Never Mind the Buzzcocks S23E06 + ENG & RUS SUBS

Hello and welcome to Never Mind The Buzzcocks. I'm Claudia Winkleman and I'm your host this week.
I think we all know what that means - Biggins is busy!
On Phill's team tonight...
# Every little earthquake... #
She's a pop star called Little Boots who hilariously has normal-sized boots. Brilliant. It's Little Boots!
He stars in the greatest comedy show ever, The Simpsons, and the greatest comedy film ever, Spinal Tap.
Here's a man who clearly hasn't Googled this show. It's Harry Shearer!
And on Noel's team tonight...
# You better shake it off... #
She put in the hard work on the pop circuit, so she could make it as a professional panellist.
It's so sad Elvis died before Mock The Week. It's Jamelia!
And from top sketch show Cowards, a rising star of comedy, hoping to make it onto the panel show circuit.
Here for some professional advice from Jamelia, it's Tom Basden!
Those are our teams. I'm so excited, I've just done a tiny, tiny wee.
So we start with Do You Really Want To Hurt Me? Noel, Jamelia and Tom, take a look at this.
# You like the movies and I like TV... #
"You like movies, I like TV.
"You've got feline genitalia and mine are largely human. This is never gonna work." It's Paula Abdul.
# Two steps forward, two steps back
# We come together cos opposites attract... #
She's brilliant. That's just a fact.
That was Paula Abdul with Opposites Attract, but how did she break her nose in 2007?
Did she, A, trip over a dog,
B, cycle into a horse,
or C, drive into a bison?
It could happen. Over to you guys.
Are they still together, her and the cat?
They had a rocky patch and an argument over salmon.
And presumably, he'd die at about 14, so that would be troubling for her. Yeah.
What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?
Or what's a gnu?
A gnu is... A wildebeest. It's got horns.
If a dyslexic's holding a gnu, you want to be careful, basically.
I should know the difference between a buffalo and a bison cos I've come dressed as a sort of Navajo toddler.
Basically, Jamelia's worn a bra and I look like...
I look like a paedophile ski instructor.
You just did a film with some animals, didn't you? It was great.
I've been in Hungary for a while doing a film with a bear, a live, massive, massive bear.
And they were feeding the bear chicken sausages and Coke
after telling me that the bear was a vegetarian, not to worry.
And they said, "Don't worry. He hasn't eaten for two days."
And Vinnie Jones is basically pushing me into the bear enclosure.
I'll try and make this quick. No, no.
And Vinnie Jones was pushing you into the bear that was eating chicken sausages!
To be honest, I've met Vinnie and I'd rather fancy my chances with the bear.
Vinnie really gets into character, so he's like, "Get in there!"
Then you go in and there's a bear in your face and the bear's kind of like this.
He's only going like that cos he's reaching up for the chicken sausages which are above him.
Then when the bear doesn't want the sausages any more... They made it themselves and it's on the end...
Stop laughing. It's on the end of a broomstick like a bottle of Coke.
They're just pouring it on the bear.
This is important. Was it Diet Coke?
No, full Coke.
That drives bears nuts!
I love the way Jamelia says Vinnie was getting into character.
What, the character of a slightly thick Cockney?
I'd like to paint that scene, you being pushed towards the bear by Vinnie Jones
and the bear's eating sausage sandwiches.
And you're never gonna see it cos the film's shit.
And another thing, a bison... I mean, I'm not into geography or animal business, but...
What? Is it "animalogy"? What's it called? What's the...?
Zoology. That's what I meant. No, from now on, it's "animalogy".
I meant zoology. I did know what it meant.
What would a bison be doing...? Aren't they from Africa?
No, America. North America.
Anyway, let's pretend...
Let's pretend that they only live in Africa.
That's geography, not "place-ology".
Noel, you've come tonight looking like a Bjork roadie.
"Where would you like the herring?"
I feel like a Swedish film director.
SWEDISH ACCENT: I will have the camera here.
And maybe here.
Put the sausage waistcoat on her and push her towards the bear.
I've still got two weeks left to film. Ah!
I've seen you singing on TV and I had no idea you were this insane.
Can I just cuddle you?
Let me just...
You're my new favourite person. I'm gonna swap you for my kids. Go on.
I think you know it. I don't even know who she is. You're absolutely... I know who she is.
I love your stories, but they're not getting us any nearer to the point.
I think go with the horse. With the horse? Yeah.
You think Paula Abdul broke her nose by cycling into a horse?
Should've done. You're wrong. The answer is "A".
