Ep 15 - The Cougar - 12-Steps to Recovery

MORGANA Hello Parrish, this is Morgana. I
got your number from Dani. I guess we need to set up our blind date.
PARRISH Oh, right. Look Morgana, I’m having
a crappy day and I just don’t think I’d be good company.
MORGANA Hmm, you sure? I cleared my schedule
today. Maybe I can make it all better for you? I’m a great cook and I’m all
alone in this place. Keep me company?
PARRISH Okay.
MORGANA Great. I’ll text you my address. Ok.
Bye.
PIERCING & SINISTER NOISE AS NEEDLE GOES THROUGH CONDOM.
MORGANA Just in case you’re a strap it on
guy, lets take care of these. It’s baby-making time Mr. Parrish.
THEME MUSIC WITH THE SOUND OF A COUGAR GROWLING.
SEXY JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS.
DOOR BELL RINGS.
KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
MORGANA Hello handsome. I’m going to have
to send Dani a gift basket for finding me such a hottie.
PARRISH HI. Am I early? You need some time to
get dress?
MORGANA Silly, I am dressed. This is how
I lounge around with special company. If Pam Anderson can do it,
so can I. You don’t like my outfit?
PARRISH I freaking love your outfit. I love
it like a fat kid loves school lunches.
MORGANA Oh Parrish, you say the sweetest
things.
PARRISH I take it we’re not going anywhere?
MORGANA We have everything we need here and
then some. Come.
PARRISH Thank you.
MORGANA You’re welcome. So how do you like
my spread?
PARRISH Wow. Looks...delicious.
MORGANA Right? I got all the healthy snacks
on the platter over there and fresh oysters.
PARRISH Oh, that spread. Yes, looks delicious,
but I don’t think I can keep oysters down.
MORGANA You know, I could teach you the
technique of swallowing—-oysters that is and keeping them down.
PARRISH Great. Great. So who’s the chick in
The picture?
MORGANA Oh that’s my sister. She’s adopted.
PARRISH Oh the Kama Sutra. I think I’ve read
this about—-fifty times. I love the pictures.
MORGANA I got a great idea. Let’s pick out
our favorite five positions and see if we have the same tastes.
PARRISH Really?
MORGANA Sure, It’ll be fun, like we’re two
school-aged kids on the edge of discovery.
PARRISH Now that you put it like that...
MORGANA You first.
PARRISH Okay. I see you have these marked.
MORGANA Eat while you work. A man needs
his strength.
PARRISH Okay. Thanks. I bet you use to get
gold stars for eagerness. So I got that. I’m going to tear something up.
MORGANA I’m so excited to see what you have.
PARRISH Yeah it’s freaky.
MORGANA Oh Parrish, I can’t play charades
any longer. I must have you. I’m a bitch in heat.
PARRISH Whoa baby, slow down.
MORGANA You don’t like white chocolate?
PARRISH I like all chocolates, but I wasn’t
really expecting this. I...
SOUNDS OF KISSING.
PARRISH Ummm, I don’t have any condoms.
Not that I wouldn’t, but that’s How I roll.
MORGANA Here you go big boy.
PARRISH How’d you know?
MORGANA Let me help you with that.
PARRISH Okay. Umm. Alright then. They wrap
these things like they don’t want you to open them. I hope I don’t regret this.
MORGANA I hope I don’t either.
PARRISH What was that?
DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS.
ISIS What the hell is going on in here?
WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYS.
MORGANA Isis! What are you doing back today?
PARRISH Isis?—-Hold up, If some dude name
Osiris jumps out that closet, somebody’s getting knocked the hell out.
ISIS I want answers right now. Why are you
dressed like this with--with this man.
PARRISH Why is your roommate tripping about
you having male company?
ISIS Sister?! Sister?
MORGANA Baby, you don't’ understand. I
wanted to surprise you with a pregnancy. Our very own bi-racial
child.
ISIS What? A baby? Like an Alicia Keys,
A Mariah Carey, a Tiger Woods.
MORGANA Barack Obama
MORGANA / ISIS Yes we can.
PARRISH What the hell? You two are lesbians?
MORGANA Don’t you see that picture of
Ellen?
PARRISH But I was putting on a condom.
MORGANA It was rigged for failure. I’m sorry
Parrish, but Dani went on and on about how great your were, so I
paid a nurse friend of mine to get me your medical records. You checked
out okay and you’re artsy and you hot.
ISIS Not bad for a hard leg.
PARRISH You were setting me up?
MORGANA Oh don’t get dramatic. You weren’t
gonna end up on Jerry Springer. We would have raised this babe
together. That beautiful brown baby.
ISIS You were going to do this for me?
MORGANA I’d do anything for you brown sugah.
ISIS I love you.
MORGANA I love you more.
ISIS What a minute cowboy. Where you going?
PARRISH Since I wasn’t booked for this
episode of the L Word, I’m going home.
ISIS Get your butt over here and drop
those drawers. We’re making a baby.
UPTEMPTO MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH CREDITS.
7
7