Episode 2: A Deal With Santa


Uploaded by AlexisNiki2010 on 01.11.2010

Transcript:
(Diane) Here we are girls. Paris!
Dad’s not moving back until you two can get along. Remember?
(Miranda) Bet they have protection that won’t let 'em down.
You see tampon commercials everywhere you look.
-A tampon purse? You’re not even menstruating. -Yet.
-Miranda, this isn’t healthy. -Thanks for the news flash. I hadn’t noticed.
Breathe, Mom. Mom? Breathe...hoo, hoo, hoo.
It’s a hot flash, Ashley. Not a baby.
(Diane) Freezer! Freezer!
Is this thing even on? Is it even on?
(Miranda) This is it?
Where are the beds?
That sofa pulls out for two.
And Clementine left that foam mattress for us.
(Miranda and Ashley) I call the foam mattress!
It's my birthday tomorrow.
I'm pregnant.
(Buzzing from Diane's hand-held fan)
God, Ash.
He’s not even born yet and you’re already using him.
(Ashley mocks Miranda)
(Diane) How'd you guys sleep last night?
(Miranda) Thanks to you, I didn't sleep at all.
(Diane) How did you sleep?
I don't remember I slept so well.
(Diane) You know what, eat over the table.
(Awed whispers)
Miranda, look.
Candles!
-Let's make a wish for your birthday. -In church it's called a prayer.
Only if you're religious. We're not religious.
-Maybe I wish we were. -Don't be ridiculous.
I'm being ridiculous?
Lower your voice. There's people here all around praying.
So it's OK if they pray, just not if I do?
-I don't believe we're having this conversation. -Me neither.
How about we put forth positive energy into the universe...
And open ourselves up for a miracle.
Like, oh, I don't know...you two shutting up?
-Call it whatever you like. -Fine.
Whatever.
(Miranda V.O.) Dear Virgin Mary.
(Miranda V.O.) What am I doing? A virgin can't understand what I'm going through.
Mom, who's the patron saint of prostitutes?
-Why on earth do you want to know that? -I just do.
But why?
-It's none of your business. -(Diane groans)
(Ashley) St. Nicholas.
St. Nick?
He saved three girls from prostitution.
-As in Santa Claus St. Nick? -Yes! Now will you hush, I'm trying to concentrate.
(Miranda V.O. begins) Dear Santa.
Maybe I should be talking to Mrs. Claus...
But you've always come through for me with the gifts and all...
And well, I'm desperate. I hope this doesn't freak you out.
I know there's more to life than having my period.
But I'm fifteen today.
I'm the only girl in the entire tenth grade without it.
And the ninth grade. I've tried everything
I do yoga. I eat tofu.
I hang out with menstruating women.
Present company excluded.
Please, I am begging you.
Make my period come. (End V.O.)
(Ashley O.S.) Miranda!
-If I get my period on this trip I'm gonna sing a Christmas carol. -Why?
I cut a deal with Santa.
(French accent) Carefully, carefully
Oh! You say your grandmother used to do this?
(French accent) Yes. It's perfect on the ironing board.
-(French accent) Now you give me your foot... -Oh, gosh!
-(French accent) And a little massage... -Ok. All right.
You guys walk so much in France.
(French accent) You did not take the taxi cab?
(French accent) That's what they are there for.
No. Mother wanted an authentic Parisian experience.
(French accent) Oh, la la!