Picking up Dan St. Germain LIVE! - 11/7/12

[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey guys, don't forget to get
out and vote today.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi guys, welcome to "My Damn Channel LIVE." I'm
Beth Hoyt and we've got a great show today.
Dan St. Germain, a rising star, a fantastic stand-up
comic, a buddy of mine, also the star of the My Damn
Channel original series "Kicking Dan Out" will be
joining us shortly.
First though, of course, yesterday was election day.
I don't know if you heard about that.
I think it was trending for a minute there.
And keeping most of us up all night long.
Some people got anxiety ulcers.
Meanwhile, here at "My Damn Channel LIVE," we had an
election day of our own.
I know you've all been waiting to find out the winner.
It was a really close election and we were up late into the
night tallying up the votes.
But by a slim margin, six votes,
keyboard cat was the victor.
Or as some of you voted, the pink one.
I will wear it proudly today and at least four more times.
Four more wears!
Four more wears!
And that is all the election coverage you will hear from me
today because this is a fun zone here at "My Damn Channel
LIVE," you're safe from serious talk here.
Unless I start talking about Dwight Howard's shoulders.

I went into a place for a minute there.
OK.
First up in the fun zone, Nate's facial hair.
Nate, get out here.
OK.
Nate, can you tell anyone who doesn't know what is going on
with your face.
NATE: Yeah.
Last Wednesday we did a Google Hangout and somebody watching
the show challenged me to do No Shave November.
BETH HOYT: And you love a challenge.
NATE: Especially one where I don't have to do anything.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
NATE: So I am going to not shave the entire month of
November and put up a picture every day on my Tumblr.
BETH HOYT: And you're going to talk about it on your blog?
NATE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: You guys should subscribe now to okaynate.
It's his vlog and it's really funny, actually.
And guess what, everybody?
The guys from "Whisker Wars" are going to be here on the
show at the end of the month and they're going
to shave Nate live.
They're going to shape your facial hair.
NATE: Oh boy.
BETH HOYT: They're going to put in a shape.
NATE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Like a lightning bolt or something.
Is that OK with you?
NATE: Yeah, why not?
BETH HOYT: You're our human prop.
NATE: Pretty much.
BETH HOYT: OK.
And you guys at home are going to have a chance to vote on
exactly how we're going to shave Nate's face.
So stay tuned for details.
Are you excited about that?
NATE: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Get back to work.
Thanks.
I also want to get in on this No Shave November, but my face
doesn't work that way.
So I ordered a Chia Pet.
It hasn't arrived, but it will soon.
And we'll see if that grows faster than Nate's face.
OK.
That's the update on Nate.
We'll be right back with Dan St. Germain.
And we're going to do the baby food challenge.
I'm so excited.
Wait, should I-- or should I actually be scared?
I don't-- we'll find out.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[DIALUP TONE]

SLASH: I think I'll wear this giant hat today.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hey look, it's the comedian star of "Kicking Dan
Out," Dan St. Germain.
Hi, Dan.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Hey.
BETH HOYT: How you doing?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm good.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: How are you, Beth?
BETH HOYT: I'm great.
So Dan, we're not dwelling on the election today or like
hurricane stuff because this is like a fun zone.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: We're in a fun zone.
BETH HOYT: We want to talk about baby food and important
things like that.
But I know you probably have thoughts on the important
things that are happening in New York.
So I want to give you like 15 seconds to get it out so you
can just like then have fun.
Is that cool?
Do you have anything you want to unload about the election
or the hurricane?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, actually, I do.
BETH HOYT: You have 15 seconds.
Can we get that like on the clock?
OK.
Ready?
Go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Folks, the hurricane has
devastated the city.
And to prevent me from getting affected by hurricanes in the
future, I'd like you to donate to Dan's Hurricane Fund.
You can just give me your social security number or
credit card info.
BETH HOYT: Well, OK.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: We can work it out.
BETH HOYT: Do you live near water?
Were you in danger?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, I'm completely landlocked.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Great.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I just--
I need to pay for Netflix this month and
it's been really rough.
BETH HOYT: Gotcha.
OK, and time's up.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thanks.
BETH HOYT: Thank you, Dan.
OK, do you feel better?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I feel great.
BETH HOYT: Great.
Now we can focus on having fun.
Dan--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Fun province.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
We have lots of time to probe you around with penetrating
questions about your life and your work.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, sounds good.
BETH HOYT: So you guys put your penetrating--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Make me feel good.
BETH HOYT: --comments in the chat.
But first, it's time to put things in our mouth.
This is coming out all wrong.
That's what he said.
OK.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Geez.
BETH HOYT: All right, listen--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You're like Hugh Grant.
BETH HOYT: Oh my.
You guys have all seen the pros doing this.
It's challenging.
Well, I've seen it a bunch of times.
Tyler Oakley and Alfie did a great version.
This is our first time.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: Stand-up my first time.
We're taking on the Baby Food Challenge.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: OK, you all know how this works.
But for those of you who don't, maybe Dan, we've got
three flavors of baby food each.
We're going to take turns being blindfolded and trying
to guess what the flavor of the baby food
is that we are tasting.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, let's do this.
BETH HOYT: I think it's going to be delicious.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's going to be--
I've eaten [INAUDIBLE].
I've eaten those dog beggin' strips before.
So you know--
BETH HOYT: Oh no.
I was wondering where that-- where this was going to go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, I was going to go combos, then I'm
like, that's definitely not as disgusting.
BETH HOYT: That's delicious.
All right, well, you're up first.
We have some--
I don't even know what's under these at all.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right.
BETH HOYT: Let's go put that on.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, here we go.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Oh no, it's not that one.
I didn't look.
Don't worry.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: I didn't look.
I didn't look.
I opened the wrong one.
Duh, it's mine.
OK.
Here we go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: Let's do this one first.
No, let's do this one first.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [CHUCKLE].
BETH HOYT: Yeah, got it, Trent?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Ahh.
BETH HOYT: Sorry.
Oh no, I'm sorry.
I didn't even get out your name wrong.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I feel like this is how every Cinemax
softcore porn starts.
BETH HOYT: OK.
There we go.
It's in.
Close up.
Chew on it.
I got a little bit in your beard there.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: A little bit more.
BETH HOYT: OK.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: So you're doing No Shave November, huh?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Let's do it.
BETH HOYT: What are you thinking?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Little bit more if that's OK.
BETH HOYT: What are you tasting?
All right, here.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: A little bit more.
I just--
BETH HOYT: Really going to just like--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mmm.
BETH HOYT: I got more here.
Just stick it in.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [INAUDIBLE].
Mmm.
BETH HOYT: All right, we'll just-- this is how--
this is like feeding my nephews.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, god.
BETH HOYT: Except they don't have the beard.
That'd be weird.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Do I have to think?
This is disgusting.
BETH HOYT: So can you guess what it is?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is like my grandfather at the end.
BETH HOYT: Ooh, close, close.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Is it applesauce?
BETH HOYT: Close.
It is--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's apple pie?
Apples?
BETH HOYT: It's apples and apricots.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Ah, all right, I was close.
BETH HOYT: All right, up next is, here we go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I get more?
BETH HOYT: You have three.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh wow, I shouldn't have eaten that much
apples and apricots.
BETH HOYT: Hang in there.
No, it's all right, it's going to get more delicious.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Damn you, comedy bit.
BETH HOYT: Well, let's-- fine, this is all very nutritious.
Oh my god, this one has a big chunk.
We're going to give you the chunk first.
So this one you can chew on a little bit.
All right, so I'm sorry if that chunk is because old or--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: KFC double down.
BETH HOYT: KFC double down--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, that's like potato, right?
BETH HOYT: Incorrect.
Mmm.
It is corn and butternut squash.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Cum!
Corn, that's it.
Corn.
I almost said the C-word accidentally.
BETH HOYT: Are you OK?
This is taking a toll.
I'm getting nervous now.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is not helping my diabetes
medication.
BETH HOYT: This one is really good.
All right, this is going to be delicious.
Hope you've saved up some space in your belly.
I don't want to be mean and give you a huge bite because
then you might do it to me too.
All right, this is a big bite.
[GIGGLE].
Sorry.

