Beth of the Week - 6/1/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 01.06.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Tennis is going to be on all day.
Just skip 10 minutes here.
10-- heads up.
[MUSIC PLAYING - THEME SONG]
BETH HOYT: Hi, friends, how are you today.
Are you so excited it's Friday?
I am.
I mean, I love--
OK, I love my job.
I'm not like excited it's the weekend.
I just am always excited on Fridays.
Ever since I was a kid, I-- because those TGIF ads, like
the cam-- that campaign really got me.
You know?
I didn't even like--
I didn't even really love Family
Matters or Step By Step.
That's a lie.
That's a lie.
I love Step By Step.
I miss watching shows when they're on.
You know, when you had like be home at 7:00
to watch your show.
Wait, you know what I just did there?
I-- honest to Sears, I didn't even realize I
was segueing to this.
This is a show you have to watch when it's on--
old school--
because if you don't watch it live, you have to wait till
the next day, and then you miss all of my topical
references, like the TGIF programming.
Nailed it.
Anyway, if you guys have missed any of the show this
week or your VHS didn't record, don't worry.
We got you.
Coming up on this episode of MyDamnChannel live, it's our
two video premieres of the week.
And right now, since our big show on Wednesday was insane
with three guests, we have a
super-sized-ish Beth of the week.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: The power's out.
Where's Tom Hanks?
GRACE: So you take one shot glass,
BETH HOYT: Mm-hmm, yeah.
GRACE: And then--
BETH HOYT: Just pour that right--
you just take it and then you just dump the bottle.
GRACE: That's for you!
BETH HOYT: Yup, that's just going in there like that.
GRACE: Whoa, there's your booze.
BETH HOYT: What do you guys think of my base coat?
Huh?
Winter white.
Ready to burn.
Ready to burn.
MALE SPEAKER: I Googled Guy Fieri hates.
And then it auto-completed eggs, gays, and Jews.
BETH HOYT: [GASP]
MALE SPEAKER: Those are the three things people like--
BETH HOYT: In that--?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, no, eggs first.
Like he definitely hates eggs more than gays or Jews.
BETH HOYT: Is that cold?
MALE SPEAKER 2: It feels great.
Just come in out of the heat and just have someone paint
your face when you talk about one of the best shows on TV.
BETH HOYT: That's what we do here.
MALE SPEAKER 2: True Blood.
BETH HOYT: It's just getting kind of hot, and I can't
breathe or think.
INGE: I feel so empty inside now that it's over.
This must be what it feels like to be a hooker.
Actually, swimnjin, I think that's the opposite of what it
feels like to be a hooker.
Usually, hookers are always full of things.
And then they're pretty happy when it's over.
BETH HOYT: Look at all this extra.
These'll make it pretty.
MALE SPEAKER: Oh cinnamon.
Yeah, that's great.
BETH HOYT: Let's do this.
MALE SPEAKER: Awww.
BETH HOYT: I feel like we have all this extra topping.
MALE SPEAKER: That's the perfect amount.
MALE SPEAKER 2: You can't wash this off until
Halloween, by the way.
BETH HOYT: OK.
OK.
MALE SPEAKER 2: You have to keep this on.
I-- that's in my contract for doing the show.
BETH HOYT: Memorial Day is the day we remember and give
memorial to red ginghams.
You know what?
We needed salts.
We need salts for the rim.
GRACE: Ohh, I'm an idiot.
Doesn't a margarita needs to have salt on the rim.
GRACE: A margarita needs salt.
So we're going to take our lime.
Can you take this lime, Beth?
BETH HOYT: I can.
GRACE: And we're just going to juice our rim--
BETH HOYT: Yup.
GRACE: --to make it ready for the salt to stick.
BETH HOYT: So then the salt sticks.
GRACE: Yeah, guys, duh.
Mega-duh.
Then you take your salt.
BETH HOYT: Oh, god.
OK.
And you put it right around the rim.
BETH HOYT: My superstitious this self is cringing.
GRACE: (SINGING) Yeah!
BETH HOYT: Grace, you have to throw some salt over your--
oh my goodness, this is just-- so much bad luck is
happening--
GRACE: OH no!
BETH HOYT: --for you right now.
Dame--
Dame Jason.
Dame Jeremy Bre--
Brenner.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Dame Jason Bourne, as Jeremy Renner.
BETH HOYT: Dame Jason Bourne as [INAUDIBLE]
MALE SPEAKER 2: In Madagascar 3.
BETH HOYT: In Madagascar 3.
MALE SPEAKER 2: Europe's Most Wanted.
BETH HOYT: Europe's Most Wanted.
MALE SPEAKER: Look how ugly, uh, uh, that pig is.
I wouldn't-- uh, I wouldn't fuck that pig
with its own dick.
INGE: I stare down the people I like.
And then I make no eye contact with people I don't like.
So you'll know if I hate you instantly.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Inge, can you look at me?
Hi.
MALE SPEAKER: I'm hot.
It's hot in here.
Mmm.
GRACE: You're sweating through your shirt.
MALE SPEAKER: Mmm.
Sometimes your fingernails feel too tight.

