The Baristas: Episode Eleven - The Wake

Uploaded by TheBaristasTV on 18.04.2011

[RICH:] Nice cast. I know what you're going through.
I got a hangnail. It's really been just irritating me. All day.
Chinese massage? I've got a coupon.
Free table shampoo.
I don't know what that is.
You lie on a table...
and they shampoo you.

{{theme song fades in}}
[LYRICS:] Follow me down, follow me down...
[LYRICS:] I'll give you all that I have, I'll tell you everything.
[LYRICS:] Love me all of my life, never listen to me.

{{doorbell dings}}

[SAM:] You shall not pass!!!
What the hell are you doing here?
Gardening. What the hell are you doing here, having a slumber party?
Yeah, a slumber party for one. Astrid kicked me out of the house,
so I figured I'd squat here for a couple nights and sort my life out.
That, and these week-old bagels aren't gonna eat themselves.
You want in on this?
Did you take Astrid's puppets hostage?
These are not puppets. These are puppet pieces.
This was Astrid's weekend to get her plushies together for Handmade Arcade,
but between Pop-Pop dying and our relationship turning into a deep, deep crater,
yeah, she's not really in the life-giving mood.
And you are?
No, I'm not in the life-giving mood, I'm in the life-SAVING mood.
This is like muppet M*A*S*H. It's puppet triage, okay?
But I can't find any of her blueprints or any of her wool or any of that kind of crap,
so when I was down in the basement unit storage, just kind of dredging my life out of it,
I came across all this, so...
I figured I'd throw something together for her for Handmade Arcade.
You want a porcupine with a ferret parasite on it?
{{SAM makes ferret noises}}
{{knocking on the back door}}

[REGGIE:] A year ago today...
I was actually helping a client clear out her eight-figure retirement portfolio.
Today, I'm trespassing, breaking and entering, and I just got a ticket for parking in a fire lane.
And it's not even Monday.
Is he even in?
[SAM:] Yes, I'm in! I got plenty of free time, I can do -- what am I in?
Sane. You're insane, Sam.
Sam, did you make this?
No, Darwin did.
So, I've been thinking.
So have I.
Yeah, I... I can't do it.
That eight thousand dollars that I could have in my hand right now,
that we could use to buy this place at auction?
It's not really mine.
That belongs to my kids.
Because that's all we have left from my wife's life insurance policy.
It's been a really bad year.
And I can't take what she left for them and invest it on what, quite frankly,
if I were my own financial advisor,
I would advise against.
I'm sorry.
But, if it makes you feel any better, you were right about one thing.
I really think you could do a hell of a job running a place like this,
if somebody would just let you.
But it can't be me.

What the hell???

Get in here, you f*ckin' creeper! How long you been out there?
About ten minutes.
[SAM:] Geez. What the hell are you doing here?
Aubrey and I were driving home from the wake and I saw the lights on, so I thought I'd stop in,
make sure everything was all right.
Now I'm too afraid to go back to the car.
Aubrey is a little bit crazy right now.
Ever since Pop-Pop died, and...
with you and Astrid going Fukushima on everybody, it's been tough on her.
Now she wants to get married yesterday.
I can't, I don't have the money to do it.
Ben, look, Aubrey and I have never really seen eye-to-eye,
mostly 'cause she's built like an Ewok, but–ł
If she hates you for something like this,
then she's crazier than I have ever given her credit for,
which is shocking, considering I've been through her MP3 player.
She does like Rebecca Black lately.
[SAM: What's up with that?]
{{Ben's phone buzzes}}
Oh my God...
Ben, please tell me you left the heat on out there for her,
'cause she will leave you for something that. (She's small.)
No, it's Madison.
She's outside. She wants to know why we're ignoring her.

