Hitchhiking from Tijuana to the North Pole: Thumbs Up Season 2 (Part 4/4)


Uploaded by vice on Aug 3, 2012

Transcript:

[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID CHOE: We did it.

After years and years of traveling, I finally completed
all 50 states.
Alaska, mission accomplished.
I've been to all the states.
This is the last one.
Years on the road.
It's pretty exciting to come to a new place you
haven't been to.
We had our first casualty on the road.

After more than 24 hours of riding in a plane with Andrew,
him showing off doing flight tricks and stuff, at some
point he was either rough play with the hat or while we were
ghost-riding the whip, this is what happened.
So we gotta fix that.
That's like cutting Samson's hair.
And when we stopped to refuel, we got Harry a new shirt.
Wardrobe change.
We still got the tag back here.
HARRY KIM: Oh, yeah.
That's cool.
DAVID CHOE: So let's get rid of that.
I feel good.
The air's clean.
The air's fresh.
We're in the land of the midnight sun.
And as the sun doesn't set over Alaska,
here goes day nine.

Thumb's up, America, it's the coldest it's ever been on our
entire trip.
Just a doing a little bit of graffiti like
I'm a teenager again.
And I think someone saw me, someone called the cops.
So we're trying to find a place to duck out.

Let's go.
Let's go.

DAVID CHOE: [INAUDIBLE] get this.
Um, we're just cruising Alaska.
We've never been to Alaska before.
We're just coming to town to play our music.
What are you doing?
DAVID CHOE: Can you see what you're doing
with that mask on?
You're getting your hair--
MALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE] my hair cut.
DAVID CHOE: America, we just found a guy getting his hair
cut by a robot.
It's about 3:00 in the morning right now.
Hey, how about this?
My friend plays you a song, you cut his hair.
Hey, let's go.
Let's go check out this shit.
Oh my god.
Um, wow.
What's your name?
MARK WILLIS: My name's Mark Willis.
DAVID CHOE: I've Dave.
Nice to meet you.
MARK WILLIS: Nice to meet you.
DAVID CHOE: This is my buddy, Harry.
HARRY KIM: How you doing?
MARK WILLIS: Just getting hammered tonight,
getting my hair cut.
What are you guys up to?
DAVID CHOE: Hopefully, we're about to get
Harry's hair cut too.
You guys ready to hear some music?
DAVID CHOE: Oh, shit.
Hi.
MALE SPEAKER: Hi.

DAVID CHOE: Oh.
DAVID CHOE: OK, sorry.
Is this your room?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah, you can come in.
DAVID CHOE: Can we, can we?

DAVID CHOE: This place is awesome.
You guys, you guys look like a very crazy couple.
MARK WILLIS: Well, you know.
CORNELIUS: We've been told that.
MARK WILLIS: Heard that a few times before.
DAVID CHOE: You, you guys seem very comfortable with who you
are as people.
MARK WILLIS: Oh, we are.
CORNELIUS: We like to have nude [INAUDIBLE] parties.
MARK WILLIS: We don't care.
DAVID CHOE: You don't--?
Well, listen.

You guys seem very open to a lot of--
I can't believe--
can we see what you look like under there?
CORNELIUS: I love it.
MARK WILLIS: Yeah.
Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: OK.
America, we've just unmasked Optimus Prime.
Can you cut Harry's hair, and then--
CORNELIUS: We can do that.
DAVID CHOE: OK.
Yeah, let's do that.
Um, we have a really good cocktail going on here.
We have Cornelius making a bleach cocktail here.
CORNELIUS: Oopsy doodle.
DAVID CHOE: We have Andrew here, who is the manager of
the hotel here, who was a little bit upset with us
making a lot of noise outside, but now he's definitely part
of the party.
We got our fella here, who's making his own movie now on
his cell phone.
MARK WILLIS: This is probably the--
might be the second most greatest thing I've ever done.
But I'm glad I'm a part of it, and this is awesome.
DAVID CHOE: What--?
MARK WILLIS: Let's keep going.
DAVID CHOE: You want to keep going.
CORNELIUS: 'Cause this stuff doesn't work if
you wait too long.
DAVID CHOE: OK.
CORNELIUS: It dies.
DAVID CHOE: OK.
Let's get it going.
CORNELIUS: All of it?
Or do you want--
HARRY KIM: Just give me--
MARK WILLIS: What the fuck?
That's pretty gnarly.
CORNELIUS: Who wants to hold the cup?
DAVID CHOE: All right.
So I thought we had weird shit.
We get in here, you guys have huge, black fake boobs, an
Optimus Prime mask, and just like weird shit over here.
Like--
tit sandwich.
Here's a good one.
Ye olde chastity belt.
Oh, wow.
That looks painful.
I really didn't know what we were going to do once we got
to Alaska, but I have to say, it's crazier than Reno.
It's wilder than Tijuana.
It is the wackiest place I've ever been on the planet.
Harry looks like a pig in shit, he's so happy.
Jesus.
Harry, she's fucking doing your hair, like fucking play
her a song, man.

