When a Man You Love was Abused - Part 2 - Guest: Cecil Murphey - Host, Dr. Freda V. Crews


Uploaded by timeforhopeministry on 04.02.2011

Transcript:
>>STUDIES AND STATISTICS CONSISTENTLY REVEAL THAT
POSSIBLY ONE IN EVERY THREE GIRLS IN THE U.S. HAS BEEN
SEXUALLY ABUSED. BOYS ALSO EXPERIENCE SEXUAL ABUSE BUT AT A
LOWER RATE THAN GIRLS. SEXUAL ABUSE SETS CHILDREN UP FOR ALL
KINDS OF DEVELOPMENTAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, AND BEHAVIORAL
PROBLEMS. THESE CAN INCLUDE: REMAINING STUCK IN CERTAIN
STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT, DEPRESSION AND OTHER SERIOUS
MENTAL HEALTH DISORDERS, SHAME, LOW SELF ESTEEM, ALCOHOL AND
DRUG ADDICTION, PROSTITUTION, LACK OF TRUST, RELATIONSHIP AND
ESPECIALLY MARITAL INTIMACY DISTURBANCES. SEXUALLY ABUSED
CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS OFTEN CARRY THEIR SECRETS AND SHAME
FOR A LIFETIME AS A RESULT OF FEAR AND FEELINGS OF GUILT. I
REMEMBER THE STORY OF ONE YOUNG WOMAN WHO WAS SEXUALLY ABUSED BY
AN UNCLE FOR YEARS, BUT WAS AFRAID TO TELL HER MOTHER FOR
FEAR OF NOT BEING BELIEVED AND AFRAID TO TELL HER FATHER FOR
FEAR HE WOULD KILL THE PERPETRATOR. OTHERS HAVE
DEPOSITED THE PAIN AND TRAUMA SO DEEPLY WITHIN THEIR UNCONSCIOUS
SELVES THAT ONLY ANOTHER TRAUMA, RELATIONSHIP CRISIS OR OTHER
PRECIPITATING EVENT CAN OPEN THE WOUNDED SELF OR CONNECT WITH THE
LOST INNER CHILD THAT EXPERIENCED THE ABUSE. MOST OF
US WILL TRY TO BURY PAIN THAT IS TOO PAINFUL TO HANDLE, SO AS A
GENERAL RULE, DENIED PAIN HAS TO FIND A CRACK THROUGH WHICH TO
SURFACE SO THAT WE WILL SATISFY ITS DEMANDS FOR RELIEF AND
FREEDOM. UNGRIEVED LOSSES SUCH AS OUR INNOCENCE AND CHILDHOOD
MUST BE ACKNOWLEDGED AND GRIEVED. I HAVE TOLD MANY ADULT
CLIENTS THAT THEIR INNER CHILD KNOWS THE TRUTH OF WHAT HAPPENED
TO THEM AND WILL TUG AT THEM UNTIL THEY ARE HEARD AND
ACCEPTED AS BEING A PART OF WHO THEY ARE AS ADULTS. ACCEPTING
THE TRUTH CAN BE VERY PAINFUL, BUT ONLY TRUTH CAN SET ONE FREE.
STOP BELIEVING THE LIES THAT YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE SECRET AND
REMAIN A PRISONER OF YOUR PAST. FIND SOMEONE YOU CAN TRUST TO
SHARE IT WITH. IT MIGHT FIRST BE A FRIEND AND THEN A SPIRITUAL
LEADER OR DIRECTOR, SCHOOL GUIDANCE COUNSELOR OR
PROFESSIONAL MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR. REFUSE TO BELIEVE THE
LIE THAT YOUR PAST DETERMINES YOUR FUTURE. WITH APPROPRIATE
HELP YOU CAN MOVE FORWARD TO A NEW BEGINNING. AND RECEIVE THE
TRUTH THAT A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST CAN SET YOU FREE.
HE ALREADY KNOWS ABOUT YOUR PAST AND PAIN AND IS READY AT ANY
GIVEN TIME TO PROVIDE THE HOPE OF RECOVERY, HEALING AND FREEDOM
THAT YOU NEED. IT'S YOURS FOR THE SEEKING AND ASKING. (MATT
11:28-30; ROM 15:13: HOLY BIBLE.
>>THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH US ON TIME FOR HOPE OUR GUEST FOR
TODAY IS CECIL MURPHEY AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HIS BOOK WHEN THE
MAN YOU LOVE WAS ABUSED. AND CECIL WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
SEXUAL ABUSE. YOU MIGHT HAVE ALSO EXPERIENCED PHYSICAL ABUSE?
