Flower Stars (2011)


Uploaded by felanieable on 11.08.2011

Transcript:
jbjb{x{x Moon Journals: A Bouquet of Stars Melanie Carbine (May 20 2011) The moon lights
the waves. Bleeding it dives into the current. It sinks gradually into oblivion, leaving
only the night sky empty and vast but sprinkled with light. In all my wanderings, the stars
have always read like a story, even if the stories keep changing. * * * The first constellation
I ever spotted on my own was the big dipper. Sitting in planetariums as a kid, they showed
me how it was a great bear headed north, but I never really saw the bear. Sitting out on
the rocks by the ocean, Lorna explained to me how it was a canoe racing fast in the lead.
A bear or a canoe, both would have been fitting. Either way I was about to leave the mountains
to navigate a strange forest on the other side of the country. It was my last sleepover
with my oft times overly dramatic friend, Ashley Stonebraker. We sprawled out on the
trampoline in the backyard, giggling and not at all falling asleep. The sky was as vast
as I thought were the days of our childhood. We searched the stars making up our own constellations
and stories. But, the summer night breeze grew chilly as I thought of my mom s unsettled
voice on the other end of the line. She called to tell me to stay the night at Ashley s house,
even though that was already the plan. My mom probably just wanted to make sure I was
there. She hadn t told my dad we were moving and he had just found out. Apparently, he
didn t take it well. Tried to her hit with his car. My mom had called the police and
all. You d think she would just tell Ashley s parents, but, like my dad, she wasn t thinking.
She just wanted to make sure we were all coming with her. My mom has only been back three
times. I ve been back on average once a year. I don t know if that ll stay the same now
that my dad is gone. These seven stars, they aren t a bear or a canoe. It s me running
back and forth looking for something I know I set down somewhere, wandering in a circle
looking for something I m sure I left behind. * * * The summer nights were never again sufficiently
dark to search the stars until one magical night complete with dragons, fairies and castles.
Dan and I hid in a turret of the wooden play structure. Suddenly we realized we had been
watching the guys fooling around with firecrackers too long to act surprised if they caught us
watching. We muted our laughter and stories of attacking dragons. We moved closer into
each other and I think I already knew then that I had made the wrong choice to move back
to the islands. Here was a guy willing to play pretend with me and I had dismissed him
out of hand the first time he tried to talk to me. (I was leaving and I didn t need to
make new friends). Apparently, I had walked away when he came over to join the conversation.
(They started talking about video games). And, I had laughed out loud when he told me
his last name. (His last name was Blatter; I thought he was kidding). There we were,
standing on a drawbridge. He lightly wrapped his arm around me, pointing out his favorite
constellation with his other hand. He felt like a cloud and I was drifting away with
him into the sky. Do you see those three stars, the one in the middle a glowing red? It s
a flower. And those trailing stars the stem. Oh, yeah! You mean that nose sneezing out
a trail of snot? What?! No, it s a flower. It s only out in the summer. Most people say
it s a scorpion but it s definitely a flower. I pretended to sneeze and laughed, Definitely.
It s white with purple and orange streaks. Only that bee flying in for nectar can see
it. We stood and watched as a plane flew across the blossom of the constellation. The flower
was so bright up in the sky all that summer. When I came back to Majuro, I discovered I
could see the North Star and the Southern Cross at the same time, just on the horizon.
But, even though life seems a perpetual summer here, some time after life settled down in
October, my flower seemed washed out of the sky. I had come back thinking I could have
my northern and southern stars at the same time but I had lost that flower in my wanderings.
* * * When I d go and visit, my dad would maniacally drink trying to slow down. He nervously
drank when I wanted him to meet Dan. He d struggle sometimes to get himself out of bed.