MARK WILLIS: Now, you guys can crash here if you guys like,
but we gotta be out of here by 8:30.
DAVID CHOE: Oh, shit, you guys have two rooms?
MARK WILLIS: Yeah, we got two rooms.
We gotta be out of here by 8:30 because we have Sunday
school in the morning.
DAVID CHOE: You're going to Sunday school tomorrow?
MARK WILLIS: Yeah.
I teach Sunday school.
DAVID CHOE: You teach Sunday school
MARK WILLIS: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: Oh--
MARK WILLIS: From fourth to sixth grade.
DAVID CHOE: You think, uh, you think I could-- me and Harry
could come visit you at Sunday school if we find time?
MARK WILLIS: Have you accepted the Jesus Christ in your name.
DAVID CHOE: I have accepted Jesus Christ in my name.
MARK WILLIS: Do you love him?
DAVID CHOE: I do love Jesus, and sometimes I wonder if he
still loves me, but.
Oh my god.

What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?
Wow, you can really see your hair changing color.
It's going to be like a weird orange color.
CORNELIUS: We can also put more on--
DAVID CHOE: Oh, shit.
Your face is orange now, for some reason.
And now your hair's turning orange.

If you don't mind me saying, your wife is very attractive.
When you guys are having sex, are you wearing the mask, or
she wearing the mask?
CORNELIUS (VOICE OF OPTIMUS PRIME): I wear it.
DAVID CHOE: Don't worry about shit, man.
Life--
life's too short to worry about any bullshit, dude.
I mean, you're a young guy.
How old are you?
MARK WILLIS: I'm 30.
DAVID CHOE: See, you're a young guy.
You got the whole world open.
Like what are your hopes and dreams?
What do you want to do with your life?
MARK WILLIS: I want to climb Mt.
Everest.
That's my goal.
DAVID CHOE: You'll totally do it.
MARK WILLIS: I'm not even kidding, dude.
That's my goal.
DAVID CHOE: You totally do it, man.
MARK WILLIS: I'm not even kidding.
I want a child of our own.

Go to Costa Rica.
Run down the beach.
Roll in the sand naked and play in the ocean with you.
DAVID CHOE: Dude, you're all right, man.
I like you.
You're a cool guy.
Let's get some sleep, all right?
We've got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.
MARK WILLIS: Are we gonna, are we gonna--
DAVID CHOE: It's cool, man.
Just go to sleep.
Let's go to sleep.
MARK WILLIS: All right.
DAVID CHOE: Let's get the lights.
MARK WILLIS: All right.

DAVID CHOE: 10 fuckin' days.
Thumbs up, America.
10 days on the road.
Sorta speechless right now.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
I mean, you can't write this shit.

This guy's got a whole new look.
I mean, the nicest, strangest couple we ever met let us
crash in their extra bedroom last night.
Said he had his 7 o'clock Sunday morning school class,
but I don't know if he was full of shit.
But we woke up and they were gone.
And we have some new additions to the family.
We have the Optimus Prime head.
They forgot their black fur coat, which had an iPod
charger in the pocket.
And some black tits.
It's a brand new day in Alaska.
The sun is shining bright.
There's bears out there.
There's Eskimos.
Just when you thought the trip was getting
a little bit boring.
Come on, America.
Early bird gets the worm.
Let's get going.

