Hitchhiking from Tijuana to the North Pole: Thumbs Up Season 2 (Part 2/4)


Uploaded by vice on Aug 3, 2012

Transcript:

[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID: What's up, America?
We're here still in Fresno--
Fresnatch, as some people like to call it.
Been out here for three hours sweating.
I smell like shit.
Can't get a fucking ride.

Hi.
Can I get a ride?

As far as you'll take us.
Oh, who's this?
LORRAINE: Oh, that's the baby, Naseri.
DAVID: Hi, Naseri.
LORRAINE: Get in.

DAVID: Hi, I'm David.
LORRAINE: Hi, I'm Lorraine.
HARRY: Hi.
DAVID: Can I turn it down?
LORRAINE: Sure.
DAVID: Well, how far are you guys headed?
HARRY: Towards Reno to go gambling.
DAVID: You're going to Reno?
LORRAINE: Yeah.
DAVID: I love gambling.
Is it cool if we go all the way to Reno with you guys?
LORRAINE: Sure, if you guys want.
DAVID: Nice.
Can I say something?
LORRAINE: Yeah.
DAVID: I've been hitchhiking for 15 years now.
I've never been picked up by black people.
Never, not once.
And are you full black?
Are you mixed?
LORRAINE: No, I'm mixed.
DAVID: You're mixed?
With what?
LORRAINE: My mother's Mexican and Hindu and my dad is black
and Chinese.
DAVID: You're mom's Mexican and Hindu.
Your dad's black and Chinese.
All right, so maybe this doesn't count as our first
black ride.
So the baby's--
LORRAINE: His dad has Indian in him, too.
DAVID: What a cutie.
Oh, he's going to grow up dancing.
HARRY: Hey.
DAVID: Oh my god, what a cutie, what a cutie.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
MALE SPEAKER: Say, Lord Jesus, I give my life
to you right now.
DAVID: We give our life to you right now.
MALE SPEAKER: Everything to you right now.
DAVID: Everything to you right now.
MALE SPEAKER: Because you are Lord.
DAVID: Because you are Lord.
MALE SPEAKER: We totally repent for every sin.
DAVID: We totally repent for every sin.
MALE SPEAKER: Whatever our sins are.
DAVID: Whatever our sins are.
MALE SPEAKER: In Jesus' name.
DAVID: In Jesus' name.
MALE SPEAKER: Amen.
DAVID: Amen.
MALE SPEAKER: Receive the holy ghost, my brother.
Say I receive the holy spirit.
HARRY: I receive the holy spirit.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you, brother.
Thank you, brother.
MALE SPEAKER: Use him for God.

FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah?
DAVID: Can we interview you?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Sure.
Do you want any background music?
DAVID: Oh, yeah.
Of course.
FEMALE SPEAKER: [HUMMING]
DAVID: This is the man.
FEMALE SPEAKER: This is the man?
We're talking Reno.
DAVID: Oh, shit.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Yeah, Reno.
DAVID: Oh, yeah.
This is [INAUDIBLE].
FEMALE SPEAKER: Reno.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Arizona, I don't know where the hell he came from.
But we're in Reno.
We're looking for money.

I need more than that for a pack of cigarettes.
[LAUGHS]
All right, you guys.
DAVID: Bye.

Hey, where are you going?
What's your name?
BRIAN: Brian.
DAVID: Brian, can you give us a day in the life of Brian?
You wake up--
BRIAN: Wake up.
DAVID: Are you a vampire?
BRIAN: I like vampires.
DAVID: Let me see your teeth.
You're a fucking vampire, dude.
He's a vampire!
Let's see those teeth, bro.
Oh, fuck, dude, Reno vampire.
Do you know other vampires?
BRIAN: No.
I know some black vampires.
DAVID: You know black vampires?
BRIAN: Like hardcore evil.
DAVID: Oh, they're, like, black skin, or black--
BRIAN: Black skin.
DAVID: --or black souls?
BRIAN: Who knows what their souls are?
DAVID: I heard vampires that don't want to kill people just
eat pussy of girls that are on their period.
BRIAN: They don't suck dick?
It's not against the law to suck dick.
DAVID: Are you telling me you're going to
suck my dick for $2?
BRIAN: $100.
DAVID: For $100?
But your teeth are fucking sharp, dude.
[LAUGHTER]
BRIAN: Well, take a chance.
DAVID: Show them your teeth again.
Show them your teeth.
I'm not getting my dick sucked by that.
BRIAN: And I'm out of toothpaste.
DAVID: No offense.
No offense, bro.
Thanks, man.

