Non Sequitur

It's a faux pas to spill hors d'oeuvres on your haute couture.
Or as I like to say, It's a fawks pass to spill horse doovers on your hot cooter.
A mile in San Francisco: No problem, let's walk it! A mile in the South Bay:
Jesus Christ why is everything so far away?!
I have narcolepsy. I'd tell you the details but it'd probably put you to sleep.
[audience groans]
Har har.
Caffeine treats narcolepsy but creates anxiety. Alcohol eases anxiety but worsens narcolepsy.

Obvious solution: Four Loko.
Somebody texted me, "Are you serious?" But they shortened "serious" to "SRS".
So they really asked, "Are you SRS?"
Pretty sure I'm not a surgical procedure.
I'm almost certain that I'm not the act of installing a vagina.
Could be wrong though, I've been called a pussy many times.
To which I reply, "Thank you!"
I've heard it called "GRS", which stands for "genital reassignment surgery",
but that makes it sound like my junk works in an office building.
And is changing departments.
"Whoops! Looks like my cock just got laid off. No longer working for the man!"

I'm glad you got the full extent of that joke instead of just half of it.
Feminists against C++, it objectifies everything!
...People GOT that?
I was expecting silence.
Because that was a feminist programming joke.
I can't write jokes for a smaller niche without first overcoming the strong nuclear force.

Case in point. You got that too, thank you!
That's wonderful. I was planning for silence but you ruined it. That's ok.
People tell me that bigoted bible bashers aren't "real" Christians. They're not real?
What are they, ghosts?
Did I get my ass kicked in high school by a poltergeist?
Somebody call Scooby Doo, the Earth is being haunted
by spooky ghost Christians!
Then atheists make fun of Christians by saying things like,
"I believe in the Kool-Aid man, you believe in god. It's the same thing."
Now, I'm an atheist myself, but I disagree with that.
They're not the same.
The Kool-Aid church is obviously better.
Christians say "amen". Drinkers of the One True Aid shout, "OHHHH YEAHHH!"
No, potential date, I am not drama free.
I was in a production of The Music Man.
I've done lights, sound, props, bit parts, singing parts, and solos.
Basically, if we ever break up it'll be a Broadway hit.
Next time somebody says, "Hey sup brah?"
I'll be like, "How's it goin' panties?"
Brah? Did you just call me an article of feminine attire?
What do you call your little brother? "Sup trainin' brah!"
The hand gestures are very important.
When I was five, I dreamed I met Littlefoot, from the Land Before Time, in person!

He was an asshole.
Fame does that to a person.
I went to my high school reunion just so I could say, "Dear everybody who wrote
'don't ever change' in my yearbook: TAKE THAT, SUCKERS!"
I'm just kidding. I didn't go to my high school reunion.
If I want to surround myself with successful people that make me feel insecure,
I'll just apply for a job.
Sometimes people ask me, "'Genderfluid'? What does that mean?"
A lot of people think it's an identity where one's gender is in constant flux.
Those people are wrong.
Gender fluid is what I put in my Super Soaker before I transgender the neighborhood!
"Hee hee, I got you!"
"Don't worry honey, it's just stubble. You'll be fine."
One time I got a sore throat that was so bad I sounded like
zombie Harvey Fierstein.
"I'll swallow your soul, honey,
it'll be fabulous!"
If I could add "a cheap San Francisco apartment with great roommates"
to my Amazon wishlist, I would.
If I could add "the ability to remember when I have things on the stove"
to my Amazon wishlist, I would.
If I could add "a pussy" to my Amazon wishlist, I would.
If I could add YOU to my Amazon wishlist I would! Aww!
Except if you think about, I just implied I wish somebody else could
purchase you
and then ship you to my house via UPS
so that I could then own you. Kinda creepy.
But isn't that the emotional trajectory of every romantic comedy, ever?
"He's chasing her around like a stalker and doesn't listen to her when she
says 'no' because he's in love with her!
Aww that's sweet... no wait, that's fucked up!
Why the hell did I like this? Eww, rape culture get it off me."
If I could add "the ability to spontaneously generate pizza"
to my Amazon wishlist, I would.
That's right,
I'd break the Law of Conservation and potentially threaten the stability of
the universe...
for pizza.
I would then worry about being annihilated by anti-pizza for
the rest of my life.
Now I want an anti-pizza warp drive.
"Anti-pizza! The only thing it annihilates is your hunger!"
Except nobody ever buys things for me from my Amazon wishlist. If I could add
"people who would totally buy me stuff from my Amazon wishlist" to my Amazon wishlist,
I would. Thank you.