Broad City's Abbi Jacobson & Ilana Glazer LIVE - 8/7/12 (Full Ep)

BETH HOYT: We are warming up.
Big competition coming up.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey guys.
Welcome to My Damn Channel Live.
It's Tuesday, which means it's our Olympic day, which means
those must be Olympic athletes behind me or at least friends
or comedians who I'm going to force to do an Olympic
competition with me.
It's Ilana Glazaer and--
no.
It's hard to do it in the background.
Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson from Broad City.
Say hi, ladies.
ALANNA: Hi.
ABBY: Hi ladies.
BETH HOYT: OK.
I won't interrupt their warm up.
Later on Ilana, Abbi, and I are going to be competing for
the gold in a very special event.
Up next the three of us are going to do
faces of the Olympics.
Stay tuned to find out what that means.
Now, give me a minute to do my facial warm up.
It's embarrassing.
I can't do it in front of you.
In the meantime, enjoy this My Damn Channel
original Olympic moment.

MITCHER DAVIS: Hi, hello.
This is [INAUDIBLE]
Davis and you are watching My Damn Channel Live.
[BELL]
BETH HOYT: Hello, I'm back and I am not alone.
I'm here with the ladies at Broad City, Ilana Glazer and
Abbi Jacobson.
If you guys haven't gone to their site,
broadcitytheshow.com, and watched and re watched their
amazing show, you're going to want to go on that.
I love Broad City.
Thank you for being here.
ABBI JACOBSON: Thank you for having us.
This is like a pleasure.
BETH HOYT: Good.
For us too.
ABBI JACOBSON: It's like, come on.
BETH HOYT: I really love your show.
And exciting things and well deserved things
are happening right.
ILANA GLAZER: I hope it's deserved.
I would like to think so.
BETH HOYT: I didn't mean to leave that as a question.
Do you think it's deserved?
ILANA GLAZER: No, no.
You didn't leave that as a question.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, a pilot is in development.
ABBI JACOBSON: Yep.
It's exciting.
We're really excited.
BETH HOYT: All right, enough about you guys.
Have you been watching the Olympics?
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah, I have.
BETH HOYT: We're going to go with that.
ILANA GLAZER: Yeah.
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah, I have.
BETH HOYT: Fantastic.
Great.
Well, we can figure this out.
ILANA GLAZER: I get it.
BETH HOYT: We get it.
Something I love about the Olympics are the faces.
And it's so hard to rely on the networks to capture the
reactions of people and the rejection stuff, not just the
faces of the superstars because we all know what
Michael Phelps looks like.
We get it.
He's got too many teeth.
We understand.
I want to see the faces of all the other people.
So we're going to play a little game.
We put a bunch of faces of that happen in the Olympics in
this fish bowl.
We're going take turns pulling one out and performing that
face, This is an example.
OK.
You just got bronze and you should act happy for your
country, but basically you lost.
OK, that looks like this.

ILANA GLAZER: That was so good.
BETH HOYT: All right, this is just a game.
This is not the official competition.
So let's play.
I did that one.
Abbi, you go first or second.
ABBI JACOBSON: OK.
BETH HOYT: They don't know what these say.
We're just going wild.
ABBI JACOBSON: OK.
You just won but the person next to you just
farted their sadness.
It's a bad fart.
BETH HOYT: But you did just win.
ABBI JACOBSON: I did just win.

BETH HOYT: Great job.
Really good.
ILANA GLAZER: That was so good.
ABBI JACOBSON: Ilana just farted.
She made it very easy for me.
BETH HOYT: You guys are a good team.
ABBI JACOBSON: It's support.
BETH HOYT: You're looking out for each other.
ILANA GLAZER: It's method, you know.
It has to be real.
OK.
This is two.
You just lost to the same person who
beat you last Olympics.
That sucks.
OK.
So wait.
I just lost again.
OK.
The same person.