Did you guys see what this is?
Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Squash?
BETH HOYT: Ooh, that's part of it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Squash--
butternut squash?
No, it's not butter.
BETH HOYT: It's-- keep going.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Squash--
BETH HOYT: This is for six months and up
so it is for you.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: A gourd, like a gourd.
BETH HOYT: Close.
Yeah, you're close.
Want to try a little more?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Pumpkin squash?
BETH HOYT: We need a lot more.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, I'm OK.
I think I'm good.
Pumpkin squash--
BETH HOYT: Oh, it's close.
I'll tell you what it is.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Ugh.
BETH HOYT: Actually, you can take off--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Could I take-- this is so
disgusting right now.
BETH HOYT: You can take the blindfold off.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: How does my face--
BETH HOYT: I like this being the first part of--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Where's my face look--
OK, it's off
BETH HOYT: --the segment.
This is what it is.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Vegetable turkey dinner?
BETH HOYT: So you were really close.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That one was really gross.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Here, I got some in this beard.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm so glad--
how much did I eat of that one?
BETH HOYT: How do you handle having this beard?
How often does this happen that you're like,
oh, there was lunch?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All the time.
Yeah, just take it out and a dove flies through.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
That'd be amazing.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Has that happened?
That'd be incredible.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's happened before.
That's how I impress women.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
So sorry.
All right, I'm ready to go now.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK, you're ready?
Do I--
I have to take a new one.
BETH HOYT: Don't give me huge bites.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: How's--
BETH HOYT: Hey, these are the spoons for me.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK, sweet.
BETH HOYT: Just be-- just don't hurt me with grossness.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'll just punch you in the face.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
What does that taste like?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You guys didn't open these for me.
It was in my rider.
Shit.
BETH HOYT: Oh no, don't--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I picked it up.
BETH HOYT: Oh no.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [LAUGHS].
BETH HOYT: OK.
I'm prepared.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, here we go.
BETH HOYT: Oh god.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You ready for this?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Actually, I think it's going to be delicious.
That's what I tell myself.
I think I'm going to love it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is a tiny bite.
BETH HOYT: Oh god.
No, it's not.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yes, it is.
It's tiny.
BETH HOYT: I can tell by the way you're--
I can smell it already.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, come on.
BETH HOYT: Ugh.
[GAGGING].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, what is it?
BETH HOYT: Mmm.
Mmm.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is weirdly
sensual, don't you think?
No?
BETH HOYT: No.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No?
All right.
I'm into weird stuff.
BETH HOYT: Ooh, actually, that wasnt that bad.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No?
BETH HOYT: It's uh, putty.
Like some sort of silly putty.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Uh, sorry, human shit.
BETH HOYT: Oh, gross.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm just joking.
It's uh--
BETH HOYT: I get them mixed up.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you ready?
It's not human silly putty.
BETH HOYT: No, it was--
it's something fruity.
It's like a dried fruit.
It's apricot something.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah. a dry--
BETH HOYT: It's apricot with baby phlegm.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No.
BETH HOYT: No?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you done?
Are you giving up?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, tell me what it is.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Prunes and oatmeal.
BETH HOYT: And oatmeal?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Training babies to
be old people, everybody.
BETH HOYT: God.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I guess that's what that's all about.
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah, it's like that just-- yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, here we go.
BETH HOYT: Going to have to take a bathroom break in like
two seconds with prunes and oatmeal puree.
Excuse me.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [LAUGHS].
BETH HOYT: This is sexy, right?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Here we go.
BETH HOYT: You like this?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Can we get a shot of this?
OK, ready?
BETH HOYT: Uh-huh.