You guys hitchhiking?
You guys are hitchhiking out of town?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm from Sacramento
trying to get to Portland.
DAVID: Why are you trying to get Portland?
What's in Portland
MALE SPEAKER: Well, my friends from
Sacramento drove up there.
But they have, like, 10 half gallons of liquor for us and a
big-ass box of food.
DAVID: Well, what are you doing?
You came to Reno to party?
RIZZY: I've just been traveling
around meeting people.
And trying to end up where I'm going.
DAVID: Which is where?
RIZZY: Nowhere.
DAVID: And whose car is this?
RIZZY: This is the guy who got arrested today.
DAVID: So this car is--
RIZZY: Probably just junk right now.
DAVID: What happened?
RIZZY: Reno cops are fucked up.
MALE SPEAKER: We walk around.
RIZZY: Basically, I'll sit on the sidewalk and get arrested.
That's what happened to me last night.
I sat down on the sidewalk and I went to jail.
MALE SPEAKER: Ah, fuck you, Reno PD.
RIZZY: Yeah, seriously, I just got out of jail last night for
sitting on the sidewalk.
MALE SPEAKER: Reno's scary.
DAVID: Are you guys in a band or anything?
RIZZY: I play.
DAVID: What do you play?
RIZZY: Ukulele.
Do you want to hear an original?
DAVID: Yeah.
RIZZY: [CLEARS THROAT]
I'm sorry.
I'm kind of drunk.
[SINGING]
Santa Monica, Santa Monica.
I just turned 14.
Might as well be drinking gasoline.
'Cause it's Venice, Malibu, sand on the beaches just
turning to glue.
Came out with a brand new drug.
I decided to pull the plug.
And they said, oh, look what you've done.
They said, oh, look what you've done.

Well, you've gone and made a fool of everyone.

Well, you've gone and made a fool of everyone.
This is the most important part.
And I don't have to prove to anyone.

Because I've gone and made a fool of everyone.

[APPLAUSE]
MALE SPEAKER: Hey, thanks.

DAVID: [SIGHS]
Welcome, America, day four on Thumbs Up.
And we were in the biggest little city in the world.
We sort of had culture shock last night.
We got out of California.
And I ran into a vampire that offered to
suck my dick for $100.
And then after we turned the camera off, said
he'd do it for $20.
And then we had the gutter punks from Oakland that
somehow came to Reno cracked out, drunk, straight out of
jail, six or seven of them trying to figure out how to
get a ride out.
Its sort of sad.
But the girl, Rizzy, played a song for us that was, like,
pretty awesome.
And I know what you're thinking.
You think I'm a fucking cheater.
But think back to [INAUDIBLE],
Mississippi, Las Vegas, Nevada.
You now me, America.
You know I'm a fucking degenerate gambler.
You know what fucking type-- oh, shit.
Daniel, you got shit on your camera.
Let me wipe it off for you.
Let it rain, bitch.
Let it rain, motherfucker.
Fuck yeah, bitch.
This is literally the fucking shittiest city in the world.
Everyone knows professional gamblers don't play for comps.
But you play anything more than a $5 hand in this fucking
shit hole and the rooms are free, the back rubs are free,
the happy endings are free, the shitty
fucking buffet's free.
Like I said, we accept all rides.
We're just not going to pay for any of them.
So what can I say?

We're just on the outskirts of Reno.
My lips are chapped.
It's fucking dry.
And there's probably one car going by every five minutes.
And we found this beautiful Christmas tree, Shoemas tree.
And I don't know.
I don't know what the story is behind it.
But Harry took a shit right behind it.
And then Harry thought it would be a good idea to punch
his dick and balls between his legs and put on a wig.
We'll see how that turns out.