The singer broke her nose and fractured a toe when she tripped over her pet chihuahua Tulip.
You have to feel for a woman who trips over her own chihuahua, but I've got some advice.
Get it waxed, love.
If you don't know who Paula Abdul is, it's simple.
You know the one on American Idol with the weird-shaped breasts? She sits next to him.
Phill, Little Boots and Harry, have a look at this.
# So tear me open... #
Needy, overblown and emotionally unstable,
it's no wonder they're known as the Winkleman of metal. It's Metallica.
# And the pain still hates me... #
That was Metallica with Until It Sleeps.
But what hospitalised singer James Hetfield during a Montreal gig in 1992?
Was it, A, a fan,
B, a flan,
or C, a firework?
If it's a fan, are we talking about..."Mr Darcy"? Or are we talking about..."I love Metallica!"
That one. A bloke? Yeah. A fan? Yeah.
A proper fan. I've been injured by a fan. Yeah?
Spinal Tap on stage in Chicago.
This is the night we decided to stop playing the song Give Me Some Money
because people kept hurling coins at us from the audience
and a 50-cent piece, a big coin in America, came right in my eye.
50 Cent in your eye? 50 Cent in my eye.
I hate to tell you where Jay-Z was! Yeah. Whoo!
A friend gave me a baby once. What? Hold on, wait. Jamelia has something.
A friend gave me a baby once. What do you mean?
We were driving out from a show. The window was open. Don't ask me why. It was really silly.
Then I was like, "Stop, stop the car! I've got a baby!"
Someone had put a baby through the window and we carried on driving.
Well, he wanted you to sign it!
Not a baby cat? A cute little, tiny baby boy.
It was a boy. Did you keep it? No, I had to give it back.
You should've kept it. I wouldn't have got away with it cos he was a little white baby and I'm black.
There'd have been questions.
Just to clear that up for everyone!
So can we just have a look at this little clutch of people?
They kind of look a bit like this, the guys who follow me.
Really? This is like the Little Boots fan club? Yeah, exactly.
Maybe not the goat.
And then next here...
Oh! Yeah, this is what I look like after I listen to Metallica.
This is a Marmite advert.
Why is no-one stating the obvious? It doesn't look like Bovril or Marmite. It looks likes shit. It really does.
Madam, you have bested us.
Shall I call you Little Boots or Victoria?
You can call me whatever you like. You have to choose. Shall I call you something else? Call me Victoria.
Victoria, do you like Metallica? It's a Sunday, you throw a bit of Metallica on?
I'm not a huge fan. I did see them once at a garage band gig in Texas.
I couldn't see because I'm too small, so I climbed a tree to watch them.
Did you climb a tree? I climbed a tree to watch Metallica. How small are you? Pretty small.
Compared to a Corbett?
I am so small, I have to have a booster cushion. Aw!
I was really embarrassed. I felt like I was seven years old at the hairdresser's. Aw!
You're sitting on a cushion too, aren't you? I'm... That's just you.
Fan, flan... Or firework.
It's Metallica. Yeah. It's heavy metal, it's fireworks, it's stuff exploding. Fireworks?
Fan, too obvious, flan, too silly. I think fireworks.
We're going for fireworks, Winkleman. You're right. The answer is "C", a firework.
He accidentally stepped into the path of a pyrotechnic flame
that shot 20 foot into the air, giving him third-degree burns.
The crowd were shocked. "Ooh! Ah!"
Much of the 3,000-degree heat was deflected by his guitar.
He says he'll never forget that guitar and now it holds a special place in his heart...
stomach, chest, neck and limbs.
After that round, Noel, you've got zero, but Phill, you've got one.
Next up, it's the Intros Round.
Here are yours, Noel and Jamelia, for Tom.
Good luck. Is this gonna be worse than your movie?
Not quite, no. OK, um...
It looks like match.com has failed again!
One, two, three, four.
Is there a moth taking off at the beginning of the song?
You've got a sort of camp ghost vibe going on.
OK, OK.
# Baby, it ain't over till it's over... #
Oh! Yeah? This is how it should have sounded.
That was it.
Us skiing.
OK, we're gonna give you the first bit separately because it's just nonsense.
OK. The first bit's so weird and abstract, it's made me angry.
The first bit goes like this.
Don't do that bit.
Imagine that compressed into a cube of madness. OK.
And then it goes...
Sort of rape alarm, is it?
It's so hot in this jumper.
I'm having a stroke.
I knitted this out of that bear you killed.
