Tom Cruise, Sex Cake and Troubled Testicles


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on 22.06.2012

Transcript:

RANDY: Today on the show, Tom Cruise, sex cake,
and troubled testicles.
JASON: No, it's not another night out with Andy Cohen.
It's "The Tweekly News," and it starts right after this
cheap animation.

Hey, welcome to "The Tweekly News."
RANDY: --where we dive deep into
Twitter's nexus of nihilism.
JASON: I'm Jason Sklar.
RANDY: And I'm Randy Sklar.
JASON: And we are @Sklarbrothers.
And we're taking a break from scanning Bobby
Brown's wedding registry.
RANDY: What do you get for the man that has nothing?
JASON: I don't care.
But I think he's registered at Crack 'n Barrel.
RANDY: Did you say Cracker Barrel?
JASON: No, I did not.
Nor did I see "Rock of Ages," Tom Cruise's box office bomb,
that has generated sarcasm and
schadenfreude all over Twitter.
RANDY: Comedian Andy Kindler tweeted, I hear Tom Cruise did
all of his own stunts in "Rock of Ages."
JASON: Unfortunately, he also insisted on doing all of his
own singing.
RANDY: [JOHNNY CARSON VOICE]
His singing was so bad.
JASON: [JOHNNY CARSON VOICE]
How bad was it?
RANDY: [JOHNNY CARSON VOICE]
His singing was so bad, he embarrassed C.C. DeVille.
JASON: [JOHNNY CARSON VOICE]
Wow, that is a hard thing to do.
RANDY: [JOHNNY CARSON VOICE]
Harder than keeping him sober.
JASON: Hey-oh!
Father's Day inspired some rare public infighting in the
Woody Allen household.
Ronan Farrow tweeted, "Happy Father's Day, or as they call
it in my family, happy brother in law's day."
RANDY: Mia Farrow then re-tweeted it and punctuated
it with a boom.
JASON: Nice to see they've managed to let that thing go.
RANDY: What's worse-- marrying your adopted daughter or
asking people to pay money to watch you play the clarinet?
JASON: I think we may be focused on the wrong offense,
Farrows
RANDY: This week, Miley Cyrus made her dad even more
uncomfortable when she tweeted, felt the spirit in my
dreams so hard last night.
JASON: Miley, it's called being roofied.
[STAGE WHISPER]
You might wanna call the authorities.
OK, now it's time for our patented and paid for segment,
time to re-learn.
RANDY: Just like EX helps people re-learn life without
cigarettes with it's free quit plan, we learned this week
that we need to re-learn that we can't always trust Twitter.
JASON: That's right.
Last week we called out Albert Pujols for one of his tweets
but later learned that it came from A. Pujols, @AnaheimAlbert
rather than the actual Albert Pujols, who tweets from
@PujolsFive.
RANDY: Now in our defense, there are literally billions
of fake Twitter handles out there.
JASON: Billions?
RANDY: We can verify that.
JASON: OK.
RANDY: Even Jesus has a fake Twitter handle.
JASON: At least, we think it's fake.
RANDY: Well, it was down for three days in April, then it
miraculously came back.
JASON: I remember that.
Here's one of our favorite tweets from @Jesus.
"The crappy part about being in the trinity is that you
have to buy your own Father's Day presents then act
surprised after opening them."
RANDY: Holy crap sauce, that's clever.
JASON: Here's an interesting fact-- @Jesus
only has 496,000 followers.
@thebeatles--
829,000.
RANDY: So The Beatles are more popular than Jesus.
JASON: At least on Twitter they are.
RANDY: OK, sports fans, it's time to get a little
ballsy up in here.
It's @sports.
JASON: Speaking of ballsy, Roger Clemens's shrunken
testicles were bouncing all over as news of his acquittal
broke on Twitter. "New York Times" sports reporter Tyler
Kepner tweeted, "Guess that's career win number 355 for
William Rogers Clemens."
RANDY: You know, that's a great point.
Congratulations, Roger.
You're a winner, like many other high-profile figures who
were wrongly accused and then later acquitted.
Folks like John Edwards--
JASON: Mmm-hmm.
RANDY: --Robert Blake--
JASON: Yes.
RANDY: --and OJ Simpson.
JASON: The Juice.
RANDY: Now, even though each tweet maxes out at 140
characters, a cool twitpic is worth a thousand characters.
JASON: This is Pic This.
RANDY: Country singer and all around crazy girlfriend Leann
Rimes tweeted this with a caption.
"Eddie's favorite b-day cake!
@mysweetandsaucy.
LOVE.
There was a Lakers jersey, a Bronco & a paddle board and
more."
JASON: All right, let's break this picture down.
It looks like she and Eddie are having sex on top of the
cake, which is a bed.
Meanwhile, one delicious layer lower, Eddie's kids are being
forced to hang out while they finish.
RANDY: So not only do Eddie's kids have to suffer through
the humiliation of being on that cake.
They now have to suffer the humiliation of watching Leann
give their father that cake.
Then, to add insult to injury, they're going to
have to eat that cake.
JASON: Because you know Leann's not touching it.
RANDY: Oh, you know she ain't.
JASON: [TWANGY FEMALE VOICE]
I'm good on the inappropriate sex cake.
RANDY: Now, before we log off, it's time for our end of show
tweets to re-tweet.
JASON: This is where we highlight tweets from people
we follow who we think you should follow too.
This week, Family Guy's Seth McFarland tweeted, "At this
point, Blockbuster employees are basically hospice
workers."
RANDY: Which explains why the only VHS that continues to
rent well there is "Cocoon."
JASON: Won't grow old and we're never going to die.
RANDY: You're talking about Blockbuster, right?
JASON: I am indeed.
Hey, that's for watching "The Tweekly News." And don't
forget to follow @thetweeklynews.
And if you want more of "The Tweekly News," go to
BecomeAnEx.org/Sklar for exclusive content, outtakes--
JASON: And of course, Bobby Brown's
complete wedding registry.
You know, there's a lot of glassware on that.
RANDY: And a lot of spoons.
JASON: I didn't know you could register for aluminum foil.
RANDY: You can.
JASON: Wow.
RANDY: Apparently you can at Williams-Sonoma.
JASON: Weird.
RANDY: Almost as bad as keeping him sober.
JASON: Almost as hard as keeping him sober.
Good read.
Father's Day--
RANDY: Even through it says "bad" in the prompter.
JASON: That never got changed.
[LAUGHTER]
RANDY: Dumb--
JASON: You're an idiot.
You can't handle-- can't roll with the changes.