He smoked too much. He d give me a hard time about lentils and vegetables. He gave me directions
around a city I didn t really know anymore. They had found him curled up in the bathroom,
face to the ground. Why was he alone? Why was Dan the only guy who had met my dad? Why
weren t they as reliable as the stars? How had I lost track of so much? * * * I was in
Ebeye when I got the news. I couldn t keep myself from calling Dan, even though I hadn
t talked to him in a couple of months. I knew he probably wouldn t get my email because
he doesn t check his email everyday. He doesn t always answer his phone either, but I also
hadn t ever called during the daytime every day for an entire week straight before. He
couldn t at least check his voice mail to see if something was wrong?! By the time,
he checked his email and listened to his voicemail I was back in Majuro, the internet connection
wasn t as good as Ebeye, and the line kept cutting out. I didn t even know if I wanted
to see him, but I knew that seeing him would make me feel better. * * * It was a stupid
fight. She d been talking to police officers and doctors and funeral homes all week. I
hadn t slept in 36 hours. She called me spoiled and I called her insensitive. She took off
and left me on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. I had on a light jacket
and sandals. I was freezing. I thought I recognized Dan s car but no one was there. I wandered
around the parking lot for a while. The last time I had seen him my dad was telling us
that we should get married. This was my dad who was always telling me to not rush things.
Did he just know there wasn t much time anymore? Or, could he tell that something was right?
I just didn t know about Dan anymore something we lost track of while I was wandering half
way around the world. I needed someone, someone who had met my dad but wasn t hurting as much
as I was. He had been waiting inside the lobby for me. Where do you want to go? Dan asked.
I had wanted to go to this park I used to go to with my dad when I was little, but I
changed my mind. Drive to the avenues. Not to the park you took me to last time but the
other park. My dad had picked out this park last Fourth of July to watch the fireworks.
We ran up to the top of the hill, Here. This is the place, and sat down. Instead of stars,
city lights. Instead of a castle in the warm summer evening, there was a circling merry-go-round
in the cold night. I left still confused, but I did feel better. * * * Once again I
found myself lost and I looked to the stars to orient myself. I stepped out, the ocean
crashing at my back, a cluster of seven stars in the north to my left, a four starred shape
in the south to my right. With the two constant constellations both visible just on the periphery
of the horizon, with the whole scope of life scattered before me, the stars were awash
with the lavender and pinks of dawn. Straight ahead, like a flower left at my doorstep for
me to find, there was the burst of flower and the trailing curve of stars below. * * ** * * The
stars are the same everywhere I ve gone but the stories are different. Is it a poisonous
scorpion sent to bring down the ego of a mighty winter hunter? Or is it Timur sailing ahead
fast, leaving Jabro, the youngest, to calm the aftermath of the stormy season? No, it
s a flower, a dusky purple on the edge of sunrise as a promise that what was lost, now
is found. * * * Sometimes I find a star or two and I lose the shape it is in. Sometimes
I have
a friend or two and I lose the same way. And if I search the sky again, it s just not the
same. I make mistakes just like everyone. I hope someday I won t have to lose anymore.
Sometimes I go out walking and I lose track of my home. And since I m not around for you,
I lose the same way. s not that I need someone around, but I miss what I ve lost since I
ve gone. I miss what I lose when you re gone. I miss what I lose now you re gone. The moon
lights the waves Normal Melanie Carbine Microsoft Word 11.5.6 PICTX MSWD Book Antiqua Moon J
urnals uet of tars Melanie Car ine (May The moon lig waves. Bleeding dives into current.
sinks gradually oblivion, leaving onl the night empty an sprinkled with ight In wanderings
, the stars have always like stor even the stories keep changing. * * * The irst constellation
ever spotted the bi ippe Sitting i planetariums showed me it was great bear north, but never
the Sittin rocks ocean, Lorna expl it was canoe racing fast canoe, both woul have itting
Eithe about eave w(mountains to navigate a strange forest o the other side the country.
It was m last sleepove with time overly dramati iend Ashl Stonebraker. tramp line in backya
not at all aslee vast thought the of ou childhood searche the stars constellations stories.
But, the summer ight reeze chi I thought unsettled voice on the other en She calle the night
Ashl se, even though that was alre the proba just wanted make was ther She hadn t tol my
da we wer moving just found Apparent he d take hit car police an think woul just Ashley
rents, my da she wasn t thinkin just wanted sure comin her. My mom has only been back
thre times. been back aver once a yea that the same that my da is gone. These seven stars,
they aren canoe running back fort lookin for something know somewhere wanderi ircl lookin
something I m sure The moon lights the waves Title Microsoft Word Document NB6W Word.Document.8