Beth of the Week LIVE! - 7/13/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 13.07.2012

Transcript:

BETH HOYT: Ladders and salt and the Scottish play, oh my.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi guys, I'm Beth and this is My
Damn Channel Live.
And it's Friday.
It's Friday the 13th.
Maybe you know this about me--
I am very superstitious.
I am trying to get over that.
I refuse to give in to my anxieties today.
So I am wearing my favorite shirt and I'm going to make it
a great day.
Ow.
Ooh.
Got a sliver.
Or a splinter.
What's the real word?
Um, OK.
That was a fluke.
That happens--
that happens all the time.
That's--
[PHONE RINGS]
Sorry, guys.
Forgot to turn that off.
That's weird.
That is an ex I have not heard from in forever.
That is really weird.
Sorry.
I'm just gonna--
Oh my-- oh no!
Oh, no, my favorite shirt!
Oh my god, you guys, this is going to stain.
OK.
OK.
This is all--
I am not going to cry.
I am not going to cry.
[SCREAM]
Oh my god-- ahh.
Oh, I just forgot I-- oh, no.
I was just soaking my hands in gasoline.
Oh my god, it's in my eyes.
Oh, I can't see.
I can't see.
OK.
Um, let's just play this thing.
Oh, ow.
OK, let's just say that uh, what is it?
Uh, you missed this week.
We played the Beth of the Week.
Play it now.
Play it now.
Are you playing it?
Did we start it yet?
Oh, ow.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi.
Hi there.
Can you say hi?
Did you miss me?
Beth, Beth.
Shake it off.
Shake it off.
OK.
Sorry guys.
I've been with babies all week.
Serial hoarders.
MALE SPEAKER: Serial hoarders.
It's just, those--
I mean, what's going to happen at the end of the season?
BETH HOYT: I know.
MALE SPEAKER: Are they going to still have cereal?
BETH HOYT: Or you know, an appetite?
This isn't real.
This is CGI.
So that's--
this--
I mean, it looks like, it looks like I'm doing that.
But that's--
that was $3,000 for that little stunt right there.
Oh, I went to VidCon.
My friend Jessica babysat, you guys.
Did you have a good time?
Did you have fun with Jessica Lee?
Beth, stop it!
Hey Troy, how's the AMA going?
TROY: There's this great Goodfellas--
BETH HOYT: Oh, Troy?
Sorry.
Focus on the AMA.
This isn't your segment yet.
Stick it in your butt.
That's what she said.
Wait, that-- that would-- that would probably-- that would be
impossible.
Or--
or very impressive.
(SINGING) I, I've, been, been, kissed by the sun on my
shoulders, on vacay.
DAILY GRACE: Too much talking.
I can't fap to this, sad face emoticon.
Well, GoogleToolbar, I'm very, very sorry that that happened
to you and that you experienced that.
Can you fap to this?

Can you fap to that?
Can you?
Can you fap to this?
Can you fap?
BETH HOYT: I can order Zappos shoes off my phone right now.
VERY LOUD MALE SPEAKER: Mega-Beth!
BETH HOYT: Oh, actually, you know what?
That's--
that's an app.
That's-- and you know what else it's called?
That's also called an addiction.
VERY LOUD MALE SPEAKER: Mega-Beth!
BETH HOYT: And now it's time for you guys to go all Dan
Rather on his ass.
MALE SPEAKER: Mmm.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

MALE SPEAKER: Welcome to America's Bank.
Can I help you?
JOKESTER: [EVIL CACKLE]
All right, everybody!
You know the drill.
[BANK PATRONS SCREAM]
JOKESTER: This is a stick-up.

So no funny business, or I'll kill you.
You can bank on that.
[EVIL CACKLES]
'Cause it's a bank.
It's funny.
FLEET FOOT: Well, the joke's on you, Jokester.
JOKESTER: Fleet Foot!

FLEET FOOT: Speed up.
Speed out.
[CRUNCH]
JOKESTER: [SCREAMS]
Get him, boys.
WORLD MAN: We're not your boys, Guy.

JOKESTER: Where are my henchmen?
WORLD MAN: Morphman.
Wrecking ball.

[CRUNCH]
WORLD MAN: Ha-ha.
JOKESTER: Don't count your chickens, Super Force.
ELEMENTRA: Seriously, dude?

JOKESTER: Fwa!

Really?

FLEET FOOT: Another super-villain
defeated by the Sup--
NIGHT KNIGHT: Time to go Night Knight!

MERMAN: Guys.
Stop.
I think he's dead.
WORLD MAN: He's still moving.
MERMAN: World Man, no laser eyes necessary.
WORLD MAN: Laser eyes activate.

