Hitchhiking Across China: Thumbs Up Season 3 (Part 1/5)


Uploaded by vice on 22.08.2012

Transcript:

DAVID CHOE: Three.
Season three, "Thumbs Up." What's up, everyone?
My name is David Choe.
I'm here with the son of my uncle's cousin, Harry Kim, AKA
Guam Cruise, AKA Horny Kim, AKA Harry Kim.
Gettin' down.
Got ribs.
Anyways, "Thumbs Up." This is a show about hitchhiking,
riding trains, riding airplanes, riding boats.
Any means necessary to get across whatever
country that might be.
Today that country happens to be China.
That's where we are right now.
In BJ, Beijing.
A city known for Peking Duck and hand release.
And it's the art capital of the world right now.
We're going to hitchhike across this country.
We're going to go someplace, maybe warm, someplace
hopefully where there's gambling and some
nice looking ladies.

We're going to start that adventure today.
But before we start--
you know, in a perfect world, I would make a living from
hitchhiking.
Unfortunately, I make my living from drawing pictures,
and painting stuff, and pushing pigment around.
And that's what brought me here.
I have my first art show in China.
So come on America, come on China.
Come see what I do for a living.
Why don't you get to know me a little bit?
Let's check out some art.
"Thumbs Up" season three.

Hey.
Let's go to look my room.

Oh.
Look who we have here.

So, this is basically where I've been living for
the last two weeks.
Three weeks, now.
And this is where I stay, where I put my whole show of
art together for China.
I never been here before.
And the skies were grey, there's soldiers, there's
dirty ass street markets.
And all this stuff was amazing for inspiration for all the
paintings and stuff, but it's bleak.
There's nothing out where I am.
And I was painting like I was a monk.
And I got really fuckin' horny.
I wanted to fuck so bad.
But I don't speak the language.
I don't speak one word of Chinese.
From here, we went to the mall.
It was the first time I had been around
women in three weeks.
So I was looking pretty much how I look now, sleazy as
fuck, holding a bucket of KFC, eating the chicken, going down
the elevator, trying to look up skirts.
Trying to hit on girls.
Ni hao.
Not having very good luck with it.
I just got a raging boner at the Chinese mall.

I couldn't [INAUDIBLE]
to any of these girls.
So I came back to this room right here.
Harry was pretending to be sleeping.
And I fucking jacked off day and night for 36 hours.
And in this angle right here, after my my penis was stuck to
my leg like this and I couldn't fucking
touch myself anymore.
I looked up his metal ceiling beams right here.
And there's like a metal rust pattern on there.
And in my zapped out state, that pattern of the old man
popped out at me.
So I grabbed my sketchbook and I started drawing this old man
staring at me.
This sort of became a catalyst for the new shit that I did
out here, which was this old pervert, hanging out at the
mall, staring at chicks.
Everyone always asks me what my art's about.
And it's about the gigantic pervert that lives inside me.
Scumbag.
We're all scumbags.

So this is the old man.
This is the oil painting I did from that little sketch from
the old man on the ceiling.
And I did a ton of these outside.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I tried to talk to many girls today so far, and
none of them speak English.
Mia seems to speak perfect English, so we're going to
talk to her a little bit.
MIA: And I'm such a fan.
DAVID CHOE: You're a fan?
MIA: Yes I am.
DAVID CHOE: Oh, cool.
Me and Harry are going to leave tomorrow on a
hitchhiking trip.
you Do you think anyone's going to pick us up?
Do you think it's a good idea, a bad idea?
MIA: I just think it's going to be tough, because
hitchhiking is not really part of Chinese culture.
Are you just going to do this?
Or are you going to have a little board?
DAVID CHOE: If we make a sign, what should the sign say?
MIA: Say, pick me up, I'm an artist.
DAVID CHOE: Pick me up, I'm an artist?
Other signs we've had in America, we just write, we
have vaginas.
And we toss salads.
And that's the signs we have.
MIA: Wow.
Good luck.
DAVID CHOE: Good luck, OK.

So, Harry's sister lives in China.
And I told him, no hoes on the road.
We got to keep it bros only.
And this fucking guy.
And his sister's the most fucking annoying--
why did you do that?
HARRY KIM: I don't know.
We're in the same city, dude.
I don't know.
DAVID CHOE: Shh.
Here she comes.
Hi, Stephanie.
STEPHANIE: Hey!
HARRY KIM: Hi, Stephanie!
Hey!

DAVID CHOE: Hi, hi.

So.
How's China?
STEPHANIE: It's good.
What the fuck?
You guys going to try and go on a roadtrip without me?
DAVID CHOE: All right.
You really want to come?
STEPHANIE: Yeah, please.
DAVID CHOE: All right, so I have had fun talking to people
in Chinese that don't speak Chinese.
But Stephanie speaks a little Chinese, so she can help us.
This might fuck up the combo we have.
The equation.

