Our Premiere! with Jon Glaser - 3/28/12 (Full Ep)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 28.03.2012

Transcript:

-Hi.
You came.
This is the first ever My Damn Channel LIVE.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hey, everyone.
I'm Beth Hoyt.
And this is My Damn Channel LIVE.
And this is our first show.
Cue the balloons.
Do-- do we--
we did not get the balloon net.
We didn't?
OK.
That's fine.
I didn't really want it.
I thought you wanted it.
You didn't even want it?
That's funny because I thought you--
So I'm Beth Hoyt.
And I'm your host.
And we're going to have fun together.
We're going to show videos and hang out with
some amazing guests.
And let's get started.
I'm excited.
I squeaked.
And because it's live, you guys are going to have a major
role in the show because that's how
we do on the interwebs.
We're just all up in each other's business.
And I like it that way.
You should tweet me funny, relevant
thoughts while you watch.
Oh, and there's a live comment feed on our YouTube page for
you to tell us what you like and what you don't.
I have a therapist in the control room.
She's on hand for those.
Don't worry.
But mostly just watch and subscribe.
We'll be here every day.
Here's the thing.
So I've been telling my friends how I have a new job,
that I'm hosting a live comedy show every
day at 4:00 PM eastern.
And they're like, oh yeah?
Cool.
When do you tape it?
Let's me again for happy hour at three.
And I have to say, I mean it.
It's live.
For real, at 4:00.
I'll be there at 4:35.
I just--
I don't get why people aren't getting that
this is actually live.
OK, do you want proof?
I'm going to prove it to you.
Look it, my phone.
I live in New York.
It's 4:01 PM right now on my phone.
That's proof.
Also that is Nadal.
I rotate him with Federer.
I was in a Dark Prince kind of mood today.
Listen, why don't you guys tweet me at THEBETHHOYT with
something that you want me to do right here, right now,
during the show to prove it's live, because I will do it.
PG though, come on.
Now since we're a new show, we thought it was important to
get the word out about My Damn Channel LIVE and all of the
live comedy we're going to be doing.
So we did that on the streets of New York
City this past weekend.
We taped it.
Take it, Beth.
Thanks Beth.
I'm Beth Hoyt from My Damn Channel LIVE here in New York
City, USA, North America, Earth, talking with ordinary
people about an extraordinary phenomenon, live internet
comedy show on the internet live.
Let's go.
I'm wondering what your favorite live comedy show on
the internet is.
-Um, Ray William Johnson.
-He's is a good-- that-- he's funny.
But it's not live.
Have you ever watched a live comedy show on the internet?
-No, no, sorry.
-Live on the internet.
-Am I, like, double the size of you?
Why do I feel so tall?
-When you say live on the internet, what do you mean?
-What do I mean?
-Maybe South Park.
I don't really watch anything else.
-Yeah, so funny.
But just not live.
That's not live.
Also that's animated.
-Yeah, I don't watch shows.
-I mean, how can it be live on the internet?
-How can it be?
If you were to make a live comedy show on the internet,
would you cast me as the host?
-I totally would.
-This is a serious question now.
I'm wondering what you would name this puppy.
-Rex maybe?
-Sorry.
-No?
-No.
-Um, some ugly thing?
-Ralphie?
-Ralphie?
-Yeah, Ralphie.
-I'm sorry.
Just give me a second.
Just give me a second.
-Dog.
-You'd name it Dog?
-Yeah.
-Thank you.
Do you have internet?
I'm just wondering.
She doesn't, so.

This is taking too long.
What would you name this puppy?
Want to watch my face everyday at 4:00 PM?
-I'm usually--
-You're taking a long time to think about that.
-I'm usually busy at 4:00, unfortunately.
I'm out and about.
-What do you think about?

And there you have it.
No name yet for this puppy.
Back to you in the studio, Beth.
Thanks Beth.
Are you guys getting this?
Do you see what we're doing here?
Do you have a name for that puppy?
These are all very important questions.
Also, what do you think of my new home?
This is pretty cool, right?
And as far as we know, it is not haunted by the undead.

