Santa Was Good to Me


Uploaded by andreweisen on 30.12.2011

Transcript:
I'm sick.
I'm also a bit under the weather.
Can't breathe.
Can't sleep.
So,
thought I'd
crawl out of bed and
make a video.
It's um...
1:58 AM
I hope you all had a merry Christmas, I certainly did
and Santa was very good to me.
So I thought "what the heck" I'll share with you all I got for Christmas.
Actually, this is one of the things I got for Christmas
a new water bottle. Easy to clean and comes with a little
secret compartment for...
putting your
car key in or money or something.
In case you don't trust the gym lockers.
Let's see.
Serving tongs.
Been going years without these.
Just, uh...
You know, toughing it out. Grabbing food with my bare hands.
These are nice to have.
Gold Bond Body Powder.
Never know when that's gonna come in handy.
Quick Quack Whistle
It's a...
I'm not sure if that's a duck
distress call
mating call
A duck fart? I have no idea.
But, uh...
if the people I work with the are ever annoying me
I know exactly how to get back at them.
tic tacs. Arctic Rush.
"Less than 2 calories per mint" So... one?
1.9
Just like how the Wii was going to be under $250.
Nintendo for months was touting it'll be competitively priced: under $250.
Yeah, $249.99
Not that I'm bitter.
Chap Stick.
Toothbrush.
Flarp! Noise Putty.
Looks like a tub of Nickelodeon Gak or something.
I could just do this for another 15 minutes.
Lovely.
Santa knows me too well.
Scope. Mouth wash.
Silly String.
Krazy String, with a 'K'
If you've seen
Tom Hanks in "Big"
I think that movie popularized this or at least brought it back.
It's that
colored foam crap that you
shoots out of an aerosol can
and it's a little bit harder to clean up than it's supposed to be but it is still pretty fun.
Especially shooting it at, you know, pets.
This is just a little "lighty up" ball which doesn't "lighty up."
And didn't "lighty up" on Christmas morning.
I guess it's broken. Oh well.
Lottery tickets.
These are a gag.
They look pretty... they look like your regular little scratcher cards
and each one is like a $5K or $10,000 winner.
So what you're supposed to do is take it out of the package and put it in a
Christmas stocking or someone's birthday card
or if you're really an asshole
a wedding "congratulations" card or something
A lottery ticket would be tacky enough in the first place this is just going above and beyond.
Gum.
Which I don't chew but that's okay. Kleenex.
Another thing of Kleenex.
Kleenex.
Oh look, more Kleenex. I've got allergies so that's cool.
Soap.
Speaking of soap.
Purell
Hand Sanitizer.
And it has a little rat tail or possum tail or something.
I guess it's supposed to plug in here and you put it on your belt and
whenever some snotty kid's fudge-covered fingers gets all over you.
Got another one too.
Germ Blaster Blastin' Blueberry Hand Sanitizer.
Funny story
if I may go on a tangent and it's my video so I guess I can do whatever the hell I want.
I'm sure you guys stopped listening about...
six and a half minutes ago.
Years ago
I have the little soap plunger thing next to my sink.
I'm losing feeling in my leg.
and um...
ran out 'cause I wash my hands after I go to the bathroom and you should too.
So I went to the store and bought another one.
Sometime later I had a girl over.
and um...
I was in the kitchen or something
she calls me from the bathroom, she says, "Andrew?" I said, "Yeah?"
"Where's the soap?"
I said, "It's uh,
on the counter right next to the sink."
She says, "Where?"
"Right in front of you."
"I don't see it."
So I walk into the bathroom and point, "Right there!"
She says, "That's not soap."
I said, "Yeah it is." She said, "No, it's not."
I said, "Yeah, it's soap." She says, "It's hand sanitizer." I said, "Yeah, soap...
for sanitizing your hands."
She said, "No jackass. Read the bottle." So I'm like, "Alright..."
"Ah."
There is a difference between hand sanitizer and soap and now I know!
and knowing's half the battle.
It's just a shame you have to learn these life lessons by making yourself look like a
jackass in front of a really pretty girl but
them's the breaks.
Toothpaste.
What I find funny, this is 2.8 ounces so it's got the little, uh...
and...
that yellow bit right there is a picture of an airplane and it says "Travel Size"
because anything over 3 oz. TSA will chuck because you might
blow up the plane with it.
Thanks terrorists.
Speaking of TSA...
I have these bag clips for...
clipping bags.
It wasn't like that when I left Kentucky.
Now, to be fair, maybe it was TSA, maybe it was...
some baggage handler stepping on my bag or
maybe it's just because I suck at packing. Although, I am a Boy Scout. I know how to pack.
Oh well.
Speaking of TSA...
You know those, um...
backscatter
scanner doohickies
that look at you naked,
and make sure you're not carrying any concealed weapons,
or bombs, or something? Yeah.
It's either that or get a very thorough pat down
so I said, "Well, I guess you get to see me naked." So I get in that sucker,
get scanned, step out and he says, "Sir, we're going to have to pat down your right side.
Really?
What's the point
of looking at us naked
if you still have to pat us down?
How many hundreds of thousands of dollars did you spend on these damn things?
Arrgh, I say. Arrgh.
Thor.
One hundred peace puzzle.
Minutes of fun!
It's a hundred piece puzzle it's about a square foot.
Mom and I put this together in like 12 minutes.
I think we really bonded.
I think that's about it for the um...
