Civil Protection - Christmas Community Outreach (скрытые субтитры)

[Subtitles by danielsangeo]
DAVE: But the camera...
MAN: Don't worry about it; just go ahead and start.
DAVE: But, it'll freeze. You have to keep it warm.
MAN: No, I told you already: It's not alive.
Don't worry about it; just start when you're ready.
DAVE: Okay....
Ho ho ho, everybody! I'm Dave, this is Mike. We're Civil Protection.
We received a lot of letters from last time,
so Command says we should keep making these videos.
I don't think they want us doing it live anymore, so, this might get edited.
Anyway, want to start us off with some questions, Mike?
MIKE: Okay.
"Dear Civil Protection,
"Your officers made an impromptu visit to my home
"and confiscated my Christmas Tree claiming it was a fire hazard.
"What's wrong with you people?" Yadda-yadda-okay.
Ah, this is off to a great start.
Alright, you need to contact the Complaints Department or else Evidence.
We don't know anything about your particular case.
DAVE: What's the date on that?
MIKE: Uh, the 9th.
DAVE: Dude, I think that's his tree sitting the station lobby.
That's about when it was added.
MIKE: Are you serious?
DAVE: Yeah, I think we just took his tree and put it in the lobby.
MIKE: Hah. Well, this is awkward.
Uh, yeah, contact Complaints.
I don't want a part of this.
Next question.
"Dear Ci--"
I-I-I can't read this.
Why don't you take a question, Dave?
DAVE: Sure!
"Dear Civil Protection,
"If I lick the end of a candy cane so it comes to a point and stab someone with it,
"is it still considered a crime?"
Uh, yes. You'll go to prison for that.
MIKE: It sounds to me like you're looking for some sort of loophole here. Don't.
You're not going to find it.
Listen, you don't have to celebrate Christmas,
but you can get into the spirit of things by not stabbing people, alright?
Gosh, who wrote this? What's the signature?
DAVE: It's another "anonymous".
MIKE: Figures.
We'll check it for prints later.
Okay, this next one is from Georgia.
"Dear Civil Protection,
Is there a Santa Claus?"
How... how am I supposed to answer that?
DAVE: Yes, Georgia. There is a Santa Claus. You're looking at him.
MIKE: Works for me.
Say "hello" to Santa everybody.
Okay, next question.
DAVE: What?
MIKE: "Dear Civil Protection,
"People celebrate Christmas because it's the birthday of Jesus of Nazareth.
"How can I make sure people celebrate MY birthday in 2,000 years? Or even 1,000?
"Signed, Bob of City 17"
Ugh, jeez, these are hard.
DAVE: Hey, check this out!
[gunshot]
DAVE: Whoa!
MAN: (muffled) Hey, what are you doing? Are you nuts?
You have to warn me about that!
You just ruined the volume levels!
MIKE: (muffled) I didn't know he was going to do that!
DAVE: (muffled) Pretty cool, huh?
MIKE: No, it's NOT cool, Dave! Don't shoot things on camera!
MAN: Are you TRYING to make me deaf?
DAVE: His head EXPLODED!
MAN: You just ruined the damned volume levels. MIKE: You're not supposed to be doing that.
MAN: I thought this was a question-and-answer video, MIKE: I don't understand what's wrong you.
MAN: not a weapons--
DAVE: "Dear Civil Protection,
"What is snow?"
It's white.
Next question.
"Dear Civil Protection,
"What can I do for Christmas presents if I don't have any money?
"Signed, Chucky."
Hmm.
MIKE: I've got this one. Okay, Chuck, here's what you do:
This works better if you have a Dremel tool,
but really an ice pick or a piece of metal is all you need.
What you want to do is make a Christmas Brick.
First: You need a brick.
Shouldn't be hard to come by.
There's all sorts of ruined buildings since the invasion.
Just take your pick.
DAVE: Hey, that rhymes.
MIKE: Uh, yeah.
Okay, and then all you have to do is chisel in the name of the person you're giving it to.
Then, clean any dirt off it and you're good to go.
You can use old newspaper as wrapping paper and, if you want to get fancy,
you can use string or a shoelace as a ribbon.
And you can do this for as many people as you need presents for.
This works best if you can really sell them on the idea of it.
Like, if you're artsy or just good at making stuff up.
Say it's a tradition in your family, or it's symbolic. Some crap like that.
People will see you took the time into carving their names
so they can't get TOO upset.
And I guarantee you, just one season of this
and they won't be handing you unrealistic Christmas lists the next year.
DAVE: Sounds like you have some experience with this.
MIKE: Oh, yeah.
"Dear Civil Protection,
"I am writing this to you from prison." 'kay...
"I threw a snowball at an officer's face.
"It was pretty funny, but I got arrested,
"and now I'm serving an indeterminate sentence at a labor camp
"and I can't get any information about my case.
"What can I do to get out of here?
"Sincerely, Inmate #4517683"
Uh, build yourself a time machine to go back and stop yourself from throwing that snowball.
You have anything to add, Dave?
DAVE: Nah, you're screwed, man.
MIKE: Okay, next question.
"Dear Mike and Dave," Uh-oh.
"What is your favorite thing about Christmas?"
DAVE: Well, being Santa, of course.
What about you, Mike?
MIKE: Hm.
Eggnog.
DAVE: Oh, man. I love eggnog.
MIKE: I don't understand why they don't just serve it year-round.
It's not like the ingredients are seasonal.
DAVE: I like to drink eggnog until my head hurts.
Then I drink some more. Then I stop.
MIKE: It's good!
DAVE: Let's go get some eggnog. I don't want to answer more of these.
MIKE: Great, let's go.
MAN: So, you're just quitting?
MIKE: Yeah, we're quitting. We're going to get some eggnog.
MAN: But, what about the rest of the questions?
DAVE: Just throw them into the fire. We're done.
MAN: I don't want to get fired over this.
MIKE: Come on! Eggnog!
DAVE: Are you trying to be funny?
MAN: No, just.... whatever.
DAVE: You'd better watch out.
Because Santa Claus is coming.
FOR YOU!