Goodwin vs. Badwin - Premature Evacuation (Ep #1)

(woman screaming)
[Doctor:] Oh. Hold on, you're doing great, you're doing great,
just, you know, keep on breathin', there.
(screaming again)
[Goodwin:] I think mom's going into labor, Badwin!
[Badwin:] I-impossible! I have a 9-month lease on this womb!
[Goodwin:] Well, maybe we're being evicted prematurely?
[Badwin:] This is unnacceptable. I mean, look what I've done with the place!
We've just had it reappraised!
[Goodwin:] I know - [Badwin:] Look, if she forces us out of here
I'm gonna rip through her so hard [Goodwin:] Now hold on a second -
[Badwin:] that she's gonna have a vaganus - [Goodwin:] Now hold on a second!
You see, Badwin,
there comes a time in every fetus's life
when you have to let go and take on the world head-first!
[Badwin:] Yeah, do the world a favor and strangle yourself with this ubilical cord.
[Goodwin:] But think about all the wonderful things that're out there!
[Badwin:] Oh god. [Goodwin:] Puppies, and cotton candy;
I can't wait to be born!
[Badwin:] Yippee. I've got everything I need right in here.
[Goodwin:] Smoking's bad for your health!
[Badwin:] Yes, yes I know. But what else will satisfy this urge
to put something in my mouth and just suck suck suck-
[Goodwin:] That's just it, there's these things out there!
Round, spherical objects with dots in the middle that spit out milk!
I call them "boobs!"
You can put THOSE in your mouth!
[Badwin:] Ugh. That sounds highly unsanitary.
(woman screaming) [Doctor:] But anyways, I was - hey,
could you please keep it down? I'm trying to tell a story.
[Woman:] They're coming!
[Doctor:] Oh, hold on, let me take a look, here.
Hey, she's fully dilated!
Get me a bucket and a mop!
[Goodwin:] Huh? W-Wait a minute! You feel that?
[Badwin:] What is that, why is everything shaking?
[Goodwin:] It's time!
What are you doing? Don't -
[Badwin:] I'm taking a little sip to calm the nerves!
[Goodwin:] I thought you quit! [Badwin:] I'm a fetal alcoholic, I need it to cope!
[Goodwin:] Come on, this is gonna be fun!
[Badwin:] No it's not!
(Excited arguing)
[Badwin:] Oh, no! No!
[Doctor:] Squirmy little things! Jesus!
Hey, look at that. Wow.
Hoho. Don't feel bad,
ALL babies are ugly.
[Goodwin:] Wow. It's so bright out here!
[Badwin:] I'm so cold.
[Goodwin:] Here, stay close.
We'll keep each other warm! [Badwin:] No, get away from me!
No. Do not touch me.
Hm. What's that over there?
[Goodwin:] Those are the boobs I was talking about!
[Badwin:] Well... I am a little thirsty. [Goodwin:] Yeah.
Me too! Let's get a drink! [Badwin:] Oh yes.
[Badwin:] Let go, that one's mine.
[Goodwin:] Well, there's another one over here that looks just like it!
[Mother:] My sweet little Goodwin and Badwin.
We're going to be such a happy family.
[Doctor:] Now why is there a tiny liquor bottle in your vagina?