DAN ST. GERMAIN: What do we got?
BETH HOYT: Ohh.
Oh, man.
Oh boy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: I liked the prunes and oatmeal.
I'd take that one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: This one is--
the texture is more watery.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: And tastes like stale coffee.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Right.
BETH HOYT: Coffee gravy.
Coffee gravy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Right.
BETH HOYT: God, that's awful.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yes.
It is--
BETH HOYT: Poor babies.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I know.
Keep going.
What the other one?
BETH HOYT: Coffee gravy and like green beans?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Hobo grease.
That's actually what it is.
BETH HOYT: Oh gosh.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, it is--
BETH HOYT: Oh, I don't know if I want to know.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's sweet potato.
See, it's not that bad.
BETH HOYT: No, it is not.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yes, it is.
It's sweet potatoes.
BETH HOYT: Tell you what, babies.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sweet potatoes.
BETH HOYT: If you're watching, when you get older, sweet
potatoes do not taste like that.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, sweet potatoes taste a lot better.
BETH HOYT: They are delicious when you're an adult.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: That is-- no wonder kids don't like vegetables.
They have memories of this and they're like, no, keep
it away from me.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm sorry, was this on yours where
there's like a baby--
there's babies farming?
BETH HOYT: No.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Like that's the picture.
It's a baby--
BETH HOYT: I think we all need to take a closer look.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: What kind of child labor law--
what kind of child labor law is this violating right now
that like--
BETH HOYT: This feels real weird doing this blindfolded.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's an American baby.
I can understand if it's a Chinese baby, that's, you
know, that happens in labor laws, you know.
But that's why we should get fair trade.
I'm not saying that that's a cool thing to have Chinese--
I'm not saying that.
I point to the one Asian guy in the room right now.
BETH HOYT: I'm having such a weird experience being
blindfolded.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I do not support Nike factories.
That's what I'm trying to say.
BETH HOYT: Me either.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, last one.
BETH HOYT: Give me the third one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Do we have a third spoon?
BETH HOYT: I feel like I'm floating right now.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Should I just wipe it off?
BETH HOYT: Is there drugs in these?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Wipe it off or--
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: Oh no.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This would be the creepiest--
BETH HOYT: Just put it in my mouth.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: --way to date rape somebody if I put a
roofie in here.
BETH HOYT: Yes.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Like why are you already eating--
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
That would be--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Like why would the girl be eating baby
food in the first place?
BETH HOYT: It'd be the-- yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, here we go.
BETH HOYT: Well, because you're playing this challenge
all the time.
You bring it to parties.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Peas and--
BETH HOYT: Like, I got a--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, you ready?
BETH HOYT: Uh-huh.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Here we go.
Mmm.
BETH HOYT: Oh no.
Oh no, no, no.
I know exactly what that is.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: What is it?
BETH HOYT: It's something with-- it's a Gree--
it's peas.
It's mushy peas.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
And one more.
One more.
You almost got a half.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I wonder why I clapped like I was a clum.
BETH HOYT: Smoke.
Smoke.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Smoke?
BETH HOYT: It's like cigarette ash.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: What are you say-- you're like Rain Man
when there's a fire or something.
Smoke, smoke.
There's smoke.
BETH HOYT: That is so gross.
It's like cigarette ash and peas.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No.
BETH HOYT: No?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Peas and--
do you give up?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
I give up.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Brown rice, everybody.
The healthiest of the baby foods.
BETH HOYT: Ugh, that is healthy because you never want
to eat again.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This segment was a weird one.
BETH HOYT: It was weird.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I feel gross right now
BETH HOYT: Wow, I feel-- also, it's so weird to come back
into the light.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [COUGHING].
BETH HOYT: We both feel gross.
Did we win?
No, I think we both--
I heard the baby food rattle around in that one.
OK you guys, what other challenges should I do?
I'm down to do the challenges.
This is fun, even though it's disgusting.
Tag me in your videos or in the comments below and I'll
either do them here or on my vlog, "Beth in Show." When we
come back, we're going to have a baby food
free talk with Dan.
So get your questions and your comments in now.
That's my vlog.
I'll do it there.
And we'll be right back.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And I have a private webcam you can send
stuff to, which is totally different from this website.
BETH HOYT: That's really-- yeah.
[THEME SONG PLAYING]
COOLIO: Can you pass me a spoon, Soul Roll Brother
Number One?
[MUSIC PLAYING]
COOLIO: Lights up, please.
Come on now.
Man, directorio.
What it do?
You must be on a red devils.
You all know what a red devil is?
I'm not going to tell you either.
Blech.
But I know my uncle used to take them.
He fall asleep at the light.
[LAUGHS].
DAVID CROSS: Hi.
I'm David Cross.
And you're watching "My Damn Channel LIVE." OK?
That's all right?
Is that one all right?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Hi, we're back.
I'm looking around for like some leftover Halloween candy
to like make this taste go away.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's like a hipster's--
BETH HOYT: We cleaned it too well.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's like a hipster TGI Friday's in here.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
That's very good.
That's exactly right.
OK, we're back with Dan St. Germain, stand-up comedy stud
and the star of My Damn Channel original comedy--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Stud!
BETH HOYT: That's what I said.
Comedy series "Kicking Dan Out." So hi, Dan.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank you very much.
Appreciate it.
BETH HOYT: Oh, water.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: We got water.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
Sorry.

