Malviviendo 1x06 Cuentos y leyendas

THINGS ARE TRULY VERY DARK
After the worrying news from Sentry, we persuaded Khaki to hide for a while.
He'd been in the countryside for a while, and it was time to pay him a visit.
Even Khaki needs supplies, and some human warmth.
- Tins? - Yes.
- Crisps? - Yes.
- Beer? - Yes.
- Ham?
- Cooked ham. - Oh that, yes.
- Skins? - Of course.
- Marijuana? - Negro.
And... dirty girls that...
Hello gents.
"Alfalfa Juan."
He's a great guy, friendly, generous, interested in good causes.
He'd lent us the van to travel and as a result invited himself.
He's alright, but he's tiring,
one of those guys that never shuts up, knows it all, and dominates conversation.
It's going to be great!
They say there are alligators, condors, winged-rats, dragonflies, even sea-snails.
By the way, did you bring mosquito repellant?
Apparently smoking pot makes your blood tastier.
Yeah, makes sense. My buddhist master, Sinama Pongolle, gave me an ointment...
..based on African herbs and guana. I'll bring it, it'll be very useful.
- Wait here, I'm coming. - Of course.
Come on, quick, let's go.
Let's go. He's hard work.
Anyway, Khaki doesn't like him much.
Hey! Hey, you fuckers!
Guys! You fucking bastards.
The ointment, guys. The ointment.
The ointment.
What guys, total bastards.
But so clever, so funny.
Fuckers. Get your ointment because of the mosquitos. Yeah right, fuckers.
But such good guys, yeah, well have a good time.
EPISODE 6 "TALES AND LEGENDS"
That's how you do it.
Now that I remember...
..do you know who died?
I hate that question, man.
I could be a close relative or someone I don't care about.
Don't ask, just tell me who died.
So I'll tell you.
- It was Groove. - Groove?
- He ows me 50 euros. - Well he wishes he could pay you.
What happened?
You won't believe it.
The strangest death ever.
Crazy.
From cunnilingus.
- Yeah right. - From cunnilingus.
But not just any girl, with a bodybuilder.
But listen, not just a girl who keeps in shape.
The girl's massive, her legs! Well Groove died in there.
- Broken neck, right? - Just like that.
But that's interesting. His life was always related to sex.
From his birth
He lost his virginity before he was born.
That's impossible.
- I promise. - No way.
He was a siamese twin, with a sister. They were joined by the sexual organs.
- So she was born fucked. - That's crazy man.
One day I'll tell you his messy story.
It's a beautiful day.
You're really cute too.
I got you a little present.
Hey, Khaki!
- Hey sucker. - We've got beer you queer.
We've had good times.
I'll miss you, Nicky.
You see that, honey... ..that group of stars over there?
That's the Great Bear.
It's pretty, isn't it?
Hey, did you hear that?
It's a bit scary, it's so dark here, and far away from everything.
It's scary here.
Scary? The city is scary with all the nutters around you.
At least I know them, and where they live.
Anyway, here we could find a wolf...
..or a, I don't know, an assasin...
..or a gigantic salamander...
..or even the bogeyman!
When I was a kid my mum used to scare me with the bogeyman.
So now I'm scared of men with sacks and cement.
My mum, well, she scared me...
..with the Pink Panther.
What the fuck are you laughing about?
Man, nothing that's pink can be scary.
You wouldn't be scared of a massive pink panther with a huge tail?
Haha, yeah you're so brave, arseholes.
Man, that's lame.
Fear?
I'll tell you what fear is.
THE VILLAGE
Almost my entire company fell the night before.
Only two of my men were left standing.
Soldier Perez, a family guy, honest and very calm, a fighter.
And soldier Lopez, it was a miracle he was still alive.
I think he had no idea where he was, the fucking hippy disguised as a soldier.
Sir, he's been dead for over three hours. Why must I carry him?
Because we don't know when we'll find food.
Lopez! Where the fuck is Perez?
Who?
Idiot.
Lopez! Go and look for Perez!
Lopez!
You total fucking arsehole! Wake up! We're going to look for your comrade!
The place was empty.
A village destroyed by war.
Only ruins and silence.
What are you doing here, little girl?
Where are your parents?
God, you've got so messy!
Have you been eating, watermelon?
You little fucking bitch!
That's not something you eat!
That's poopoo! Poopoo!
Ca-uu-tee-on cua-ren-teeny area.
Shit, it's in Russian!
Her parents will be the same.
Lopez! Where are you going you queen!
Coward!
Lopez. Are you ok?
What?
Enough Khaki.
- You took that a bit far. - What?
Are you Rambo, or what?
Over the top buddy.
You've never been in a war.
Next he would have started with UFOs.
- Yep. What a guy. - Idiots.
You know nothing about my life.
Something really happened to me...
..which was really really scary.
THE HITCH-HIKER
I used to buy my grass in Huelva.
The gear was cheap and some of the best I ever tried.
But one drive home made me change supplier.
It's fucked.
Excuse me. Can you take me to 23 Arc Street?
Are you crazy girl? In the road in the middle of the night!
Actually, yeah, get in. I'll take you, you'll get cold there.
Isn't it a pretty night?
The party finished right?
It finished.
You smell lovely.
I love blue cheese.
What's a girl like you doing alone on an abandoned road like this?
So late too?
Waiting for you.
For me? For your prince, right princess?
You aren't the first, and you wont be the last.
Ok, the road, you alone...
