Never Mind the Buzzcocks S23E07 + ENG & RUS SUBS

Welcome to the show. I'm Mark Watson, your host this week.
A little bit about me. I'm 30, not everyone knows this but I wear glasses,
erm, I'm an Aquarian and I'm white.
So...
On Phill's team tonight...
# Now you've gone... #
He's an intellectual singer-songwriter,
inspired by philosophers such as Baudrillard and Foucault.
Tonight, picking a man from a line-up, it's Daniel Merriweather.
# What have I done? #
And he's Britain's foremost undercover investigative journalist.
Here to blow open the shameful truth about the murky world of panel shows,
it's Donal MacIntyre.
And on Noel's team tonight.
# I'll never forget you... #
She's been described as the most charismatic front woman in Britain.
Clearly, someone's never seen Sue Barker.
From The Noisettes, it's Shingai Shoniwa!
He's a perfectionist who loves working with people who tell him he's not good enough.
Get ready for the best night of your life, Tim Minchin.
Those are our teams, let's quiz the hell out of them.
We begin with Sorry No Refunds. Phill, Daniel and Donal, have a look a this.
# I gotta take a chance tonight... #
Ah, I remember Leona Lewis on the X Factor.
She had such a sad back story.
As a child, she was tragically diagnosed as dull.
# Forgive me... #
That was Leona Lewis with the insipid chart filler, "Forgive Me".
But why did she storm out of a photoshoot in America in 2008?
Was it because, A, the director wanted her to wear a seahorse outfit,
B, a swarm of spiders overran the set
or C, a falcon stole her shoes?
Sounds like Noel's written these ones.
But one of them has to be true. Spiders or falcon or seahorse outfit?
I can't see what could be wrong with her...
She's halfway there with the lengthy face, to play the seahorse.
That's a bit hard.
OK, well, all right...
Oh, no, it's positively spherical.
You're right, Phill. It's like an orange ironing board.
That's coming from a man with a long face.
That's true, actually.All right. You don't need to agree with me.
I'm just trying...It's like a skateboard in a black wig.
She's going to look great in a seahorse outfit
but Simon Cowell ain't gonna let it happen, is he?
Daniel, have you ever done a shoot that you've thought, "I shouldn't do this."
Well, no seahorse. I've worn a banana outfit before.
Nothing too embarrassing, just a banana outfit.Yeah.
Were you doing the marathon? No, it was...
Because the marathon's the only time you can wear a banana suit and only be a bit of a twat.
No...It was a photoshoot? No, it was at a friend of mine, Mark Ronson's birthday party
and we all had to dress as our favourite album covers.
The Velvet Underground. Wore a banana suit.
Were you Bananas in Pyjamas?
Yeah, that would...
I...
I...
I had that banana suit sitting there for either occasion.
I thought it was very modest, the way you said, "A friend of mine, Mark Ronson."
Oh, it's not that Mark Ronson, it's another one.
He's a welder from Dagenham.
What did Ronson go as? A kiwi fruit? He had pigtails.
Are you sure this wasn't a dream?
Pigtails? Let's figure out who this could be.
Who was Mark Ronson that night? Asterix.
You're an investigative journalist, Donal, can you help?
I've never gone undercover as either a seahorse or, it has to be said, a banana.
Although, where am I gonna hide undercover as a banana?
Greengrocer's?
You'd have to get four of your mates, though, otherwise a single banana on its own...
well suspect.Might stand out, might stand out.
So we've got seahorse outfit or there's the spiders, still.
I think it's spiders.
I met her once and she does seem like...
Did you go up to her and do that? Yeah.
Did she put a glass over you and slide a postcard underneath?
I'm just telling you that when I met her, she kind of seemed like she was scared of spiders.
She see, that's it, he goes and he sees Leona Lewis
and he just gets the fact that she's got an arachnophobia vibe.
You would spend months dressed as a spider,
hiding in Leona Lewis's wardrobe.