What's up, America.
We're in Anchorage right now.
We're here with--
DANIEL: Daniel.
DAVID CHOE: Daniel.
Daniel is a German.
DANIEL: I'm an immigrant.
DAVID CHOE: He's a German immigrant.
And he's been here for how long?
DANIEL: Five months now.
DAVID CHOE: And the five months you've been here, what
can you tell us about living here?
What's the good stuff?
Bad stuff?
DANIEL: Don't go to Anchorage.
DAVID CHOE: Don't go to Anchorage?
DANIEL: Make it out of it.
Take your first night and get out of it, go to the
countryside.
See the beauty of the country.
[INAUDIBLE].
DAVID CHOE: Now I heard stories about--
I don't know if it's the North Pole, but I heard stories
about a North Pole.
Have you heard anything about that?
DAVID CHOE: There is North Pole.
It's the town to go, man.
Santa Claus there 365.
Little lads running around randy, it's Christmas every
single day.
It freaks your little sister out man.
Freaks it out.
DAVID CHOE: Oh my god.
All right.
We gotta find Santa Claus.
We heard he's-- we also heard that he's a vampire
that eats the elves.
DANIEL: Absolutely.
Do me one favor.
Kick him in the nuts, if you meet him, for me.
DAVID CHOE: Kick him in the nuts for you?
DANIEL: Kick him in the nuts.
DAVID CHOE: Daniel, you're a champion.
DANIEL: Pleasure meeting you.
DAVID CHOE: Nice to meet you too.

Fucking bullshit, man.
That's the difference between having a penis and a vagina.
Those girls fucking were on the street hitchhiking for
less than 30 seconds before they got picked up.
Let's get the fuck out of here, Harry.

Thumbs up, America.
We just jumped into a minivan on a cargo truck.
What a lot of people don't know is when you see those
cargo trucks that are filled with cars, trucks, BMWs,
Mercedes, the doors are always open.
So when they pull up to rest stops, it's really
easy to jump in.
Our guy's taking a mean dump, so he hasn't come out yet, so
we'll just lay low till we get going.
But these usually go pretty far.
So thumbs up, America.
What a ride.

You need to fucking get his tail.
HARRY KIM: Yeah.
We need a tail.
DAVID CHOE: We gotta fucking make it into another hat.
Come on.
Come on, Foxy.
Come on, Foxy.

[DRUMS]
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, America.
Ninja grappling hooks.

HARRY KIM: Yeah!

DAVID CHOE: Wait, how are you gonna get down?
HARRY KIM: Slide.
I don't know.
It's easier to come up, man.
DAVID CHOE: Come down.
HARRY KIM: And there's like nails all over this shit.
Dude, I'm just gonna slide, man.
DAVID CHOE: You're not gonna-- you're gonna break your--
HARRY KIM: Just catch me when I get down there.
DAVID CHOE: You're gonna break your legs, you dipshit.
Harry, grab the fucking line and grapple down, you retard.
Do you think there's a hospital anywhere near here?
Harry.
Grab the fucking rope and come down, man.
Grapple down, bitch.
HARRY KIM: I really don't want to grapple down, man.
DAVID CHOE: Get it stuck on there.
OK.

Good morning, America.
It was a miserable night in Alaska.
We found out the only real vampires out here are fucking
mosquitoes.
I took a piss last night next to Harry.
We got no less than four mosquitoes
bites each on our cocks.
Our cocks are bumpy with mosquito bites.
The good side is they're now ribbed for your pleasure.
Meaning girls.
Arrrr.
[HISS]
Fucking raining and miserable.
We slept in a fucking rusty shovel.

Fucking ride or die.
HARRY KIM: [HISS]

DAVID CHOE: Fuck, man.
Nature's so beautiful.
There's only one way to catch a fish.
That's with a fucking ninja star.
Welcome, America, to Dave Choe's Death
Star Training Camp.

HARRY KIM: Got it!
I got one!
I got one!
DAVID CHOE: Unnh!
HARRY KIM: Yeah!
Yeahhhhhhhhhggh!

Arrrrrghghhhh.
DAVID CHOE: This is how we catch food out here.
Fucking wilderness.

Look at this motherfucker.
We're in the middle of nowhere.
I went fucking so far to get this fucking ap-- hey, I was
going to give this to you.
Anyways, I went so far to get this fucking apple and I'm
starting to eat the apple, and then this fucker shows up and
he's all looking for food, so I'm gonna give it to him.
Hey, I'm going to give you an apple.
You don't want the apple?
Moose!
This'll be a delicious treat for him when he gets it.
I'm gonna try to throw it next to him.
Bullwinkle!
Eat the apple.
Eat the apple.
It's good.
Eat the apple.
It's delicious.
Eat the apple.
I fucking gave you my apple.

