NerdOffice S03E22 - Nerdologia: Prometheus (SPOILERS) (ENG SUB)

Uploaded by JovemNerd on 21.06.2012

You're so false-faced!
- Is it because I've been impatient lately? - He did it! He asked why! He fell for it!! presents: NerdOffice Editing by Subtitles by Fabio Lima - @fabiopl
Lambda, lambda, lambda, nerds! Welcome to the NerdOffice!
Today, Azaghal, we're making a combo.
Nerdology meets Spoiler Zone!
- Or is it... Kind of, right? - No, it's just Nerdology.
- Anyway, we watched... - Imagine what we'd have to name it.
Nerdology Spoiler Zone Pocket: Prometheus.
Okay, that's terrible.
So, we watched Prometheus. We were happy and excited.
Yeah, very.
And now people are going to say we were hit by the hype monster.
Which might be true.
A little, yeah, because come on, sci-fi, Ridley Scott and all...
But do you know what hit me even harder?
The "That Movie Sucks Balls" monster!
That one hit me with a passion!
When you say "monster", you mean the hype monster,
not the actual monster from the movie, right?
I'm talking about the "That Movie Sucks Balls" monster that hit me.
It always comes when the movie sucks balls.
When the movie's bad...
The monster's name is "That Movie Sucks Balls".
Some people liked the movie, which is okay.
This is not a review, it's just our opinion, why we didn't like it.
Lots of people asked us on Twitter and such.
"What do you mean you didn't like it? Why?"
When we started making the list of cons, we realized it was too long to tweet.
We thought it'd be best to be more direct.
So, here's the Spoiler Zon... No, not that.
There will be spoilers! If you haven't watched it yet,
this feature will ruin the movie for you,
even though I think we couldn't ruin it any more than Ridley Scott did.
And our friend Lindelof of Lost fame...
[DAMON LINDELOF - BASTARD] - You're really a mother******, aren't you?
- That's the scriptwriter! - You are a first-rate mother*****!
Let's just get this shit over with!
Azaghal, you know I like to tune in when I watch a movie, right?
You know, tune in to the movie's mood.
The Avengers' mood is different from The Dark Knight's mood.
- I don't know. Probably. - Yes, they are different moods.
I simply like to be in the movie's vibe.
Well, it's all the same.
When we went to watch Prometheus, we were really excited.
We'd even commented the trailer in an old episode.
We'd even commented the trailer in an old episode. [What we need: Excitement/Pop corn/Tickets/Run!]
Alien is fucking good, and Ridley Scott is great. [What we need: Excitement/Pop corn/Tickets/Run!]
That's right. Let's...
All that mood... Plus, how long has it been since the last Alien movie?
I wasn't even considering it an Alien movie. [Was it??!?]
I was. [Was it??!?]
Scott told us to it's not an actual Alien movie. [Was it??!?]
It's another sci-fi movie. Got it? [Was it??!?]
I was expecting an Alien prequel. [Was it??!?]
[Prequel: focuses on events before the original story. Spin-off: Comes from a franchise, but may have other stories and characters.] People are saying on the internet it's a spin-off.
[Prequel: focuses on events before the original story. Spin-off: Comes from a franchise, but may have other stories and characters.]
[Prequel: focuses on events before the original story. Spin-off: Comes from a franchise, but may have other stories and characters.] Because everyone is to believe that...
...the story happened on the planet where the Nostromo crew would land, right?
Uhh, right.
But the name of the planet is different...
...from the one in the movie Alien.
So it's not the same place. It's the same universe.
But it has no direct connections with the original movie.
A prequel must have a direct connection to the original story.
But isn't there that spaceship thing?
What do you mean?
That giant alien that...
Yes, but it's not in the same place as them. It's just from the same universe.
It doesn't link the facts from both movies.
But anyway, whatever.
We went to an iMax 3D. Super cool!
- Don't forget Mr. K! - Yeah, he was there with us!
They had done some viral videos before the premiere.
One of them showed a young Peter Weyland speaking at TED 2023.
He said he had a vision, he wanted to save the world, all that crap.
They did many virals with the android, David.
So, it isn't Alien, but it is. Right, my friend?
- Because Weyland is Alien. - Yeah. Well, it's in the Alien universe.
The movie actually starts okay.
The way they used 3-D in the beginning was interesting.
We went to see the movie in 3-D. I was very upset, but the preview was only in 3-D.
So we were there, with the glasses...
But at first, the scenes were using 3-D effectively.
Yeah, it was cool.
There's that excavation scene. The camera is in the rock,
so it's dark, and when the hole is open, you feel like you're in there.