So what are we going with? It's got to be spiders.Spiders.
It's the correct answer.
Yep, the singer fled when a swarm of spiders overran the set
on a cliff-top photoshoot in Malibu.
Leona said, "I hope nothing as terrifying as that ever happens again. So, where's the book signing?"
Interesting fact about Leona.
Nope.
And now, Noel, Shingai and Tim, have a look at this one.
# Now what use am I to anyone... #
I've got a little-known fact about piss-smelling, Kate Moss botherer Pete Doherty.
Turns out he's also a musician - well, sort of.
# Here comes a delivery
# Straight from my heart to you... #
That was Babyshambles with "Delivery".
Why did Pete Doherty storm off stage during a gig in Dundee last year?
Was it because, A, he thought he saw his old deputy headmaster in the crowd,
B, he got smacked in the face with a plimsoll...
It could be! Or, C, a fan gave him a wedgie?
So, it's some sort of retro school days misfortune but which one?
I do like Pete Doherty but what makes me laugh about him
is he manages to be skinny and flabby at the same time.
That's quite a talent, isn't it?
This video was actually shot in colour but that's the colour he is.
He sucks the colour out of life.
Except for his Ready Brek hat.
When he reached down for that cat in that tube station he seems to be living in,
I thought he was just gonna go...
Kreech! Like that, honestly.
I noticed in the video that he had a fax machine.Yeah, that's right.
You can't even walk, how are you gonna operate a fax?
Who are you faxing and for what reason?
You said something about a plimsoll. Sadly, plimsolls have recently come back into vogue,
so it would probably be an adult plimsoll.
Unless it was some kids coming home from school.
They got a plimsoll out their swimming bag... Or they threw their whole PE kit.
They went, "Ugh, that man's yellow."
I'd like to imagine that he didn't see it coming, turned round and swallowed it.
Maybe it was a kid who forgot his PE kit and had to throw his pants.
The kid went home. "Where's your plimsoll?" "Pete Doherty swallowed it."
And now poor Pete Doherty has a crippling plimsoll habit.
He's on three or four pairs a night.
Ah, poor Pete.You start on plimsolls and move onto clogs.
Yeah. It's a gateway shoe. It's a gateway shoe.
Then it's waders.Only they're cutting them with flip-flops.
He's found outside Groucho's with a whole galosh in his mouth.
I love the idea of wellies being cut with flip-flops.
You don't know what they're putting in it these days. "These wellies ain't that good."
They're a bit like moccasins.
Do you have shoes in Australia? Yeah, we've got the shoes, yeah.
I've seen a lot of flip-flops. We call them thongs.
Wait, wait, guys, it's a totally different culture.
You guys have flip-flops and we have thongs. It's ridiculous.
And when it's winter here, it's summer there. Unbelievable.
What do you call thongs if you call flip-flops thongs?
G-strings. And what do you call those?
Oh, it's a terrible regress, isn't it? Erm...
I think there is a slight difference between the thong and the G-string.
Erm...This is the BBC, still.
The idea of the thong is that it goes between...
A pair of toes or a pair of cheeks.
That thing.
It's a different culture.
I would like to give Pete Doherty a wedgie. I think he'd wear Y-fronts.
You went in between "Doherty" and "Dirty".
I was going to say...Do-er-ty.
Doherty.He's Irish.
I'm trying to be respectful but it's so hard, looking at his face.
I think he looks quite sweet, like a cat that's fallen in the Thames.
His ear...
We've been quite rude about Doherty but I saw his house and he hasn't got a telly.
It's a plasma, it's a plasma.
It's like Steptoe And Son's house.
What would be possible for an audience member to do? Team, is it the plimsoll?
We've gonna go with the rubber shoe. No, the answer was...
C, the wedgie!
While Doherty was crowd-surfing, an overenthusiastic fan gave him a wedgie.
The singer admits he then ran crying to hide in his tour bus.
The pants were pulled with such force that he was left with a condition known as smoking crack.
