Jephthah (Judges 11)

O Lord, Iíve got a battle coming up with the Ammonites.
Iím really gonna need to carry out a massive slaughter.
So I figured that, since thatís your specialty, you're the person to turn to for help.
Ammonites, eh? Hm, fancy that!
Just recently I sold my beloved people, the Israelites, into their hands.
O- oh, is that what this is about?
Well, yes, Lord. Your beloved people are asking you to help them.
No. I told them: ìI will deliver you no more!î
And I donít lie, ever! So, no.
Pleeeeeeeeeease?
Okay, sure. So, are we gonna be killing just armies of men
or are there gonna be women and children killed, too?
Oh, I donít know. Why does that matter?
Yeah, see, I need to start taking care of this sort of thing.
I donít want any atheists saying that I ever killed women and children indiscriminately.
But you do! What about when you told that guy to go through Jerusalem and
ìslay utterly old and young, both maids and little children, and women?î
Yeah, I know, I know. Iíve ordered that babies be killed, and Iíve even killed them myself directly.
But in every case they WERE evil babies who deserved it, okay?
Itís important that people know that I only order the death of evil and stubborn people
and usually for the heinous crime of just not getting the hell out of the way of my real estate dealings!
Well, the Ammonites ARE requesting that we give them their land back.
AAAARRRGH!!! BASTARDS!!!
But Lord, Iím planning on conquering about twenty cities. Like what Joshua did.
Joshua! Ho ho! What a great man!
All I had to do was just unfairly manipulate each battle in his favor
and heíd exterminate every living thing, in city after city! If it breathed, it died! Ho!
In fact, have you ever met anyone from the city of Libnah?
No.
Have you ever met anyone from the city of Lachish?
No.
- Gezer? - No.
- Hebron? Debir? - No.
- Kadesh Barnea? Gaza? - No.
- Goshen? Eglon? Gibeon? - No.
Of course you havenít! No people from those cities exist anymore!
ícause Joshua killed every single man, woman, child and baby alive in them!
Exactly as I, the Lord God of Israel, had commanded him!
So why are you worried about me maybe killing some more babies if it comes to that?
Well, itís public relations, see? Atheists are always gonna try to point to my evil acts
and use them to try to make me look, well, evil.
I mean, are you planning to use your sword to slice apart any pregnant women on this one?
Well, thatís an interesting idea.
Yeah, yeah, itís a threat I like to use against people.
But I just canít stand it when my enemies do it!
I mean, what part of ìThou shalt not kill!î do people not understand?
Mh. What about when your own people, the Israelites, do it, Lord?
Well, king Menahem sliced apart pregnant women.
I didnít like it, but I didnít think it was worth him losing his job over it, so I just did nothing.
Right. So, are you gonna help me, then?
Oh, that reminds me: Is there gonna be any dashing of babies against rocks in this campaign of yours?
Lord, look, I donít think you need to worry about me doing that, okay?
Can we talk about the Ammonites?
Yeah, yeah, look, I guess Iíd have to say that
if you can avoid deliberately smashing babiesí skulls apart on rocks, Iíd prefer that.
Even though my book does suggest that it is potentially a source of happiness.
Yeah, okay, okay. So, Lord, the Ammonites?
Yeah. I havenít slaughtered Ammonites before. This will be something new.
Actually, the closest I came to harming the Ammonites
was when I sent a left-handed man to visit the king of one of their allies
and stab him in the guts with a double-edged sword,
causing him to shit himself and then die.
Hahahaha!
Anyway, letís get to work on this AmmoniteÖ Ooh, hold on, Jephthah!
You nearly tricked me! Whatís in it for me if I help you out on this?
If you got nothing to give me in return, then, frankly, you can go know yourself.
Hmm, something in returnÖ
I assume that you mean a sacrifice of some sort.
Mh, mh, keep talking! Whaddya got?
I know just what you want, Lord!
Oooh! Goody! Goody!
I promise, Lord, to do good and to share, for with such sacrifices you are well-pleased.
Jephthah! Wake up!
I donít value things like that! Not yet, anyway.
I want what I usually want: the ritualistic death of living things!
When I helped out Moses, he killed me 818 animals and 32 human virgins.
Oh, the odor ó so pleasing!