Is it something from Cats?
It's not gonna get any better than that.
I'm sorry. I don't think I know what that is.
I'm just completely transfixed by the pair of them. They could do that all night. Yeah.
Was it Elgar's Cello Concerto? No, Rio by Duran Duran. This is how it should have sounded.
So we heard Rio by Duran Duran.
Duran Duran helped millions of girls through their teenage years.
They're now helping those same people through the menopause.
We also heard Lenny Kravitz with It Ain't Over Till It's Over.
Lenny Kravitz has revealed he never wears underwear.
He likes the feel of his balls against his leather trousers and he's STICKING to that.
Phill and Little Boots, here are your intros for Harry.
I only have to get one. All right, Burns, don't rub it in!
Do you do Smithers as well? Yes. Do you have to talk to yourself?
"Yes, he does." "Yes, he does."
Brilliant.
Do we get a point for that, so we can stop this?
I'm gonna have to give it a minute now.
And we're done.
One, two, three, four.
You're very good. Thank you. You're very good. You get the job.
I should know that.
I feel terrible about not knowing it.
I'm letting you down, I'm letting the team down...
But I'm going to say it in a Simpsons voice, so I get a point anyway!
Claudia, you look like a sex panda. What does that mean? A lot of black eye make-up and I'm liking it.
I think we know this. Go ahead. Is it Children Of The Revolution? Here's how it should have sounded.
Yeah, I know it.
Here we go.
I love what you're doing.
Drums. I know. Sort of gentle drums.
I don't want to overpower the main riff. That's very considerate. Most drummers wouldn't feel that way.
That's why they die so frequently. I'm...
The first part sounded like the call of the African bison.
This just in... Here's another song I don't know the name of.
I'm turning to my left. Why don't you just give him one that he knows?
SINGS "SIMPSONS" THEME MUSIC
Yeah, do you know that one?
Don't pity me.
Tom knows it. Come on, Tom. It's Money For Nothing, Dire Straits.
Let's hear how it should have sounded.
So we heard Dire Straits with Money For Nothing. We also heard Children Of The Revolution by T-Rex.
T-Rex's Marc Bolan was a glam rock pioneer and died for the right for men to wear mascara.
Without him, Noel Fielding would now be an accounts manager for a plumbing supplier in Hull.
Round 3 is the Identity Parade.
Noel, Jamelia and Tom, how about some UK garage rap? For the audience only, here is Pay As U Go Cartel.
# Are you ready for the dance tonight?
# I drink champagne, I live the good life
# You're lookin' crisp, pay as you go and I mean like this Pay as you go, yo! #
That was Pay As U Go Cartel with their 2002 single Champagne Dance,
but which one of our line-up is rapper Maxwell D?
Is it No.1, Champagne Dance,
No.2, Lager Top...
..No.3, Whisky Sour,
No.4, Fruit Punch...
..or No.5, Half A Shandy?
Noel's team, it really is over to you.
I assume Pay As U Go Cartel are now called Fixed Monthly Contract Cartel.
I'm gonna sit out of this one. Why? Cos I know exactly who he is.
Oh! Are you friends with the singer? Not at all. He tried to sell a story on me.
No.3 reacted to that. Jamelia knows who it is.
I find it quite funny cos I'm here and he's in the line-up.
This is suddenly Trisha, isn't it?
I'm not really sure how... I've not been on The Buzzcocks for long,
but I'm imagining that's a pretty big faux pas right there.
Wow! If you bring out my old PE teacher in this line-up, if this is the way this quiz is going now...
What kind of story was it?
You don't want to know. Anyone?
It's horrible.
I just... It's not horrible. People selling stories on you?
If that's how people need to make their money because things aren't going well for them...
If they needed a holiday or something, I don't know.
Someone sold a story on me. They said I was addicted to Monster Munch.
No offence to whoever the real Maxwell D is, but we should get him out of here,
so if you want to choose a number between one and five...
Who looks the most upset? Tom, it's down to you.
I think I know now. What's...? Oh, please!
I'm beginning to scratch myself. Choose a number.
Oi, Winklepicker, it's No.3!
Let's find out. Would the real Maxwell D please step forward?
With a new solo single out in January, good luck with that, Maxwell D, ladies and gentlemen!
I envy you. Revenge rarely gets served up like that.
Phill, Little Boots and Harry, what about some epic '60s balladry?
For the audience only, here is Procol Harum.