We don't have a plasma on our tour bus, not like Pete.
There's so many shows these days. You'll love it when you get a telly.
I've still got a pager. I don't even have a mobile phone.
Fax me!
Sorry.You're great.
You don't always laugh at the jokes but then a household appliance comes up and you're loving it.
Photocopier! Right.
Next up, is the hard-hitting intros round.
Phill and Daniel, here are yours for Donal.
The reason we've got Daniel and Donal is because the BBC wanted Daniel O'Donnell,
so we split the difference.
Now, Daniel, obviously, you're used to this, you're a musical performer.
Yeah.We've got a little bit about you from your website.
"Daniel has wolverine-like tenacity..."Apparently.
"..a sense of humour and a self-awareness and worldliness
"that belie his tender years."
So if you could bring some of that to your intros.
For the first one, wolverine-like tenacity would be brilliant.OK.
One, two, three, four.
Everybody!
I thought that was pretty good.That was very good.Any ideas, Donal?
I'll give you a clue. You know the military?
Imagine if just one person controlled it all.
Now, that eliminates all the songs you know.
I don't know it.I might offer it over. These people are hungry for it.
We know what it is. I'd like to pretend that I know what it is
but Noel knows what it is.Yes.
"Oliver's Army""Oliver's Army"? That was nothing like "Oliver's Army".
That was the first bit.
Introductions round. The bit before the singing.
It was "Oliver's Army" and here's how it should've sounded.
Donal, if you get this, you'll walk away with some respectability.
I arrived with no respectability, I hope to leave as I arrived.
You could leave with minus respectability. Let's see.
Ready?Yeah, I'm ready.
Are we getting tenacity, insight, self-awareness?Worldliness, worldliness beyond his years.
Three, four...
This is not Stomp.
I saw this band live and that was a better version than what they did.
I know this but I don't know it. So we pass another one then?Yeah.
Even parrots watching this show at home know what that is.
We know.We can see that from your Cheshire cat grin. What is it?
It's "Kinky Little Afro".
"Kinky Afro" by the Happy Mondays.
Well, you're half right. It's not. It's not?
What's the other one then? It was "Step On" by the Happy Mondays."Step On"!
Here's how it should've sounded.No!
If only you had a step on on your head.
To be fair, when I asked Shaun, he didn't know what it was called, either.
So that was Happy Mondays with "Step On".
Bez from the Happy Mondays recently appeared on Pimp My Ride,
where they kitted out his car with 15-inch alloys, a disco ball
and, of course, a top-of-the-range defibrillator.
We also heard Elvis Costello and the Attractions with "Oliver's Army".
Elvis Costello famously lives at 27 Clifford Gardens, New Malden...
Oh, hang out, that's your address, Donal.
If you're an underworld gangster, please try to forget that.
We'll edit it out cos we know you keep a door key under your mat.
Noel and Shingai, here are yours for Tim.
Thanks.Do you want them, yeah?
I was so pleased I read it right, I didn't bother giving them.
He forgot to do what he was saying. Shut up.
Noel and Shingai, here are yours for Tim.
First one. Ahem.Here we go.
Your face isn't like a skateboard, it's quite... Quite...
Tell that to the teenagers who ride it to their jobs.
It's familiar but if it's got a familiar feel to it, that's why it's popular.Yes...
Is this round better when people know stuff?
It's not really about the answers, it's about having fun and, by God, we are having fun.
OK, I'm going to have to ask you for an answer. No, no, God, I'm well gone.
Phill's team. It's "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard".Very good.
Here's how it sounds.
# Mama pyjama rolled out of bed... # Here we go.Ready?
Whoa! Here it comes!
Imagine that they are like synthy, you know, boys' toys
sort of instruments.
We're starting to cheat a bit but... Yeah, I was hearing that.
I thought it was analogue-y, yeah.
But that sounded good. Again, whoever wrote that, keep working.