Fuck the moose.
We're relatively close to a city called Fairbanks.
It's in Alaska.
And I guess we just found home for tonight.
Hopefully there's nothing crazy going on in here.
Hello?
There's a garage.
Hello?
HARRY KIM: Hello?
DAVID CHOE: Anyone home?
[KNOCK]
DAVID CHOE: Hello?
Anyone home?
Anyone home?
[KNOCK]

DAVID CHOE: Hello?

This shit's fucking freaky, man.
HARRY KIM: What is this?
This is nuts.
[KNOCK]
HARRY KIM: Yeah.
Good as any.
DAVID CHOE: All right.
This is home for tonight.

Um, the whole "Thumbs Up" crew has not been really taking
care of themselves, health and food-wise.
And so although it's not on film, every member of "Thumbs
Up," including me, Harry, the cameraman and the crew, have
all shit in their pants at least once on this trip.
At least once.
We've been mostly staying in construction sites and
abandoned warehouses.
We stayed in a fucking crazy rundown house that had a bunch
of shit, like sleeping bags and stuff.
And it smelt like fungus.
And I was worried about Harry's lungs, so.
[BREAKING GLASS]

DAVID CHOE: We have one more day of this amazing adventure
to hunt down Santa Claus in the North Pole.
We will find this motherfucker.
But who knows what the day holds for us?
We have no idea what will happen.
Everyone out here looks like a scary Russian vampire.
So we don't know what's going to happen.
Stay tuned, America.
Thumbs up.

Here we are, trying to get a ride to the North Pole.
I'm out of fucking paint, dude.
North Pole?

We've been out here for a little bit and not having much
luck, so we picked up this gigantic Spider-Man hand,
which we're filling up.
All right, look.
Check it out, America.
This is what's going on.
See this kid?
That's me and Harry on this trip, just full of life, full
of excitement.
What's going on right now is we got the classic Spider-Man
pose, shooting the web.
And you fold the pinkie back and the pointer finger back,
and what do you got?
You got thumbs up, America.
So that's what we're going for right now.
A giant hitchhiking fist.

[SIREN]
HARRY KIM: Oh, we got--oh, shit We got a ride.

DAVID CHOE: All right.
Get in, get in.

Thumbs up, America!
HARRY KIM: Thumbs up!
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, bitches!
HARRY KIM: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
DAVID CHOE: We love you!

Almost there.
Thanks for the lift, Ralph.
HARRY KIM: This is it.
DAVID CHOE (SHOUTING): North Poooooooole!

All right, thanks, Ralph.
Have a good time.

Here we are.
HARRY KIM: Yeah.
DAVID CHOE: North Pole, bitch.
Our cameraman doesn't give a fuck because he's Jewish and
grew up worshipping Hanukkah Harry, but we're in Santa
Claus's house right now.
Ralph, who refused to be on camera, definite convict,
definite, definite felon.
Nice guy anyways.
HARRY KIM: Little shady.
DAVID CHOE: Wanted to give us a ride but didn't
want to be on camera.
It's all right.
Anyways, elves, Santa, reindeer steaks, all that
goodness awaits us ahead.
Let's go.

North Pole, bitch!
Yeah!
HARRY KIM: North Pole.
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, America.
North Pole!

He's making a list.
He's checking it twice.
He's gonna find out who's been naughty or nice.
Santa Claus, we're coming to your town.

What the fuck?
Fuck!
There's no David.
There's no Harry.
I don't even know if I want to see this fucking guy anymore.
A lifetime of disappointment.
Go see his ass?
HARRY KIM: No.
DAVID CHOE: Let's go see him.
HARRY KIM: That could be his naughty list.

DAVID CHOE: All right, let's go.

He's a technically a reindeer, but check out his gigantic
moose knuckle.

Let's go see Santa.

FEMALE SPEAKER: He's OK.
MALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE] smile, bud.
FEMALE SPEAKER: He's OK.

SANTA CLAUS: [INAUDIBLE]
where y'all from?