There are many cool scenes like that.
Before that, when they show that giant hunky baby...
Because the aliens in that movie look like...
giant, beefy adult babies.
It's as if Schwarzenegger were a baby.
That's pretty much it.
Then, he sacrifices himself for its creation.
That scene also has some nice 3-D. The beginning of the movie was pretty cool!
I said "Thank you, Ridley Scott!" in my mind.
And I thought we might have a cool Alien movie. [A good movie. Or maybe not.]
Then, I started to get even more excited. [A good movie. Or maybe not.]
My expectations started to rise. [A good movie. Or maybe not.]
I thought, "Man, we might actually have a good 3-D Alien movie!"
I started to imagine that little mouth... [Tonguie!]
...coming toward me in 3-D. [Tonguie!]
With little spit drops. [Tonguie!]
Funny. I wasn't even expecting that.
- Oh, I was. - That shows how we had different expectations.
Every movie supposes you are watching it with a suspension of disbelief.
That goes more for science fiction.
You have to suspend your belief a little... order to be able to enter that universe, understand it and accept its concepts.
The problem is, when common sense is missing,
there's no suspension of disbelief that can keep things together.
Mm. Why?
Well, first of all... It's no reason to hate the movie, but...
...I thought it was strange that the whole Prometheus entered the planet's atmosphere.
It's basic knowledge:
If you're going to an unexplored place,
and you have a mothership with all of its resources,
like fuel, communication devices, life support and all,
you send a smaller ship to explore the planet.
NASA's Space Program is like that.
The control module stays in the moon's orbit,
the lunar module detaches and lands on it, with as few resources as possible.
Fuck, in Alien II, the marines traveled in the mothership...
...and landed in a tiny spaceship.
Because if shit happens, as it did, when the tiny spaceship was destroyed,
they summon another one, dammit!
They ask for help!
Anyway, you're entering an uncharted planet... [Prometheus, step on it!!!]
...with your only escape vehicle. [Prometheus, step on it!!!]
A planet that can be vulnerable to any atmospheric anomalies,
ion storms or whatever. You can very well miss your ride home!
Okay, I thought it was lack of common sense, but whatever.
I'm a nitpicking nerd, you know?
In fact, that didn't even bother me.
The ship entered, won't be able to leave, it's all fine.
This is what bothered me: [The characters]
They started by showing the crew... [The characters]
...coming out of the ship's suspension. [The characters]
And then you have freakin' Charlize,
who's looking fucking good.
By the way, I saw that Snow White movie,
which fails to convince you that Snow White can be cooler than Charlize.
And then you have the rest of the characters:
like this awesome guy named Fifield.
He has this whole futuristic inmate thing going on.
Tattooed face, tattooed arm, mohawk,
short replies...
That other nerdy guy Milburn comes and tries to be friends with him,
and he just shuts him up: "I'm here to work".
The movie has these stereotypes.
The tough leader who brings it on,
the android, who could kick Data's ass,
the angry dude, the believers... They're all there.
They're cool characters.
So many cool characters are being built there, Ridley Scott.
But let's move on.
By the way, Charlize gave Weyland a face. [Weyland's (beautiful) face]
Because the company had always been a shadow. [Weyland's (beautiful) face]
Always tough, "everyone's expendable", [Weyland's (beautiful) face]
"and the company's interests are what matters".
And she was the company's human face.
Always tough, "you're all idiots and I'm the only one who knows what she's doing",
Charlize's charcater is very cool.
There's even one who resembles a lot Alien I's mechanic. Remember him?
He was always like, "I don't get payed for that", and shit.
- The pilot also reminded me of him. - The captain.
- Yeah. He was very carefree. - Yeah, he was very cool.
I thought it was a homage to that guy.
He even makes Charlize a sarcastic joke: "Are you a robot?"
Because, well, you never know.
But, in all truth, the characters didn't really go beyond that.
Yeah, it only went down from that.
It started out with the scientist couple...
...who dreamed of discovering an alien civilization that preceeded mankind.
When they finally find evidence of intelligent life on that planet,
it's like, whatever, just another working day. [I found a civilization. I'm going fishing.]
Yeah! Before they found any bodies or creatures, [I found a civilization. I'm going fishing.]
they had seen buildings that could only have been made by intelligent life forms.
Exactly!! You've just found a civilization, dammit!!
- Everybody was like, "Let's check it out". - That changes the history of mankind!
[Tuesdays at 9pm, don't miss it!] They could have done the best...
[Tuesdays at 9pm, don't miss it!] ...Ancient Aliens episode ever!
[Tuesdays at 9pm, don't miss it!] All his theories were right!
