Hitchhiking from Tijuana to the North Pole: Thumbs Up Season 2 (Part 3/4)


Uploaded by vice on Aug 3, 2012

Transcript:
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID: Day six, America.
We are dangerously close to the Canadian border.
I don't know, fucking almost a week into the trip.
Tensions are running high.
I got a lot of unresolved issues with Harry.
I'm pretty fucking tired, arguing, whatever.
I don't know.
We're in Eugene, Oregon.
And we walked into a restaurant.
And I'm not pointing fingers or anything.
But it was, like, a crab house.
And we really wanted crab.
This fucking asshole's a vegetarian now because he saw
Meet Your Meat.
So he doesn't eat, you know, whatever.
And the whole restaurant had maybe three
people eating at it.
And they said, sorry, no seats available.
So I'm not saying they're racist.
But what the fuck?
I mean, how do you say that to someone when there's a whole
empty restaurant?
We got a really bad vibe, so we left.
People don't realize this.
But you know, sometimes when you go north,
shit gets pretty crazy.
People always equate shit with the south,
like Texas and shit.
But you know, the north is pretty bad, too.
Anyways, thumbs up, America.
Fucking Harry, I can't even talk to this guy right now.
I'll see you soon.
I'll catch up.
You be good, America.
I love you.

I want to be gang-raped by a big, mean drunk.
Fuck my throat hard deep like a cunt with a fat, nigger
horse cock.
Wow.

We had no luck on this train.
There was no open boxcars.
But beggars can't be choosers.
We hopped on the Santa Fe line.
Notorious says one of the biggest
ball-busting train lines.
They like to arrest hobos, and throw them off, and
throw them in jail.
Here we go.

Slow build.
Sometimes you got to work it up.

I got to fact-check my shit.
But all these lines, all these railroads, they weren't
getting done on time.
Like, they weren't making the kind of progress
that they'd like to.
So someone was like, hey, why don't we
hire a bunch of chinks?
They made that, what do you call it?
That Great Wall of China.
They could probably work hard.
And using Chinese methods, I guess they did all kinds of
dangerous shit, like upside down off mountains and
blasting with dynamite and shit.
But they made all these train lines.
And now we're riding them, riding the rails.
We're riding this this fucking giant metal dragon.
Climb to the top.
See it slither this way and that.
[DRUMMING SOUNDS]

[DRUM MUSIC PLAYING]

DAVID: So we just jumped off this train.
I don't know if we're in fucking
Washington, Oregon, Canada.
All I know is there's a bunch of these little fuckers
getting down, fucking, on cowbells and drums trying to
make me look bad.
But whatever, it's rad.
The beat is strong in their hearts.
The force is strong.
[DRUMS PLAYING]

DAVID: Thumbs up, America.
Day seven.

We're really close to our next country.
We're in Seattle.
I thought it would smell like Teen Spirit.
But it smells more like fucking Starbucks.
I guess because we're standing next to the Starbucks
headquarters right there.
The Canadian border is just ahead of us.
And we got fireworks, drugs, ninja stars, swords, guns, all
kinds of orange plastic dildos.
I don't know how we're going to get through.
We'll find out.

$0.75, $0.85, $0.95--
fucking $0.99 in US change, priceless souvenirs.

Oh my God, dude.
Oh my God, dude.
That one got fucking grinded into the track.
Oh, shit.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: Fucking awesome.

HARRY: Hot as hell.
DAVID: Let's try to fucking buy a taco
with that, soft shell.

What's up, America?
We're by the train tracks with our friend, Luis Flores.
Luis wants to tell us a story about his Salvadorian fellow
and his encounter with the trains.
What happened?
LUIS: This guy, he told me if I want to go to Canada with
him, I would have to jump on the train.
But I tell him no.
And then he got a couple more guys.
And they got drunk.
And then they came to wait for the train.
It slow down.
And they did try to jump in the train.
And then this guy fell.
And then his leg got between the railroad and chop it off.
DAVID: It cut his leg off?
LUIS: Yeah, right from the knee.
DAVID: Don't fucking drink and hop trains.
LUIS: If you cross the line, you just got to immigration
and tell them, hey, I got nothing to eat.
And they help you with apartment.
And then they--
DAVID: Let's go.
LUIS: Wait.
DAVID: Luis!
LUIS: Let me fixing [INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: The train's right here, man.
Let's go.
LUIS: No, that train is too dangerous, man.
DAVID: No, man.
Let's drink and let's go.
LUIS: Oh, no.
DAVID: Come on, man.
Our train's calling.
Let's go.
[TRAIN WHISTLE]
LUIS: I need to fix my car.
DAVID: [SPANISH].
Let's go.
LUIS: [SPEAKING SPANISH]
DAVID: [SPANISH].
Let's go.
[LAUGHS].

