Facebook Etiquette

Oh hi, and welcome back So I really don't intend for my videos to
become a series of incoherent rants Too late, Andy!
You know the ones where some random person who by day is a butcher, by night
feels the need to preach to us about things that annoy them.
I'm sure my version of that would be pretty lame.
Things that get my goat. Goats.
Boats.
Words with more than two 'L's in them.
Lolly.
Parallel
Liquids in general.
This guy.
Sliding doors.
Sliding Doors.
That sort of thing can get boring really quickly.
But having discussed with friends and family
our mutual frustration in regards to peoples
facebook activity, I've decided to piece together
a short video on facebook etiquette in an attempt
to make everyones facebook experience more enjoyable.
So-ah, let's do this-ahhh.
I'm trying to keep this video as light as
possible. So when it gets a bit serious, I'm going
to cut to this. Soooo much to get through so lets begin.
This is a message to all users of facebook.
Please view this entire message and consider
its relevance to you. Follow the advice provided here may decrease your chances of being
blocked, deleted, or hidden.
And believe me, if you are doing these things frequently, you're already blocked or hidden.
You just don't know it.
Are you one of those people who update their
status five times a day? If so we were wondering if you could get a twitter account.
You are clearly mistaking us for a bunch of
people who give a damn about the pointless
things you get up to every single minute, of
every single day. Maybe rather than post this many irrelevant status updates you could
just say them out loud to yourself. "I am eating an apple"
Attention Seeking Comment Syndrome or ASCS.
Are you the sad ass continually posting attention seeking status updates?
"Today is so crap"
"It's not fair"
"Why me?"
A sure fire way to get your friend list down to zero is to continue posting these comments.
We're all aware you "poor me", "fuck my life"
attitude is designed to get us all feeling sorry
for you, and to sap us all of energy. DRAINER!
If you think the world is against you, it probably is.
No ego boosting reassuring comment from us is going to help you with all of that emotional
baggage. (cries)
We believe focusing on negative things in life
will only bring more negative things into our
life. So, to avoid that, we've blocked you.
Cuddles
Kiss hug kiss.
Thinking of you.
Be strong.
You can make it through this.
Call me.
If you're having a fight with your partner, we'd
appreciate it if you did that in the privacy of
your own life. We're too busy muddling through our own existence to care whether
or not someone isn't being nice to you.
"I'm mad at someone" Urgghhh!
Chances are you're not hiding the identity of
this person from them and as this isn't year seven anymore, either name them or don't.
Preferably the latter.
Facebook is no place to air your personal
laundry. This is my underwear. So how about, you don't.
We're sorry but you do not have 1000 or even 500 genuine friends.
You are simply not that popular.
If you were to die tomorrow most of your so called "friends" wouldn't come to your
funeral. They may however write an attention seeking comment about you to
attract more attention to them. "Somebody I once met has died".
So please take a moment to understand the difference between friend and
acquaintance.
If we met once, a long time ago, at a party, but have never actually had a conversation
at all, this doesn't make us friends. Friends are people you spend time with,
or (at the very least) stop and talk to on the street.
Please understand that if your friend request was rejected on your first request, chances
are we're not going to accept it on your
second, third, or even fourth attempt. This is a clear indication that we either
have no idea who the hell you are.
Or simply, don't like you. This isn't working, is it?
It only gets worse.
We would all appreciate it if your profile
picture was of you rather than a car,
an animal, or a cartoon. The fact of the matter is we only added you to see how
old, fat or uglier you'd become since we both left high school.
Oh, come on. It's the truth.
No we all know one of these people and it might hurt, but it needs to be said:
YOU ARE NOT A MODEL!
So please, stop posing, stop pouting. You don't look like that in real life.
We know this because we have to look at you. All those photos that you're
untagging... they're what you look like. Shhhh.....it's okay.
Kids are great. Here's one here! If you have children, good on you.
But nobody cares as much as you do. Please do us all a favor and stop posting
about your child's bowel movements "It's a solid poo!"
Their level of cheekiness, or suspected genius, or how they kept you up screaming
all night. You made the decision, now live with it.
Don't get us wrong, we understand having kids consumes you life, but it doesn't mean
having kids has to consume our life too. It's said with love.
Still not offended? Let's continue on then.
Checking in. If I were to call you five times a day and
ask you what you were doing...
Hey, what's doing?
Where are ya?
What's happening?
Where are you now?
What are you wearing?
It'd probably get pretty annoying. Nobody needs to know where you are
all the time. So unless you're checking in to
Hospital
Rehab
or Jail
Don't feel like you need to let us know.
When we want to know, we'll call We won't be calling.
If you don't like, comment, repost or subscribe
to this video seven children like this one will die. I have no evidence to support this
statement.
We all know that stuff is crap so stop it.
Solving the worlds problems is never going to happen by clicking "like" on a page or
"donating" your status. Just cured cancer!
Saving all the whales.
There goes AIDS!
Just housed the homeless.
Look I can't talk I'm saving abused children.

Saving the forests.
And that one was world peace.
Phew! Unfortunately solving these problems is going
to require a little more than pressing a few
buttons on a computer. If you really do want to support a cause,
great! Try donating some food, clothing, time,
money, goods, services, or anything tangible.
Silly Willy Weasels! Anything! Rather than this. (clicks button on mouse)
I still have a big list of things that people
said frustrated them. But there's simply not enough time to go
through them all. If you are still watching, I hope this video
has made you sit back and think about how you
might annoy the living shit out of people on facebook. Maybe you're like me and
you harass everyone to share your videos.
Share this video with friends and family by posting the URL found in the web browser.

So from all of your online friends, thanks for
taking the time to watch this, and we'll chat to you soon on facebook. That is if we
haven't blocked you already.