[Tuesdays at 9pm, don't miss it!] That's true!
And when they find out everyone's dead,
the guy goes and get shit-faced!
- He's an idiot! - As if nothing happened!
"Oh, what a bummer, they all died."
Come on, man! That's lack of common sense when it comes to character credibility!
And he wasn't the only one who proved to suck.
We learn later on that Fifield was a geologist!
He was all hardcore and shit.
We thought he as an ex-con, or that he'd join in the security team and set the aliens on fire,
but he turned out to be a mere geologist who likes to throw little laser balls...
...and do pyrotechnic shows. He never does anything useful!
They are entering a rock formation and he doesn't make any geological comments.
And he's all, "You discovered alien life forms?"
"Screw that, I'm a geologist. I like rocks! I'm leaving!"
Oh, f*** off, man!
What kind of character credibility is that?!
The other one was a biologist.
The Milburn guy.
That dorky nerdy biologist sees something that might be an alien life form...
Man, the possibilities!
Worst of all was him playing "cutey alien snakey" with it!
He's a biologist! On Earth, you don't play with an animal that seems threatening,
let alone a freaking snake that opens up and looks like an alien naja.
When closed up, it looked like a dick that'd fuck him in the ass!
When opened up, it looked like a naja.
I'd be less scared.
But it looks like a freaking alien dildo!
Man, he's all like...
He could have gotten excited and wanted to give his name to everything on that planet,
but to act that moronic way...
How can a guy who studied so much act like a stupid child?
All of them act like they're completely crazy.
The only one whose behavior we can understand is David, the android.
He doesn't fucking care. He opens, tests and sticks his finger into everything.
He doesn't care at all.
But he's an android! He can't die, he isn't afraid and he couldn't care less.
And he couldn't care less about who's on that ship.
And also, the android was the best character in the movie.
David was a character who'd got a little more promise than the others.
Because there was a hierarchy of creators.
The engineers created the humans, who created the androids.
The engineers are the giant hunky babies, right?
So all of a sudden you see the android...
...manipulate all that knowledge possessed by the creators... order for him to become the new creator and be able to create something.
He infected a guy who had inpregnated a woman with an alien.
So the android was the subcreation...
...that also wanted to become a creator.
- It was so... - But later on, all that behavior went random.
Yeah, he forgot all about it!
The old Weyland told him: "Hey, robot! Take me to meet the giant baby!"
And then David forgot what he was doing.
He forgot how to be a cool character!
That's exactly the problem.
I can understand. He's an android,
so his main function is to serve Weyland.
so his main function is to serve Weyland. [1 - Mess things up]
so his main function is to serve Weyland. [1 - Mess things up / 2 - Create new race]
So, if he says "Stop what you're doing and go"... [1-Mess things up / 2-Create new race / 3-Obey Weyland]
Weyland, while in suspension, told him: [1-Mess things up / 2-Create new race / 3-Obey Weyland]
"Try harder." [1-Mess things up / 2-Create new race / 3-Obey Weyland]
So he went and infected that guy, [1-Mess things up / 2-Create new race / 3-Obey Weyland]
and when he found out the woman was pregnant,
he decided to put her into suspension,
But then he said, "I want to meet my God" and left.
"Okay. To hell with it all."
That was his time to get free from all that, [Not obey any directives!!!]
to become a great character, even a vilain. [Not obey any directives!!!]
In my shitty opinion, he simply blanked out. [Not obey any directives!!!]
The character stopped making sense. [Not obey any directives!!!]
He became just another nutjob among all the nutjobs.
Yeah, another nutjob among all the nutjobs!
And another thing: you know in the future you can perform surgery...
- ...with an anesthetic spray... - Pepper spray.
And then you staple the person and they can run, fight, rappel... Everything!
It's nice to have a preservation instinct,
It's fucking fine by me.
You may have the best preservation instinct...
...and take as many morphine shots as you want,
there's no way you'll be like that at the end of the surgery,
with a stapled belly like that!
It wasn't even morphine! It was like, Tylenol!
It only kicks in after like 2h30'!
There's no way those stitches wouldn't open up!
It's those little things that kill your suspension of disbelief.
You stop buying it. The characters...
It's crazy that the spaceship just stopped giving a fuck.
First, they sent 2 scientists to put her into suspension.
Then she kicks the scientists' asses, runs away,
and that was it. They stopped caring about her.
"Oh, it's okay, you can perform surgery on yourself."
But she went to the ship's boss' room,
entered it easily, went to the room with the surgery machine,
broke into everything with no passwords or anything,
did the surgery, and fuck it!
That's how it has to be in order for the story to work, so fuck it!