SANTA CLAUS: Sure.
Where did you come from.
DAVID CHOE: We hitchhiked all the way from
Mexico to come see you.
SANTA CLAUS: Hitchhiked?
DAVID CHOE: Yeah.
HARRY KIM: Yes.
DAVID CHOE: And we're very hap-- can
we give you a present?
HARRY KIM: Yeah, we wanted to bring you--
DAVID CHOE: It's nice and cold.
HARRY KIM: A little special something to
warm up your holidays.
SANTA CLAUS: Oh.
We'll put it right over here right now, OK?
DAVID CHOE: OK.
Thanks, Santa.
SANTA CLAUS: Thank you.
DAVID CHOE: I was a little disappointed 'cause in 1984, I
didn't get the present that I wanted.
MRS. CLAUS: Oh, dear.
DAVID CHOE: And I feel like that was probably the best
I've ever been my whole life.
SANTA CLAUS: Well, I'm sorry.
Maybe something happened during the transit.
Maybe I left it at the next door neighbor's.
MRS. CLAUS: Could be.
DAVID CHOE: All right, that's--
OK.
But I'm not for holding a grudge, so.
SANTA CLAUS: [LAUGHS]
So what part of Mexico you from?
DAVID CHOE: We came from Tijuana.
SANTA CLAUS: Tijuana, Tijuana.
MRS. CLAUS: Welcome.
HARRY KIM: We came right across the border.
SANTA CLAUS: That's right.
That's good.
DAVID CHOE: We got stopped in Canada, and then we got to
ride on a flying sleigh.
SANTA CLAUS: Well, that's good.
Who's this gentleman
DAVID CHOE: Oh, he's our buddy.
He's coming along with us.
You're sort of the wizard at the end of the road.
SANTA CLAUS: [LAUGHS]
DAVID CHOE: It's been a long journey.
Time to go home now.
SANTA CLAUS: Merry Christmas.
HARRY KIM: Merry Christmas to you.
MRS. CLAUS: Thank you.
DAVID CHOE: Nice to meet you.
MRS. CLAUS: Thank you for coming.
SANTA CLAUS: Nice to meet you.
[INAUDIBLE]
Nice to meet you, sir.
Nice to meet you.
DAVID CHOE: Nice to meet you.
MRS. CLAUS: Nice to meet you too.
SANTA CLAUS: Thank you.
DAVID CHOE: Are there elves around?
SANTA CLAUS: Not today.
DAVID CHOE: Oh, OK.
Love the belt buckle.
Hey Santa, next time you're on your sleigh and you see us
guys on the side of the road hitchhiking,
can you pick us up?
SANTA CLAUS: I'll do that, I'll do that.
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, thumbs up, Santa.
SANTA CLAUS: OK.
Have a good one.
DAVID CHOE: Thanks, Santa.
Thanks for [INAUDIBLE].
HARRY KIM: Thank you.
SANTA CLAUS: You're welcome.
DAVID CHOE: I'm like a little bit, like starstruck.
I feel like I just met Jesus Christ or something.
HARRY KIM: No, he's a great guy.
DAVID CHOE: That was the real deal, man.
I feel like such a jerk for like, yelling at you, yelling
at the Canadians, yelling at anybody.
I just want to be a better person from now on.

Let's see how long it lasts.
My feet are tired.
HARRY KIM: Let's party with Santa tonight, though.
DAVID CHOE: My thumbs are tired.
It's time to go home.
Let's head back home.
HARRY KIM: I think we should kick it for a little
bit and then go.
DAVID CHOE: Harry, I'm trying to fucking do the ending
monologue right now.
Will you quit fucking it up, dude?
HARRY KIM: I think we should do the fireworks here.
DAVID CHOE: That--
Jesus Christ, dude.
We could just do all that shit and edit it in later.
Why do you keep interrupting me, man?
HARRY KIM: In front of Santa Claus.
DAVID CHOE: Fuck, man.
Fuck you.
Jesus.

Thumbs up, America.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I'm sorry I screamed at you.
Thank you, Mexicans, for showing us your dick.
Mexicans, thanks for the corn.
Thank you, America, for leaving us alone in the
backseat with your babies.
Thank you for giving us rides.
Thank you for giving us plane rides.
America, thanks for letting us crash in your backyards.
Thanks for making out with Harry in every city.

Canadians, thanks for nothing.
Thank you, America, for letting us use your entire
nation as a backdrop for the most bitching music video, for
me and Harry rockin' the nation.
America, we're tired.
Thanks for riding along with us.
It's time to go home.

America, don't fuck with Santa.
He's got a huge fuckin' dong.
I seen it.
I seen it.
Santa's got a huge moose knucle.
[MUSIC - FUCKED UP, "DAVID COMES TO LIFE"]

DAVID CHOE (SHOUTING): Thumbs up, America!
HARRY KIM: Yeahhh!
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs!
Up!
Bitch!
HARRY KIM: Thumbs way the fuck up!
DAVID CHOE: Thumbs up, motherfucker!