>>I DID.
>>I HAD WONDERED ABOUT THAT AND READING YOUR BOOK AND YOU
DESCRIBING THE FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN AND SO FORTH.
>>MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC AND VERY VIOLENT BUT ONLY ON THE
WEEKENDS. HE NEVER MISSED A DAY OF WORK BUT FROM FRIDAY NIGHT
UNTIL SUNDAY, YOU KNOW A RAGING- USED TO BEAT ME A LOT AND ONE
WAY I SURVIVE THAT WAS I STOPPED FEEDING. THAT IS TRUE WITH A LOT
OF KIDS WHO ARE BEATEN. SO SEXUAL ABUSE CAME ALONG AND
AGAIN IT JUST FIT RIGHT IN WITH IT. YOU ASKED THE QUESTION ABOUT
MEMORIES. NOT ONLY DID I NOT HAVE MEMORIES, BUT I WAS NOT
AWARE OF FEELING. THINGS WERE GETTING TENSE FOR ME AND I WOULD
JUST NUMB OUT. FEEL NOTHING. AND THAT'S AGAIN VERY TYPICAL.
MY RECOVERY BEGAN, I AM A RUNNER, RUN EVERY DAY AND I RUN
LIKE 6 MILES A DAY, AND ONE DAY I RAN I THINK IT WAS 12 MILES. I
HADN'T CRIED IN 40 YEARS. I WAS RUNNING IN ABOUT A MILE BEFORE I
GOT HOME, I STARTED CRYING, AND IT WAS JUST CONVULSIVE CRYING
AND THIS WAS JUST SO STRANGE TO ME I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING
ON. AND THEN A FEW MEMORIES STARTED TRICKLING THROUGH. AND I
REMEMBER THE OLD MAN AND I REMEMBER THE WOMAN WHO WOULD
ABUSE ME AND I GOT HOME AND I WAS A MESS. FOR DAYS, ALL I
WANTED TO DO WAS CRY. I HADN'T CRIED IN 40 YEARS SO MAYBE I'VE
BEEN SAVING IT UP. BUT THAT WAS THE BEGINNING AND YOU KNOW I
THINK SOMETIMES WE THINK MEMORIES ARE LIKE PUTTING A FISH
HOOK IN THE WATER AND YOU PULL 'EM ALL UP INTACT. AND THAT'S NOT
TRUE AND IT CERTAINLY WASN'T TRUE WITH ME.
>>WHILE THE BODY HAS A WAY OF PROTECTING ITSELF. WE HAVE A WAY
OF PROTECTING OURSELVES ALSO. IT IS LIKE EVEN GRIEF EARLY ON,
THE STAGE OF SHOCK, IS THERE. SO YOU WERE PROTECTING YOURSELF BY
NOT ALLOWING ALL OF THEM TO SURFACE
>>WELL ABSOLUTELY.
>>IF THEY HAD JUST ALL COME OUT AT ONE TIME THAT OF COURSE
SOMETIMES HAPPENS WITH PTSD, THEN THERE IS NO TELLING WHAT
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AT THAT TIME SO YOU WERE LOOKING AFTER
YOURSELF IN A WAY WHERE GOD WAS LOOKING OUT. THERE IS A QUESTION
ANYWAY WITH GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE GONE THROUGH AND OTHERS
HAVE GONE THROUGH. WHERE IS GOD WHEN ALL OF THIS IS GOING ON?
AND HE WAS LOOKING AFTER YOU.
>>THAT'S RIGHT. WELL MY MEMORIES STARTED COMING BACK IN VERY
SMALL BITS OKAY. PIECE BY PIECE. EVEN NOW AFTER ALL THESE YEARS,
OCCASIONALLY SOMETHING WILL COME UP AT LIKE FLASHBACKS
MOMENTARILY, BUT BACK IN THOSE EARLY DAYS JUST LITTLE THINGS
AND YOU ASKED BEFORE THE BREAK ABOUT HOW I KNEW THEY WERE
REAL. FRANKLY I HOPE THEY WEREN'T REEL. I HOPE I HAD
IMAGINED THEM.
>>DID YOU TRY TO KEEP DENYING THEM EARLY ON?
