Never Mind the Buzzcocks S22E03 + ENG & RUS SUBS

This programme contains strong language.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
All right.
Hello there and welcome to the show.
We're three weeks into the series and reviews are mixed.
We know an old friend is missing who we all wish would come back, so to rectify the situation
I'd like to read a statement from my hairdresser.
"This elaborate haircut was an endeavour we fully discussed,
"and certainly didn't rush into lightly.
"I'd like to apologise for any distress caused
"and assure you no-one could have predicted this horrific outcome."
LAUGHTER
We'll move on as best we can. Replacing Bill Bailey this week - comedy hero, Bob Mortimor! Evening.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And his first guest is the talented actor who won the nation's heart playing the part
of the precocious, drug-addled loser Jack in The Osbournes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He's just won the If Dot Comedy Award which has finally
silenced critics who say he's only a star cos of his famous father Ozzie O'Doherty - David O'Doherty!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on Phill's team tonight - she's everyone's favourite ex-member of Destiny's Child.
Fall Crazy In Love with Kelly Rowland.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And TV's newest young pop presenter famed for his irreverent style
and cheeky persona - if he wants my job so much he can write his own shitty intro, it's Nick Grimshaw!
Let's now divert attention from our inevitable deaths with a big round of applause.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So we begin with What Have We Pixillated?
# I know that you've been waiting for it, I'm waiting too
# In my imagination I'd be all up on you
# I know you got that fever for me 102
# And boy I know I feel the same My temperature's... #
Touch my body put me on the floor. Go on, touch my body. Touch it!
Give it a little poke. Go on, touch it! OI! Don't actually touch it!
You little pervert. Just pay for the record and go! It's Mariah Carey.
# I will hunt you down. #
Mariah Carey with Touch My Body. What have we pixillated?
You wouldn't think Mariah would have to hunt sex partners.
The plot line is they had sex but if they were to film it and put it on YouTube,
she'll hunt them down.
You missed out the next lyric - "I will hunt you down, rip your heart from your chest,
"eat it in front of you, have sex with your corpse,
"then have a full English breakfast the next morning."
She's quite the user, isn't she?
Did you say something about kittens?
Yeah, the kitten demands. She's like, "I want kittens and dogs."
She likes a dressing room full of kittens.
You must have met? Yeah.
It is true she has an area in her home where she goes to the bathroom
with a device on the door to stop anyone coming in...?
Because she HAS to be alone.
What? I don't know. I haven't been in Mariah Carey's house.
But you like her? I do like her.
Is it true? I read this...
When she goes to a restaurant they give her a list of things she could eat.
What?!
She picks something from that list.
And they will make whatever she picks.
Whoo!
You met her? She was very nice. I thought we were supposed to answer what that... What is it then?
I'm hoping it's horrific burns.
LAUGHTER
I think y'all... This is mean. Yeah...
LAUGHTER
You've already broken her.
What about Kelly Rowland as a guest? What about that, people?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What about that, Nick? Pretty good.
An actual bloody celebrity! I know! It's all I've ever wanted. You are famous.
NO, no, no. The ratings here are very high - that makes you famous. That's what they told you?
LAUGHTER
They said this guy is really funny, he may...take the piss at you?
I've never done that.
Or is it taking the piss?
APPLAUSE
They said you're really cool. Good. Overall.
My favourite member of Destiny's Child. Oh, thank you very much.
I thought you'd defend the others. No, I like to be the favourite.
Why not? I don't want to put down the other two.
I love them to death. I love Michelle and the other one. You love my BB!
Which one was BB? I'm sorry. I have nicknames for the girls.
I call Michelle Mimi. Beyonce is B. Beyonce, what happened to her?
She is back in New York City.
I don't want to cause a rift between you but why isn't she here with you?
She knows how important quizzes are to you, right?
Next time she's on Mock The Week, uh-uh-hmm.
Have you all fallen out? NO!
You used to sing together, now you sing apart. Why would there be any competition?
There's phoning, e-mailing, you love each other. Yes.
But if you became more famous than her, she'd kill you, right? No!
What about Nick Grimshaw being here?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't know if you know, Kelly, he's a big man around town. I know.
He's not just a major presenting talent, he's out there on the town, living it up.