{{doorbell dings}}
[MADISON:] This week sucks!!!
[BEN:] Turn the lights off. People are gonna know we're here.
[MADISON:] Ten days ago I didn't even know there was a regional baristas competition
and then I win the freaking thing, and now I don't even have a job???
That was the Golden Bean!!!
It's not real gold, Sam.
It's the thought that counts!
Oh really? And how long have you known I wouldn't have a job when I came back?
Was it AFTER you stranded me in New York with seven dollars and a MegaBus ticket?
'Cause that's really sexy!
[DIERDRE:] He didn't know.
Nobody knew. I didn't want to interrupt your Jedi training!
Oh, thank you! Now I'm the world's greatest unemployed barista!
Fabulous! I'll put it on my resume.
Which I suppose I should be emailing out to everyone in the known universe tomorrow.
Well, you know what? It's after midnight so it's already tomorrow. Enjoy.
You never even say I'm sorry.
For what? Making you better at your job?
You know what? Here, have a puppet.
What job???
{{doorbell dings}}
[AUBREY:] Fight fight fight fight FIGHT I can hear you people from the car!!!
Sam, you have already inducted yourself into the Too Little, Too Late Hall of Fame,
but trying to win Astrid back by Frankensteining together her own past,
is truly an MVP moment.
Does Astrid even know you raided her puppet stash
on your way out the door to Never Never Land?
No, like me, these are discarded mistakes from Astrid's past.
This is mine now, this is my trash heap, GET OUT!
{{doorbell dings}}
Actually, it's my trash heap now.
And who are you?
We're the baristas.
Ohhh, right!
The people who've been working at this business while it's been racking up forty thousand dollars a year in unpaid debt.
New to-do item: security system.
So: Lorraine Shields, new owner. Lucky me.
So which one of you is the person responsible for my being here?
Who has managed this place into the ground over the past few years?
I did.
Sam Crockett?
Beautiful. You're fired.

Great. Let me just go in the back and gather my everything.
Wait. How are you the new owner when the auction's not 'til noon?
He said you would say that. He is so good.
That's why I have it now.
My financial advisor.
{{doorbell dings}}
Well you guys are all in the wrong place. The wake is at Aubrey's.
Nana's looking good.

No, no, no, Dierdre? Wrong time...
Give me one second, I'll be right back, okay?

Your name?

[CHASE:] Would you just listen to me for a second?
Look, Legs:
I sold this place out for ten thousand dollars to the perfect person.
I mean, have you seen Lorraine?
She's my two favorite kinds of client: she's rich, and she's clueless.
The only reason why she bought this place was because I convinced her that it was a cheap buy
with smart people in a bad situation that she could fix.
Now don't prove me wrong.
We're all good here!
[BEN:] No it's not...

Aubrey, I love you. But I don't think we can get married right now.
Ben, why?
I have no money.
I have no job. This...
This was my job.
Ben, I know.
You think that I haven't noticed that we're not eating out at P. F. Chang's every night?
I can tell when you're stressed, and you've been stressed for months now.
At which time you've also been stockpiling Ramen.
But why didn't you say anything?
Because I knew you'd tell me when you were ready.
Not like I haven't given you a bunch of chances.
Ben, I don't need the wedding that you think I deserve.
All I need is you beside me at that altar,
and the rest is incidental.
{{door opens}}
[GARY:] Are we having a party?
Gary. My plus-one can't come.
[SAM:] It's not a party. It's a big wave goodbye.
Oh, well, here, take these then.
[AUBREY:] Wait a minute...
Those ARE Astrid's puppets.
I know, aren't they adorable?
Scott and I made a hundred of 'em.
You did???
Well, kids in China did.
You see, Scott had this idea,
because Astrid left her designs here whenever her grandpa died,
so we took them and we thought, "Oh, these are really good,
and we could have them made in time for Handmade Arcade,"
and Scott knows a guy who knows a guy who has a brother who dated a guy who lives in Guangdong.
He owns a sweat shop. It's very nice though, they have windows, I've seen the pictures.
Do they need a gym teacher?
[GARY:] I don't think so...
[LORRAINE:] Well, as touching as this probably is,
I'd really rather not call the cops on my first day of work,
because I don't want any of you to get arrested.
I really need you to work next week, so this is what we're gonna do.
We're gonna go home, take a week off, with pay,
and relax.
Hug something.
(Not you.)
And show up on Monday, and do it all again!
Unless of course you're a big fan of bullshit, which
I am not. Confidentially, this place REEKS
of bullshit.
Actually, that's me. Do you have a washer and dryer I can borrow?
You know, I didn't take on this place for bullshit.
I took it on to win.
Because winning makes me feel good.
Winning makes me feel great!
So let's all just come back on Monday and do it all over again!
[LORRAINE:] Okay, winners?
Don't kill her.
Don't worry. I'd kill you first.
[GARY:] Let's go get drunk.
[SAM:] You're buyin'.
[CHASE:] I'll call you.

Who are you?
I'm just a customer.
I come here a lot.

I like the people.