Hi, I'll be getting to the news in just a moment. But first of all I want to wish everybody
out there a very happy new year. Reflecting back over 2009, it certainly was one filled
with sadness and joy. And a lot of stupidity. But next year this time, you will have long
forgotten Tiger's 50 women, who the hell Jon & Kate were, and who Bernie Madoff is snuggling
up to in his cell. So, here's my year in review and let's hope that 2010 brings on a whole
new group of poor misguided souls to make fun of. Now here's to the best of 2009.
History was made, when Barack Obama was sworn in as our 44th President. Now brining these
three into position of the most powerful people in America, also known as, The Good The Bad
and the Ugly. Noted as one of the most interesting women
of 2009 by Entertainment Tonight, was Kate Gosselin. I'm sorry, the only thing that I
thought was interesting about her, was her hair style, the 21st centuries answer to the
female mullet. This year saw a change in life style for Chaz
Bono. Her decision to undergo an identity change, prompted a toy company to create an
anatomically correct action figure, due out by next Christmas, sex to be determined at
a later date. One of the biggest stories of the year was
Tiger Woods infidelities and the auto accident that led up to the scandal. We've have just
discovered rare home footage of Tiger as a boy, proving that history does indeed repeat
itself. The big news on the awards scene was when
Kanye West took the microphone away from Taylor Swift during an acceptance speech at the MTV
Video Awards. Thus making Kanye as unpopular as the Black Eyed Peas would be without Fergie.
In a stunning announcement this year, Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Proving that
with hope there is success. With dreams there is reality. And in other stunning news, Glenn
Beck just won a Pulitzer Prize for his book, Arguing With Idiots, Bernie Madoff won the
Nobel Prize for Economics and Tiger Woods was just named Man of the Year by the National
Organization For Women. Now where's my Emmy? Oj Simpson spent his first full year of incarceration
proving that there is justice in the world. And now word comes that OJ has found a new
love. Let's all wish him success with his new bitch the balloon boy dad.
Ending up the year was news that again, Charlie Sheen threatened a woman, his wife Brooke
of 5 years, with a knife and spent most of Christmas behind bars. And this is just one
in a long list of abuses Sheen has inflicted upon women throughout the years. Now I realize
who the half refers to in the title of his show Two and a Half Men.
Dominating the news for the final week of 2009 was the story of a suspected terrorist
enroute from Amsterdam to Detroit who tried to blow up the plane upon arrival. You know,
there's one thing I've noticed that all these guys seem to have in common. Here's Richard
Reed, the shoe bomber,and here's the mastermind of 911, and here's a guy whose name I can't
even begin to pronounce. Who knows. What do they all have in common? They're all butt
ugly. So here's my new idea for screening passengers. If you look good, you're on, but
if you look like this, sorry, it's Amtrak for you. This one, sure, this one, sorry,
nope, this one, well, this one could go either way, Oh, hell no!
And finally, during an interview regarding the recent terrorist attack attempt in Detroit,
Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano did a flip flop when she first announced that
the system was running smoothly but then later changed her satement that the system hadn't
been running smoothly at all. Way to go Janet. It's no wonder that President Obama is seriously
thinking about replacing her with someone more qualified. Like this man.
And that's the news. We'll be right back with my first guest.