All right.
Let's do it.

What else do we need here?
HARRY KIM: Just a suit.
DAVID CHOE: I gotta look sharp.
I'm going hitchhiking.
I gotta look slick.

How's that look?
HARRY KIM: It's sharp.
DAVID CHOE: All right.
We've got cabbage.
We got mad cabbage.
All we need is a ride.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up!
HARRY KIM: Thumbs up.

DAVID CHOE: Me, Stephanie, and Harry, we just got a ride from
the darkest Chinese man I've ever seen in my life, with the
most beautiful smile.
He just dropped us off in this bombed-out building.
The gallery kicked me out.
I'm in Beijing still.
I think this is a good place to set up camp for tonight and
the get ready to head out.
I wasn't ready for our new addition, but let's see
how it works out.
Let's check out the spot.

HARRY KIM: This looks nice.
DAVID CHOE: Goodnight, America.
Thumbs up.
Thumbs up, China.
I love you, even though you don't speak English.
Engrish.
See you tomorrow.

"Thumbs Up," China.
It's our second day on the road, our third day filming.
So I guess, officially, "Thumbs Up" China, season
three, day three.
Horrible sleep last night.
The smell of petrified shit filling our nose.
We ended up waking up super early.
Beijing's cool, but I'm ready to see the rest of China.
I guess in China you can walk right on to the freeway.

We're trying to get a ride.
I'm pretty tired.
Let's see if she can get something going.

I've never traveled with a female companion.
Harry's always been enough woman for me to get a ride.
Stephanie's working her magic.
We'll see if her female charms work against the gruff Chinese
truck drivers.
In America, the truck drivers almost never pick up because
of insurance reasons.
I don't know if it's the same out here.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: All right.
There's one more truck right there.

Stephanie's first try, fail.
But don't be mad.
There's another truck.
Let's give it another shot.
There's another truck, too.
I think our chances are going to be good here.
They said nobody picks up hitchhikers, but we'll see
what happens.

Tell him he's very handsome and I want to interview him
while he's driving.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Yeah?
All right!
Yes.
A lovely couple, empty bus, our first ride.
Thumbs up, China.

Hey, tell them I'm going to sing a song for them.

STEPHANIE: She can understand you.
[INAUDIBLE]
DAVID CHOE: Oh, you understand?
STEPHANIE: [INAUDIBLE]
DAVID CHOE: What?

It doesn't get [INAUDIBLE]
than this.
America, look.
We just got our first ride.
Look, a completely empty bus.
There's no one in here.
And we got fruits, snacks, and a gold mic.
Stephanie, you want to take a song?
Stephanie failed on her first try.
Her second try popped her cherry.
You got a ride.
Man, fuck everyone that said we're not going to get picked
up in China.
High five, everyone.
Come on.
High five, high five, high five.
High five, come on.

Is she mad that her husband picked us up?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: She's pretty pissed.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Oh, no, no, no, she's not pissed.

I would very much like to find a Chinese wife for
myself or for Harry.
But all the Chinese go so far say they don't like us because
we play around too much.
A Chinese girl?
STEPHANIE: She says how can Chinese people
not like you guys?
DAVID CHOE: That's what I'm saying.
[WEIRD HUMMING]
DAVID CHOE: Whoa, what's going on back here?
Something's happening.

Oh, whoa.
HARRY KIM: [SINGING]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
HARRY KIM: [SINGING]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: You'll be rich.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
HARRY KIM: [SINGING]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: Oh, Badaling.
We're almost at the first stop of the Great Wall of China.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: This is fucking great.
The guy is dropping me by the Great Wall of China.
I've fucking wanted to paint the Great Wall of China my
entire life, and it's happening now.
Man, I'm in love with this country.
I love China, I love Stephanie, I love Harry, I
love this girl, I love her son, and I love the guy.

Bye!
Is this the Great Wall of China?
STEPHANIE: No, it's right there, fool.
DAVID CHOE: Oh my god!
STEPHANIE: You're fucking retarded.
DAVID CHOE: Oh my god, dude.
This is fucking awesome.
Just got our first ride, and he dropped us off at the Great
fucking Wall of China.
I'm going to fucking paint that shit, dude, it's awesome.

Lifetime fantasy, fulfilled.
Another one, off the checklist.
Was to paint the entire Great Wall of China.
But that was what I was young, dumb, and full of cum.
I'm fucking about to turn 33 in a couple of weeks.
And one brick is enough.
Right?
HARRY KIM: One at a time.
DAVID CHOE: Let's get out of here.
Hey, fuck this shit.
Hey, everyone.
More human shit at the Great Wall.
Fucking take a shit at the Great Wall.
STEPHANIE: Grow up.