Hey, kids.
Just because you see me and Harry riding the hotshots
doesn't mean you should ride them, too.
Each one of those crates has about $100,000 to half a
million dollars worth of merchandise in there.
And grainers and boxcars is one story.
They go about 40 miles an hour.
The hotshots go up to 70 to 80 miles an hour.
And those are the ones that the train cops and the cops
will really, really fuck with you and actually throw you in
jail if you get caught riding those.
They have all the merchandise.
So just because you see us do it doesn't mean you
should do it.l it.
We're fucking professionals, you're not.
Thumbs up, America.

[MUSIC--"STAR SPANGLED BANNER]
DAVID: Right now I'm standing in front of the fucking
Canadian flag and the beautiful American flag.
We are right on the border.
And because of some indiscretions when I was a
fucking kid, this is exactly what the guy told me last time
I was going into Canada.
I said, dude.
And he embarrassed me in front of all the
people I worked with.
I said, hey, man.
He said, Mr. Choe, we're waiting for you at customs.
And I said, oh, customs?
What's going on there?
He said, nothing happen to you, like, 15 years ago?
And was like, 15 years ago I was a fucking kid.
And I go, yeah, I got caught doing some shit.
And then some graffiti, some shoplifting,
just normal kid shit.
And I told them, look, when I turn into an adult, you know,
that stuff gets erased.
Maybe in America, but not in Canada.
So Canada has a long memory.
They didn't forget about my shit.
So here I am trying to have fun, trying to do a fun and
excellent adventure with my buddy, Harry.
And you know, here we are in the same situation.
America gets attacked by terrorists a few years ago.
And all a sudden, Canada becomes so fucking secure.
Like, who gives a shit?
You think anyone cares about you enough to
fucking attack you?
No one gives the fuck about you.
What the fuck have you contributed to society?
The only thing you're passionate about is hockey.
That's it.
And no one gives a fuck about hockey.
See the flag right here?
There, you get one of these.
See this one right here?
You get one of those.
Stupid motherfuckers!
All you have are cheese curds.
No one gives a fuck about cheese curds!
No one gives a fuck about hockey!
Fuck!
So anyways, if you can't tell, I'm extremely upset right now.

HARRY: Because Canada is in the way of Alaska.
DAVID: Me and Harry just tried to walk across the border in
the forested area.
And flood lights flashed on, border patrol showed up.
What the fuck?
I mean, it was easier getting out of Mexico.
And Mexico was almost impossible.
And they confiscated our tapes.
You'll never get to see the high-speed Canadian chase.
And here we are in fucking US mini mart with
our dick in our hands.
So I know this is supposed to be "Thumbs Up, Alaska." And I
promised you guys we'd have an amazing Alaskan adventure, I'd
find crazy shit in Alaska.
But this looks like it's the end of our trip.
I mean, what else is there?
[SINGING]
Oh, fuck Canada.
Fuck Canada.
You're just jealous and insecure, 'cause you wish you
were America.
But you're just red maple leaf, patch-wearing, faggots.
Fuck Canada.
Fuck Canada.
Don't take it personal, Canada.
America's bigger assholes than you guys are.

Day eight.
We've come full--
[GAGGING]
[SPITS].
We've come full circle.
It's Monday.
What a rough night.

I think at this time, I'd like to issue a formal apology to
the wonderful people of Canada.
Yesterday I was turned away from the Canadian border
because of something I did as a youth.
And I got angry.
And I'm a grown man.
I should take full responsibility for my actions.
Canada has a long memory, longer than
the American people.
I'm welcome here.
No judgment, no bitterness, no sarcasm.
I was turned away which really set me off, really upset me.
And I probably said some things last night that I
shouldn't have said.
All you have are cheese curds!
No one gives a fuck about cheese curds!
No one gives a fuck about hockey!
I'm sorry.
I probably came off really ignorant
and hateful and angry.
And that's not me.
I'm not really that kind of person.
I'm moody sometimes.
But I take pills for that kind of stuff.
And it puts a major roadblock in our trip.
I mean, Alaska's a long way away.
We're down to either hiding in the trunk of someone's car,
which I've had a tough time convincing people to do.

The tanner and darker he gets, the more Osama-ish
he starts to look.
So people become distrustful.
So it's down to sneaking on a boat, ferry, or hopping a
train and risking maybe our legs getting cut off like
Luis's friend yesterday.
So we're down to trains and boats.
You get sea sick?
How are your sea legs?
HARRY: They're fine.
DAVID: All right.

[AIRPLANE SOUNDS]
DAVID: Is that a plane?
HARRY: Yeah.