BETH HOYT: I feel that despair and anger, just like,
resentment towards that person.
Yep.
Gosh, good.
You took me there.
That was really good.
OK.
This one is-- oh wait.
We have a Twitter comment or question.
This is from Luvs1direction9.
What is your favorite-- uh oh-- what is your favorite
thing to do with your friends?
BTW, you are awesome and nice.
ILANA GLAZER: Aw, that is so cute.
That was nice.
Do you know One Direction?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
ABBI JACOBSON: I know who they are.
ILANA GLAZER: That is so cute.
BETH HOYT: What do you think about One Direction?
You have their posters on your wall?
ILANA GLAZER: I saw a picture of the like whatever, the only
brown one on it.
And I was like that kid's hot.
And I was like, aw, they're in One Direction.
I think they're like over 18--
BETH HOYT: Took away the sexiness from you.
ILANA GLAZER: --but it still made me feel guilty.
ABBI JACOBSON: I'm not a huge fan.
I'm not a huge fan.
BETH HOYT: OK.
ILANA GLAZER: Who's your favorite?
BETH HOYT: Yeah, what's his first and last name--
the first and last name of your favorite?
ABBI JACOBSON: He's got like a side.
ILANA GLAZER: That's Justin Bieber.
ABBI JACOBSON: He just flings it over.
BETH HOYT: No, that was just Justin Timberlake and NSYNC.
ILANA GLAZER: OK.
ABBI JACOBSON: They're all the same.
They're the same.
ILANA GLAZER: And it was years ago, Abbi.
BETH HOYT: What was the question?
What do you like to do with your friends?
Talk about One Direction or NSYNC.
I did go to an NSYNC concert in high school.
Kind of started off as a joke but we also did put their
picture on our--
oh, good story about that.
We ended up being like, wow, they are so obsessed.
This girl in front of us was really big.
And she had a tattoo on her arm that said fat one.
And my friends were all like--
took me out of the concert for me to realize, why
would you do that?
And then we realized the other girl said they all picked a
person in NSYNC and it was Fatone, Joey Fatone.
ILANA GLAZER: Oh. my God.
ABBI JACOBSON: That's awesome.
BETH HOYT: But she had chosen to separate--
I mean, her friends were not looking out for her.
ILANA GLAZER: That sucks.
BETH HOYT: OK.
I'm going to do this face now.
This is number one.
You just finished first place but your nipple is showing.
All right, so that's a good news and a yikes.
All right, ready?

OK.
ILANA GLAZER: That's so good.
It's subtle.
BETH HOYT: I was kind of nervous doing that, yeah.
I felt it.
Felt the wind on--OK, number four.

ABBI JACOBSON: You're focused and about to do the balance
beam but you really, really have to pee.

BETH HOYT: It looks like it's really going to take it out of
you, having to pee in this competition.
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, my God.
That was so good.
BETH HOYT: That would be tough.
You don't ever see them take bathroom breaks in gymnastics.
ABBI JACOBSON: You're not allowed to at the Olympics--
ever.
BETH HOYT: Maybe they don't ever have to.
They're so tiny.
ABBI JACOBSON: That'd be sad.
BETH HOYT: No bladders.
ILANA GLAZER: OK.
Are we still saying--
BETH HOYT: Yeah, number six.
ILANA GLAZER: Number Six.
The last hurdle looks high.
How do you look when you're going over it?
Oh.
Like this.
BETH HOYT: So the hurdle looks higher than you think.
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Oh, that's so good.
ABBI JACOBSON: A still shot.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
Yeah you got to like--
because you'll bring the energy from your
face into the hurdle.
OK, another tweet we have is from VanessaJean.
What was the inspiration for Broad City?
ILANA GLAZER: I did not expect--
ABBI JACOBSON: Who is that from?
ILANA GLAZER: VanessaJean.
ABBI JACOBSON: Vanessa.
You are so sweet.
I think it sprung out of our friendship.
ILANA GLAZER: Yeah.
We were just friends and we were like, you're like
annoying but I, like, love you, you know?
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah.
And we were just hanging out and both wanting to do
something online video wise and both just
sort of decided to--
ILANA GLAZER: Do it.
ABBI JACOBSON: --join forces.
BETH HOYT: And you're a great team.
ABBI JACOBSON: Thanks.

BETH HOYT: We'll do one more.
I'm going to do it.
Which one should we do guys?
Let's do this one.
OK.
It's number ten.
You just won gold and a deal with Nike, but you just
realized that money and fame don't matter.
OK.
So.

OK, great.
But they do matter.
And when we come back, it's competition time.
And this time, you guys are going to choose the winner.
So stay in there and you're going to vote for us.
First though, while we get set up, another My Damn Channel
Olympic moment.

BELLA THORNE: Hey, what's up?
I'm Bella Thorne and you're watching My (SINGING)
do-do-do-do Channel Live, yay.