There was no way she'd be able to do that.
By the way, Charlize could've stayed in her room on Earth.
What did she go there for? To watch her dad die?
Oh, right, she's Weyland's daughter!
Which added nothing to the movie!
Yeah! She just said, "Something something, father!"
Yeah, now it all makes sense. NOT!
Yeah, whatever! That ruined the character!
I thought she was great as just a mean Weyland Corp employee.
But all of a sudden, she was the daughter that watched her father die.
Then he dies, and she says, "Let's go home."
Great, that's 5 years of your life you just wasted.
You could have stayed home, playing on your Playstation,
sitting on the CEO chair and getting an e-mail saying: "Your daddy died...
...and now you're the boss." Come fucking on!
Dude, that's really lack of common sense!
And there are other things. You know that speaking with confidence is what counts, right?
The girl, after seeing her boyfriend being burned alive,
after performing surgery on herself,
totally in shock, running, a hole was opening up on the ground,
and, in 2 minutes, she manages to convince the captain to kill himself,
having no proof that the giant baby alien would destroy Earth.
And that crew... I can believe that they have a strong link with their captain.
But the movie didn't have to show that!
All those guys like, "We're staying with you 'till the end, Captain!"
I don't fucking care about that!
There are so many useless scenes in that movie!
I don't care who's going to kill themselves with the ship. Screw that!
[ESCAPE PLAN] By the way, ladies, a hint to you.
[ESCAPE PLAN] When a giant donut is rolling towards you,
Don't run like a chicken runs away from a car. Just run sideways, dammit!
Run sideways, Charlize! Just run 5 meters sideways!
Just let that donut pass!
Oh, you have made so many little promises, Prometheus!
But there's more. The main idea is that the engineers...
...are the ones who gave birth to planet Earth.
Yes. Let's now delve into the movie's core, the movie's philosophy.
So that's the idea: those creatures gave life to the human race.
In fact, from what I understood, to all life forms on Earth.
Exactly. You've got to understand something:
we, humans, share DNA similarities with all living beings.
Our DNA is 99% similar to the monkey's and the mouse's DNA's.
Our DNA is 70% similar to that of a sea sponge!
There'd be no way to create just mankind in a creationist act...
...millions of years ago.
They would've had to literally go back billions of years.
[A GAJILLION YEARS AGO] Not go back, but do that billions of years ago...
[A GAJILLION YEARS AGO] order for all life on Earth to evolve...
[A GAJILLION YEARS AGO] its current state.
I got that. Life came from the sea and all, so I guess that was okay.
Okay, but does that make sense with that plot...
...about the guy wanting to destroy Earth now?
Well, here's the thing. They found, during many excavations,
a pattern that formed a constellation,
which could only be found millions of years into the future.
- As Mr. K would say... - MILLIONS!!
And then those guys manage to find that pattern in the sky...
...and go to that planet.
When they get there, they find out that, in fact, the giant babies regreted that,
...and decided to destroy all life on Earth.
No, they regreted 2,000 years ago,
because that guy had been sleeping for 2,000 years, and when he woke up...
"Oh boy! I've gotta destroy Earth!"
I think they regreted much more than 2,000 years ago.
[There's no way that'll work!] The thing is, did they regret for the humans,
[There's no way that'll work!] or for everything else as well?
[There's no way that'll work!] Well, it's hard to tell...
...whether they regret having created the Alien on that planet,
and saw they'd created... [Ma! I did this!]
...a weapon of mass destruction, [Ma! I did this!]
which might turn into a horrible monster, [Ma! I did this!]
and "Oh my God, we screwed up! We have to destroy all of our creations!"
[Kill 'em all!] "Give me that file: Planet Earth."
[Kill 'em all!] "Created billions of years ago by us."
[Kill 'em all!] "Oh, let's destroy it, then."
Does that make sense? Do we need to question those things?
But it gets worse!
Listen up:
They created a biological weapon and regreted it.
They are geneticists and that's what they make, life forms, not bombs.
So they make this creature, the Alien,
or rather, this creature that turns into the Alien,
to destroy the whole planet,
or they created it, saw they screwed up and threw it...
...onto the planet to see what'd happen, I don't know.
But I wonder:
The woman said those giant baby aliens...
had left that circle pattern that forms a constellation... they could later communicate with Earth...
...and show humans where they should go.
But when the humans arrive on the giant baby aliens' planet,
they find out that's not the giant baby aliens' planet.
That's only a planet where they keep their weapons. It's like their weaponry.
It's like their Manhattan Project.