Now the same, however, cannot be said for the location of
our first video.
Now, we promised you guys premieres of My Damn Channel
original comedy series.
Hey, Jag.
And we deliver on our promises.
Please enjoy the premiere of Co-op of the Damned, Vacancy.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[TYPING]

-I am going to sell this apartment today.
SCARY VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Get out.
-Open house, Gary.
I put in on your calendar.
SCARY VOICE (OFFSCREEN): Oh, sorry.
[TYPING]
-This is just that perfect buttery, butternut,
Thanksgiving kind of family feeling.
You come in here with the family.
You have your latte, you--
[SCREAM]
-Would you like to see the kitchen?
[TYPING]
-Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.
Come and get it.
Come and get it.
Yes, yes, you're so hungry.
[TYPING]

-Was this really necessary?
SCARY VOICE (OFFSCREEN): When I get excited, I--
-Just, Gary, just don't.
[TYPING]

-Come on, Eric, will you clean this crap up?
No, it is not amazing.
I'm going to tell the creepy guy upstairs that you are
stealing his Wi-Fi.
-[ANGRY GRUNTING]
[TYPING]
-What's over here?
-That is your vortex.
-Huh?
-Did you read the ad?
It was walnut floors, dishwasher,
vortex straight to hell.
But I'm so sorry.
You're going to have to share laundry with the--
-Is, is the building haunted?
Like, built on an Indian burial ground or something?
-Well, it's Manhattan.
So everything's built on Indian burial ground.
-We'll take it.
-Great.
[HOWLING]
-Listen, by New York standards that was a mansion.
So If I could get some rent knocked for the whole haunted
thing, I'd go splitsies on that A-P-T with
the undead pig warrior.
OK, guys.
I'm all about self-assessment.
And I know we're only about five minutes
into this show's history.
But it's never too early to get some feedback from my
biggest fan and toughest critic, me.
So let's check in with Beth and see how she thinks it's
going so far.

Hey Beth.
Well?
Oh my God.
It's going so great.
All right.
I'm so glad you're into it.
Seriously, Beth, you look so good on camera.
Yay.
Yay.
I'm so glad you like it.
I mean, I know it's early.
But I was just thinking, like what's Beth thinking.
I'm thinking it's going great.
Your voice is tonally, like, right on.
Your make-up's still applied to your face.
It's awesome.
Are you almost done?
No, no, nope.
Just started.
I just wanted to check in.
I mean, you know me.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
I can only handle, like, three minutes of something.
And then it's like, did I get an email or, like,
what's going on.
Can you, can you stop checking your phone.
I need you to be there for me.
You're checking your phone.

Fine.
So what was more exciting this weekend,
Hunger Games or Madmen?
Good question.
Basically, we're debating Peeta versus John Ham, which
begs the question how young is too young?
Hey, remember how you're, like, hosting a show?
Yeah, isn't it so cool?
Are they still watching?

I'm going, I'm going to get back to the show.
Cool, I got go too.
This bowl of Raisin Bran and ice cream isn't
going to eat itself.
OK, no one wants to see that.
Thanks Beth.
Hey again.
All good.
So there's this guy named Matt McManus.
And he likes being inappropriate in public and
capturing it all on camera and then sending us the video.
Please enjoy the My Damn Channel premier of McMayhem.
Play it guys.
-What's up?
It's Situation Escalate.
I'm Stephen Seidel.
This is where Matt takes it a whole other level.
Who's ready for some public intimacy?
(THEME SONG): McMayhem, McMayhem, What?
You didn't know?
Nah, he ain't playing.

-Hey guys.
Grace here from Daily Grace.
I have news for you.
I will be hosting My Damn Channel LIVE every Thursday
starting March 29th.
So you should watch it.
Because if you don't, I will be devastated.
Bye.

-All right, you guys.
My Damn Channel is doing fantastic.
But we do need to get a little bit edgier.
Does anybody have any ideas?
-Um, what if we rename the channel my [BEEP]
[BEEP]
[BEEP]
channel.
-Too edgy.
Little bit.
Hey, I'm [? iJustine. ?]
And you're watching My Damn Channel LIVE.