[SCATTING]
-Wow!
-Huh?
-Wow.
-Impressive.
-What?
You're making Jack's brownies.
-I am indeed.
I am.
And I made a batch for myself, for this guy.
-Look at you.
Yeah, I'm loving this by the way.
-This is uh--
-Really like this.
---masculinity.
-Yeah.
-What say, after I make these brownies, I, uh, get to glaze
those melons.
-[SCOFF]
-No?
-So gross.
-All right.
All right, babe.
I love you.
At least, we still got Daddy's medicine, huh?
What do we have here?
Mmmm.
Columbia skull fuck.
Let's put a little bit in there.
Gaah.
It's a little conservative for my taste.
How about the Paul Dean portion.
Yeah.
Mix it up!
[SCATTING]
Hey, babe.
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFF-SCREEN): Hey, honey.
-Babe, where are the brownies with the green top?
FEMALE SPEAKER (OFF-SCREEN): Oh, I dropped if off at the
[INAUDIBLE] with Jack.
[INAUDIBLE]
-Oh, shit.

Nooooo!

-(ECHO-Y VOICE) What the fuck, man!

-Uh, Steve.
Barbara just called me.
She was hysterical.
She said that you sprinted into her house and you were
slapping brownies out of the kids' hands.
-Barbara is such an narc, babe.
Yes, I did go over to their house.
And I was slapping brownies out of kids' hands.
But there's a method for my madness.
-I'm all ears.
-Uh, where do I begin?
I was at the grocery store.
And I saw this gigantic fatso kid.
And I thought to myself God, this is awful.
This child obesity is an epidemic.
-So this is what it was all about?
-Yeah.
-Did you do something to these?
-No, I just--
I probably added too much oil or pot.
-Are you kidding?
-Good?
-Yeah, good.
Oh, look at that.
-Well, they're gone.
-Oh good!
-Happy?
-I am.
Let me see those hands.
-There.
There you go, doubting Thomas.
-Yeah, I guess, uh, I'd like to see that other hand now.
-Bahh.
-Ah-ha.
-Oh yeah.
-No.
Steve.
-I mean--
-No!
-Damn it.

-What?
-Hey man.
Somebody just threw away some pot brownies.
Can you believe it?
-Yeah, man.
Those are my pot brownies.
Did you eat them all?
-No, man.
There's more in here.
Come on in!
-What?
No.
Just--
God, just find me one.
Ohh.
-Hey, this is some good weed.
I'm fucked up.
-Oh my god.
Do you have anything to wash this down with?
-I got a little bit of mine, here.
-Ohhh.

-Hi, I'm Frank Mortmer.
Owner and Operations Manager of Mortmer's Exterminators.
Mortmer's Exterminators has been servicing the Portsmouth
Ohio area for over 40 years.
Here at Mortmer, there's no pest too big or too small.
We guarantee you'll be completely satisfied.
Hey.
Whoa.
Was that thing there the whole time?
It's just a little bug, right?
Well, you give us a call and we'll make sure
your house is pest-free.
I feel it like it's sitting on the back of my [BLEEP]
neck.
Can someone else-- can someone just get a paper towel and
smoosh this thing.
Get it!
You got it?
I'm Frank Mortmer.

I can't even think anymore.
I'm going to get bit, and I'm going to die.
And then you guys are going to have to live with my [BEEP]
ghost.
We guarantee you'll be completely
satisfied with our service.
Give us a call and we'lll make sure your house is pest-free.
-Ewww.
Get me Frank Mortmer.
-Ow!
No!
No!
No, no, no.
-Hey, for the commercial.
-Bull [BEEP]!
I can say whatever I want.
[BEEP]
Don't you touch me.
-It's OK It's OK.
-With your-- you touch those rat fingers?
OK.
-You're OK?
-Yeah.
Got to make sure you have the right tools and-- oh no, no.
[INAUDIBLE]
Don't wait.
Pick up the phone and call Mortmer Exterminators today.
And you'll be extremely-- that's a [BLEEP]
rat!
That's a real rat.
Call the exterminator!
I don't like their little fingers.
It's coming this way.
Phyllis, hit it.
Oh Phil.
Grab that gun off the shelf.
I'm going to shoot you, you bastard.
Oh, I'm going to come [INAUDIBLE].
[CRASHING GLASS]
-Now, now, now.
[SCREAMING]
I [BEEP]
my pants.
Take me to the hospital.
It [BEEP]
bit me.
I'm going to [BLEEP]
die.
Tell my son that I'm dying.

BETH HOYT: I love that guy.
That would be me too, for sure, with those things.
But I would never--
I-- well, I wouldn't take that career path of an
exterminator.
Maybe-- maybe it was bequeathed to him.
Well, I'm glad you watched the show.
I really hope you subscribe.
I really do.
For your benefit.
I don't--
I don't do this for me.
I do it for you.
Everything I do--
(SINGING) do it for you.
And for me.
A lot of it's for me.
Speaking of me, have you been to my blog?
It's called Bethinshow.
Because that's what I am.
Ahhh.
I am Beth in Show.
Subscribe there.
Am I a talking parrot?
Subscribe.
Someone refill my batteries.
OK.
See you next week when I'm charged up.
It's everyday, 4:00 PM Eastern.
Oh, I have news.
Daily Grace will be hosting on Mondays this month.
So Grace will be your host on Monday.
Don't miss it.
All right.
I Have a great weekend.
See you at the movies.