They looked like they were going to slow down.

DAVID: Uh-oh.
Hi, sir.
Can we sit in the back?
DON: No, that's illegal.
DAVID: Oh, really?
DON: In California.
Where are you guys going?
DAVID: As far as you'll take us.
How far are you going?
DON: About 30, 40 miles.
DAVID: OK, perfect.
Thanks for picking us up, sir.
Because it's getting hot outside.
DON: Where are you guys coming from?
DAVID: We started in Tijuana.
And we're going all the way to Alaska.
Yeah.
You ever been up towards Alaska?
DON: I've never been into Canada.
DAVID: Oh, really?
You hate Canadians.
DON: Nope.
DAVID: I do.
DON: Canada?
DAVID: Yeah.
They're the worst people in the world.
They're so nice, it makes me angry.

DON: I think I've only known one my whole life.
And I dated her.
DAVID: Oh, really?
You dated a Canadian?
Did she talk funny?
DON: Yeah, she did.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: That was just like a nice guy.

Rock on, America.
We're in America's wasteland.
We're in a fucking landfill right now.
Harry's fucking rocking out.
We got a band of refrigerators,
tires, rims, old bikes.
It's got everything we need for our music video.
[SHOUTS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID: Fuck yeah, bitch!
[SHOUTS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DAVID: [SHOUTS]
[SIGHS]
Fuck, man.
Life on the road feels so good.
And it feels so good to jam with your friends and fucking
break shit.
I just took 10 years off my life, man.
I'm 16 again.
So we're somewhere in northern California.
There's lots of trees, maybe some bears.
Maybe some gay bears, I don't know.
We were out by the shoe tree for quite a while until Harry
punched his dick and balls past his legs
and put on a wig.
And then we got a ride immediately.
There is probably one car going by right now every five
minutes, maybe one every 10 minutes.
Getting pretty hungry.
Sun's going to go down.
It's going to be really scary once the sun's down.
It'll be pitch black out here.
But cash is king.
Cash is cool.
Winning money is great.
But today I won twice.
I won twice.

I brought some napkins into the buffet
like any good Asian.
And Daniel, would you like a cannoli?
DANIEL: I'd love a cannoli.
DAVID: Here you go.
Harry, would you like a macaroon?
HARRY: Oh, yes.
A macaroon would be tasty.
DANIEL: It's good.
HARRY: Thank you.
DAVID: Thumbs up, America.
I won twice today.
And we're about to get a ride right now.

We need a sign.
We're trying to get to Oregon.
HARRY: Portland.
DAVID: How do you spell Portland?
HARRY: P-O-R-T-L-A-N-D.
DAVID: This is better.
It's unisex.
We toss salads.
People have to got to be able to read it.

As the sun goes down over day four, we go dangerously close
to the Oregon border.
We're getting out of California.
We're getting out of Nevada.
Who knows what awaits us in the Northwest?
We'll see.
Freaks come out at night.
It'll be dark soon.

Come on, give us a ride.

So ladies and gentlemen, you should definitely not
hitchhike at night.
We're having a tough time getting a ride.
It's not really the best time.
People can't really see your faces.
So we've been stuck at this off-ramp for a little bit.
I don't know why Harry's so sexed up.
Did you just shoplift a dildo?
HARRY: We need it.
DAVID: Wait, is that?

He just shoplifted a hard orange penis telephone.
Here's redial.

Why did you steal this?

This guy might be the biggest genius on
the face of the planet.
He just created thumbs up, America.
Thumbs up.
[CHUCKLES]
It's a fucking huge thumb.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: Let's give it a try.
It can't hurt.
We've tried everything else.

