Hmmm. There aren’t any bids on my auctions.
Maybe my titles aren’t descriptive enough,
or maybe I shouldn’t be selling worthless, weird-smelling
garage sale style garbage with such a high starting bid,
or maybe I’m seeing the effects of a collapsing world economy.
But wait.
Ebay can’t be completely dead…
I mean, this guy selling old soiled super mario brothers bedsheets has a bid.
Oh, wait.
That’s my bid.
I figured I could resell those sheets to dumbasses on Etsy
who would cut them up and use them to make purses.
Whatever happened to the good old days of 2003 when I could list anything from a
scratched chumba wumba CD to my used panties
and get a bidding war started within the first hour.
Back then, product was secondary.
The only reason you’d bid on an item was so some other jerkoff couldn’t have it.
Shipping prices, the seller’s negative feedback…
None of that mattered as long as you came out on top as the Alpha bidder,
the sole survivor of a blood soaked bidding war.
It was the joy of Darwinian natural selection from the comfort of your own home.
You just wanted the satisfaction of, for once,
winning anything in your horrible little life.
Or, you wanted the satisfaction of knowing that if the dipshit bidding against you won,
he’d have to pay more thanks to your annoying, last minute bids.
But I guess people just aren’t interested in competitive consumerism in this new economy
where they can't afford heat.
Sigh. It’s the end of a golden age.
And who’s the real victim in all this?
Me, because if I can’t sell my scuffed and worn merchandise
to a worldwide network of idiots,
what in the hell am I supposed to do with it?
I guess I’ll just chuck it in the storm drain where I found it,
and it can go back to being a mattress for the homeless.