# And so it was that later
# As the miller told his tale
# That her face at first just ghostly
# Turned a whiter shade of pale... #
That was Procol Harum with their 1967 chart-topping hit Whiter Shade Of Pale,
but which of our line-up is drummer Bobby Harrison?
Is it No.1, Whiter Shade Of Pale,
No.2, Seven Shades Of Shit...
No.3, Winkleman Shade Of Orange...
..No.4, Second Coat Of Varnish,
or No.5, Does Exactly What It Says On The Tin?
Phill, Victoria, Harry?
No-one's had the same situation?
Phill? No, but I would like to tell you that once I did actually drink out the head of No.3.
I've got my eye on No.1. I'm gonna be honest with you. Yeah.
For these purposes? What?
No.1 might get lucky.
I think No.3 is the most smiley. Were they a happy band?
No band is happy. I love No.3.
Daddy?
I reckon he lives in Kent.
And I reckon he's gonna go back to his pub, The Foaming Flagon Of Ale,
"I'm just back from Buzzcocks where I spent an enjoyable evening in the line-up."
I think it's No.1 myself, but it is a democracy here,
as No.2 will bear out.
Democracy of the proletariat. Absolutely.
Why do you think 1? Because he looks like a drummer.
And so does 5.
It's 1 or 5. No.3. 3?
3. I think it's 5 now. OK, 3.
Let's find out. Would the real Bobby Harrison please step forward?
Now playing in a new band, Journey To Freedom, and promoting his autobiography, Bobby Harrison!
We're gonna end with Next Lines.
Noel, you are in the lead, so you go first.
Yeah! Your time starts now.
"Everybody's going surfing...
"Surfin' USA." Good. Beach Boys. "I get knocked down, but I get up again..."
# I drink a lager drink, I drink a whisky drink... #
But the song, Jamelia, the song!
# You ain't ever gonna... You ain't ever gonna...
# You ain't ever gonna bring me down... #
"Keep me down." Chumbawamba, Tubthumping. "Golden brown...
"Texture like sun." Correct. The Stranglers, Golden Brown.
"Because this time round I'd be causing a hazard..."
That's the start of a song? Oh, God, that's me!
Oh, no! Don't worry because you're now a professional panellist. That was your old thing.
How does it go? The answer's not in there.
"This time round I'd be causing a hazard. Like if I threw a house party up in Buckingham Palace."
Correct. Jamelia, Dirty Dirty. "All I do each night is pray...
"That we can get back and make loads of money, get middle-aged women to scream at us..." Take That?
I like Take That. So do I. I love them.
Technically, it's... # Oh, yeah! #
"All I do each night is pray... Hoping that I'll be a part of you again someday." I hate knowing that.
Take That and Pray. Genius!
OK. # Oh, Mandy... #
# You came and you gave without taking... # Barry Manilow, Mandy, yes. Exactly how he sings it!
Ten. Well done. Yeah! And we've got what?
One. You're gonna be fine.
That's a lot of Simpsons voices. Don't lose heart. "Ebony and ivory...
"Living together in perfect harmony." Stevie Wonder, Paul McCartney. "You can bump and grind."
Thank you. Oh...
I can't remember. "If it's good for your mind." T-Rex, Children Of The Revolution.
"See my vest, see my vest...
"See my vest, see my vest..." Ohh!
This is how often I watch the show!
# See my vest, see my vest #
Come on, fans! "See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest." Mr Burns, See My Vest.
"Stonehenge, 'tis a magic place...
"Stonehenge, 'tis a magic place, where the moon doth rise in a..."
I get enough for that, right? "The moon doth rise"?
"With a dragon's face." Spinal Tap. "Big bottom, big bottom...
"Talk about bum cakes, my gal's got 'em." Spinal Tap. "Wayne's World, Wayne's World, it's party time...
"Excellent." Yeah. In Mr Burns' voice?
Excellent!
That's a dream... I'm not a one-trick pony! "No more poison killing my emotion...
"I will not be frozen, dancing is my remedy." Little Boots, Remedy. "Crocodile shoes...
"Crocodile shoes." Yeah. Would've accepted "LITTLE crocodile shoes". "Can you feel the love tonight...?
"David, I've left a pie in the oven!" "It's where we are." Elton John, Can You Feel The Love Tonight?
You got seven.
Noel, you got ten. You won. Hooray!
The champions!
The champions. Lovely.
Thanks to Phill, Harry and Little Boots, Noel, Jamelia and Tom.
This has been Never Mind The Buzzcocks with Claudia Winkleman.
Tune in next week when your host will be Mark Watson. Good night!