DAVID: Looks like we've got some competition.

You guys hitching?
How long you guys been out here for?
DAVID: You guys hitching up to Canada?
DAVID: Oh, really?
Hi.
HARRY: Hi, how you doing?
DAVID: How's it going?
Hi, how's it going?
BERNADETTE: [INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: What's going on?

DAVID: Rummi?
DAVID: Lummi?
Oh,
DAVID: You guys Indian?
BERNADETTE: Yes.
DAVID: Which tribe?
BERNADETTE: He's Alaskan.
And I'm Canadian.
DAVID: Wait, you're from Alaska?
BERNADETTE: [LAUGHS].
DAVID: Well, that's where we're trying to
get to right now.
Because of my juvenile record, I'm not
allowed back into Canada.
I don't know how easy it is to sneak in.
We'll help you out.
What about Alaska?
You don't want to go back to Alaska?

DAVID: In Alaska?

DAVID: All right.
Well, what do you think, I mean, is there anything ideal
up in Alaska?
I've never been there before?
BERNADETTE: [LAUGHS].

DAVID: Like what?
What's amazing?

DAVID: Like a Husky?

DAVID: Right.
Doing what?

How much longer you guys going to be out here?

DAVID: North?
If you guys don't get a ride, what's going to happen?
Where have you guys been sleeping?
BERNADETTE: Right there.
DAVID: Right there?
All right, you guys seem like you guys need a
ride more than us.
So we'll let you take the prime hitching spot.
But nice meeting you.
JERRY: Nice meeting you.
DAVID: Good luck, guys.

Well, that was our competition for hitchhiking.
But they look like they're a little down on their luck.
I don't want to fuck with that.
If we get a ride up here, we'll have them pick up.
There's, like, a little airport I saw up here.

We're lost.
We can't find the boat yards.
There's all these helicopters and planes everywhere.
Taildraggers Restaurant & Lounge, some guy said this is
where a bunch of pilots, maverick Goose men, guys like
that hang out here.
You want to get something to drink.
HARRY: Yeah.
Sounds good.
DAVID: All right.

We're here with Grant.
Grant is a cook over here at Taildraggers.
And who eats here mostly?
GRANT: Mostly pilots.
DAVID: Pilots and stuff?
And what kind of breed are pilots?
Like, what kind of people are they, usually?
GRANT: Most of them are actually older guys.
DAVID: They're older guys?
GRANT: Yeah, blackjack pilots, they're formation pilots.
DAVID: Are they mean?
GRANT: Some of them are mean if you're younger.
You're younger?
GRANT: They don't like teenagers and stuff?
DAVID: Well, you're young, you're a teenager.
And by all your bumper stickers, I'm
guessing you're gay?
GRANT: No.
My girlfriend's bisexual.
And her mom's gay.
DAVID: OK.
So how is that going?
GRANT: She's pregnant.
DAVID: But then she still likes girls?
GRANT: Yeah.
DAVID: And you're OK with that?
GRANT: Yeah.
DAVID: You're a disgusting human being.
GRANT: [LAUGHS].
Probably.
DAVID: Wait, so did you know that when you started your
relationship with her?
So you've had, like, tons of threesomes and stuff?
GRANT: No.
DAVID: She never brings home girls?
GRANT: No.
DAVID: Do you guys look at porn together?
GRANT: No.
She looks at it with her dog, though.
DAVID: How old are you?
GRANT: 20.
DAVID: And how old is she?
GRANT: 19.
DAVID: Is she hot?
GRANT: I'm dating her.
DAVID: All right.
Anything else you want to tell us about working as a cook at
a pilot's restaurant?
GRANT: There's lots of gay people that come in here.
I don't know if they're pilots, though.
DAVID: Do you think that's a gay pilot right there?
GRANT: I don't know.
I've never seen him before.
DAVID: And what do you know about Alaska?
GRANT: Not much.
DAVID: Anything.
GRANT: That the capital's Juneau.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: All right.
Thanks for talking to us.
GRANT: Yeah.
DAVID: So what we're finding out Taildraggers is from what
everyone tells us, it's a restaurant for pilots.
But it's also, like, Taildraggers.
I guess it's an analogy for gay sex, or something.
So it's like a gay pilot's restaurant or something.

I don't know.
He's pretty flaming.
He started petting Harry's hat.
We got the most flaming pilot to give us a ride into Alaska.
Fucking skip all of Canada.
Fuck you, Canada--
thumbs down.
Thumbs up, America.
We love you, Alaska.
We'll see you soon.

ANDREW: You guys ready?
DAVID: Yeah.
You thought you were going to stop me, huh, Canada?
You thought you were going to get in my way.
But we're going to skip you altogether.