-Has this ever happened to you?
Traditional garbage cans have maimed and disfigured dozens
of people around the world.
Even worse, with a normal garbage can, it often takes
one, two, three tries to get your garbage into the can.
That's why we invented the human garbage can.
For only $8.99 a month, we will supply you with a board
certified human garbage can.
Just hand them your trash, and they'll take care of the rest.
No mess.
No fuss.
And no more tears.
Cat litter, baked ziti, toilet drippings, the human garbage
can handle it all.
Don't worry.
They'll never judge.
These cans are completely self-sufficient.
Exemplary service 24 hours a day.
Each human garbage can comes with a two-year manufacturer's
warranty.
-[YELLING]
-We'll replace a defective can, no questions asked.
-[YELLING]
[BURBLING]
-Order yours today.
It's against company policy to sexually engage the human
garbage can.

-Time to play six degrees of My Damn Channel.
Are you ready?
Human garbage can is the brainchild of the group
Captain Hippo.
The human garbage can was played by a
guy named Henry Zebrowski.
Henry is in the sketch group Murderfist.
You can check out a ton of other Murderfist stuff right
on mydamnchannel.com.
I work at My Damn Channel.
And I actually read the book and saw the movie Sleepers
with Kevin Bacon.
Is that-- is that how this game works?
OK.
Remember how I told you to tweet me at THEBETHHOYT with
things to do to prove the show is live?
Well, we got a bunch of tweets.
And here's one.
It says, dance salsa.
You've got some smoking hips.
All right.
Thank you for the complement.
I do not love this idea.
I told you I'd do it.
I'm going to turn around because it makes me
uncomfortable.
OK, then you're all looking at my butt.
And that makes me more.
Is this it?
Is this it?
If I do it with this voice, does it take away the fact
that I'm embarrassed?

Now back to the videos.
We're going to be bringing you over 30 My Damn Channel
original comedy series.
But we have a feeling this is the one everyone is going to
be talking about.
We are so excited to be in business with this young man,
boy actually.
He's only four.
And we think you'll find his tutorials not just
entertaining and not just
educational but truly inspiring.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to introduce Ronnie Cox
in You Rock at Photoshop.
-(YOUNG CHILD'S VOICE) My name is Ronnie Cox.
And you rock at Photoshop.

You're not stupid, or ugly, or terrible.
You just have to believe in yourself.
And you can do anything.
I promise.
-(SUNG) Photoshop.
-I like robots.
I like pirates and Millennium Falcons.
We want to imagine that we have a pet robot that lives in
our back yard.
So let's put the flection in the window of our first
daddy's car.
Here's a good photo.
Let's find a robot we like.
Maybe you like robots with laser heads.
I like killer robots.
Open the image.
Select all.
Copy and paste into our car photo.
Now, go to the Edit menu.
Select Transform, Distort.
And move the handles until the robot lives, um, lives in the
robot, in the windshield.
Now, select Transform, Warp.
And let's shape the robot to the curves of the windshield.
Got it where we like it?
Now let's make it look really a flection in the glass.
Select the robot layer.
And click the layer property drop down.
Let's try this one.
Perfect.
Hi, Mommy.
[LAUGHS]
-What are you doing?
-I doing my Photoshop tutorial, [INAUDIBLE], like
you told me, Mommy.
So I can go to college and not ruin my life.
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-So that's how we make a robot pet.
Before and after.
I'm going to go make poops and get in my jammies.

-Ronnie Cox, everyone.
What a talented young boy.
OK, back to the grown-up videos now.
And we have some grownups behaving quite badly here.
It's the first installment in the Workless series from Brit
McAdams titled I Will Destroy You.
Enjoy the carnage.
-(SINGING) Workless, I spend the whole night drinking.
-Hey Alex, do you mind turning the radio off?
I have a lot of work to do.
-Oh yeah, yeah, right after this song.
[RADIO PLAYING]
-I'm serious.
I have a ton of work to do.
Would you please turn it off?
-It's, it's not even that loud, Jen.
And It's just the one song.
[RADIO PLAYING]
-Please.