..I get it now. Well..
..you've scored. Nothing could turn me off now.
But I just spent all my money, so I hope it isn't too expensive.
It's the same with everyone.
Of course, you didn't choose a good road.
Listen, I spent lots of money and I've been driving all night.
Shouldn't you really be closer to a city?
You'd get lots more clients there,
and more receptive.
Look I'm self-employed too and I'll give you some advice.
Study your client.
The client wants to shoot his load,
because he thinks it will make the journey easier, shorter and more relaxing.
Also, the trip will be nicer.
- Death... - Wait, look...
..we like to begin with fucking.
Yeah, after a great fuck it's nice to wake up cuddling in the morning.
But morning sex, at breakfast time, that's the best.
You think the whole day will be perfect, that everything will be fine.
What were you saying before?
Come to hell with me.
I'll show you the way.
Hang on silly... we'll crash... Soon you can show me whatever you want.
They kill me here every night.
Where is she?
Where did she go?
Fucking dick-tease!
Then I noticed she'd left a cardigan behind.
Bitch! I didn't know if she'd fallen out, jumped out or what.
But I did know her address and that she wasn't going to leave me with ball-ache.
Hi, what's up kid. Listen, I picked a girl up on the road.
- She left this cardigan beh... - Mum!
Another one.
- Hello young man. - Good evening, look...
I picked this girl up, and...
..well she left this cardigan in my car.
It's my daughgter Sandra's, but she died over ten years ago.
But how? That's impossible?
But... but... I just...
You get used to it. Every night some idiot like you shows up.
- And the cardigan? - In the basket, with all the others.
Good night.
So what did you do?
What do you think? Not one, nor two, nor three...
..but three times I had a wank on my way home.
Of course, I used the cardigan to clean up.
If a girl in underwear scares you,
then you're just a poof, man.
Look, it's just that we aren't used to fucking inanimate objects.
Assholes.
At least my story had zombies and shooting in it.
And I didn't even get to the bit with the women in leather.
Anyway, with less facial hair you looked like a kid.
How do you know about that?
I never said that I had less facial hair, did I?
Sometime we don't say what happened to us because we know nobody will believe us.
MESSAGE IN A LUMP
A few months ago, after a long day's work, whilst relaxing, a junky came up to me.
He seemed to be looking for someone to tell his whole fucking life story.
These guys always turn up when you least want to speak.
- Is it alright to sit here chief? - Of course.
- This here... - Sure, have some.
This place is magic.
I don't think magic smells so much like shit.
The ignorance of youth!
I used to be in a band.
We made records, we even got a golden cd.
But then I fell into drugs, and that causes problems.
One time I was also young though,
and warm beer together with bad hash were enough for me too.
I'm ignorant, but I still see you aren't as old or as wise as you think.
This is the best gear in the city.
I saw it come out of a Moor's bum with my own eyes.
When I'm talking about magic...
..I'm talking about this lump.
So roll one.
As much as you crumble it, it never gets smaller.
It always keeps it's colour and shine.
Look.
The problem is that whoever wants it needs to pay too high a price.
You fell for it.
You muppet.
I'll see you soon.
Shit. He took that really well.
When the wheel is furious and the disciple burns in the same hell as your hands...
..the dark dreamer rises from the mud to fulfill my desires.
What?
It's blank.
Oh it isn't.
I couldn't stop thinking about that note...
..the hash and the mysterious junky too.
Was I supposed to know that phrase from the dream? No chance.
I didn't have anything important to do that day anyway.
- Cool man, where you going? - Cardon, number 13.
Cool place, right! Have you been? They do raves.
I was there with a few guys...
..I think it was a rave.
The music man! Going tum tum... ..everyone was going nuts.
Then pills, mushrooms, beer, whatever. Yeah up the nose.
Here, have a bit of special K! And bam, I was so wasted,
So I went for a piss...
..it took a while, right, I was wasted.
The sky and the clouds looked sweet. I looked at the sky...
..I saw a light, and it wasn't the moon.
It wasn't any fucking star, it was... ..and it couldn't be a plane.
I reckon it was a UFO man. Don't fuck my high!
A UFO, what? So I was like, is it real?
Get to fuck, shitty martian. Fuck off.
Piss off with your fucking aliens and your fucking family, fucking wanker.
If you fuck my high I'll kill you!
Come on I'll tear you a new asshole!
MDMA and E.T. man.
They're fucking with my mind man.
Good day, Jesus. You're on time.
Sorry, who the fuck are you?
I'm Ariel Russel. I work on the agreements and pacts with hell team.
Look.
According to my records, at approximately 19:45 yesterday...
..you wilfully accepted to give your soul to our organisation.
What? I didn't accept anything.
I'll explain. The hash you so ably stole from that beggar...
..is considered an unbreakable pact with us.
According to article 15-6, you need to sign the final contract today.
Look, I'll be honest.
I took the hash, but try to understand, doing that...
..improved my quality of life.
I couldn't let it slip by.
I totally understand, my friend, but the crisis hits us all.
We all have problems. I, myself, have another job.
I don't just work for hell, I'm also with Jehova Witness and Amazon.
I'm flat out. Try to understand my position.
Please sign here and here, and initial here.
That's what I suspected, so I have copies.
Sign it properly please,
"Go blow goats, sphincter boy" doesn't work for me.
Ok.
Jesus, you can't hide!
Keep calm, gents.
What's up guys!
What are you doing here, buddy?
I hope you brought some beers.