Makes it a little better.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, makes it a little better.
We just ate baby food if you missed it.
All right, so Dan is a really awesome stand-up comic.
How long have you been doing the stand-up of the comedy?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Six years and two months and six days.
BETH HOYT: Really?
Do you really have it counted down like that?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I really have it.
It's like jail.
You just write it next to your--
next to your bed.
BETH HOYT: Do you have it written down?
Or do you just tell yourself every day this is the--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Six years, when I get out in 10 years.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm like what's his name in
"Shawshank." I forget the old guy.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, totally.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Then once I get out, I hang myself.
BETH HOYT: Happy top fun zone!
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [LAUGHS].
BETH HOYT: I just rutted you.
You're like--
Oh, here's a comment from YouTube.
This is from ButtUm Ch.
Ooh, I love that.
"If you had to, which babyhood" baby food, maybe
"would you eat for the rest of your life?" Well, of the three
I tasted, I would choose the prunes and oatmeal.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, of those three that we had?
BETH HOYT: Of your three.
The vegetable turkey dinner?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Butternut-- what was the last one?
The squash wasn't that bad.
BETH HOYT: Your squash and corns?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Maybe, no.
That was disgusting.
The third one wasn't that bad, whichever--
BETH HOYT: The vegetable turkey dinner?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: They all taste like the same.
They tasted like I was having a stroke.
If that was possible.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, so.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Happy fun time zone!
I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, happy fun time zone.
I guess I would choose the ones that are closest to
applesauce because they're pretty close to that.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Cool.
BETH HOYT: So in "Kicking Dan Out" Dan's always getting
kicked out of apartments.
Have you--
does that come from real life experiences?
Have you ever been kicked out?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I have been kicked out.
BETH HOYT: How many times?
How many apartments?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Well, when I was still drinking, I was
kicked out for my feet being smelly.
That was the saddest one.
BETH HOYT: No, really?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I don't even--
I was in Staten Island.
I was hanging out with this dude who was a pothead, but he
would always watch like women's tennis and Celine Di--
I just burped from the baby food, by the way.
Celine Dion--
BETH HOYT: That was delicious.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This like a bad Prilosec
commercial right now.
BETH HOYT: This is going to go right on your OK Cupid.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is just--
My OK Cupid profile just being all [FAKE VOMITING]
baby food on everywhere.
Vomit up a human hand.
I don't know why I picked a human hand.
BETH HOYT: It's making me laugh and I--
a lot of people love to laugh.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, they do.
BETH HOYT: We're going to do pick up lines
later by the way.
I almost just threw--
we're fine.
We're fine.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Just get ready.
BETH HOYT: Try it at home.
OK.
So you got kicked out for smelly feet.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: But then I shaped my act up when I got
sober and I needed a cheap place to stay.
So I found this place for $400 a month in Washington Heights.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And it was very creepy because I would
live with my landlord who had cameras
set up in the apartment.
So there's like a TV with black and white monitoring of
the whole apartment.
So you bring a girl back and they think you're like Red
Dragon or some shit like that.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It was really bad.
And then there was another guy who lived with us who was in
feetie pajamas and no underwear so you could see the
outline of his penis the whole time.
He was like 60.
BETH HOYT: You know how to pick up them.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I really do.
BETH HOYT: Although, he was 60?
You just threw that in there.
A little curveball in the end.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, he was on welfare.
And it was--
which is fine, I support the welfare system--
but I'm just giving--
he was home all the time.
So he was like sleeping up around and--
BETH HOYT: Wow.
What kind of footsie out?
Was it like an animal footsie outfit he wore?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It was-- no, it was just like red like
Christmas Eve sort of stuff.
BETH HOYT: Oh wow.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And the other guy had a-- carried
a gun all the time.
He said he was a cop.
BETH HOYT: You're not making this up as you go along there?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Nope.
Turned out he wasn't a cop.
So I left in the middle of the night about two months later.
BETH HOYT: So you kicked yourself out.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I kicked myself after that one.
BETH HOYT: These are incredibly true stories.
So no wonder you have enough fodder for your web series.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It was pretty terrible, yeah.
BETH HOYT: I like it.
It's good experience for you, though, as a comedian to have
guns, no underwear, the cam-- wow.
OK, here's a comment from YouTube from Kephissos.
"Dan St. Germain looks like the love child of Richard Kam
and John Goodman."
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Well, I don't know who Richard Kam is, but--
BETH HOYT: I don't either, I was hoping you would.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: --fuck you for the second one.
I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: I don't know.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I didn't know if we were--
I think we were--
BETH HOYT: No, that's all fine.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Right?
BETH HOYT: You can say that.
Maybe Richard Kam is like--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I mean, I understand he's got like the
sexy Dunkin' Donuts voice.
BETH HOYT: Also, I just watched "Big Lebowski" again
during the hurricane--
-It's Richard Karn.
He was on "Home Improvement."
BETH HOYT: Richard Karn from "Home Improvement."
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, the bearded guy.
He's kind of handsome.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
Yeah.
So not a cross between--
I think it's just your voice and your energy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I wish they could say Richard Karn and
John Goodman's talent.
I would like that.
BETH HOYT: I think that's what it is.
You're like John Goodman's like energy and loveableness.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
Because you take John Goodman's talent away, you
just have John Madden.
That's how it works.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You know?
BETH HOYT: And just someone that you just want to hug.
I've been watching a lot of "Roseanne" and we watched "Big
Lebowski" over the hurricane time and I'm just really on
the John Goodman train.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: He's great.
He is great.
BETH HOYT: So just take it as a compliment.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank you very much.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I look like I'm dressed as a "Roseanne"
extra, so--
BETH HOYT: It's a good shirt.
It's a good shirt for a storm like it is today.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: We'll also--
OK, so when we come back, we're going to begin playing a
game we made up called The Pick Up Line Game.
It's not a misleading title at all.
It's Dan and I are going to try and pick each other up
using pick up lines.
Are you ready?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm so ready.
I've been in love with you for years.
BETH HOYT: You guys can help us out by putting your
favorite pickup lines in the chat right now.
So put them in, we'll use them.
And meanwhile, it's another video.
And not surprisingly, we've got an episode of "Kicking Dan
Out." So it's a new one.
You want to set them up for anything?
I don't-- no spoilers, but.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, yeah.
It's basically--
I don't know why I keep--
basically, I get kicked out by people who are even bigger
trainwrecks than me.
So check it out.
BETH HOYT: Awesome.
You guys, get the pick up lines in the chat for
when we come back.
But right now, "Kicking Dan Out."
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-We're kicking you out of the Insane Clown Posse fan club.
You are no longer a Juggalo.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Wow.
You, uh, guys are really throwing me for a Jugaloop.
Should I take my Insane Clown facepaint off?
-That's KISS makeup.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I was actually going for sexy cat.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Give me one reason that
I am not ICP material.
-You don't even know what we do, yo.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yes, I do.
And I'm just as good at making balloon animals and crawling
out of tiny cars as the next guy.
-That's not Insane Clown.
That's real clown.
-What's your favorite ICP song?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: "Might as well be walking on the sun."
-That's Smash Mouth.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: "Hey now, you're an all-star.
Get your game on, get played."
-Still Smash Mouth.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: "Perfect sky is torn."
-That's Natalie Imbruglia.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You sure?
Could have sworn it was Chumbawamba.
-Sorry, bro.
We're going to need your Faygo.

-Dude, how many Faygos did you steal?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That's it.
And those.
-Drop your pants.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [SIGH].

-Ohh.

-The hell?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oof.
Jesus Christ.
I don't know how that got in there.
Thought I was past that.
-You are no longer invited to Gathering of the Juggalos.
You are no longer invited to attend Juggalo championship
wrestling events.
You are no longer part of the Juggalo Race for the Cure.
You are done.
Finished.
Out.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: For 10 years.
10 long years, I was a member of the "Step
by Step" fan club.
But I quit there to be with you.
And also because I accidentally helped the guy
who played Cody kill his wife.
I left because I believed that we were doing
important work here.
Whether it was throwing glass bottles at Tila Tequila.
Putting human poop inside things that normally wouldn't
have human poop in them.
Or that time we farted on that blond kid's pogs.
Remember that?
-[LAUGHTER].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: "Stop and look around.
It's all astounding.
Water, fire, and dirt.
Fucking magnets, how do they work?" You guys are family.
-Get out.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Fine.
I'll miss you most of all, Barbara.

We had a--
we had a special connection.
BARBARA: [SIGH].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: We fingered.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
It's like fucking a duffel bag filled with pumpkin meat.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Wow.
Great stuff.
Those are real Juggalos, right Dan?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Those were real Juggalos, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Absolutely.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Ted Alexandro stopped being a comic.
BETH HOYT: Totally.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And is a Juggalo now.
BETH HOYT: Kate Berlant just put that-- yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: OK, so now it's time to get serious about--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sounds great.
BETH HOYT: --about picking people up with pickup lines.
Have you ever successfully picked anyone
up with like a line.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sure.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Pick up lines are weird because they shouldn't work,
but I think that if they're good enough--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You got scared when I said, "sure."
You're like, do I want to know this story [INAUDIBLE].
BETH HOYT: I do.
I was thinking about how I haven't.
But anyway.
I'm going to work on it today.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: Because I think if they're good enough, they
should actually work.
So we're going to set a scene here and we're going to try to
take turns picking each other up with our best lines.
And as soon as the pickup line isn't working,
you ring the bell.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: So like as soon as I'm like that wouldn't work
for me, I'm [BELL RINGING].
And we start over and do it again.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
Sounds good.
BETH HOYT: And well be taking your suggestions as well.
Get them in the chat.
We'll do ours first.
OK, you pick me up first.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I pick you up first?
BETH HOYT: Let's do it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, let's do this.
All right, hey, let me preface this one first.
BETH HOYT: Oh.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: This is--
BETH HOYT: Wait.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sorry, one second.
This is--
BETH HOYT: Wait, no, no wait.
Now preface it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Preface it.
Basically what this is is it's this comes from--
stems from the mystery negging thing.
So you like neg a girl, like you're, oh, what, those shoes
are so 1998.
And then she's like, what?
And you're like, come on let me get you a drink.
So he starts with the negative and then positive.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I get it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And that's like what
I'm going to do here.
Do you got that?
OK.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
You can't tell the girl that.
Do you go to the girl, let me preface it.
Preface it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, don't preface it.
You got to just do what I'm going to do.
OK, so that wasn't part of it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, that was not part of it.
BETH HOYT: All right, starting over.
Dan's going now.

DAN ST. GERMAIN: I heard you're barren.
Do you want to hang out?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
[BELL RINGING]
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Damn it.
BETH HOYT: That-- right from the beginning.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Didn't work out.
All right, let's do it again.
BETH HOYT: I was pretty quick with that one.

DAN ST. GERMAIN: When I look into your eyes and I see the
divine, I realize what I worshipped when I was six.
And I don't mean divine in a God-like way.
Would you have sex with me for $400.
BETH HOYT: $400 is--
do you have $400, though, is what I'm wondering?
Is what-- seriously.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: By $400, I do mean--
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
[BELL RINGING]
DAN ST. GERMAIN: --a Quizno's card with five of the
sandwiches stubbed.
OK.
Great.
BETH HOYT: If you have the cash, that's one thing.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.

BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Dance already?
BETH HOYT: No.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Just done?
BETH HOYT: I'll give you a chance.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I dance like a 40-year-old at a jam band
dance concert.
BETH HOYT: Oh, that was a dance.
I thought it was like an attack.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, I'm in character.
What if I use like a really offensive black voice.
BETH HOYT: I didn't know that that was what
that was, but now.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you--
are you tired because you've been running
through my mind all day.
Didn't work out so well for the last jogger.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
[BELL RINGING]
Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You thought a little bit.
Women like getting scared a little bit.
BETH HOYT: It was kind of intriguing.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: There was a pause.
BETH HOYT: All right, I'm going to try.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You're going to try?

BETH HOYT: Hey, are you on Instagram?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No.
BETH HOYT: Oh, shoot.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Because you look like someone from my past.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I mean, I'll fuck anything.
So I really shouldn't have been--
BETH HOYT: All right, well, that was the end of my joke.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, that was it.
OK, sorry.
Damn it.
BETH HOYT: I'm going to go again.
I'm trying to practice these.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm sorry.
I'm really bad at improv.
BETH HOYT: Got to be a tough crowd.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [INAUDIBLE] is rolling in
his grave right now.
BETH HOYT: You got to be a tough crowd for me.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, sorry.
BETH HOYT: OK.

OK.
You're Harry, [BELL RINGING]
I'll be your Sally.
[LAUGHS].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'll still fuck you.
BETH HOYT: OK, next.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Phew.

Did you just fart?
Because you're blowing me away.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I love that one, but I'll still
[BELL RINGING]
BETH HOYT: All right.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Check please.
That's what I meant.
BETH HOYT: Oh, check please.
So that one worked.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I actually like that one.
BETH HOYT: So I will stick with that one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: As you said, that was fun.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, OK.
Oh, we have a comment.
I'm going to take this pick up line.
So don't look at it, Dan.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Don't let me look at it.
BETH HOYT: Close your eyes.
Give it to me.

OK, got it.
Here we go.

Hey, is your name Google because you got everything
I've been looking for.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [LAUGHS].
I like that one.
I might hit that.
BETH HOYT: I felt sleazy, but like, I felt like savvy and
internet-y.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you Ask Jeeves?
Because your mother hasn't seen you in weeks.
BETH HOYT: [LAUGHS].
That's not sexy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, but it's like it's more--
BETH HOYT: It's more of a pun for Ask Jeeves than--
All right, this one's for you, I won't look
while you read it.

DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: Yeah?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, right.

Hey.
Is your email beautiful@beththebeautiful.com?

BETH HOYT: Maybe.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Nice.
I'm going to spam you with my heart.
BETH HOYT: With your heart?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I don't know why I said it so-called heart.
I did sound like Buffalo Bill when I said that.
BETH HOYT: I don't know what--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh.
BETH HOYT: So I'll block you?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Is she like a great big fat person?
BETH HOYT: So you're like threatening to maybe later on
email me as your pick up line.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I think that that was it.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Oh, this is for me.
OK.
Close you eyes.
I'm going to pick you up with this one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right.
BETH HOYT: OK, that's a good one.
Yusuf Zine.
All right.

Oh, I already forgot it.
No, it's all right.
I got it.
Oh wait.
Close your eyes.
Show it to me again.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Feel like people in "Cocoon."
BETH HOYT: The beginning part I forgot.
It's something like--
OK, gotcha.
Yeah, got it.
OK, got it.
OK, hi.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Hey.
BETH HOYT: Can I take a picture of you?
I just want to sit on Santa's lap and show him what I want
for Christmas.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, that's awesome.
BETH HOYT: But that kind of also came on to Santa then to.
So then you're confused at like, do I want to sit on
Santa's lap or do I want to go out with you.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Right.
BETH HOYT: That was a confusing one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I would literally go for any of these.
That's the sad--
that's what I'm realizing about my-- my bar is so low,
I'm tripping over it right now.
BETH HOYT: Actually, I think that if anyone came with a
ridiculous one like this, this would be good
enough to be like--
except for-- wait, one of them you said was really creepy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh, the running one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: The running one.
That was creepy, right?
BETH HOYT: I would run away from that one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I feel like, you know, men
will say yes to anything.
Women will be like, they're like the troll at the
drawbridge.
They're like, tell me a riddle and--
BETH HOYT: See, that doesn't help.
Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That doesn't--
BETH HOYT: You likening me to the troll.
That's a bad--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, that didn't work either.
You see what I mean?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I'd cut that one out.
Hey, this one's for you.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Metaphors, people.
BETH HOYT: They're giving you an ex--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Or similes.
BETH HOYT: This is--
I'm going to close my eyes and you read this one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, sorry.

All right.
This guy never gets laid who wrote this.
BETH HOYT: Well, you better try and--

Oh, hi.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Do you press X to pick up weapons?
Because that's how I'm going to pick you up right now at
Halo pick up lines.
Did I screw that up?
I'm not sure if I screwed that up.
BETH HOYT: I hope so.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: At all.
BETH HOYT: But I do press X to pick up weapons.
Oh, I get it.
That's how you play the game.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
Triple X.
BETH HOYT: Gotcha.
Yeah, that's sexy.
Hinting at sex.
Oh my gosh.
This one's for Dan, too.
OK.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, this one's for me, too.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hmm.
This
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's just to be this guy going, blow me.

Oh.
Oh, that's so goofy.
All right.
All right.
This is how--
do you guys have a human resources department?
Because that's where I'm going to end up after this.

BETH HOYT: These are all going on your OK Cupid profile.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right, ready?
BETH HOYT: Sorry.

DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sorry, I thought that was a
Braille name tag.

BETH HOYT: That's good.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That was very Kate Hudson, "Almost Famous."
BETH HOYT: That was-- yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I always do that.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Or the hook is that you.
That's more of a--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Not hook.
Peter, is that you?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That's, yeah.
That--
BETH HOYT: It is Peter.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: They do this in "The Notebook." They do
like the cup thing.
That's how you know you're really--
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah, that's when you know you're in a
heated romance.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: An intense relationship.
BETH HOYT: Mm-hmm.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I do this thing for women.
I don't think that works as well.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: It's like, I don't have a fever, right?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Here's one.
This one's for me.
I'm going to do it.
Close your eyes.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh.
Sorry.

BETH HOYT: What?
I don't get it.
How that's a pick up line.
All right, I'm going to try and make this one into a-- oh,
I don't know.
OK.
This is tough.

I got-- hey.
[LAUGHS].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Wouldn't that be weird?
I really like guys who are into peekaboo.
BETH HOYT: It's my turn.
That was a great one though.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sorry.
I'm so sorry to steal your thunder.
BETH HOYT: I'm wondering if you know how much a polar bear
weighs, just because I'm trying to break the ice.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, been done.
[BELL RINGING]
Been done.
BETH HOYT: It's been done.
Oh yeah.
I felt--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It's been done, that.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you seeing a bat?
BETH HOYT: That's what I thought it was at first.
Then it was like-- here's a comment.
They were saying I'm a bat.
Here's a comment.
This is for Dan.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, this is for me.
BETH HOYT: I'm going to close my eyes.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.

These--
no one who watches this show gets laid.
That's what I've decided from this.
OK.
BETH HOYT: They need you to work it out for them so they
can see how to do it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Can you read-- can I read that again?
I'm sorry, I think I keep messing these up.
They can't bring them back, folks.
It's OK.

If you were Princess Toadstool, I'd kill Bowser
much quicker than the game lets you kill
Bowser to get to you.
BETH HOYT: No, listen, if I knew those like Bowser or
whatever as much as like some nerd girl does, that would
totally work.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm going to [BELL RINGING]
ding myself for that one.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you probably deserve that.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That's on me because I screwed it up.
Well, you're delivery--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: But it was also oval.
Awful.
BETH HOYT: I think that that one could have-- oval.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oval.
It was also very oval.
The shape was very oval.
BETH HOYT: But I think that one, if there was someone that
you knew was into that, that could have worked.
But your delivery was terrible.
[BELL RINGING]
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It was really bad, right?
BETH HOYT: Your delivery was terrible.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Which is why I'm never going to make it on
"Whose Line is it Anyway?"
BETH HOYT: Yeah, sorry.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: What about--
BETH HOYT: Get rid of those dreams.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Would you Boba my Fett?
Would that be any better?
BETH HOYT: Ooh.
Well, it's a good line, but it's just not sexy.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No?
All right, not sexy.
BETH HOYT: OK, I don't know if we just got better or if we
just proved our ineptitude.
But questions and comments with Dan when we get back.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
-I told you Porno Pictionary was the way to go.
-Hey, why don't we kick it up a notch and make this into a
swingers party?
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
STEVE: I choose Nancy.
-What?
STEVE: That little filly.

-What are you talking about?
STEVE: For the swingers party.
I thought we were choosing up like draft picks.
No?
-No.
That was a joke, Steve.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: Hi, I'm Danny Tamberelli.
MIKE MARONNA: And I'm Mike Maronna.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: And you're watching "My Damn Channel--"
MIKE MARONNA: "--LIVE."
DANNY TAMBERELLI: That's it.
MIKE MARONNA: That's it.
DANNY TAMBERELLI: Let's go.
MIKE MARONNA: Hi, guys.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: We're back with Dan St. Germain.
Let's get into some more of your comments.
Thanks for all this pick up lines, guys.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
We have a comment from you guys.
It is from chloereidishere.
"Dan, would you rather shave your beard or your head."
DAN ST. GERMAIN: My head.
BETH HOYT: Really?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: When's the last time you had--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I want to look like a prison priest.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That's how I want to look.
BETH HOYT: That would be what it might--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, that's how it would do.
BETH HOYT: When's the last time you
had your face cleaned?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I trim it a lot.
But the last time I got it really, really short, I mean,
I got it really short a couple months ago.
BETH HOYT: So still short, but you've never
had it totally shaved.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Super short.
But gone, like totally gone, was about three
or four years ago.
BETH HOYT: When you were five.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And I started--
was I five.
I'm only 10.
I have Benjamin Button disease.

I was so depressed I listened to Regina Spektor's
"Samson" all day.
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah, that's a problem.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That's how sad.
Which I usually do anyway, but I wasn't
in the fetal position.
BETH HOYT: Mmm.
Wait, so then you shaved your face that day?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I shaved my face, yeah.
Then I listened to "Samson."
BETH HOYT: Before or after?
Oh.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: "Samson" after I shaved.
BETH HOYT: And then you-- oh, I see.
And you listened to "Samson." Gotcha.
[SIGH].
So you'd shave your head.
OK.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [INAUDIBLE].
BETH HOYT: You do have a beautiful head of hair though.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I do have a good amount of hair.
But I have no chin, that's the problem.
BETH HOYT: Oh, really?
None of us know and seems like we won't know, ever, because
you're going to keep the beard.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, totally.
BETH HOYT: So it's not a problem.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: You get to hide it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I get to hide it.
BETH HOYT: We have a Twitter question from nonfictionme.
"Wow, just watched "Kicking Dan Out." It is genius!
"Modern Family" meets Zach Galinafigus--
Galifianakis!
It's awesome!" I always-- yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thanks, Brad!
That is awesome.
And that's exactly what I think, too.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Sweet.
BETH HOYT: It's a really funny show.
We're really happy to have it on our series.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank.
You I'm glad to be here.
[LAUGHS].
BETH HOYT: It was like a--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I was going to pick between putting it on
here or Friendster.
And I decided that this was--
more people were--
BETH HOYT: That's probably your best bet.
So the lady--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Or LinkedIn.
BETH HOYT: The lady in the end of the last episode.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Mm-hmm.
BETH HOYT: She--
she--
you had a story her.
What's her deal?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: She's batshit insane.
I love Barbara.
If you're listening to this from some watchtower, then I
just want to say, shout out and--
BETH HOYT: How'd you find her?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: --please don't kill anyone that the dog
tells you to kill.
BETH HOYT: Like a woman who's willing to wear Juggalo makeup
and get it from behind.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Well, yeah.
She was actually very professional.
But she showed up with a huge bag of props
that we didn't ask.
She was like, we could use this.
It was like one of these fingers.
Like foam fingers.
And she had like an Albert Einstein mask.
BETH HOYT: Really?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
I feel like her car is like a portal to a
magical place of adventure.
BETH HOYT: Like a clown car?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
If you look at her Facebook, she writes stuff like,
Facebook's kicking me off.
Connect me at my landline.
She's like nuts.
BETH HOYT: I mean, it kind of sounds like
you're meant to be.
Like she's getting kicked off of Facebook.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Honestly, it's nice that I'll be the
anchor for someone for the first time in my life.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: You know?
BETH HOYT: Maybe she has a great place and you can have
even cheaper rent and live there so you can do your
duties with Barbara.
Right.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: By place, you do mean the bathroom of a
Starbucks, right?
Because that's probably where she's sleeping right now.
BETH HOYT: I mean, she's got somewhere where she
keeps all her props.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, I--
BETH HOYT: Those bathrooms are pretty big, though.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, that's true.
BETH HOYT: All right, we have a comment from YouTube from
Becky Hepworth. "Can you do a Scottish accent?" You've got
to with that beard.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Aye, aye, matey.
Oh, I think that's a pirate accent.
BETH HOYT: That's a pirate.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Damn it!
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Just because you die doesn't mean love--
oh, that's Whoopi Goldberg being serious accent.
BETH HOYT: Oh man.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Almost.
BETH HOYT: Close.
Those were really close.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Really good.
I think if you combine them together, you'd get Scottish.
BETH HOYT: You just like turn on--
you put the word "accent" in your head and then just like
whatever comes out.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
I can do Peter Gallagher, too.
BETH HOYT: I'd love to see it.
Hear it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh my.
Just because you die doesn't mean love has to die too.
Was that like it.
Or I don't think so.
I just like to quote to Gillian on her 32nd birthday
all the time.
BETH HOYT: I mean, who doesn't?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I don't know why.
BETH HOYT: This is how I quote to--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That was for three people [INAUDIBLE].
BETH HOYT: This is how I quote to Gillian.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
That was very good.
BETH HOYT: I made him almost throw up.
Right?
Because--
did I remind you of the butternut squash?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Is that like Claire Danes?
Oh, she does that with her face all the time, right?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Well, she cries and that's what her cry face
looks like when she--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, let me see that again.
Oh my god.
That's so great.
Oh my god.
That's amazing.
I love that.
BETH HOYT: [INAUDIBLE].
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I don't know why that's turning me on right
now, but it is.
BETH HOYT: Here we have a comment from Yusuf Zine. "Dan,
any advice for someone looking to make a comedy web series on
their own?" How did you start?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Well, I just ripped the idea for a series
off a comedian who's weaker physically than me.
So that's really what I suggest to anybody who wants
to just, you know.
Somebody in a wheelchair or polio, just take their ideas
and use it, because they won't be able to fight back.
BETH HOYT: We love having--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: And make sure they're poor, too.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
We love having people like you on the show to really teach
our young viewers like how to really do something useful.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, absolutely.
Thank you.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, you're welcome.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: Thank you.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Thank you.
BETH HOYT: You're welcome.
Here's another comment from Megachickisacoolkidd.
"Do you like French toast?" Really wants to know.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Does that mean you're going to make it
for me in the morning when I break into your house?
No, uh--
BETH HOYT: See, you were doing well with the pick up line and
then you plummeted.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: [INAUDIBLE].
BETH HOYT: Do you know where you plummeted?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: That was a kind of call back from the
second one.
BETH HOYT: Do you know where you--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I'm pretty sure it was the beginning?
Or not the ending.
Oh, the beginning.
Right.
BETH HOYT: You're still not getting it.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I do love French toast.
BETH HOYT: Me too.
Who doesn't?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Some powdered sugar on top.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I like pancakes better, though.
Sometimes I can only get the whole meal.
You know?
Maybe with a frittata or something.
BETH HOYT: What?
French toast would be better with food?
I like when French toast has fruit on the side just like
for the picture of it, but I don't really want
to eat it with that.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: I just want lots of syrup.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I like it with a Hot Pocket in the
middle, I think.
BETH HOYT: Like a turducken.
Like a Hot Pocket, French toast--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: If I could have real toast inside the
French toast, that would be-- that would blow my mind.
BETH HOYT: Paula Deen could figure out-- you guys could
find a way to make that happen.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Here's another comment.
It is from Kephissos.
"Dan, who are your comedic influences?"
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I would say half Brett Butler, half Dad
from "F Matters." Those are my comedic influences.
BETH HOYT: It makes so much sense.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: It makes a lot of sense, right?
BETH HOYT: It really does.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I think so.
BETH HOYT: Gosh.
I mean, I've been watching so much "Roseanne," I haven't
thought about "Grace Under Fire" in a while.
Better get back on that.
Have you watched it recently?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Talk about makes me under fire.
But making me fire, fiery.
BETH HOYT: Just keep working on that one.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Lava-ish.
BETH HOYT: All right.
And that's all the time we have for comments.
Have we got a special treat for you now.
It's a My Damn Channel original video premiere.
This is Status Kill with "Trolls."
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
AGENT SPARKS: Hating things on the internet
just because you can.
Leaving little pissy comments and your thumbs down sign just
because you can hide behind the obscurity of
the internet is stupid.
And I will find you.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
-Stupidest convention ever.
It was full of retards.
-New York Comic-Con trying to be San Diego Comic-Con.
But it's not.
-If I see one more poorly made Halo
helmet, I will blow chunks.
-I saw over a dozen slave Leias that would have made
better Jabbas.

AGENT SPARKS: I look ridiculous.
-It's necessary, Agent Sparks.
We believe this group of trolls has led a campaign of
online negativity that caused a major political figure to
check into a mental hospital.
Infiltrate the group and find out their next target.
-Halt.
Who goes there?
One does not simply wander into troll lure.
AGENT SPARKS: It is I, Dentano the Great.
-Is your sword enough to handle the magic battle ax of
down voting?
AGENT SPARKS: Yeah, I think so.
-What is it you say?
AGENT SPARKS: I mean, yes.
My trollish sword is one with the neververse.
-[INAUDIBLE].
-Yes, yes, yes.
-Rebecca has uploaded a new photo.
-Heh.
LOL.
This picture is fail.
-Tesskid has uploaded a new video.
-Thumbs up if you think this guy's a moron.
-You just wasted 30 seconds of my life reading that.
-I hereby declare this gay.
[CHUCKLE].
It's gay.
[CHANTING TROLL]
AGENT SPARKS: OK, OK.
You look like a pig with lipstick on.
[LAUGHTER]
-That was good.
That was a good one.
-Whoo.
-You have yourself a combat.
-Pew pew.
Pew pew.
-No resurrection spells for you.
Take that foul beast.
AGENT SPARKS: Wow.
That is a cool costume.
-Cool costume?
AGENT SPARKS: Huh?
No, no, no.
I meant that, you know, the ears are wack.
It's a total fail.
-You do not seem very trollish.
What kind of creature are you?
AGENT SPARKS: I, I am a total dick.
Trust me.
-Show us your likes page, noob.
AGENT SPARKS: OK.
OK.
-Uh you like "Pac-Man?"
-Gay.
-Gay.
AGENT SPARKS: That's classic.
-You
like "RoboCop?" -Gay.
-Oh my god.
Taylor Swift?
Gay.
AGENT SPARKS: Come on.
I mean, don't you guys like stuff?
It's cool to like stuff.
-No, no, no.
No.
We're internet trolls, dude.
We troll the internet and dislike everything.

-Dislike.
-Dislike.
-Dislike.
-Not awesome.
-You have new dislikes.
John, Mary, Jim, Michelle, Justine,
Brian, Jerry, Melissa.
One million dislikes.
AGENT SPARKS: Oh, hell no.

-[GROAN].

-Nooo.

-Hey man, can't you see that we act like this because we
don't think that anyone will actually like us?
-Yeah, you know, we just lash out at the world before it
lashes out at us.
-It's a defense mechanism.
AGENT SPARKS: I get it.
But did you guys really have to be such dicks about it.
Besides, your costumes suck.

-Get out of here, troll.
Nobody likes you, anyway.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Well, did you have fun, Dan?
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yes.
I did have fun.
It was great.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Well, we have to talk.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: OK.
BETH HOYT: You have to go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: As far as you're doing like a callback
to my show or whatever.
BETH HOYT: You know you got to go.
Like time to-- time to go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: No, I mean--
BETH HOYT: Because the show's ending.
So.
I'm really so--
I'm really sorry.
It's been really fun.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I had a spot on Logo that I
passed up to do this.
BETH HOYT: I'm not responsible for that.
But you really got to--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Are you serious?
BETH HOYT: --get out.
Yeah.
Yeah.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: I could've--
I could've been working on my "Army Wives" spec script.
BETH HOYT: I'm really sorry, but, um--
it's like--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Damn it!
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
That's--
really, now it's time for you to go.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right.
BETH HOYT: The decibel level.
Sorry, you have to get out of the shot.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Oh, that way.
OK.
BETH HOYT: Oh wait, Dan.
Before you go, can you tell people where to
find you real quick.
And then you got to go.
So like on Twitter and--
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Yeah, DS channel--
I don't know why I did it like "Pirates on the Penzance."
DSGermain on Twitter.
And I'm going a show tomorrow night for the
New York Comedy Festival.
Union Hall at 9:00.
It's going to be me, Mike Lawrence, Jared Logan.
Dark Lords of Comedy.
Check it out.
Two more episodes of My Da--
My Damn Channel.
Two more episodes of "Kicking Dan Out." And I'll be having
an album coming out in the winter, "Dan St. Germain's Bad
at the Good Times."
BETH HOYT: That is so exciting.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: There you go.
BETH HOYT: Now you have to go now.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: Super excited.
[SHOUT].
BETH HOYT: Bye, Dan.
DAN ST. GERMAIN: All right.
BETH HOYT: Awesome.
OK.
You guys, that's our show, but that's not the end of our day.
Tonight is our really big "My Damn Channel LIVE" live show
at the Ace Hotel in New York City.
It's hosted by my BFF Trish and myself.
The record setter guys will be there.
Remember when Trish and I did the egg record?
Ow.
Ow.
Ow.
Ow ow.
Ow.
Ouch.
Maybe try a different spot on my head.
Maybe just like-- ah!
Ow, my god.
-Time.
BETH HOYT: The record we're setting tonight involves
whoopee cushions.
And we'll be doing one with the audience as well.
And the amazing Todd Barry's our headliner.
We've just added Hannibal Buress to the line up.
We've got Stuckey and Murray, Kate Berlant, Jermaine Fowler.
My Damn Channel's own Shannon Coffey will be there.
Dave Hill and Walter Schriefels will be rocking out
as our house band.
It's going to be epic.
You can buy tickets right now here or at the door tonight.
If you live in New York City, come out and see us up close
and in person.
I want to see you there.
I'll have a drink after.
Also, proceeds tonight go to the Red Cross.
So that's another incentive.
Or you can also just text Red Cross to 90999 to donate $10.
Do it.
It's easy.
That's our show.
I'll see you tonight or I'll see you tomorrow.
Stay safe.
Subscribe.
And you're my favorite.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]