BETH HOYT: Hey, here we go.
It's time for our Olympic competition, rhythmic
gymnastics.
Rhythm is a dancer.
OK.
Each competitor has chosen their own music.
We'll get 20 seconds each to dance and you, the viewer,
will decide in the comments who the winner should be.
Vote fairly.
OK.
Let's do this.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): From Saint James, Long Island, New
York, Ilana Glazer.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: So now it's Cosby.
It's the opening of the Cosby Show.

Wow.
Wow.
Great ending.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): From Wayne,
Pennsylvania, Abbi Jacobson.

BETH HOYT: Go Abbi.
Oh, my gosh.

This is going to be emotional.

It's like she's got fire in her pants.
ILANA GLAZER: This is like upsetting in her life.
BETH HOYT: This is really bringing up
some things for me.
ILANA GLAZER: Exactly.
BETH HOYT: Wow.
She's going there.
She's really going there.
ILANA GLAZER: It's like she's convincing us of something,
and I'm believing it.
BETH HOYT: I'm sensing pain.
Wow.

Great job, Abbi.

MALE SPEAKER (OFFSCREEN): From America's heartland,
Manitowoc, Wisconsin, Beth Hoyt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]
ILANA GLAZER: There is competition.
This is looking good.

ABBI JACOBSON: This is so good.

Wow.
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, my God.
That is so good.

Shut up.

BETH HOYT: All right, you guys get on the chat and you vote
for who you think should win.
We will tally up the scores.
Here's a My Damn Channel Olympic moment.
We'll be right back with the metal ceremony.
Good luck, guys.

LUKE CONNORD: Hey, what's up guys.
My name is Luke Connord, and you're watching My Damn
Channel Live.

BETH HOYT: OK, we've calculated all the scores and
factored in the extreme difficulty of my routine.
And Nate, can I have the--
ILANA GLAZER: I mean, you just blind sided me.
BETH HOYT: Nate, so you're not going to be in this one today
because we don't need you.
So just keep doing your job.
All right, in this envelope, the official winners.
In this--
OK, it's in this one.

All right, with the bronze medal, you guys
voted for Abbi Jacobson.
Bronze medal.
It was so passionate.
I mean, congratulations.
ABBI JACOBSON: It was a bad music choice.
BETH HOYT: I do call bronze last place, but you call it
whatever you want to call it.
With the silver medal, we have--
oh, my God.
Who's it going to be?
Ilana Glazer, I'm sorry, really close to gold
but it's just not.
It's the non winner, which means-- can you just put it up
there for me that the Gold medal goes to Beth Hoyt.
I'm going to stand up here.
Now, I'm really a giant.
That feels really good.
Thank you so much for voting, you guys.
And if we could all just put our hands on our hearts and
salute the My Damn Channel flag while we play our
national anthem.
ILANA GLAZER: You're already taller than us.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I know.
That was good.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
BETH HOYT: Feels so good, OK.
Thank you so much for joining us.
Tomorrow we've got a really big show.
Oh, we've got a comment right now from YouTube that we're
going to look at.
This from chrishon221.
Everyone wins.
Smiley face.
ILANA GLAZER: I love that.
BETH HOYT: That's a great comment.
ILANA GLAZER: Thank you for saying that.
ABBI JACOBSON: It brought me back.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, it's a great thing for you
guys to go home with.
I'll go home with this.
But anyway, we have a really big show tomorrow.
John Benjamin will be here.
Also the star of [INAUDIBLE]
will stop by to help us premier that new episode.
Thank you so much.
Thank you guys for coming and playing and doing your dancing
and the faces.
ILANA GLAZER: Thanks for winning.
ABBI JACOBSON: Love this metal.
BETH HOYT: Thanks for creating your awesome show.
We've got a special treat for you right now.
If you want to know more about Broad City,
check out this video.
We're going to play it for you right now.

ABBI JACOBSON: Come on.
We are not going to make it.
ILANA GLAZER: We are.
If we run we will.
If we run we will.
Yeah, we're going to do it.
ABBI JACOBSON: We have no time.
ILANA GLAZER: We're going to make it.
We have to run.
ABBI JACOBSON: We're going to fuck the door.
ILANA GLAZER: I hate this train.
ABBI JACOBSON: We're going to fuck the door.
ILANA GLAZER: We will.
We will.
We will.
We will.
ABBI JACOBSON: I want to know what's going on right now.

ILANA GLAZER: Come on, this way.