I always get confused as Sadie Frost's boyfriend -
they put my picture with his name for six months.
Oh, my goodness. That's the base of it.
You know who I get confused with? Someone said this to me - "You look like Alf."
LAUGHTER
A Jewish alien from the 1980s, he used to eat cats.
LAUGHTER
The man everyone wants to know.
Who's Desperately Trying To Become Famous By Standing Next To Nick?
Fingers on buzzers. Your first one.
OK.
JACK: Oh, I know that. Who's that?
My sister. It is Kelly Osbourne.
That blood-sucking vampire bitch!
Another one.
Who could that be?
Is it Hitler? No. The answer is Lily Allen.
That vulture!
Here's your next one.
KELLY: Is that Pharell? Pharell is incorrect.
It was Michael Jackson there.
LAUGHTER
There you are just hanging out on the balcony. Yeah!
He didn't try and dangle you?
Let's have another one now.
JACK: Tony Blair?
I think that's Fidel Castro. Let's see.
It's Colonel Gadaffi and Nick Lyndhurst.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So what have we pixillated?
I watched the making of this on TMF. Go on, go on.
I think it's a silver gun. A silver gun? Let's see if you're right.
# If you run your mouth and brag about this secret rendezvous
# I will hunt you down. #
We pixillated a laser gun. One point.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
All right!
Mariah's recent album is named after Albert Einstein's theory E=MC2.
A theory he came to regret when it led to hydrogen bombing. Her album, however, was really bad.
LAUGHTER
Bob, Jack and David, watch this.
# Step out Show me what you all about
# Fingers in your mouth Open up your blouse
# Pull your G-string down south
# Threw that back out in the parking lot. #
It's the stars of the hip-hop world. P Diddy here.
Biggie Smalls celebrates his single Do You Want To Come?
Come on, Biggie, back in the cupboard.
# Grab your titties for B.I.G. My little nasty girl
# All my women from around the world... #
The notorious B.I.G. with Nasty Girl but what have we pixillated?
A Toffee Crisp.
A mackerel?
A mackerel.
I don't know this style of music, Simon.
I don't know what tokens they like to stare at.
What would it be, a gun? Dave, what do you reckon?
Notorious B.I.G. is no longer with us.
It's a tribute to him and his life. Possibly they're holding up his urn with his ashes in it.
An urn? JACK: It's a champagne glass.
It's a champagne glasses with his ashes in it and they poured champagne in it?
Yeah, like a smoothie.
A smoothie!
Oh, my God!
Let's have a closer look, Jack.
He's looking at it. He's not surprised. He seems happy.
He looks like he's going to say something.
"I love Toffee Crisp."
Jack is here promoting his ITV2 Celebrity Adrenalin Junkie programme.
Tell us about it. I go round the world dragging famous people with me.
I watched it last night and it made me want to jump out of a helicopter.
Really? To show something or just jump out? Whatever's available.
OK.
Tell us about some of the people. - Um... - I wanna go on.
Have you had any R'n'B stars?
Er, yes! We had Craig David. Craig David!
LAUGHTER
Wow!
What did he do?
We did a huge rock climb and he did three rounds with a Mexican boxer.
Oh, my gosh!
What's more of a rush - jumping off a thing with him or the thought he may die? We almost killed him.
Simon, maybe you should try and make this show more EXTREME!
Extreme pixillation! Yes!
What if we pixellated... A bloody mountain bike!
Do you know the most frightening thing I've ever done?
I fought a crocodile, I wrestled a crocodile.
I did a series where I fought animals. I fought a butterfly and I killed it. It's true.
I kicked seven shades out of a rabbit. And I fought a crocodile.
I only lasted 15 seconds with it.
What would they have done if it got on to you?
It was me who had my mouth taped up. I'm a fucking mad man!
LAUGHTER
But what have we pixellated? It's either a champagne glass or one of those bedazzled pimp cups.
A bedazzled pimp cup.
A bedazzled pimp cup?
Yup! Let's see if you're right.
# B.I.G. my little nasty girl
# All my women from around the world. #
KELLY: A shoe!
Of course!
You're wrong, we pixellated a shoe.
If you don't recognise the gentleman holding the shoe - it was Havoc,
famous for his "I'm sorry, we don't have that in a nine, just a ten and they do come up quite small."