[RADIO PLAYING]
-I'm serious.
-I'm serious.
-Turn it off.
-Make me.
-Just turn it--
turn it off, Alex.
This is immatu-- what?
What are you doing?
Turn it off.
Turn--
bitch!
-I'm sorry.
Did you just call me a bitch?
-Yeah I did, pussy.
-[LAUGHS]
All right.
-You're in my house.
-I turned it off.
You can't just sucker punch me.
What am I supposed to do?
-Fight like a man, bitch.
-All right, OK.
You wanted it, you got it.
Let's see what you got?
I've been waiting for this.
-Really?
-Yeah.
-I dream about this.
I'll fucking destroy you.
-Come on.
Let's see what you got, loc.
OK, OK, all right, all right.
Go to sleep.
-[GRUNTING]
-[SCREAMING]
-Hey, what are you guys doing?
-She tried to turn off my radio.
-Alex is a prick.
-This is not how you settle things.
Now let's do this clean and fair.
Ultimate fighting rules, no biting.
No hitting below the belt.
And no office equipment.
Let's get it on.
-Come on.
Right here.
Right here.
Come on.
All right.
OK.
You don't touch my radio.
[SCREAMING]
-A ha haw.
Ah, you said no biting.
-OK, come on now.
-It looks like Alex and Jen are finally going to settle
things.
-You're going to see it.
-Yeah?
-I got 20 on Jen.
-I will take that.
-Hit her in the face.
-Oh, what?
-Ah!
Ah.
-Come on.
Come on.
-This is new office equipment.
[YELLING]
Yes!
-Yeah!
-Do it!
-I'm done.
I'm done.
[YELLING]
-It's over?
It's over.
-Fuck you!
-Let's get this cleaned up.
-Who taps out after going off the top rope, man?
-That ho right there.
-I fucking hate her.
-Good work here today, really good.
-Thank you.
-Thank you very much.
-Whoo.

-You don't touch my radio.
-OK.
-You don't touch my radio.
-(YELLING) OK!

[RADIO PLAYING]
-There you are.
Hey, I have an office issue myself.
And now I know how I'm going to solve it.
I'm probably going to buy cupcakes, so.
You guys, you know Adult Swim.
You love Adult Swim.
Our first guest is the creator and star of Delocated, which
is in its third season of Adult Swim right now.
He's also been involved with just about, like, every comedy
show I love, Conan, 30 Rock, Human Giant, Curb Your
Enthusiasm.
I'm so thrilled to have him here.
Ladies and Gentlemen, our first live
guest ever, Jon Glaser.

-Whoo!
-Yay!
Thanks so much for being here.
Thank you Jon--
-Thank you having me.
- --for bring here, for being our first guest.
-I'm very excited.
And in honor of your first show, I got you
something very special.
-Oh.
-I brought you this lovely bouquet of subs.
-It's a sub bouquet.
-Get a nice shot of that.
That looks real nice.
-That's amazing.
-It's a bouquet of subs.
-All for me?
-All for you.
-And I also got you the greatest jersey in hockey.
-I was planning on having a big meal after the show.
-I brought you the greatest Jersey in hockey, Detroit Red
Wings.
-Absolutely.
Because wait.
You went to University of Michigan, right?
-I did go there.
I'm from the Detroit area.
-So did I. I went there too.
-But you're not from, you're not from the Detroit area.
-I'm not.
-But you have an appreciation for outdoors, and hockey, and
the greatest jersey in hockey.
-Yeah, I'm from Wisconsin.
So I love hockey.
-If you don't like that--
-I love it.
-Then I'll be happy to take it back.
-I love it so much.
I love it so much.
And I will treasure it.
And I'll sleep in it.
And I'll think about this.
-OK.
If for some reason you don't want it and you change your
mind, just give it to your producer.
-No, no way.
Absolutely not.
-And they can mail it to me.
-I totally want to keep it.
-Or I can meet her in Brooklyn.
-Or maybe I won't even wear it ever.
But I will always know that you gave it to me.
I really appreciate that.
And it is new.
-Your call.
-Just so you guys know.
-I mean, it is for you.
-It's totally new.
-But if you don't want it, I will take it back.
-Is the price on it?
It is.
It was pricey.
-Holy sh--
I don't want to swear.
That's a lot.
-Do we tell them?
I mean, it's--
-Yeah.
-Yeah, it's $125.
-$125.
-I definitely appreciate the money you put into that.
-When it's the best jersey in hockey, it's worth it.
Absolute--
I mean, I don't think it's necessarily the best.
That's not my favorite team.
But I totally appreciate having an expensive Jersey.
-It doesn't have to be your favorite team.
But it's the best jersey in hockey.
-Yeah.
-That, I think we can all agree on.
-I don't know, because--
I don't know.
I like when there's a blue involved.
-I know.
I do know.
-With blue in a jersey, I feel like you can wear
it with more things.
-OK, matter of opinion.
-These smell delicious.
I didn't eat much today.
So I'm planning on tapping into this.
You could probably have one of these though.
Sure.
-I'm full.
-I'd love to share these.
-Sure.
-So can we talk about Delocated in which you play a
fame-hungry man who's in the witness protection program, as
well as a reality show, that old plot line.
-Yeah, that chestnut cliche.
-Yeah.
And the third season is amazing.
And just has gone to all new levels of crazy and hilarity.
And we want to show a clip?
-Sure.
-Do you want to set it up?
I think it--
-This clip is from the episode that I think is
going to air this week.
And it's my character going out to the bar and
having a good time.
-Thank you.
Let's watch that clip, guys.
Delocated, season three.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Whoo!
Shots!

