The Temp Life Season 5, Episode #6: Law & Lunch Order


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 10.01.2011

Transcript:

NICK: Hey, Bonnie.
BONNIE: Hey.
NICK: How's it goin' so far?
BONNIE: Great.
Everyone here is so nice and trusting.
NICK: Right?
BONNIE: Thank you so much for bringing me on.
NICK: Ah well, you're a breath of fresh air here.
BONNIE: That's sweet.
NICK: You're sweet.
BONNIE: [WINCES]
Well, enjoy lunch.
NICK: I will.
It's pastrami day.
BONNIE: [IN MOCK EXCITEMENT]
Oh!

NICK: Oh my God!
Call 911!
[THEME MUSIC]
COOK: You look like a health nut.
You sure you don't wanna veggie?
HANK: Turkey, baby.
And an apple.
COOK: Hey.
[SLAPS HAND]
HANK: Ow!
OK.
COOK: Apple.
All right, free lunch, baby.
COOK: Not free.
NICK: Free everything.
HANK: Oh, five.
All right.
A fiver.
HANK: All right-y.
NICK: Move out of my office.
HANK: It's so comfy.
COOK: Double dippin' on pastrami day.
Look at you.
I mean yo, I'm impressed.
I mean you, you're fit.
NICK: I, well, you know--
I, I am.
COOK: Well here you go, I mean lemme um--
Lemme get you a, uh, pastrami sammy.
It's uh, nuh, nuh.
I'm, I'm outta pastrami.
I'm sorry, bro.
NICK: No!
No.
Someone took mine.
COOK: Whoa.
Someone took your sandwich.
Did, did you label it?
I mean, the little guy must be terrified.
NICK: Of course he was labeled.
COOK: Didja call the cops?
NICK: Yes.
And they laughed at me.
COOK: [BREATHES OUT IN DISBELIEF]
When did this happen? 'Cause I mean, the little guy's not
going to last too long without proper refrigeration.
NICK: I'm aware.
I, I think probably anyone who stole my sandwich by now has
really eaten it.
COOK: You know what?
I'm gonna help you.
We are gonna go find who took our sandwich.
NICK: Like sandwich detectives.
COOK: Yes.
NICK: Yes.
COOK: Just like sandwich detectives.
NICK: Awesome.
COOK: Sandwiched together.
NICK: Yeah, yeah.
COOK: C'mon, let's go--
NICK: Let's go.
COOK: --find out.
[LAW & ORDER SOUND EFFECT]
COOK: So what do you know about "Miss Thing?"
NICK: Well "Miss Thing" is uh, a woman who makes my life
absolute misery, and we're not even married.
COOK: I was gonna ask that.
ALINA: I can see you.

COOK: Let's go inside.
NICK: [SIGHS]
[HITS GLASS]
Oof.
ALINA: Where's my stapler?
NICK: I dunno, Alina.
Where is your stapler?
COOK: Do you like pickles?
ALINA: What is this about?
NICK: Do you like salty, cured meats?
ALINA: No.
COOK: What did you have for lunch?
ALINA: The same thing I have every day.
A cup of cottage cheese and three grapes.
NICK: Did you eat all three grapes?
ALINA: Yes.

COOK: [SNIFFS]
[LAW & ORDER SOUND EFFECT]
NICK: So where were you between 12:00 and 12:30?
MARK: I dunno.
I misplaced my phone.
Uh, what time is it now?
NICK: You know actually that looks really good, Mark.
Could I uh, could I have a bite o' your lunch?
MARK: Nick, it's not a pizza for two.
It's a pizza for one.
NICK: Why did you take my pastrami sandwich?
MARK: What?
I'm eating now.
Why would I take your pastrami sandwich?
NICK: How do you know it was pastrami?
MARK: You just said it was a pastrami sandwich.
COOK: That checks out.
NICK: All right.
[LAW & ORDER SOUND EFFECT]
NICK: So Stormy tell us, is eating a good way to deal with
stress, usually?
STORMY: Oh sure, yeah.
Definitely can be.
Mm hmm.
COOK: So what'd you have for lunch?
STORMY: I had, um--
Oh gosh.
What, what did I have?
NICK: You know damn well what you had for lunch.
It was only an hour ago.
You gotta know what you stuffed in your face.
STORMY: I, I just--
But what a, just--
[SIGHS IN DESPERATION]
Fine.
OK.
I admit it.
I I admit it, guys.
I had two boxes of Pepperidge Farm cookies and
a pint of ice cream.
COOK: That's so unhealthy.
Why would you do that?
STORMY: I--
NICK: Uh, that actually looks a little bit like spicy brown
mustard, right there on your hands.
STORMY: Oh.
Well see what happened is, I lost my good lotions.
And so I went to the store and I bought
the store brand lotions.
And the store brand lotions must have
stained my hands yellow.
It's not mustard.

Uh--
COOK: [STIFLES SICKNESS]
[WHISPERS IN DISGUST]
That checks out.
[STIFLES SICKNESS AGAIN]
[LAW & ORDER SOUND EFFECT]
NICK: I haven't eaten since breakfast.
My blood sugar is dangerously low.
Someone stole my pastrami sandwich from its safe
Styrofoam bosom, and its refrigerated teat.
ALINA: Gross.
BONNIE: I can't believe someone
would take your sandwich.
I mean Nick is so nice.
NICK: Oh God, Bonnie.
You are the sweetest.
Right, right?
I mean really.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
MARK: Hey, I have that same ring tone.
BONNIE: Hello?
Oh no, I'm sorry.
He's not here right now.
OK.
MARK: Actually I have that same phone.
BONNIE: Look Nick, I'm really sorry but I have
to get out of here.
Um, maybe I can just give you the money and we can all get
outta here?
NICK: Oh my God.
Again with that sweetness.
BONNIE: Yeah, oh no problem.
NICK: Sweet, you.
Actually, that would be great.
BONNIE: How much was it?
NICK: It was--
COOK: That looks like my wallet.
NICK: What?
COOK: Whatcha got in the bag?
Let's take a look, huh?
What?
You haulin' out reams of paper?!?
Reams of paper.
And Kleenex.
What else is goin' on in here?
[GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION]
[SIGHS IN DISBELIEF]
[SIGHS IN ACCUSATION]
[SIGHS IN GRIEF]
H'oh!
NICK: Bonnie, you're not sweet.
You're salted, and corrupt.
COOK: [WHISPERS]
You deserve better than this.
[KISSES SANDWICH]
BONNIE: OK, I did it.
I'm a kleptomaniac.

So this means I'm fired, then?
NICK: I think it's appropriate.
COOK: [SNIFFS]
NICK: Eh, whoa--
Keep it.

COOK: You and me, we're gonna go to the deli on the corner.
And I'm gonna buy you and me a nice pastrami sandwich, huh?
NICK: That sounds good.
COOK: OK.
NICK: All right.
COOK: [SLAPS NICK ON SHOULDER]
[LAUGHS]
It's gonna be OK.
He's,--
[SLAPS NICK ON SHOULDER AGAIN]
--he's gonna be OK.

MARK: Wait.
She has my phone.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]