Next it's the cheeky mock Tudorintros round. Nick and Kelly, here are yours for Nick. Thank you.
Good luck, Kelly and Nick Grimshaw. Thanks, Simon Amstell.
You look very nippley, Kelly.
LAUGHTER
You too, Phill. Thank you!
Nothing wrong with nipples!
Go ahead. Let's sing some songs.
# Bah-da-bah-da-bah Da-bah-dah-BAH! #
# Ba-dah-bah!
# Whey-ba-ba-ba-whey-bay Ba-dah-bah!
# Whey-ba-ba-ba-whey-bay Ba-dah-bah!
# Whey-ba-ba-ba-whey-bay... # OK, you have to get it by now!
Kelly, do this well, you could launch yourself as a solo artist.
I think it's either that song off Austin Powers or that song by The Bees,
Rooster or something.
Very close. To do with an animal.
Chicken Payback? Is it Chicken Payback?!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good work.
MUSIC: "Chicken Payback" by The Bees
Do a butt bounce, then. I'm not showing them my bedonka-donk.
OK. What's next? What's next?
Try and give something, Kelly.
Project the voice, give us some soul.
We might as well have Michelle here!
LAUGHTER She's my second favourite.
This British humour, I'm still getting used to it. So am I.
Nick, I'm not very good at making friends with celebrities.
What do you do? I don't know. Are you kind?
I'm nice. Nice? Yeah. Very clever.
Why aren't we friends, Nick Grimshaw? We are. You call at very odd hours.
Really? I can't stay up all night hoping to meet The Ting Tings.
Have you met them? What are they like? OK.
I don't get it. Good point. She says she's 23.
When?! Yeah, when?
That's not her age!
# Don't call her 20 Don't call her 40 Don't call her 50! #
LAUGHTER
Kelly's clapping, she doesn't know why. Go on, do the final song.
Give it some, Kelly!
# Jigga-jig-jigga-jig
# Doo-doo-doo
# Jigga-jigga-jigga-ding-ding
# Dinga-ding Jigga-jigga-jigga-doo-doo
# Jigga-jigga Ding-ding-ding. #
Oh, God, this is boring. It is a song NO-ONE knows!
He doesn't know it. Do you know it? No. I didn't know it.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, I'm with her! You come on here with your jive-ass songs!
Whoo!
All the personality, bring that to the music.
# Jigga-jigga-jigga-jigga ding-ding
# Jigga-jigga-jigga-jigga ding-ding, da-da-da-da. #
I'm too booty-licious for you, babe!
You know.
- I'm trying to dance to give the song some life. - I don't know.
Pass it over. I don't know.
I've no idea. Sounds like a Bond theme.
It's Moving On Up by Primal Scream. Here it is.
Yeah, that was too intense.
MUSIC: "Moving On Up" by Primal Scream
Well done!
APPLAUSE
Moving On Up by Primal Scream.
And Chicken Payback by The Bees. Guess who's got good jokes about The Bees? Me!
Who is The Bees' favourite singer? Sting!
What is The Bees favourite pop group? The Bee Gees.
Who is The Bees favourite member of Destiny's Child? Kelly Rowland!
Who else?!
Can I contribute a bee joke?
What bees produce milk? Boo-bees.
LAUGHTER
Bob and Jack, here are yours for David O'Doherty.
Thank you. Go for it.
One, two, three.
OW!
Is it James Brown I Feel Good?
Correct.
# OW! I feel good! #
Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Put a bit of pace into the show.
OW! "I know what it is." "You're correct." Clap. And on.
# Boh-da-bum-bum-bum
# Boh-da-da-bum-bum-bum-bum-bum
# Boh-da-bum-bum-bum... # Where do I come in? # Da-da-boh-bum-bum-bum-boh-da-bo. #
Any time.
LAUGHTER
I'll start a bit higher. # Boh-da-bum-bum-bum
# Boh-da-bum-bum-bum
# Eee-eee-eee-eee-eee
# Boh-da-bum-bum-bum Eee-eee-eee-eee Boh-da-bum-bum-bum. #
Gotta keep it going. # Boh-da-bum-bum-bum. #
You have a beautiful voice, Jack. Why is Kelly the pop star?