-Hey, man, let's get some more shots.
-Whoo!
Shots!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-(CHANTING) Body shots, body shots!
-Whoo!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMING]
-Shots!
-[LAUGHS]
Shots!
-So you're a father to a six-year-old?
-Mm hm.
Six-year-old and got a newborn--
-Ooh.
-Little girl.
-Congratulations.
-Thanks.
-What's your son into?
What do six-year-olds do?
Is he, like, a New York kid?
They, like, they're super smart already.
I bet he knows another language or something.
-He's very smart.
He's sharp.
He's cute.
-That's good.
-He's funny.
He asked me for a Yankees hat--
-Oh no.
-For his birthday.
He just turned six.
-And you're so--
-I'm from Detroit.
-You're such a big Tigers fan, huh?
-I was very upset.
Yeah.
Like, yeah.
It was--
-So what do you do about that?
Did you tell him, you know--
-I said you're a fool.
You've been seduced by pure awfulness.
But I will get it for you because I'm a great dad.
-Yeah, put yourself on top there that way.
Do you have to go to the games with him then, like,
act like you care?
-I'm sure I'll take him to a game.
-Or support him?
Support him fully like that?
-I guess.
I mean, I guess if that's what dads do.
If that's supporting him by taking him to the Yankees game
and enabling him to like a shitty team.
I'm sorry if I'm not allowed to swear, but.
-No.
On this show anything can happen.
-It's live, guys.
Let's just have fun.
-It's live.
-I'm sure I'll take him to the Yankees game.
And I'll wear my Tigers hat.
I think part of the reason he wanted the hat is that he
knows it kind of makes me mad, which I think is hilarious.
-Oh man.
-So if that's the reason, I think it's pretty funny.
-So he's already super smart.
And he's only six.
He's going to kick your butt.
What's going to happen when he's, you know, eight?
I don't know.
You're in for it.
-We'll see, yeah.
-And also you wrote a book about your dad that's so funny
called My Dead--
-My Dad--
My Dead Dad Was in ZZ Top.
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-And here's a copy of it, right?
-Yep, there's a copy right here on amazon.com.
And every other website you can get it.
If everyone goes to amazon.com and look-- is that
where you should go?
I just--
-That's probably the best place to get it.
-That's where I just bought a vacuum.
I just go there.
But that's-- yeah, if everyone goes there.
It's so funny.
I like the part about Fleetwood Mac's deals with
McDonald's, among other parts.
-It's a fun book.
-It's all true.
Unrevealed documents.
-Supposedly all true.
It's all fake.
But it's all true.
-Yeah.
-Yeah, absolutely.
-Yeah.
-And this is all live.
-This is all live.
-And we did it.
And I'm just so grateful to have these.
-You got the greatest jersey in hockey.
So what could be better?
-Again, I contest it, but I do appreciate the money you spent
on this and this.
-I didn't spend it.
Your show got it.
Thank you.
-Well, I'm going to totally tell myself
that it's from you.
And maybe I'll just keep the price tag in a frame.
Thanks, I appreciate that.
-Yeah, definitely, definitely.
No, I mean, I got it.
Of course I got it.
-I know.
-By way of asking someone on your show to get it for me--
-I appreciate you asking.
-To present it to you as a gift.
-It's a great honor.
Thank you Jon Glaser for being our first guest.
-Sure.
Thank you.
-That was awesome.
-I like that thing with the guy and the
hand and the escalator.
-Don't we all.
-Pretty funny.
And the puppy.
Give that puppy--
-What would you name that puppy?
-Give that puppy a name.
-What would you name it?
-That was my name.
Give That Puppy a Name is my name for the puppy.
-Will you put that in the box.
Put that in there.
Now let's get back to some videos.
And my advice for you guys for this first one is don't blink.
It's the Jon Friedman Internet Program.
Enjoy.