Exactly. Why, o God, why did they go through the trouble of...
coming back to Earth so many times to leave those markings...
on different excavation sites, just to show us where their Manhattan Project is?
Because that planet was nothing but a biological weaponry.
Ancient aliens, if you want to leave evidence that you've been here,
just bury a damn flying saucer, for Christ's sake!
Enough with the little enigmas on the walls!
And the enigma doesn't even makes sense! It led them to the wrong place!
It doesn't take you to the right place! [Come into my weaponry! I'll give you candy!]
At the end of the movie she says to the android,
"Can you take me to their planet?" [Take me I'm yours!]
"I think I can do that!" [Take me I'm yours!]
That android will say anything he wants, right? [Take me I'm yours!]
- Anything to leave that place. - "Get me outta here!"
Did that movie have to exist?
Did the Alien story need to be told that way?
Did we really need to raise all those questions about geneticists that created mankind,
questions with no answers, and if you try to find them, you'll find yourself in a maze...
...with no logical way out.
That movie was really something that has come and gone.
Totally useless. It has no cool action scenes that justify the movie's existence.
You can't even say, "at least that one scene was cool". No.
There's none of that. No cool running around scenes or anything.
The characters are all empty and you want them all to die.
You don't cheer for them. Well, I liked Charlize.
No bullshit. I only cheered for her.
There's the alien's design, but that's not enough.
It's like the movie could be neither a thriller like Alien,
nor a philosophical movie like Blade Runner. Those are both Ridley Scott movies.
They're very good. They're sci-fi milestones.
You know what pissed me off the most?
This is what I said when we watched the trailer:
"Wow, finally, an Alien movie without that ugly bitch Sigourney Weaver!"
And I got even more excited because it would have Charlize!
But then they put that ugly scientist in the movie... be the new Ripley.
But she's not as ugly as Ripley.
But Charlize was there and they decided to focus on that woman!
But in the end, Weyland didn't have to go to the other planet... order to live longer. You know that, right?
All he had to do was marry a green-eyed Chinese girl!
[Leave Jack Burton out of this!]
Hey guys, what's up? I'm here to give you a quick message.
It's about the YouPix Awards! I'm here basically to ask you:
Vote, you damn bastards! Vote for us. Please.
Jovem Nerd was nominated for 7 awards.
The first one is Website of the Year,
which we deserve, because the website just got a facelift.
New logo, new layout, it's a full-blown nerd portal now.
There's new stuff every week... Excuse me, I have to clear my throat.
New stuff from Monday to Saturday: Nerdplayer, NerdOffice, Nerdcast,
MRG, with thousands of podcasts scattered around the website,
Jovem Nerd News, with Stephan Martins busting his ass... post thousands of news stories every day.
There's Skynerd! We've got a social network for nerds!
We've got thousands of cool stuff!
Come on, we have to win the website... best...
best... website... Well, you get the idea.
Vote for Jovem Nerd as Best Website of the Year,
And I promise that, if it wins,
Stephan Martins's getting naked.
We were also nominated for Best Videocast...
...of the Year.
You know this videocast you're watching?
It was nominated.
So my friend,
Vote for us.
I don't want to be the one to jinx NerdOffice.
I started to edit NerdOffice this year,
so I'd like to win an award.
Azaghal and Alottoni have won so many awards, and I got nothing...
Vote for NerdOffice as Best Videocast of the Year,
and if it wins,
I'm getting naked.
Nominated for Best Podcast of the Year,
we have MRG!
You're probably thinking: "Can't I vote for Nerdcast?"
No. Nerdcast wasn't nominated, because it's getting a special award.
They're sick and tired of giving awards to Nerdcast,
so they'll give it an...
hours conc... I don't know how to pronounce that.
Hour concours.
Vote for MRG and... Solano will get naked.
Nomitated for Best Blogger of the Year, it's a duo!
Alottoni and Azaghal, together as one!
Vote for the duo. Show Alottoni and Azaghal your love for them.
Vote for them as Bloggers of the Year.
If they win, they're getting naked.
Alottoni was also nominated for another award: Geek of the Year.
So vote for him, because if you do, his cell phone's getting naked.
Azaghal was nominated for 2 awards:
"I Fuckin' Rule" of the Year and Troll of the Year.
I guess everyone saw that one coming.
So, please, vote for Azaghal so he can win those awards...
...and he'll get naked.
Anyway, vote for Jovem Nerd, for a happy and naked world.
Because we want your mone--
Because we want is your recognition for our work!
Jovem Nerd!
So what's this week's question, Azaghal?
How many puns can you make with the word Prometheus?
Good one! Go for it! Just send us a bunch of puns!
Subtitles by @fabiopl