Maybe try and act it out a bit or I don't know.
Make it look like the band in question, maybe?All right.
You've got that orange... Yeah, that's it, that's it.
Watch this, this is useful for you.
Like that?Yeah, that's it. That's it.
Now we're talking... Yeah.
Not bad.
Yeah, imagine there's people jumping about. It's a lively old gig, this one.
One of them just does that for the whole gig.Yeah.
That's a good clue. He's not in that band.
Oh!Sorry!
That's a good clue except he's in a different band, so ignore that.
This is somebody was in this band jumping up and down,
now has gone to jump up and down... That's the main guy, that's the clue.
But I'd need to know that guy to have that clue.
I feel we're not going to get this. Have you got any ideas over there?
It is the theme to Gardener's Question Time.
It's The Prodigy.It's The Prodigy but I can't remember the title.
Ah, yeah, he had some stuff on his head.
It was The Prodigy, "Take Me To The Hospital" and here it is.
Right, right.
They smell beautiful.
The Prodigy with "Take Me To The Hospital".
Both Liam Gallagher and The Prodigy's Liam Howlett are married to an Appleton sister.
The men go out to work and the women stay at home
and even feminists agree it should stay that way.
We also heard "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" by Paul Simon.
"Mrs Robinson" was not nominated for an Oscar because they forgot to fill out the forms.
As admin errors go, it's up there with the time Anthony Costa's application
slipped out of the pile marked "van driver"
and into the pile marked "actually in Blue".
Round three is the identity parade.
Phill, Daniel and Donal, how about a novelty '80s hit?
For the audience only, here is Goombay Dance Band.
# Seven tears are flowing to the river
# Seven tears are running to the sea
# If one day they reach some distant waters
# Then you'll know it's sent with love from me. #
That was Goombay Dance Band with their 1982 number one, "Seven Tears".
But which of our line-up is singer Oliver Bendt?
Is it number one, Goombay?
Number two, sick bay?
Number three, we found him on eBay.
Number four, two weeks in Torbay.
Or number five, two weeks in Guantanamo Bay?
Er, Phill's team?
They were five guys on the weekend of a lifetime.
"Weekend At Bernie's 5 - They're All Dead".
I'm looking for chapped lips
because, as I recall, the fella was a fire-breather.Good knowledge.
Number one can't breathe fire, otherwise that splendid moustache would've been burned many years ago,
like a Viking pyre.
I know who it is.Here we go.
Look at MacIntyre. Of course, he actually hid in the band for some years.
You say you know who it is with a lot of confidence
and yet there have been a number of scams, even within this episode, which you've kept quiet about.
For example, I'm apparently reading question cards
and yet these are really just pictures of horses.
Then again, Tim Minchin has done the show so far with a toy mouse in his mouth.
These have been quite minor offences, Donal,
but what I am amazed you haven't called foul play about
is that this team, for the whole show,
has had Chico feeding them answers.
I mean, this is unbelievable.
Donal, you are so crafty.
Don't ever ask me to do that again.
Suddenly, "It's Chico Time".
And a big thank you to Chico.
He's been down there since 2006.
Maybe you can redeem it yet. What do you think?Well, first of all, I know who it is.
Huh! OK!I know it's number three cos the bastard sold a story to the Mirror last week.
Right.It's number three.
Yes, it was about you, Jamelia and him, yeah.
Is there any footage of them back in the day?
The audience has seen footage. And I haven't seen it.
No, it's pretty unfair. How am I meant to guess who it is?
Insight beyond his years.
All right, all right. So I understand now.
It's that we haven't seen...Yes!
Right. And...
Hold off, no, no, no. He's not finished.There's more.
And so if we guess the answer, that means that we know
something that you guys already know, right?
OK. It's number three.
Let's find out. Will the real Oliver Bendt please step forward?
Still performing with the Goombay Dance Band, it's Oliver Bendt!
Noel, Shingai and Tim,
let's harden the vibe up a bit with some sort of garage rap thing.