Well, I donít have that much to offer, Lord.
My half-brothers kicked me out of the family because my mother was a whore.
So Iíve only got my wife and kid and a couple of servants.
Ohhh. Just a couple of servants and a kid, huh?
Yeah, yeah, and my wiÖ Oh, youíre thinking of my servants.
Oh, erm, I donít expect youíd like them much, Lord.
Theyíre a bit old, pretty lazy, not much good anyÖ
Er, this kid of yours ó boy or girl?
Errr, a daughter.
Um, actually, now that I think of it, Lord,
my servants really are good, very righteous, hard-workingÖ
Married?
Yes, they are! I bought them already married, two for the price ofÖ
No, no, I mean your daughter.
Oh, erm, no, sheís not.
Um, Lord, youíre not suggesting that I sacrificeÖ?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I never said anything!
You know itís completely against my character to desire that children be killed, ever!
If you think that I tolerate the killing of innocent children,
then youíve totally misinterpreted everything Iíve clearly stated in my book!
Either that or read a version that was mistranslated from the original Hebrew.
Frigginí translators! Why donít they ever mistranslate bits to make me look extra-nice?
They always turn me into a sick, unjust, cruel, violent, mass-murdering psychopath, when Iím, Iím, erÖ
Oh, actually, I am. Hm, anyway.
Now back to you and your sacrifice.
You make me an offer.
If itís something that I want, then Iíll help you.
But if, say, you were to make some kind of immoral or unethical offer
ó something that violated basic conceptions of love, fairness and justice ó
then, of course, I wonít accept that
and I would clearly and unequivocally chastise you for even making such an offer.
Oh, yeah, yes, of course, Lord!
I would never even think of offering you something
that would make you look immoral, bloodthirsty or evil, were you to accept it.
So I tell you what: If you help me slaughter the Ammonites,
I promise that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me,
when I return in peace from the children of Ammon,
shall surely be the Lordís, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.
(gasps) A burnt offering?!
Something from his house, possible human sacrifice,
couple of servants, wife and a daughter.
I like those odds!
Jephthah, Iím going to help you!
Yeah, but címon, Lord! You donít really intend toÖ?
Babababa! Címon, címon, letís talk strategy.
You and I have got some butchering to do!
Okay, come on, servant. Come on, servant.
Iím home!
Daddy! Daddy!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Oh no! I told you his daughter would be the first thing to come out of his house!
Stupid deal, Lord!
Yeah, now one of us has to go down and stop the sacrifice.
Like when Abraham was about to kill HIS only child.
Shall I go now, Lord?
Really, Lord, as soon as youíre ready. Just give the word and weíre there!
Yeah, and now would be the perfect time to say:
ìOkay, Gabriel, go down there once again and stop that awful human sacrifice from happening,
ìbecause such things are unambiguously evil and offend my perfect moral standard!î
Oh, wait, er, sheís going off into the mountains with her friends to, umÖ
Hm, it looks like sheís bewailing her virginity.
Sheíd be better off trying to lose it while she has the chance.
Yeah, buys us some time, though.
How long is she gonna be?
Probably a couple of months, Lord.
Aw, I donít wanna wait!
Iím the Lord of time and space!
Iím gonna fast-forward it to see whatís happens next.
Oh, two months Earth-time have passed. Sheís back!
Look! Jephthah has made a sacrificial pyre to burn her on!
Shall I go now, Lord Yahweh?
Lord? Uh, shall I go now and safe her life?
Since you donít approve of human sacrifice, ever?
And only false gods such as Molech would ever demand such a thing,
which, according to your believers, justifies so many of the holy genocides youíve helped Israel commit?
Sheís on the chopping block, Lord! Send me now!
Iím so sorry.
(screams)
You know, Iím gonna see to it that Jephthah is recognized and remembered as a man of great faith.
Do you know, before he dies, heís gonna be responsible for around 42,000 more deaths?
Ha! Heís a hero!
Did you not see what you just let happen here?
Of course I did!
But what just happened here was justified!
How?!
Oh, look, I canít be bothered explaining it! Iím busy!
Just ask my devoted and well-informed followers!
Theyíll be happy to explain to you exactly how and why this was perfectly acceptable!
Right?
Subtitles by Tom S. Fox