>>WELL NO, I KNEW THEY WERE REAL. BUT THERE WAS ALSO THIS
PART OF ME, SO ONE DAY I TALKED TO MY SISTER, THE ONE WHO HAD
BEEN ABUSED AND WE WERE TALKING AND I MENTIONED MR. LEE WHO HAD
ABUSED ME AND SHE SAID OH I HAD FORGOTTEN THAT, BUT I KNEW SHE
HADN'T. AND WE STARTED TALKING AND SHE CONFIRMED A LOT OF MY
MEMORIES. AND THEN THE WOMAN WHO HAD ABUSED ME, I HAVE THREE
SISTERS, A SECOND SISTER, AND I MENTIONED THIS AND SHE SAID,
WELL I DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BUT I AM NOT SURPRISED. THAT'S WHEN I
FOUND OUT THAT THAT WOMAN HAD BEEN ABUSED. SO THAT WAS REALLY
HELPFUL AND SOMETIMES THESE MEMORIES WILL COME BACK AND I
WOULD CALL MY SISTERS AND ASKING THEM. I HAVE TWO YOUNGER
BROTHERS WHO HAVE DIED OF ALCOHOLISM AND I AM QUITE SURE THEY
WERE ABUSED BY THE SAME FEMALE RELATIVE. AND MAYBE THE MAN, BUT
CERTAINLY THE FEMALE RELATIVE. THEY NEVER FULLY DENIED IT
EXCEPT ONE TIME I SAID SOMETHING TO MY BROTHER ABOUT HIS DRINKING
AND HE SAID, YOU DON'T GET IT. THE ONLY TIME I DON'T FEEL PAIN,
IS WHEN I AM DRINKING. AND I REALIZED THAT THAT'S HOW HE
COPED, AND HE DIED AT AGE 48.
>>THAT'S WHAT ALCOHOLISM VERY OFTEN IS ABOUT, TRYING TO DROWN
ONE'S PAIN OR MEDICATE ONE'S PAIN.
>>WELL AND WE ALL HAVE FORMS OF SELF MEDICATION, AND MINE WAS
DENIAL. WHICH WAS AMNESIA IN MY CASE, NOT REMEMBERING IT. AND I
WAS ABLE TO COPE, THE PROBLEM IS THAT IF YOU DENY THE NEGATIVE
EMOTIONS, YOU ALSO TEND TO DENY THE POSITIVE.
>>WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO STOP, ONCE WE START DENYING
EMOTIONS, THEN WHO CALLED THE SHOT AS TO WHICH ONES ARE DENIED
AND WHICH ONES ARE ALLOWED TO BE, OR WE ALLOW TO EXPERIENCE.
NOW DID YOU TURN TO A COUNSELOR? DID YOU TURN TO ANYONE FOR HELP?
>>I AM NOT OPPOSED TO THAT, BUT I DIDN'T. REMEMBER, MINE IS THE
TRUST FACTOR. I COULDN'T TRUST ANYBODY THAT I HAD TO PAY, AND I
KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT I JUST COULDN'T TALK TO THEM. BUT
I HAD TWO PEOPLE, MY WIFE, HONESTLY SHE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT
SEXUAL ABUSE, BUT SHE SAID, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS BUT I LOVE
YOU AND I AM HERE TO HELP IN ANYWAY I CAN. THE OTHER WAS MY
BEST FRIEND. HE HAD BEEN MY BEST FRIEND FOR 31 YEARS. AND WHEN
MEMORIES STARTED COMING BACK, I CALL HIM AND TALK TO HIM. AND HE
HAS BEEN THERE FOR ME THE WHOLE TIME.
>> AND HE, INTERESTINGLY, I NOTED THAT RIGHT AWAY. HE IS
LIKE A HEAVENLY FATHER. HE WAS NOT GOING TO ABUSE YOU, HE DID
NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR NEED OF HAVING HIM AS A FRIEND AND
CONFIDANT AND COMPANION, DID HE?
>>HIS NAME IS DAVID, DAVID AND MY WIFE HAVE BEEN THOSE TWO
CONSTANT FACTORS. LATER ON, I WAS INVOLVED...
>>WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF TIME, SO LET ME GET THIS IN BECAUSE
YOU'RE FOCUSING YOUR BOOK ON WOMEN WHO LOVE MEN THAT HAVE
BEEN ABUSED. AND YOU SAY RECOVERY DOES REQUIRE THAT YOU
HAVE A STRONG WIFE, IF YOU ARE MARRIED, A WISE COUNSELOR,
YOU HAD YOUR FRIEND AND CONFIDANT AND
EFFECTIVE CHURCH HELPS ALSO, THAT WOULD UNDERSTAND, IF YOU
WENT PUBLIC WITH IT, AND SOMETIMES CHURCHES CAN HANDLE
THESE THINGS EITHER. CAN THEY? THEY FIND IT DIFFICULT. NOW
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE. THAT SOUNDS GOOD LET'S GO OUT WITH
WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.
