RAP (Do's & Don'ts #7)

People need to know I’m chasing that paper. Champagne diet, for
SHUT UP!
Cartoons
What seems to be the problem, LaBarbeque?
It’s my dad. He wants me to be a rap artist.
Sounds fun!
But I’m only good at contemporary folk and interpretive natal pain
wailing.
Hip hop, named after bunnies who liked rhymes, went on to pave the
way for talented lyricists to express themselves in a powerfully
influential art form.
Two problems here: I’m not a rabbit; I’m allergic to rhyming. I
just don’t have the talent.
Nowadays, so long as you have voice modulators, a catchy beat, and a
YouTube account, actual talent can be a thing of the past!
Yes! Maybe I won’t have to go to the orphanage after all!
Let’s start by finding you an attractive name. Something adults
think is stupid but kids think is the next evolution in
colloquialisms.
Okie dokie.
Perfect!
What?
Now your very own first hit single. Remember, dumb it DOWN. People
don’t want social commentary, they want worded sound FX and dance
floor instructions.
Scratch n’ sniff?
Sounds good to me!
I want the song to tell everyone how much allowance I have and how
many girls I kiss.
And that’s what people want to know! If you confront a lyrical
writer’s block, feel free to liberally toss around expletives
like f--k, s--t, c--k, c--t, and the N word.
Strictly for my necrophiliacs.
This guy really speaks to me.
Now just get Lil’ Wayne on the track and for no good reason your
single will top the charts!
Wobble wobble, bling bling!
I like him because he speaks in sound FX.
And since his rhymes are terrible, they should be hypoallergenic to
you.
Yo, turn my snare up. Uh--uh. You crazy for this one, Wayne! Itcha
boy! Okie Dokie, let’s go.
Scratch n’ sniffy, scratch n’ sniffy—
Scratch n’ sniffy, scratch n’ sniffy--
Wobble wobble bling bling! Wobble wobble bling bling!
Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Now that you’ve rapped your story
you’re going to need to play the part.
People need to know I’m chasing that paper. Champagne diet, for
real.
And people will know that with your tricked out ride.
I roll on dubs. Like a boss.
Women will be regarded as bitches and ho’s, based on perceived
equivalence. Misogyny is encouraged.
Listen ho, I told you no crusts! How am I supposed to eat this?
It’s like someone took a s__t in my mouth. Do you enjoy taking a s__t
in my mouth? No... yeah, I know you’re sorry mom. Get it right
next time.
In time people may lose faith in your street cred. So think about
parlaying your success into credible business opportunties,
like the arms race.
Look, South Korea, you’re gonna LOVE these nukes!
Ah crap!
Every rap artist goes to prison at some point. Think of it as a
vacation and bonding opportunity with old friends.
Wobble wobble!
An now that you’ve successfully created a hardened image, it’s time
to crush it entirely and saturate your brand. Consider options like
energy drinks, colognes, and creating a girl band.
Ladies and gentlemen... PLACENTA!
Whatcha got there, LaBarbeque?
It’s a Tyler Perry script.
I play a wedding planner who’s also a clown. The bride is afraid of
clowns but I’m the only one who can pull this wedding off, so she has
to confront her clown fears and then I end up marrying her sister
on that same day, because it’s what’s on the inside that counts.
There’s also a message about family.
Congratulations LaBarbeque, you’re worth over $100M... go f__k
yourself.