Santa stuff... Oh!
This was over there because I was playing with it earlier.
Little car with a...
balloon on top.
That was a bad idea.
Being sick sucks.
You get the idea. It's just a little toy.
You probably don't know what this is. That's because...
my mom's neighbor Patsy made this for us.
My sister got a set, my mom got one and I got one.
These are, um...
made for taking hot stuff out of the microwave with.
I don't do a lot of microwave stuff but
I do some so...
It's just really cute.
and they're handmade so that's pretty cool.
Thanks Patsy!
Oh! Um... this isn't a Christmas present, it's just something I took from my mom's.
Pardon. That was disgusting.
This is an exercise book and um...
it's called...
"Staying Hard"
That is the best name for an exercise book I've ever heard. "Staying Hard"
Let's see...
Oh, 1980 so the year I was born. Yep.
Interesting to see that the entire contents of "Staying Hard" has now been reduced to a
little blue pill.
That joke would be a lot funnier if I had actually scripted this particular video
but I just rolled out of bed so...
Pitch pipe. Now this is not - the rest of these are
gifts that were under the tree. Uh, pitch pipe - I sing barbershop. Bass.
Not because I'm good at it, mind you, but because I can't sing high enough
to get to the other parts.
With one of these, I will make sure that
anytime, anyone, anywhere tries to get a group to sing "Happy Birthday" to someone that
we all start in the appropriate key.
And if we don't all stay in the same key, I'm going to stop everyone and make
them restart because there's nothing that kills me more
than "Happy Birthday" sung in a million different keys.
Should be a crime.
I should go to bed.
"Iron Man 2"
I've seen it.
Didn't get to see it in the theater.
This is the DVD of "Iron Man 2" if that wasn't clear. I held it up pretty quick.
It's kind of featureless. That's a shame.
I think there was a uh...
Might have been a Walmart exclusive or a limited run. I think there was a bigger
edition out at one point. Might be out of print.
That's alright. There's a Jon Favreau commentary. He's interesting to listen to.
I wanted to see "Iron Man 2" before I saw "Thor."
Because I knew there was a stinger after the credits where, uh...
that sets up the Thor movie and, cause I'm
just that big of a geek I want to make sure I watch all the Marvel movies in order
'cause they're singular universe and build on each other.
Pardon me.
So, I thought, "You know, I don't have Netflix and I have the Wii and the Wii does
Netflix so I'll get Netflix and I'll see if I can stream the movie."
'cause it's free for the first month.
So I got it.
No "Iron Man 2."
I ended up getting it from one of those Blockbuster rental kiosks at the grocery store.
and uh...
then saw "Thor" the next week and really enjoyed it.
This video is boring.
"Kirby's Return to Dream Land"
Stupid glare. Yeah, there we go! Right, yeah, right there!
Now you can tell what I'm holding. Let me see, there we go. "Kirby's Return to Dream Land"
Isn't he cute? Except he's frowning.
Which he seems to do in all the American box arts.
If you look at the American box art for Kirby, he always has this
serious face.
On the Japanese box arts he's always happy!
I don't know if um...
NOA. Well, whoever designs the packaging for...
I guess it would be Nintendo.
They just think that
Kirby needs a little "edge" here in America.
He's a pink puffball.
Anyway, I haven't played this yet but...
This game's a return to form for Kirby, I believe. The last few games
had been a little different.
Nintendo seems to like to use this franchise to try out new gaming concepts.
Kirby started out, you know, he sucks... his big gimmick is he sucks in enemies
and uh... or inhales enemies and gains their power.
So if he inhales an enemy with a sword, he gets a sword. If he inhales a flying
enemy he gets wings and flies.
You know, that kind of thing.
And the last couple games he hasn't had that ability. The last game, "Kirby's Epic Yarn,"
which I thought was a lot of... It was very cute, it was a lot of fun.
It doesn't have, well he's a loop of yarn so, you know, he can't inhale anything.
And then the recent DS game... Kirby...
something.
I don't remember.
But you have like 10 Kirbys on the screen at the same time and it's like
"Mario: March of the Minis" or something like that. Basically you control a bunch of
characters at the same time and have to get them all through a level.
But uh... this game brings back the "inhaling enemies and absorbing their
powers" so this is the first Kirby game in a while that will definitely "suck."
Okay, hang on a sec. Big present.
Electric griddle.
I've been using... I inherited my griddle from my mom
a decade-plus ago.
Maybe longer, I don't know it's been quite a while!
So...
That's going to be nice to have
for when I make my whole wheat pancakes.
Let's see, what do I have left?
Almost done.
Saving the best for last.
This, which you can barely see...
is um... a uh...
3-book "Gahan Wilson's 50 Years of Playboy Cartoons"
If you can see that a little bit.
That's the kind of art style and joking that Gahan Wilson does.
I'm a big fan of his, in fact if you've seen... Oh, the color just changed. That's better.
If you've seen my Zelda video, the book I'm reading in the middle of it is actually a
collection of Gahan Wilson cartoons.
I've always been a big fan and
I've had "more Gahan Wilson stuff" on my Christmas list for quite a while and I didn't
even know this existed. It wasn't on Amazon the last time I looked
which was months and months ago so this might be brand new.
But my sister got this for me and this is
just my absolute favorite present of this year. So...
thanks, Kelly.
uh... God, I had something else to say and I don't remember what it was.
I'm... This is really awesome so
Thanks much and...
Shit.