DAVID CHOE: So we're eating at this restaurant, and I don't
understand Chinese and Stephanie's taking a shit.
But basically, I think these girls think Harry's Buddha.
They started rubbing his belly and catcalling him.
Look at him, they're loving it.

He just danced and took pictures
with them for an hour.
They gave us a free tofu and a free chicken.
The guy's a pimp, man.
He's fucking Buddha.
The funky Buddha.
Look, all the chefs came out to see us.
Look.
FEMALE SPEAKER: I love you!
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID CHOE: Give her a kiss!
HARRY KIM: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: I love you!

DAVID CHOE: Another day, another show.
Day four.
"Thumbs Up" Chinese.
Yesterday was a pretty amazing day.
We have a wonderful new addition to the team.
Miss Stephanie is here to help us.
I don't think I've ever gotten a ride so quickly.
She did a fail on the first ride and then we got picked up
on the second one by a tour bus couple.
And then we offered them our singing dog boy Harry as a
side show attraction.
And they refused, but they did give us a pretty awesome ride.
I got to fulfill my lifelong fantasy of
painting the Great Wall.
And then we ended up in a town last night called--
hey, what's the name of this town?
STEPHANIE: We're in Datong, right?
DAVID CHOE: We're in Datong.
DAVID CHOE: They said it's the stepping point to Mongolia.
But it's also the dust bowl of China.
DAVID CHOE: Mongolia?
STEPHANIE: We should go west along the Yellow River.
DAVID CHOE: All right, let's go.
I got this suit made, and the crotch
ripped while I was squatting.
I don't know how to sew, so I have duct tape
and this red shit.
Stephanie, she found a place to get my pants fixed.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I went like this.
I went like this and it went (RIPPING SOUND).
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
They want you to go inside.

Did I scare the ladies off?
It's right here.

So, not a good day for me.
I ripped my pants.
I just got my pants fixed.
I'm pretty sick, I think I have the flu, and I have
explosive diarrhea.
I had to shit four times this morning already, almost once
in my pants.

All right, let's go.

Either the Chinese Santa Claus lives here, or the Chinese
Spider-Man.

STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. HUANG: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
His name is Mr. Huang.
DAVID CHOE: Mr. Huang.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. HUANG: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: He's already married.
DAVID CHOE: Tell him he's very handsome.
You're very handsome.
You're beautiful.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: You have a killer smile.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. HUANG: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
He's the hottest dude in Datong.
DAVID CHOE: Tell him, can he give us a ride?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Harry will dance in the car [INAUDIBLE].
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Things are so easy when you
have tits and a pussy.
Look at them.

These guys got jizz coming out of their ears.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
OK.
DAVID CHOE: OK, Let's go.

STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. ZHAO: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: That was the fucking slowest
ride we ever got.
This fucking vehicle we're riding is
powered by sesame oil.

You like that?
You like it?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. ZHAO: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: I'm an interior decorator.
I'm going to paint this house for you, OK?
This is for you.

Harry, come here.
I'm going to paint you.
HARRY KIM: [HOWLING]
DAVID CHOE: What's his name?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. ZHAO: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: Zhao.
DAVID CHOE: Zhao.
STEPHANIE: Mr. Zhao.
DAVID CHOE: Mr. Zhao, what do you do for a living?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. ZHAO: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: He demolishes.
DAVID CHOE: He demolishes?
So we'll definitely help him.

STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Ask him if any of these give you energy.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Sensual.
Sensual power.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: No, no, no, this power.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Which of these makes my dick hardest?
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: He says this one makes your cum more flavorful.
DAVID CHOE: This one?
STEPHANIE: This one.
DAVID CHOE: This peanut that's a little bit burnt gives your
jizz a little smoky, roasty flavor.
Who's the boss?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: You're the boss?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: He's the boss?
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: He says they're all bosses.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Please give us a ride out of this area.
Please?
Please?
MALE SPEAKER: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: Ride or die, China.
Fucking love you.
We could never have this much luck getting rides.
Pussy power.
I love women.
STEPHANIE: Panda.
Panda titties.
DAVID CHOE: (LAUGHS) Panda titties rule.

Thank you for the ride.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. XI: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: How old is he?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. XI: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
He's 21!
DAVID CHOE: What!
HARRY KIM: Ohhh.
STEPHANIE: Aw, he can drink and drive now.
DAVID CHOE: No college, straight to driving?
Construction?
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. XI: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
DAVID CHOE: What's his name?
STEPHANIE: Uh, Mr. Xi
DAVID CHOE: Mr. Xi.
Pimping sweater.
Pimping sweater, dude.
Dope ass fucking sweater, man.

All right, Mr. Xi.
Have a good one.
STEPHANIE: [SPEAKING CHINESE]
MR. XI: [SPEAKING CHINESE]