For the audience only, here is 3rd Edge.
# Said babe I know You got the feeling
# In the bedroom with your coat off feeling
# Off your back
# Here I come now with my attack 10 out of 10 when it comes to the sack
# Front to back
# I'm loving you, baby I know that you feel it... #
That was 3rd Edge with their 2002 single "In and Out".
But which of our line-up is rapper JT?
Is it number one, 3rd Edge?
Number two, second best?
Number three, first lady?
Number four, sloppy seconds?
Or number five, sixth choice?
Erm, just to give you a clue, Jamie George, that's the rapper,
says that if you listen hard enough you can hear music running through his veins, so if you listen...
Any music throbbing through any people's veins?
Wrong vein.
Is he going to do it for each one of them?
Number has got that sort of rapper stare.
Like he's staring right through you.
The second guy's got a piano-key belt on...Yeah.
..which means something but I'm not sure what.
Probably that he's not a rapper. It's not really bling, is it?
And the third guy's got some proper joggers on,
like someone's gone, "Wear trainers," and he's gone, "I'll wear the ones I wear to netball."
That fifth guy sold me a Big Issue today.
The beauty of the round is that that could be true.
I think it's one or four. Yeah.Yeah.
One or four...Look at the hands in the pockets of four.
He's doing the same hands as one except one looks like a rapper
and four looks like a schoolboy.
And they all have those funny hats on, don't they? That doesn't help you, really.
Were they told to wear those? If they didn't, it's a massive coincidence.
What do you reckon?Tim?No-one.
No-one? None of them? It has to be someone, Tim.
One, it's number one. I listened to his veins.
Let's find out if they're right. Would the real JT step forward?
Yes, it is!
Now recording as a solo artist under the name Jamie George, ladies and gentlemen, Jamie George!
So we end with Next Lines.
Phill's team are in the lead, so you'll go first
and your time starts now.
"I keep bleeding..."
It's not, "I'm a haemophiliac." "I keep..."
# Keep bleeding... Keep... #
"Keep bleeding love," it was, by Leona Lewis.
Impossible to forget a Leona Lewis song but you managed it.
"We gotta fight, fight, fight, fight..."
"Fight for this love." "Fight For This Love", Cheryl Cole.
Miming. Er...
MANCHESTER ACCENT: "Slip inside the eye of your mind..."
"Don't you know what you might find?"
"You might find...""A better place to stay".Correct, Oasis,
"Don't Look Back In Anger".
"Every bond you break, every step you take...""I'll be watching you."
"Every game you play, every night you stay...""I'll be watching you." These get easier.
Still the Police.
"Karma Police"
# Karma police... #
"Arrest this man." # "Arrest this man." It's Radiohead.
# It is my favourite album. # Erm...
You know what, can we hear that verse again?
I'll mime it.
That's the end of it. That's all.
Which means, Noel's team, you need nine of these to win.
Against the odds but you could do it.
"I'm the fire starter." "Twisted fire starter."
From the song "Fire Starter".
"What's she drinking, rum or whisky?" "Why don't you have a double with me?"By The Noisettes.
"I come from a land down under." Tim?
That'll do.# Where women blah and men chunder. #Correct.
"Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear..."
Mark.No, it's Francis. Unlucky.
"I say don't you know..."
# "You say you don't know" # Yeah, that'll do. "Take Me Out", Franz Ferdinand.
SINGS: "March from Carmen" by Bizet
Correct.
And another one.
Oh, yeah.Keep going.OK.
SINGS: "Carmina Burana"
Yes, that'll do.
Oh, that's the end of the round!
And so at the end of the quiz, Noel's team has nine points, Phill's team also has nine points.
Thanks to Phill, Daniel and Donal, Noel, Shingai and Tim
and of course, undercover cheek Chico!
This was Never Mind The Buzzcocks, I've been Mark Watson.
Next week your host will be Martin Freeman. Goodnight.