KEYLA: Do you guys need a ride?
DAVID: Yes.
KEYLA: All right.
DAVID: Is your car OK?
KEYLA: Where you heading to?
DAVID: As far as you'll take us.
KEYLA: All right, sweet.
Well, we kind of hit a deer.
DAVID: You guys hit a deer?
Oh my god.
Are you guys OK?
KEYLA: We're all right.
DAVID: Is the car OK?
KEYLA: It's OK so far.
DAVID: Is the deer OK?
KEYLA: No.
DAVID: The deer is dead, huh?
KEYLA: Intestines all over the road.
All right, well hop in.
HARRY: Thanks for the ride.
DYLAN: Yeah, no problem.
KEYLA: Yeah, no problem.
DAVID: You guys seem surprisingly unphased by the
fact that half of your car is smashed in.
KEYLA: It's my car.
And I really cannot do anything about it.

DAVID: Hey, I'm down for the adventure, too.

DAVID: Oh my god.

DAVID: Oh, really?
KEYLA: Yep.

DAVID: You guys are BFF.
KEYLA: Yep, BFFs.
DAVID: I've never had a friend that's a girl.
I mean, I did up until I was, like, 21.
KEYLA: Yeah, that's what we were talking about.
DAVID: How old are you guys?
KEYLA: I'm 19.
DYLAN: I'm 18.
DAVID: Oh shit.
All right.
KEYLA: Oh shit?
What?
DAVID: I'm just really bitter and jaded.

KEYLA: OK.
DAVID: I always end up having sex with a girl that's
supposed to be my friend, or whatever.
So then I always--
KEYLA: Ew!
Cooties.
DAVID: Oh, you guys love each other.
You guys are meant for each other.
KEYLA: We do love each other.
DAVID: Why do you want to fight it?
KEYLA: You and me were in a fight.
DAVID: I mean, you guys are fucking kids.
Do you even understand how hard it is to find someone to
travel with?
KEYLA: We're chilling because we're not
together, or whatever.
But if we were going out--
DYLAN: That would be a whole other story.
DAVID: Did you not see that this was a big
penis on the fist?
KEYLA: I didn't really notice it right away.
I'm not gonna lie.
DAVID: You noticed it right away and pulled over?
DYLAN: Oh, yeah.
DAVID: Awesome.
You should definitely marry this guy.
He's adventurous.
KEYLA: Ew.
DAVID: Well, America, nothing more refreshing than being out
on the road and being picked up by young lovers in love.
They don't even know it.
KEYLA: Maybe.
DAVID: Thumbs up, America.

HARRY: Jump!

DAVID: Thumbs up, America.
We have to cool Harry off.
He was sexed up too much.

I've got to change his name back to Horny Kim.
There's too much sexual tension in the air.
And that ride last night, whew.
You could cut it with a knife.
It was so thick, like Harry's foreskin.

What's up?
What's up?
What city are we in?
JOE: [INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: What?
JOE: Oh, what city are you guys in?
DAVID: Yeah, where is this?
JOE: Florence.
DAVID: Florence?
JOE: Florence.
What's up, guys?
DAVID: Dave, man.
Nice to meet you.
JOE: Nice to meet you, too.
DAVID: What's your name?
JOE: Joe.
DAVID: Joe, what's up, man?
This is Harry.
JOE: Harry, right on, brother man.
You're more like my family, brother.
Me and you got a lot [INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: What's up, man?
JOE: You guys should jump over.
DAVID: Hey, let's jump over.
HARRY: All right.
JOE: Come on over.
God damn it, don't break down the damn fence, though.
DAVID: What's up, man?

DAVID: Wait, you guys don't know each other and you guys
met each other traveling and now you're
like the three amigos?
JOE: Well, this guy, he started four days ago.
He owned his own business.
He had everything going.
He had a house and everything.
His wife kicked him out.

DAVID: You guys got anything you want to tell us, like
stories from the road?
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah, what do you want?
FREDDY: Quiet.
I need quiet.
MALE SPEAKER: [INAUDIBLE].

MALE SPEAKER: Hey, what--
FREDDY: I smoked about an eight.