>> IF A WOMAN WANTS TO HELP THE MAN SHE LOVES, THE BEST THING
SHE CAN DO IS LISTEN, LISTEN AND SHUT UP. LISTEN AND DON'T EVER
TELL ANYBODY UNLESS HE GIVES YOU PERMISSION. YOU SEE HE NEEDS TO
BE ABLE TO TRUST HER, BECAUSE THE PEOPLE THAT HE TRUSTED IN
HIS CHILDHOOD ABUSED HIM. IF HE CAN TALK TO HER AND SHE LISTENS
AND DOESN'T TRY TO HEAL, THAT'S WHAT THERAPISTS DO. SHE JUST
LISTENS AND LOVES HIM AND MAKES HIM KNOW THAT HE IS WORTHWHILE.
>>UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. ACCEPTING WHAT YOU TELL HER BY BEING
WILLING TO LISTEN AND NOT HAVE ADVICE TO GIVE OUT. RIGHT?
>>VERY GOOD.
>>WELL CECIL, YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB, AND I REALLY
ENCOURAGE OUR VIEWERS, AND I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN, TO GET A
COPY OF YOUR BOOK AND I CERTAINLY PRAY THE LORD WILL
BLESS YOU AS YOU CONTINUE SPREADING THE WORD. IT'S NOT
SOMETHING YOU'RE HAPPY ABOUT, BUT IT IS SOMETHING THAT IS
NEEDED TO BE TALKED ABOUT, AND YOU HAVE DONE A WONDERFUL JOB,
MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU AND THANK YOU FOR COMING ON TIME FOR HOPE.
AND I HAVE SOME MORE TO SHARE WITH YOU ACTUALLY I HAVE A
LETTER TO SHARE WITH YOU. [LETTER FROM VIEWER]
>>AND WE WERE VERY HAPPY THAT WE WERE ABLE TO BE THERE WHEN THIS
PERSON REALLY NEEDED US. WE FIND IT VERY ENCOURAGING WHEN YOU
TAKE THE TIME TO LET US KNOW HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE THE MINISTRY
OF TIME FOR HOPE AS WE SEEK TO ADDRESS ANY AND ALL ISSUES AND
SITUATIONS THAT ARE RELATED TO LIVING LIFE ON ITS TERMS. IT HAS
BEEN SAID THAT "LIFE IS HARD." AND THIS CAN BE TRUE FOR
EVERYONE, AND OUR UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS RELATED TO THE WAY
LIFE IS SUPPOSED TO CAN BECOME PART OF THE PROBLEM, BECAUSE IT
DOES NOT ALWAYS TURN OUT TO BE THE WAY WE EXPECT IT TO BE. OUR
VISION AND MISSION FOR THE MINISTRY OF TIME FOR HOPE IS TO
BE THERE FOR EVERYONE WE CAN WHEN THEY MUST ACCEPT THE
REALITY THAT LIFE CAN BE VERY HARD. LIFE, AT TIMES, HAS BEEN
HARD FOR OUR GUEST, CECIL MURPHEY BECAUSE OF WHAT SOMEONE
CHOSE TO DO TO HIM AT AN EARLY AGE. I ENCOURAGE YOU TO GET A
COPY OF HIS BOOK FOR YOURSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE WHO NEEDS TO FIND
THE HOPE AND FREEDOM THAT CECIL HAS FOUND. OUR GOAL FOR THIS
PROGRAM IS TO CHALLENGE ALL OF OUR VIEWERS TO HOPE AND BELIEVE
THAT THINGS CAN CHANGE FOR THE BETTER IN SPITE OF THEIR PRESENT
CIRCUMSTANCES. AND WE BELIEVE THAT A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP
WITH JESUS CHRIST, ALONG WITH THE EXPERIENCES AND DIRECTIONS
OF PEOPLE HE HAS CALLED AND GIFTED TO SHARE THEIR STORIES,
PROVIDES A GREAT COMBINATION TO PROVIDE THIS HOPE FOR THEM. WILL
YOU HELP US CONTINUE MINISTERING TO PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING THROUGH
HARD TIMES IN THEIR LIVES? ANY AND ALL GIFTS TO THIS MINISTRY
ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED AND HELP US KEEP ASSURING OUR VIEWERS
THAT IT IS ALWAYS TIME FOR HOPE. YOU MAY CALL US AT
1-800-669-9133 OR WRITE US AT P.O. BOX 2169, SPARTANBURG, SC
29304, OR GO TO OUR WEBSITE AT TIMEFORHOPE.ORG.
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