MERMAN: Let's get started.
Everybody-- everybody settle.
WORLD MAN: God, these cameras love me.
Welcome to World Man and Friends.
MERMAN: OK, let's not address the cameras directly.
We're doing more of a documentary of the entire
Super Force.
FLEET FOOT: What channel is it on?
MERMAN: It's-- it's for the internet.
WORLD MAN: The internet?
FLEET FOOT: [GASP]
My kids love internet memes.
That's what we should do.
Like that Chocolate Rain guy.
Well, if I had a hero of my own, it's probably be the
Chocolate Rain guy.
I mean, he's like the Jackie Robinson of the internet.
[GAVEL]
MERMAN: Yes.
Morphman is correct.
Let's all focus.
As you guys all know, the government funding which was
recently cut in half has been cut in half again.
WORLD MAN: Now we have nothing?
MERMAN: That's not how fractions work.
WORLD MAN: Are you sure?
MERMAN: Uh, let's come up with some fundraising ideas.
NIGHT KNIGHT: I have a solution.
I have been developing a process whereby I take our
super DNA and I make a super-DNA soup.
Then I inject the soup into a bovine uterus, where it
gestates into a super-fetus.
FLEET FOOT: Mmkay.
NIGHT KNIGHT: It doesn't have to be a bovine uterus.
It could be any robust uterus, really.
Preferably one that's immortal.
ELEMENTRA: Ew!
No.
OK, this is like the fifth time you've asked to use my
uterus in an experiment.
It's not happening.
NIGHT KNIGHT: That's going to save us a lot of cash going
in-house, so I'm gonna take that as a maybe.
MERMAN: Y-yeah, l-let's just stick to money-making ideas.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Oh yeah!
I just don't see how making a super-baby makes us money.
I just don't get it at all?
INTERVIEWER: How does a super-baby make you money.

NIGHT KNIGHT: Marketing.
FLEET FOOT: I have an idea.
MERMAN: Great.
Fleet Foot.
FLEET FOOT: I think we should revisit internet memes.
I was looking on Wikipedia and it was talking how-- (SINGING)
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down.
Rick rolled!
MERMAN: Yeah, I think we're just getting a little
off-topic
WORLD MAN: You're off-topic, Mermaid.
It's a sad, cold tampon of a day when criminals make $7
billion a minute--
MERMAN: Yeah, that's not an accurate stat.
WORLD MAN: And we superheroes are left groveling for loose
internet change like retarded beggars?
MERMAN: Dude.
WORLD MAN: Sorry.
Mentally retarded beggars.
I mean, can you believe that we have to do a song and dance
while these billionaire crack dealers buy and sell islands?
It's ridiculous.
AUTOTUNER: It's ridiculous.
WORLD MAN: In conclusion, I think we should
steal from the Mob.
AUTOTUNER: Steal from the Mob.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Robbery is a crime, no matter the victim.
You're out of my DNA soup.
WORLD MAN: Fine!
I didn't want to be in your DNA soup.
Oh, I'll be in the soup.
I'll make sure of it.
Without me, it's like chicken soup without the chicken.
There's going to be a whole load of
World Man in that soup.
ELEMENTRA: God, stop saying DNA soup.
AUTOTUNER: DNA soup.

MERMAN: Great.
Morphman's leaving and we-- can we just get one idea?
Like one usable--
ELEMENTRA: Yeah.
How about someone stop joyriding in my Invisijet when
you can already fly.
MERMAN: OK.
Actually, that's-- that's a good idea.
I mean, jet fuel's really expensive.
WORLD MAN: Fine, let's just do the super-baby.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Finally!
MERMAN: Not happening, OK?
That's not gonna happen.
WORLD MAN: Fascist, I don't hear you
coming up with any ideas.
MERMAN: All right, listen.
Since we can't seem to avoid
destroying property on missions--
WORLD MAN: Our job here is done.
Morph, lead the way.
FLEET FOOT: Speed up, speed out.

MERMAN: Oh, god.

Well, the only thing that's going to cut the budget enough
is to let one of us go.
FLEET FOOT: [SMALL SOB]
MERMAN: OK, you know what?
Why don't we talk about anything else.
How about we--
FLEET FOOT AND TAY ZONDAY (SINGING): Super Force!

WORLD MAN: Fuck you, crime.
INTERVIEWER: Dude, no.
No.
Don't say that line.
WORLD MAN: Fuck you, crime.
INTERVIEWER: It's not about how you're saying it.
Just don't say it.
WORLD MAN: Fuck you, crime.
INTERVIEWER: Jesus.
WORLD MAN: Better?
MALE SPEAKER: Ew, that robot just barfed.

WORLD MAN: That was Save the Supers, our exciting new
original series.
And all the Supers, including Sandeep Parikh, are at the
Comic-Con this weekend.
Check them out, and if you-- check them
out if you're there.
And next week we have lots of exciting things.
Are you ready?
I'll wait.
OK.
Awesome guests.
Eric Andre on Wednesday.
Also on Wednesday's show, more original premieres.
Gilbert Gottfried and Luke Conard from King of the Web
will be here.
And we'll be celebrating the Olympics all month.
We have a very special show next Tuesday
to kick things off.
You're going to want to see that, so subscribe.
And as you probably saw, Daily Grace was here yesterday.
She's back in New York, back on Thursdays, which means I'm
going to end on this before the studio collapses.
I'm going to bed right after this.
I'm going to be here on Monday.
See you then.
Have a great weekend.
Watch out for everything today.

[MUSIC PLAYING]