I said that. At least it shouldn't have been Kelly.
What do you think, David? KELLY: The power of Christ compels you. I'm a Jew!
LAUGHTER
But thank you for the water.
David? Usually it's more lie this...
# So-o-o-o be-pee-e-e-e-e
# Do-my-to ca-mo-to... #
LAUGHTER
Does that help? That sounded like Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
But that rest of it doesn't, so...
I...I don't know. I'll have to...
OK. I'm passing it over.
Kings Of Leon, Sex On Fire. It's correct. Here's how it sounds.
Nick Grimshaw.
I love the Kings Of Leon.
I've bought tickets to see them and I've also recorded some of their songs off the radio.
LAUGHTER
That was Sex On Fire, Kings Of Leon, and also I Feel Good by James Brown.
At Elvis's funeral, James Brown made the faux pas of leaning his elbow on the coffin.
Didn't go down well at the time, but is now voted the nation's favourite sitcom moment.
The look on Trigger's face. LAUGHTER
Right. Now we come to a brand-new round we've called What Person Goes With What Thing?
Each team is given four pop stars and four objects or things
to represent a part of their lives. All the teams have to do
is match the stars to the things.
Phill, Kelly and Nick, you're up first.
Here are your people and things.
There they are.
LAUGHTER
Your stars are Meatloaf... LAUGHTER
..whose wig didn't come today.
LAUGHTER
Jarvis Cocker.
Marilyn Manson. LAUGHTER
And Slash.
And their things are...
teddy bears. Some matchboxes.
A prosthetic leg.
And a snake.
So, what do you think is the relationship between the stars and their things?
So, we've got a fake leg. Yeah.
Do any of them have a fake leg that we know?
I don't think. Has Meatloaf got the gout? LAUGHTER
Let's say no.
What do you think is the theme going through this round?
Are they things they've had on their rider? No.
Are they things that they've invested in? No.
Is it things they collect? It is.
Get out of here! Bears?
People collect bears. Why are you saying, "Bears?" rather than, "Legs?"
LAUGHTER
Do you collect anything? N... What do I collect?
Do you collect matchboxes? No. I actually collect mugs.
Do you want that mug? Yeah, thanks. You can have that mug if you want.
I was going to take it anyways. LAUGHTER
What do you think?
Let's go for Meatloaf. Erm...Jarvis and Meatloaf swap places.
Right, that's it.
I think Slash has snakes.
Do you think Meatloaf has matches? Yeah.
Kelly, it's lovely to have you here. Nice, normal girl who came in with no demands, bodyguards.
Thank you. Have you even got any money? What's really going on?
LAUGHTER I'm quite blessed, thank you. You are blessed.
We're all blessed. I have to rush you for an answer here.
Do you think that's it? I think that's it. OK.
Kelly doesn't look happy. I'm trying to be a team-player.
Would you swap Meatloaf with the match man? Yeah.
Let's swap Meatloaf with the match man.
OK. That's good. And then, young lady,
as a good Christian, you accept the consequences of your actions.
LAUGHTER Let's see if you're right.
Can the line-up please place themselves behind their actual things? Shut up!
APPLAUSE
You've got one right. The correct order is Marilyn Manson, prosthetic limbs.
Slash, snakes. Meatloaf, teddies and Jarvis Cocker, matchboxes.
Join me in a round of applause for our stars and their things.
APPLAUSE
Bob, Jack and David, here are your people and things.
Your stars are Rod Stewart,
Shaggy... LAUGHTER
Kurt Cobain... LAUGHTER
And Bjork.
And their things are...fish, a military helmet,
a mop and bucket, and a shovel.
Firstly, what is the relationship between the stars and their things?
I feel like Kurt Cobain is somehow connected to a shovel.
But why?
Well...one might have buried him.
LAUGHTER
So, by that means, Shaggy will be buried with some haddock.
LAUGHTER
Oh, maybe these are prior jobs.
Yes, these are prior jobs.
Jack is correct, it is prior jobs.
You, of course, used to be in the Osbournes. Yes.
We all loved the Osbournes. Did we all? Yes! OK.
We liked it. All the shouting and the chaos. Yes.
And your mum screaming, "Jack, have you been shitting on my dog's BLEEP?"