If her tits were bigger, she'd be a 10, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: That's pretty good, man.
FREDDY: Yeah, that's all right.
DAVID: That's pretty good.
RICK: Let me tell you about this story one time.
I was in seventh grade.
DAVID: You were in seventh grade?
RICK: Seventh grade.
I burned down the school.
DAVID: You burned down the school!
Shit!
On purpose?
RICK: Yeah.
DAVID: Man, I thought I didn't like school.
I thought I didn't like it.
Come on, Rick, give it up.
Fuck school, man.
I fucking hate school, too.
I dropped out of school.
But I didn't burn it down.
RICK: No, I went back to school.
I got me a college education.
DAVID: They let you back in the school after you did that?
RICK: Yeah, when I was 21.
DAVID: All right, listen, listen.
Stop fucking around, you guys.
Let's fucking talk about the real shit, all right?
Let's talk about fucking pussy.
Let's talk about pussy, all right?
JOE: I'm a poor white man.
Pussy doesn't come unless, very rare in my book, man.
DAVID: All right, so when you don't get pussy, take this.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
FREDDY: I'm the best [INAUDIBLE].
I deserve to get fucked.
JOE: I'm the best man that ever fucked a woman.
DAVID: So then you need to make a road pussy.
You pack this sleeping bag up really tight.
You dig a fucking hole.
You bury the thing.
And you fuck it right there.
[GRUNTS]
Fucking road pussy!
MALE SPEAKER: Yeah!

DAVID: Rick, what are doing, man?
RICK: Come here.
I'm going to give [INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: God, dude.
[LAUGHTER]
MALE SPEAKER: Go for it.

DAVID: Thumbs up!
Yeah!
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: Do it right.
Do it right.

JOE: I call this my titty shot.
Now let me show you planet Earth.
I ate planet Earth one day.
I got so hungry.
MALE SPEAKER: I got a titty shot.
JOE: This is planet Earth.

DAVID: Hey!
Hey, Rick!
Rick!
JOE: Rick get over here.
We're going do a group shot.
DAVID: Do an ass shot.
Keep it tight.
Keep it tight.
Let's go, all right.

[LAUGHTER]
JOE: Are you guys on the road hitchhiking?
DAVID: Yeah, we're trying to get to Canada right now.
JOE: Where'd you guys start out at?
FREDDY: What part of Canada?
Victoria?
DAVID: Well, final destination is Alaska.
RICK: Alaska?
DAVID: I heard there's vampires out there.
And I want to meet one.
RICK: Well, yeah.
Well, go up the ALCAN highway.
DAVID: What do you mean, well, yeah?
You've met one before?
RICK: Yeah.
DAVID: You're a vampire?
RICK: Yeah.
JOE: [INAUDIBLE] vampire.
FREDDY: Do you know why we like Alaska so well?
DAVID: Why?
FREDDY: Because certain parts of the year, there's only 10
minutes of daylight.
DAVID: That's exactly why they're there!
HARRY: Oh my god.
DAVID: He knows, man.
He knows.
HARRY: He's seen them.
DAVID: The vampires are there because it's fucking
dark all the time.
FREDDY: If you guys see that Buffy chick, you tell her I
want my fucking teeth back!
[LAUGHTER]
DAVID: All right, Rick, I love you.
RICK: I got to find one.
DAVID: Tell the camera.
RICK: Check this out.
We all joins hands.
We all join hands.
God bless you.
We ain't got much.
Angemayou, who wrote a book one time, she gave President
Kennedy's inauguration speech.
But she said, we didn't have much.
But we sure had plenty.
DAVID: I like that shit.
I think you wrote that, Rick.
All right, you guys take care.
HARRY: You, too man.
RICK: Come here.
DAVID: Come here, Rick.
JOE: Love you guys, man.
DAVID: Love you guys, too, man.
Hey, you gentlemen, have a good night.
FREDDY: Hey, thank you, man.
DAVID: I love you guys.
FREDDY: You're cool.
[INAUDIBLE].
DAVID: You guys are the coolest.
You guys are true road warriors.
We're going fucking go see these Canadian motherfuckers.
JOE: No, you guys are the warriors.
FREDDY: Tell them you met the web feet tribe.
DAVID: You guys are the web feet tribe?
MALE SPEAKER: The web feet tribe.
DAVID: I love the web feet tribe.