-(THEME SONG) It's the Jon Friedman internet program on
your world wide web.
[DIAL UP SOUNDS]
-No, no, no.
That's not for you.

I mean, I guess, if you want.
-(THEME SONG) It's the Jon Friedman Internet Program on
your world wide web.

-I'm here visiting beautiful Hollywood, California.
I don't want to spend thousands
of dollars on hotels.
So I'm Mark Malkoff.
I'm going to try to convince celebrities to allow me to
sleep over at their homes.
I'm going to contact celebrities by Facebook,
email, and letters.
Let's see how many I can get.
[YAWNS]
I'm here today with legendary comedian Buck Henry who is
responsible for The Graduate, Heaven Can Wait.
You hosted Saturday Night Live 10 times.
-True.
-Am I leaving anything out?
-Oh yeah.
-A lot of stuff?
-Oh yeah.
-Like many things?
-Well it's been, like, 50 years of stuff.
So yeah.
-Yeah.
You covered about two years.
-Do you have a star on The Walk of Fame?
-I have two.
-[LAUGHS]
Two?
-They're on top of each other.
-Wow.
You have a fake IMDB list here that says you
were the star of Ali.
Instead of Will Smith, you were Ali?
-No, that's ridiculous.
I played his son.
-Does it help to get the ladies with this fake IMDB?
-Oh, [BEEP]
yes.
-What's it like to be so famous, like, to not have
indoor plumbing?
-What indoor plumbing got to do with fame?
-I don't know.
I just thought you would have enough money to have a working
toilet.
-No, it's not about money.
It's about choice.
-I know, but all the jars of pee.
-What do you do with a pee jar?
You fill it, don't you?
-It's just a very, very odd thing.
-Something to drink?
-I'm going to say no.
-OK.
-So you're going to read me a story before I go to sleep or
as I go to sleep?
-Yeah, it might calm you.
The essays of Shaw on music.
Celine [INAUDIBLE], a French actress, was a noted exponent
of the grandest style of acting.
Celebrating--
this was a guy who knew how to construct really beautiful
things with words.
He was also a good kisser.
What they call a colossal success in New York since he
played here.
I associate this with myself because of my
various colossal successes.
-Yeah, that-- um, the book really just
didn't put me to sleep.
-Well, I can think of other ways to put you to sleep.
Can I have my hammer?

I think it's finally happening.
I think he's spinning toward dreamland.
So I'll just turn off the lights.

He sleeps beautifully.
[YAWN]
-This looks slightly different from most of the other homes
that I've stayed in.
-Little classier?
-Sh, sh, sh, sure.

-Hi, I'm Paul Feig.
And you are watching My Damn Channel LIVE right now.
It's happening right as you're watching it.
It couldn't get more live.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Hey, you know what?
I just got to tell you--
-Huh?
-Never in a million years did I imagine I'd be on a date
with a theater critic with the New York Times.
-David, this is our third date.
At some point you don't have to keep making reference to
the fact that I'm a theater critic for the New York Times.
-I'm so sorry.
I don't get to the third date that often.
And I get nervous, I mean, especially with a theater
critic with the New York Times.
Do you want to come in?
-Yeah, I mean, otherwise you'd have to drive me home.
-OK.
Just down here.
Walking is just a funny thing to do, right?
[LAUGHS]
My hallway.
It's not my hallway.
It's the building's hallway.
-David, relax.
You don't have to keep trying so hard to impress me.
I'm impressed.
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.
-Well then, what are you going to do about it?
-I don't know.
What do you want me to do about it?
You don't know?
-Maybe, uh, we just have to, like, think of something to
do.
-Yeah, we should try to put our heads together and think
of something--
-Maybe something will--
-To do.
-Come up.
-Finally, Guru Chicken.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were the dude delivering the chicken.
-Uh, Chez.
This is my neighbor.
This is Kelly.
-Hi.
-Hey, since when do hot girls named Kelly deliver chicken?
-I'm with David.
-Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, hooo.
OK, way to go Wayn-o.
Well, hey, I'm going to have to apologize to Ed McMahon for
this one, but here's Johnny.
[LAUGHS]
That is to say that, uh, I get a boner when I look at Kelly.
Hey, close the deal, Wayn-o.
-Who was that cheeseball?
He looks familiar to me.
-That's Chez Bretner.
He was on that show, Night Guard.
-Ew, he was one of the worst actors I've ever seen.
I wouldn't be caught dead having sex with
someone like Chez.
-That's good to know.
-Hey, do you have any photo albums?
I want to see what you looked like in high school, you know,
before you put on all the weight.
-Yeah.
I mean, I do.
But it would take me a few minutes to find them.
-I'm not going anywhere.
-Well, OK then.

