Ep 4 - Chicken & Biscuits - 12-Steps To Recovery

Uploaded by 12stepswebseries on 22.08.2010

PARRISH Dani, I didn’t need you to escort
me down here. I said I was coming.
DANI Parrish You have to believe me.
I didn’t know Chantal was a man. I thought she was just another
beautiful, sweet Latina. I was too distracted by her big boobs
to notice her feet or Adam’s Apple.
PARRISH Do you understand how awkward of a
situation that was? I kissed a man.
DANI Well you’re an actor. They do it in
Hollywood all the time.
PARRISH Sorry, but I’m not interested in
auditioning for the Crying Game 2. That’s not how I expected my first
date to turnout.
DANI I know, I know.
PARRISH Where you finding these people anyway?
Outside The Maury Show? Who’s next? Some toothless hillbilly
or some pregnant chic?
DANI Look Parrish, I am sorry. Believe me,
the dates will only get better.
PARRISH They better. Cause Blue isn’t
winning any prizes either. He set me up with a call girl.
DANI What? A prostitute?
PARRISH No, a call girl, but that’s besides
the point. This was you and Blue’s idea.
At least get some quality women. I’m only reminded of what I
had with Sheryl.
DANI Sheryl did not deserve you.
Stop beating up yourself.
PARRISH I am sweating freaking bullets here.
I do not know who Blue got for this date, but she sounded country as
hell on the phone. That is all I need for some Paula Dean look-alike
showing up with a basket of biscuits.
DANI You need to be positive or you’re
gonna ruin this date.
Oh, I think this is her. Wow, she’s cute and pretty normal looking.
Where the heck did Blue meet her?
PARRISH Looks pretty energetic to me. Why
is she waving like the Carnival Cruise liner is pulling out? I
Do not know this...
DANI Be nice Parrish.
Maybe she is just bubbly.
Not all of us women are carrying baggage. Now go to your date and have fun.
PARRISH Yes mother dear.
[Sad-like music plays]
PARRISH Bernadette?
BERNADETTE That’s me. I knew it was you as
soon as I saw you. You look just like you described on the phone.
You can never be so sure with blind dates. Well don’t just stand there.
Let’s make the Ferry. I got a nice surprise set up for you.
PARRISH Great. More surprises.
[whimsical music plays]
BERNADETTE So do you like kids? I always
wanted 6 kids. 3 boys and 3 girls. Did you have a good childhood?
I find some city folks to have rough childhoods in the concrete
jungle. Playing on basketball on broken hoops. We did not have anything
like that where I am from. We were able to go outside where it was
spacious. We had a little farm in the back. My granddaddy ran the farm
then my daddy took over for him.
BERNADETTE I just love this country so much.
It is so beautiful and has so much potential. It just makes me want
to sing. Oh beautiful for spacious skies For amber waves of grain.
For purple mountain majesties Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
Okay, you do not want to sing? Do not tell me you are not patriotic?
BERNADETTE Once I earned my bachelors from
Hampton, I knew I wanted a big city experience, especially since nobody
put a ring on it. The brothas down south are taking advantage of the
ratio. And women are fiercely running around like it’s half off
at Target. It’s cutthroat. So I said to myself, Bernie, open
your dating pool and go where the men are. I applied to grad school
here and the rest is history. And what better place to teach children
than in the Big Apple?
BERNADETTE Then while at the gym, I bumped
into your friend Blue and he saw how much of a lady I was. He told
me all about you and I said to myself, Bernadette, you gotta meet
this man Parrish. Now don’t get it twisted. I’m respectable, but not
some uptight southern belle. I’m a lady in the streets and freak in
the sheets. But it will take time for the right
man to see that.
PARRISH I’m sure it will.
BERNADETTE You look a little on the slim side.
I hope you like to eat, cause I’m a great cook. Learned from my momma
and Nanna. I don’t want to toot my own horn...TOOT TOOT, but I throw
down in the kitchen.
PARRISH I bet you do.
BERNADETTE I got us some friend chicken, cream
corn, sweet potato pie and collard greens with smoke turkey, cause its
time for Black folks to get off that nasty hog. Plus Michele Obama
doesn’t eat pork and look at her.
BERNADETTE So Parrish, what are you looking for
in a wife, I mean girlfriend? Excuse my Freudian slip.
Hmmm mmmm Eat up baby. I told you.
PARRISH Hmmm, this is some tasty chicken.
Well Bernadette, you sound too good to be true.—You’re educated,
ambitious, got the smile of a beauty queen, face of an angel and
from what I can tell, your body is bangin’. But quite honestly,
I have two simple questions for you.
BERNADETTE Ooh, goodie. I love a man with
questions. Okay cowboy, shoot.
PARRISH Have you ever worked as a call girl
and do you or did you ever have a penis?
BERNADETTE How dare you say that to me?
PARRISH Is that one No or two?
PARRISH Okay. I guess that’s two no’s and
a sign that this date is over.
Can I have my chicken back?