Happy Jesus To You

Well hello there, happy Jesus to
you and welcome to the new year. Yes it's that time of year again,
the time we celebrate Santa's birthday with those we know and
love. If you are religious I respect and understand that for you is all
about the birth of Jesus Christ. But if you're like me and you
couldn't name the 12 apostles if you tried... there's Matthew,
John? Paul. Ringo? Yoko. No hang on, she wasn't invited.
For people like me Christmas
is all about appreciation and spending time with friends and
family. There are however a couple of things that pop up
every year that no matter how hard or how often I try, I just
can't like them. No, I'm not talking about family and I'm not
talking about shonky gifts. Like that heavily discounted CD
you wouldn't even use as a coaster. No, I'm talking about
things that pop up at Christmas dinners.
And these are:
The crappy jokes in Christmas
bon bons. What do you call a crate of ducks?
A box of quackers. That doesn't even have a joke.
Is that the joke? What kind of cough medicine
does Dracula take? Coffin medicine.
No matter how drunk I am, they're just not funny.
Licorice all sorts. Who invited them anyway?
Nobody likes them. Nobody even brought the packet. Yet every
year there's a bowel of them that just appears out of nowhere.
Every year I give one a go, hoping it's not going to taste like
a re-treaded tyre. But every year they still go ahead and taste
like shit. The last few things I'd like to
draw your attention to are all derived from the same family.
These are: Christmas Cake.
I'm sorry, all you're doing here is renaming something and expecting
me to be excited by it. We can all do that.
Hey kids, it's a Big Mac. Here Merry Christmas, I got you
and iPhone. Christmas cake is just fruit cake
renamed. Let's not pretend it's anything else. This one is
exceedingly merry. What is that? Wax?
In the same family as Christmas cake is Christmas pudding.
Not only could this kill a man, but the truth of the matter is that
at least 80% of people who eat Christmas pudding on
Christmas day, don't like it. They're just being polite when
you ask: "Would anyone like some Christmas pudding?"
No. Nobody want Christmas pudding. You can easily tell
who these people are. The strategy is to drown it in
something else to mask the taste, mash it up, play around
with it for ten minutes, then push it all to one side to make
it look like you ate something. I can hear a couple of people
right now saying, "But I love Christmas pudding!"
Firstly, no you don't. Secondly, you're over 65, aren't you?
And the defense rests. And to those people who make
their own puddings, please stop putting stuff in my food.
Maybe before the war finding that sixpence you hid in the
pudding was seen as lucky, but let me tell you, that coin
isn't even coming close to the cost of the dental bill I cop
from damaging myself on all the random bits of crap that
you put inside a pudding. Coins, thimbles, anchors,
what's that about? I don't want to have to file Occupational
Health & Safety Reports on Christmas. Where to we draw
the line? I mean hell, why stop there? Some wiring.
Oh look, an old fashioned iron, how'd that get in there?
Bit of broken glass there. Some heavily discounted CD
you wouldn't even use as a coaster. Lastly, we have no
proof that God exists, but we do have proof that the Devil
exists because he made mince pies. And what could
possibly be worse than a mince pie? Gluten bloody
free mince pies. I think in order to be gluten
free they contain sawdust. And peel! Why?!
So every year in the spirit of Christmas I try these things
hoping they've changed. But once again,
they disappoint. Leave a comment if you've
got any additional items to add to that list, and I'll be sure
to serve them up to my loved ones next year.
So from me and mine to you and yours, Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year. May it be filled with love,
laughter, health, happiness, mystery, music.
Ok maybe not that.