Highlights of Lost Voice Guy's debut stand up comedy gig @ Mission in Sunderland - 4 February 2012


Uploaded by LostVoiceGuy on 07.02.2012

Transcript:
[PLEASE EXCUSE THE BAD GRAMMAR AND PUNCUATION. THIS WAS NEEDED SO IT SOUNDED RIGHT ON MY
IPAD.]
testing. testing. one, two, three. testing. testing. one, two, three. Houston we have
a problem. abandon ship. abandon ship. .
only joking! we're not even on a ship.
,
hello ladies and gentlemen, are you all very well?
.
Well done. That was the test to see how many of you could actually understand me. I'm pleased
to report that at least a few of you did. I'd be grateful if you could relay everything
I say tonight to the rest of the audience. A bit like a giant game of Chinese whispers.
just make sure I sound very funny.
.
Before we go any further let's deal with the elephant in the room. And I don't mean the
fat guy I've just seen going to the toilet.
.
I know what you were all thinking when you saw me come on
stage. Don't worry about it, it's fine, it happens all the time and I'm used to it by
now. You were thinking here comes another, wanker, with his eye, pad
You'd be mistaken. I'm a disabled, wanker, with an eye, pad. The difference being that
I paid for the eye pad with my benefit money.
Don't tell David Cameron. He still thinks I can't walk,
still have bad eye sight and have a problem with my bladder.
Unfortunately for those closest to the stage, one of those facts is actually true. There
should be a bucket down there somewhere. please could one of you hold it for me in case of
emergency. I'm usually a pretty good shot. Cheers.
.
Let's face it though, Dave isn't a big fan of disabled people. I'm sure he thinks I'm
going to wake up one day and not be disabled anymore. It kind of gives me a warm, fuzzy
feeling that I disappoint, him every morning. The posh, fucker.
.
Incidentally, do you know what David Cameron's favourite web site is? We buy any, care, dot
com.
.
In case you were still in any doubt, I really am disabled. It's definitely not just really
good acting. I lost my voice when I was very young and I haven't found it since. Don't
you just hate it when, that happens!
I've looked everywhere for it. Down the back of
the chair, in the washing machine, everywhere! On the bright side, I did find the television
remote control, three pound in change and a used, rubber johhny. That's now safely back
in my wallet.
.
Don't worry though, you can't catch it from me. It just means that you better not get
stuck behind me on the stairs if there's a fire. and that I get the best seats on buses.
It's a small price to pay.
.
When I realised I'd never be able to talk again I was speechless.
.
I began to try to communicate through the medium of, dance. A bit like Strictly Come
Dancing crossed with Give Us A Clue. People just thought I was taking an epileptic fit.
It also got very confusing in night clubs.
.
I do need to set a few things straight. Firstly, I'm not drunk and this is actually how I walk
all the time. Despite what embarrassed parents might tell their children when they ask awkward
questions as I walk past.
. I
did spend eight years as a alcoholic in a vain attempt to correct this issue.
Thinking that if I drank enough, I'd walk straight. Turns out it just aggravated the
bladder issue further. Sorry again to the front row.
.
Secondly, I am not related to Stephen Hawking in any way. however I do hate the way people
take the piss out of the way he speaks. I can really, synthesise with him.
.
And thirdly, I realise that my voice sounds like it should belong on a children's story
telling programme. But if you're expecting jack and the bean stalk you're going to be
very disappointed.
.
I got the Metro to the gig this evening. I always like to sit in those seats for disabled
people. It's just easier to get off. Anyway, I was in that seat and was about half way
here when another disabled person got on and asked me to move.
I'll be honest, I didn't realise I'd be playing disabled, top, trumps when I got on or I would
have dressed more retarded.
Needless to say I didn't move. who cares if he was both blind and deaf!? I was there first.
It was very awkward. He couldn't see that I was still there. and I couldn't tell him
I wasn't moving because i can't speak. He wouldn't have heard me any way! In the
end I had to throw his guide dog a stick. I didn't mean for them to end up under the
train.
.
People have often asked me why I want to put myself in a position where every one can stare
and laugh at me. The truth is that, it happens to me every day any way. At least this way
there's a scheduled time and place for it. I like to think I'm providing a public service.
which is more than the government is doing at the moment.
.
Of course, I do it because I want to be famous too. I think everyone does really.
I started off in a disabled, Steps, tribute, band. we were called, Ramps. That was a bit
of an uphill struggle.
I often think about going on The X Factor just to see the look on their faces when they
realise I can't actually sing. or dance. or talk.
however, I'd like to play you a clip of what i think would happen If I did go on the ex
Factor. give me a second to find it.
[CLIP OF VOICEOVER GUY FROM X-FACTOR THEN CLIP OF LOST VOICE GUY SINGING STAYIN’ ALIVE
BY THE BEE GEES]
Ladies and gentlemen, I can safely say you've been my best audience I've ever, had the pleasure
of playing too. thank you to mission, and mackem laugh for inviting me along.
I have been Lost Voice Guy, If you find my voice please contact me on my blog, or on
my Facebook page. I hope you enjoy the rest of your night.