-Yeah, ladies.
It's looking like delicious meat.
ABBI JACOBSON: Fuck off, man.
Are you kidding me?
-Get behind that deli counter.
Bounce, bounce, bounce.
-I'm sorry there's so much pain in the world and we need
so much money to help them.
Do they smoke weed?
You like the weed?
You know the amount of money you spend on weed could buy an
Icelandic kid a liver?
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, God.
OK.
I'm so sorry.
ABBI JACOBSON: We gotta go.
I'm sorry.
-It's hard to hear, isn't it?
Think about that when you're getting stoned.
ILANA GLAZER: Amy.
-Go on without me.
Save yourselves.
There's too many oranges.
ABBI JACOBSON: Can't you just move the oranges away?
-I'm trying.
They're too heavy.
There's too many of them.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
LUKE CONNORD: I really appreciate your talent.
[MUSIC TALENT]
ABBI JACOBSON: He's really nice.
He's really nice.
I can just tell.
I know I can tell that he's a big guy.
I think he probably has a really big penis.
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, well, it's not always going to hurt.
It's not that bad.
That's not the worst problem that you can have.
ABBI JACOBSON: No, it's not.
But you--
ILANA GLAZER: Seriously, if you--
it shortens the lengths of it if you put your legs up--
ABBI JACOBSON: OK, we're in--
ILANA GLAZER: I'm just saying that it--
ABBI JACOBSON: I got it.
I got it.
Hey.
ILANA GLAZER: What's up?
ABBI JACOBSON: So I wrote back, smiley face, I'm not
that popular bucko.
ILANA GLAZER: Did you send that already?
ABBI JACOBSON: Yes, I sent it.
ILANA GLAZER: OK.
It's fine.
It's fine.
What did he say?
ABBI JACOBSON: OK, so then he goes, ha ha.
You working tomorrow morning?
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, my--
oh, my God.
ABBI JACOBSON: I'm just saying they're not a
leg on their own.
ILANA GLAZER: Right.
ABBI JACOBSON: But like, Laura Linney to me is like Nikki
Minage is to you.
ILANA GLAZER: Exactly.
ABBI JACOBSON: So you didn't even read The Hours?
ILANA GLAZER: Read?
No.
I saw the movie, and I hated it.
ABBI JACOBSON: You only had two glasses of wine?
Oh, my God.
This is so disgusting.
Why are we doing this right now?
ILANA GLAZER: Oh, God.
I hate drinking.
ABBI JACOBSON: Why am I on here with you?
ILANA GLAZER: I'm so sorry.
ABBI JACOBSON: All right, well, I was maybe thinking
this skirt to be like modern Mad Men kind of feel?
ILANA GLAZER: That is cute.
But then you wouldn't want to set the precedent that you're
going to wear a skirt every day.
I just had to make sure it was as bad as I remembered.

ABBI JACOBSON: Ilana.
What the fuck?

Are you kidding me?
He's still there?
ILANA GLAZER: Yeah, it's the morning.
I fucking love fucking dogs.

Oh, I just mean I love dogs, period.
ABBI JACOBSON: I feel really accepted here.
Like we're part of the class.
ILANA GLAZER: I know.
It's special.
ABBI JACOBSON: I know.
ILANA GLAZER: And it's really cheap.
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah, but it's not about the money.
It's about community.
ILANA GLAZER: Yeah, but it's a little bit about the money.
ABBI JACOBSON: Can you just let me relax for a second?
Jesus.
-New ladies on the block.
I love it.
You know, you're beautiful, you know that?
ILANA GLAZER: Yuck.
-You know proportions?
You know what proportions are?
ABBI JACOBSON: Yeah.
-You got the right proportions,
both of you, yeah.
ILANA GLAZER: You're grossing me out.
I'm an adult, dude.
I'm a person.
ABBI JACOBSON: [INAUDIBLE].
Can't we just hang out without this shit happening?
ILANA GLAZER: Seriously.
-We can hang out wherever.
ILANA GLAZER: Not you.
-Baby, we hang out wherever, baby.
ILANA GLAZER: You think you're going to like, come up to us
and like, fuck us somewhere?
[MUSIC - PUBLIC ENEMY, "FIGHT THE POWER"]

ABBI JACOBSON: I really don't feel like
going in to work today.
ILANA GLAZER: TGIF at least.
ABBI JACOBSON: It's Tuesday.
ILANA GLAZER: Ah, fuck.
[BELL]
[MUSIC - PUBLIC ENEMY, "FIGHT THE POWER"]

[MUSIC PLAYING]