LAUGHTER Good show.
It was a good show. Obviously, we all love your mum. She's our mum.
She's the world's mother. I feel like I see her more than I see my own mother.
Do you think she's topped Judy Finnegan as...?
LAUGHTER As the country's mum? I think so.
OK. What about which of these men is a thing? Hey, Simon! Mm.
David's here tonight. Hey, David O'Doherty.
You've just won a comedy award. Why not be funny for ten seconds?
LAUGHTER
I've made up one proper joke in the last...four years.
This could be the forum to put it forward. Go ahead.
Who are the most decent people at the hospital?
The ultra...sound people.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Hey, that was great.
LAUGHTER
OK, Bob, let's involve you.
Bob? Yes. As a former job, I know you used to be a solicitor.
I did used to be a solicitor. We had Jarvis Cocker earlier.
Didn't you get Jarvis Cocker out of jail when he mooned in front of Michael Jackson?
I did, but it's a very long story. OK. Let's move on.
Let's play this game. What celebrity goes with what thing?
Rod Stewart used to be a grave digger,
so I'm putting him with the spade.
I know Shaggy used to be in the US military. OK.
We'll put Shaggy behind the helmet.
You'll have to move, Kurt.
LAUGHTER
We'll put Rod by the spade. If we may.
He's a # Vaguely like it. #
Bjork, she's from Iceland, right?
I'm sure fishing is a pretty big trade up there, because there's nothing there.
So, maybe Bjork was a fisher woman. And Kurt, maybe he was...
And there is Kurt with Courtney Love and a bucket.
LAUGHTER
I feel pretty confident about this. I love it, Jack.
Let's see if you're right. Can the line-up please place themselves behind their things?
All four right. APPLAUSE
# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da Da-da-da da-da da-da-da. #
Kurt Cobain was a caretaker of janitorial service,
Bjork used to work in a fish factory, Shaggy used to be a marine,
and Rod Stewart used to dig graves for a living.
Please join me once again in a round of applause for our stars and their things.
APPLAUSE
So...Bob's team, you are in the lead.
Thank you for your captaining.
I'm a ra-ta-ta-teur.
LAUGHTER
Time begins now.
'Our house.'
In the middle of the street. 'Our street,' but I'll give you it.
'Disco dancing with the lights down low.'
Looking for some place to...go.
'Its beats are pumping on the stereo.' Girls Aloud.
I missed that one. APPLAUSE
Not a fan of the Girls Aloud?
Which one do you hate the most? The third from the left.
'Shut up.'
Erm, erm, it's...
Kelly. Erm...baby.
'Don't want to hear your voice.' Kelly Osbourne. Shut up. So bad.
That's fine. Nobody would have known.
LAUGHTER
'You know you talk so hip, man.'
Er... 'You're twisting my melon, man.'
Correct. Happy Mondays. END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
What do we get? APPLAUSE
You've got ten points. Yes!
You've got four points. Seven to win. Your time begins now.
'Hey, there, here I am.'
Well, it's going to be a long round. LAUGHTER
'I'm the man on the scene.' Otis Reading. Hard To Handle.
'When you call my name.'
# It's like a little prayer. #
Is correct. Madonna.
'No matter what I do.' All I think about is you.
No. The line I was looking for was # O-oh. #
LAUGHTER
'Oh-h-h-h'
Oh-h-h-h. Correct.
LAUGHTER
Destiny's Child, Survivor. Oh-h-h-h. Oh-h-h-h.
Correct. Destiny's Child, Survivor.
# Oh-h-h Oh-h-h Oh-h-h Oh-h-h Oh-h-h
# Oh-h-h-h. # LAUGHTER
You do it! You're supposed to help me.
It was the last one. # Oh-h-h-h oh-h-h. #
No, the one after that. I don't know. It was # Oh-h-h-h. #
LAUGHTER That's great, baby.
END-OF-ROUND JINGLE
APPLAUSE
What fun we've had this evening. What about that fun?
The scores at the end of this game.
Phill's team have eight points.
Bob's team have ten points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So, thanks to Phill, Kelly and Nick, Bob, Jack and David.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm going kayaking now
with the "celebrity" Beyonce Knowles. Good night, everybody.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk