Massholes Episode 8: What Happens Down the Cape...  Feat. JoJo

PADDY: mean, why are you fucking
complaining all the time?
It's embarrassing.
JIMMY: Dude, Paddy, I never get shotgun because you're the
fucking Jolly Green Giant.
PADDY: Oh my god.
Are your feet even touching the floor back there, guy?
Jesus.
MAGGIE: Yeah, you can't fuck with the rules of shotgun.
JIMMY: Maggie's right, dude.
PADDY: cry me a river, you too.
You act like I didn't call it fair and square.
JIMMY: Fair and square?
That's fucking bullshit.
I walk outside, go shotgun.
That means I get shotgun.
PADDY: Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then I blitzed you, didn't I!
KENNY: Shut the fuck up, please, for two seconds.
Shut up.
You know he's a freak.
He's fucking awkward.
He can't fit in the back.
PADDY: I'm large.
JIMMY: Dude, whatever.
Why you so butthurt?
You didn't close with that fucking jailbait last night?
PADDY: you, guy?
I thought you closed.
KENNY: No, she was 18.
I checked her ID.
And I did close.
PADDY: Jimmy, why are you fucking
talking about jailbait?
Aren't you a registered sex offender down the Cape?
JIMMY: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nobody was making out.
I told you like a thousand times.
MAGGIE: No, no, no, no.
What are you talking about?
PADDY: tell you what I'm talking about.
This fucking guy--
JIMMY: Dude, drop this or I'm going to drop you.
PADDY: Oh, he's going to drop me.
He's going to fucking drop me.
KENNY: Wait, what?
JIMMY: No, I'm serious, Paddy.
PADDY: All right, I'll drop it, as long as you provide
me-- or you oblige me, with one condition.
JIMMY: What's that, Paddy?
PADDY: you get out.
JIMMY: Huh?
PADDY: now.
JIMMY: What are you talking about?
PADDY: [SINGING]
It's the end of you and me--
JIMMY: Oh, fuck.
KENNY: Oh shit, I remember this.
JIMMY: So when I was 18, I had a week-long summer romance
down the Cape with a girl named JoJo.
PADDY: Yeah, remember JoJo, the one with all the break up
bangers like 10 years ago?
Jimmy meets her down the Cape one summer, she
tells him she's 16--
JIMMY: She wasn't.
PADDY: It turns out she's actually 13.
He buys her some Smirnoffs, because that was his style,
gets her all liquored up, and has the
summer loving of a lifetime.
Anyway, so Kenny obviously knows her.
Calls her up, she's having a barbecue today, and what do
you know, we're invited.
So here we are.
Ralph's buying some booze, we're going to head over
there, see what happens.
BRENT: There you guys are.
Jesus.
Trying to film you guys.
I didn't even have time to put on the fucking camera.
You guys need to stay with me.
At all times.

Hop in.
JIMMY: Why the Smirnoffs, Brent?
Because you dance with the one that fucking brought you,
that's why.
KENNY: Jimmy's mother's old fucking Oldsmobile.
There she is!
PADDY: Ha ha.
JOJO: Kenny!
JIMMY: She looks good.
She's all grown up, huh?
JOJO: Yay, look at you, handsome!
KENNY: How are you?
JOJO: Good.
I'm good.
You brought your alcoholic friends, perfect.
KENNY: Absolutely.
This is Maggie, fellow Masshole.
JOJO: Yay!
MAGGIE: Nice to meet you.
Wicked big fan.
JOJO: Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much.
KENNY: Keeping in Pembroke, that's my boy Paddy.
JOJO: I don't think we've met before.
PADDY: No, you'd remember.
I like the place, though.
JOJO: Thank you.
KENNY: And you may or may not know this human.
JIMMY: Yeah, we knew each other back in the day.
If--
BRENT: Oh my god.
JIMMY: If you don't remember, that's cool-- that's
definitely-- don't even worry about it.
JOJO: I'm just fucking with you.
Jimmy!
Oh my god!
I'm so happy you're here!
JIMMY: Yeah, yeah.
I'm happy I'm here too.
You look fucking fantastic.
JOJO: Thank you.
JIMMY: Real great.
JOJO: Thanks.
What's been up?
JIMMY: Uh, actor, dancer, YouTube sensation right now.
So I'm doing OK.
JOJO: Triple threat?
Oh, good.
JIMMY: I'm growing up.
I'm doing good.
MAGGIE: Oh, Jo--
JOJO: Yeah?
MAGGIE: I hate to bring it up, but since you brought it up--
the triple threat thing?
I heard you've got to be a triple threat
to make it in Hollywood.
And I'm already a wicked good actor.
And Kenny's been teaching me a dance, and whatnot.
JOJO: Nice.
PADDY: Ha ha.
MAGGIE: I'm all right.
And, um, if like you have any free time today, if you could
teach me to sign as good as you?
JOJO: Oh, god!
Oh--
sure.
MAGGIE: No--
JOJO: Yeah.
MAGGIE: Homegirl got me through a lot of shitty
boyfriends.
Like, a lot.
And I've been wanting to slap the bag with that feisty broad
for years now.
Well, cool.
I can share this with you if you want.
JOJO: Himmy, the Smirnoff?
Really?
It's that kind of party?
JIMMY: Babe, for old time's sake.
JOJO: Mm hm, yeah.
Old habits die hard.
JIMMY: Yeah.
First loves last forever.
BRENT: What's the joke with the Smirnoff Ices?
They're delicious.
Sometimes me and my bros, my homies, pound a few cold ones.
You ever been iced?
They're fun and delicious.
Boom!
KENNY: Closer, right?
-I'm going to shotgun with my thing--
KENNY: Or do you want it further?

-Ah--
-Jesus--
MAGGIE: So how do you come up with your songs?
Do you date some fucking asshole, or what?
JOJO: Do I look like fucking Taylor Swift?
MAGGIE: No.
JOJO: No, I mean, I don't look for assholes to date,
necessarily.
But I just--
I write through life.
So whatever happens.
I mean, I have dated a couple assholes.
I have dated some good guys, too.
JIMMY: Something good coming out?
What's up?
What's coming next?
JOJO: Yeah!
I'm actually working on a new mix tape.
JIMMY: Oh, really?
I've been working out.
JOJO: I can tell.
JIMMY: Oh, thanks.
JOJO: Looking buff.
JIMMY: Doing my thing.
JOJO: But I'm excited for you to hear it.
Like, I feel really great about it.
JIMMY: I'm pumped, I'm pumped.
PADDY: Can I tell you something I'm excited about?
I hate to do this to you.
I want to hear about your new music.
But to be honest, you're going to need to settle a bet for us
on some of the older songs.
JIMMY: We don't have a bet.
JOJO: Oh, a bet?
OK.
JIMMY: He's an asshole.
PADDY: See rumor has it, Jimmy seems to think that you may
have penned a jingle or two in his honor.
JIMMY: I didn't think that.
He thinks that.
I don't think that.
PADDY: So can you finally solve the mystery for us?
KENNY: We got a bet going.
JIMMY: Oh, my god.
We don't have a bet.
JOJO: Ah, songs about Jimmy.
Um, to be honest, I have written a song about you.
MAGGIE: Huh?
JIMMY: Really?
JOJO: Yeah.
JIMMY: What one?
JOJO: It's called--
it's called, trust me, I'm 16, no seriously, I swear I am.
PADDY: Oh, shit, kid!
JOJO: Have you heard it?
JIMMY: I can't get a break.
You looked very developed for a 13 year old.
KENNY: Jesus Christ, Jim, quit while you're ahead.
JOJO: The story with me and Jimmy?

Don't you know?
What happens in the Cape stays in the Cape.
PADDY: Fucking-- these cups are filled with water.
Do we have any fucking beers left?
KENNY: Dude, what the fuck.
They're all gone.
Wait, where's the Smirnoff Ices?
Nobody drank those.
PADDY: I'll drink the Smirnoff.
KENNY: Where's Jimmy?
MAGGIE: I don't know.
I've been looking for Jimmy and Joe everywhere.
I can't find them.
KENNY: Jimmy!
Where's the Smirnoff Ices?
PADDY: Ahh.
JOJO: Hey, Jimmy!
JIMMY: Yeah?
Heh.

-[SINGING]
Oh Boston, I love you, baby.
JIMMY: What?
We just made out.
JOJO: Yeah, what he said.
JIMMY: That's why you dance with the one that fucking
brought you.