Photo album, where's the photo album?
Where is the photo album?
There it is.
Oh good.
I have the photo album.
Kelly?
KELLY (OFFSCREEN): [MOANING]
Ooh, oh yes, oh God, Chez, Chez.
OK, now you've done it the normal way.
Now let's switch it around and do me in an atypical way.
Oh, oh, I'm the theater critic for the New York Times.
Ahh.

-Oh, David.
Oh my God, you're never going to guess what happened.
Uh, I went over to Chez's place to borrow a cigarette
and totally ended up hooking up with him.
How funny is that?

He's not my normal type.
But I was curious, you know?
I've always wanted to bag a famous guy.
Anyway, let's look at those photos of
you from high school.
But, uh, just two seconds, actually.
Because I wanted to find an ice pack.
Because I'm, like, really sore.
CHEZ (OFFSCREEN): Oh, finally, Guru Chicken.
I'm starving.
I just had sex.
[BLUES MUSIC]
-It's no wonder no one wants to have sex with me.
I got to just get my life together.
I mean, yeah, I have a really terrific car.
I mean, that's the one thing, an amazing new car, a Fiat.
[KNOCK]
-Ah!
-Hey, brother, I hope you're cool with how I porked your
girl last night.
I would have left it alone.
But I was really needing it.
I mean, I had a full round in me.
And she wanted it so bad.
You know, I mean, with all apologies to Pink, Mya, Lil
Kim, and Christina Aguilera, "voulez vous couchez avec moi
ce soir."
-You know what, Chez, it's fine.
-No.
I'm going to make it right between the
two of us, all right?
I'm buying you brunch.
I'm buying you brunch.
-No, no.
-I'm taking you out to brunch.
-I can't.
I'm going to hang myself today.
-No, no, no.
I'm not going to take no for an answer.
And we better hurry.
Because pretty soon it won't be brunch.
It'll just be lunch.

-Wainy Days, everyone.
And guess what?
Next Wednesday on My Damn Channel LIVE, David Wayne is
going to be our special guest.
I've been waiting to be his best friend for a while now.
We just haven't met.
So that's going to happen, just like Jon
Glaser and I. Sorry.
Is he calling me?
Oh he's just texting.
Sorry.
One second.
Thanks again for the jers.
You're the best.
I L-U-V you too.
OK, sorry.
Also we found our most valuable tweet today.
Remember, you were tweeting me instructions on something to
do to prove we're live.
And our MVT is, THEBETHHOYT, you rock.
So does that walrus on the wall.
Rub his nose for me.
It's done.
Nothing wrong.
This is the eas--
I can do this.
No prob-- ouch, ouch.
OK, here we go.
Rubbed it.
You like that?
Everything's alive.
Listen, you guys, my shift is over.
And it gets crazier tomorrow, even, because every Thursday,
My Damn Channel LIVE is hosted by the one
and only Daily Grace.
Are you excited for tomorrow's show Grace?
-(AUTOMATED VOICE) I am excited.
[CRICKET NOISE]
-Me too.
And I really just want to thank you for watching.
Mom, did you-- did you make it to the end?
OK.
Now don't forget to subscribe.
And I'll see you Friday at 4:00 PM Eastern on My Damn
Channel LIVE.
I'll be me.
You be you.
Now where's my white wine?
You got it?
[MUSIC PLAYING]