Ow.
Oh, you said no biting.
-OK, come on, now.
-It looks like Alex and Jen are finally
going to settle things.
-I got $20 on Jen.
-I will take that.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): Hit her in the face.
-Ah!
-Come on.
Come on.
-Hey, I said no office equipment.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-No.

-Yeah.
Yeah.
-Did she tap?
-Do it.
-I'm done.
I'm done.
-It's over.
It's over.
-Fuck you.
-Get this cleaned up.
-Who taps out after going off the top rope.
-That ho right there.
-Hey, good work here today.
Really good.
-Thanks.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Thank you.
Woo.

You don't touch my radio.
-OK.
-You don't touch my radio.
-OK.

-All right, you guys.
MyDamnChannel is doing fantastic, but we do need to
get a little bit edgier.
Does anybody have any ideas?
-Um, what if we rename the channel My [BLEEP]
Channel?
-Too edgy.
A little bit.

BETH HOYT: No bruises in this workplace.
Not here, except the ones I inflict upon myself.
I also just got a splinter.
I call it-- no, wait.
I call it a sliver.
Wait, what's the right one?
Splinter's right?
I call it a sliver that I get.
Anyway, I just got one in my hand just then.
I just beat myself up for you.
Hopefully there'll be no more bruises before tomorrow when
I'll see you again, same time, same place, different shirt.
On Wednesday we have a huge show.
Tons of new premieres.
Real exciting things.
I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.
Don't forget to subscribe.
You're my favorite.
Welcome back.
Knock them dead, kids.
Be careful, though.