Happy Birthday My Damn Channel! LIVE w/ Mark Douglas, Mamrie Hart, CoffeyChat & DailyGrace - 8/1/12

BETH HOYT: That's out of the way.
Hi you guys, I'm Beth Hoyt and guess what?
My Damn Channel is five years old today!
Hooray!
See, while this show, My Damn Channel Live, is only four
months old, the website that started is all,
mydamnchannel.com, just turned five years old!
Hi!
Yeah, you're a big boy, all grown up now, high five buddy!
Yeah, high-- yeah OK.
Ahem.
So we thought, what better way to celebrate a big birthday
than throwing a blow out birthday party.
So we're going to do that.
We're going to have in-studio guests, show some cool
birthday videos, and we will be hanging out with you guys,
and answering your Tweets and YouTube comments.
And check out this cake!
It's the My Damn Channel fifth birthday cake!
And it has, like, all of our friends on it.
Like there's the Sklar brothers, Jon Glaser was our
first guest, there's Reggie Watts- hi Reggie!
There's Retta, there's, there's, down here we've got
all- Gregory Brothers, Michael Showalter- there's too many
names to list, we have a show to do.
That's something, that's a thing of beauty.
And later, something pretty, pretty, special is going to
happen with that cake.
[SIGH]
Wait for it.
[DOORBELL]
BETH HOYT: Whoa, wow, sounds like our
first guest has arrived.
Um--
SHANNON COFFEY: Hey.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god!
You guys, it's Shannon- it's My Damn Channel's own Shannon
Coffey- also of the very popular Coffey Chat blog.
SHANNON COFFEY: Coffey Chat.
BETH HOYT: Thanks for--
SHANNON COFFEY: How are you Beth?
BETH HOYT: Well thanks for coming Shannon, you're the
first guest.
I see you brought me a present.
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh, well, it's actually for the site, so--
BETH HOYT: OK, well, the site doesn't have
any hands, so I'll--
SHANNON COFFEY: OK, um, fine.
BETH HOYT: I'll just, I'll take it, I'll take care of it.
OK, make yourself at home.
SHANNON COFFEY: OK, I will.
BETH HOYT: Thanks again.
Cool, present!
OK, so um, we've got this--
[DOORBELL]
BETH HOYT: --whoa!
Um, who could that be?
MARK DOUGLAS: Hey Beth!
BETH HOYT: Oh my god!
MARK DOUGLAS: This is so exciting!
BETH HOYT: OK, let's hug.
MARK DOUGLAS: OK.
BETH HOYT: It's Key of Awesome's Mark Douglas!
Hey Mark!
MARK DOUGLAS: Hi!
This is really exciting.
BETH HOYT: It is, it sure is--
[CLEARS THROAT]--
do um, you, you got a present, or is it?
MARK DOUGLAS: I didn't know we were bringing presents.
BETH HOYT: Present, present, present--
MARK DOUGLAS: Um, hold on a second, hold on.
BETH HOYT: --present, present, present--
MARK DOUGLAS: OK, I just whipped this up, last minute.
BETH HOYT: Oh my god, you really, you really didn't have
to do this.
MARK DOUGLAS: I think I did.
BETH HOYT: That was-- it's really sweet, I mean you
didn't have to, you didn't have to do that.
MARK DOUGLAS: You just told me--
BETH HOYT: You didn't have to, go find Shannon,
she's already here.
God, thanks again.
OK, so I was--
[DOORBELL]
BETH HOYT: --whoa!
Who could that be?
MAMRIE HART: Hey!
BETH HOYT: Hey, it's Mamrie Hart, star of You Deserve A
Drink! and the My Damn Channel original series Sing-A-Gram,
coming soon.
Hey, Mamrie!
MAMRIE HART: Hey!
I got you a present.
MAMRIE HART: Uh, wait-- h-how did you know to do that?
MAMRIE HART: Um, Mark said you really wanted them.
BETH HOYT: He is the sweetest.
MAMRIE HART: He's shaken up.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, he's great.
OK, I'll see you in the party.
You guys.
This is happening.
Friends, presents, we're in full swing.
Are you having fun?
We've got lots of celebrating to do, and don't think I'm the
only one getting a present today, because we've got a
gift for you right now.
It's a My Dam Channel original comedy video from the mind of
Sandeep Parikh, guest starring the awesome,
amazing Felicia Day.
It is episode three of Save the Supers, this is The Super
Force versus Cat-Astrophe.

ANNOUNCER: Previously on Save the Supers, the Super Force
has a terrible budget crisis.
Someone had to be laid off.
Morphman was fired because he got drunk on the job.
How will the team recover from the loss of their friend?
Find out now.

NIGHT KNIGHT: We just declawed crime today.
Because we captured Panthera.
WORLD MAN: Yeah!

NIGHT KNIGHT: Things were looking up.

My chair just malfunctioned.

UNDERWOOD: Listen up Super Force.
Thanks to the Team Revengers' recent glut of super villain
captures, the drift is overcrowded.
So you will be keeping Panthera, the most wanted
cosplaying cat burgling, escape artist
since RuPaul, on site.
Assuming, of course, you can handle that.
MERMAN: Absolutely.
We'll set up a 24 hour--
UNDERWOOD: Underwood out.
MERMAN: --surveillance.
Which, we will distribute among us equally.
WORLD MAN: Well that's not fair.
I should do less.
MERMAN: Well, why don't you take the bust of Nefertiti
back to the museum she stole it from.
WORLD MAN: You mean this one?
MERMAN: No no no no!
ELEMENTRA: What are you doing?
NIGHT KNIGHT: It's a fake.
Panthera is infamous for replacing artifacts with
incredibly realistic replicas made out of cardboard.
Brilliantly named--
ELEMENTRA: Dupli-cats?
Uh, really?
Why do criminally insane super villains love puns?
NIGHT KNIGHT: --dupli-cats.
Scrumptious word play.

ELEMENTRA: Mer, seriously, can I get a new chair?
Mine's basically duct tape and lady dander at this point.
MERMAN: OK, uh, we all get new chairs.
FLEET FOOT: Yes!
MERMAN: Instead of health benefits.
ELEMENTRA: Ugh.
MERMAN: Yeah, that's how budgets work.
El, I think it's your shift.
ELEMENTRA: FIne.
FLEET FOOT: Uh, Merman, feast your super
eyes on these @ replies.
I Twit pic-ed the Nefertiti dupli-cat, before Knight broke
it, and look how many offers we've gotten.
Apparently, people will pay real money for fake art.
MERMAN: Wow.
What's the best offer?
FLEET FOOT: Well there's this one from
@Panthlover for 2 grand.
And she mostly tweets life affirmations, so you know
she's serious.

PANTHERA: How long must I be in this purr-gatory?
Is it purr-manent?
ELEMENTRA: Please, stop!
[BEEP]
PANTHERA: Oh, wonder what the cat dragged in.
ELEMENTRA: Awful.
Just Awful.
MERMAN: Panthera.
We were wondering if you could fix this for us?
PANTHERA: For a tasty fish like you, I could.
But what's in it for mee-ow.
ELEMENTRA: Ugh, you've got to be kidding me.
FLEET FOOT: We could be character witnesses at your
sentencing.
we did the same thing for OJ.
MERMAN: Ah, he means Octo-jack, the
eight armed car thief.
He was stealing cars for his family, so we stuck up for him
and reduced his sentence by half.
FLEET FOOT: He got away with murder.
MERMAN: In a manner of speaking.
PANTHERA: Scratch each other's backs, eh?
You're one black cat I'd let cross my path.

MERMAN: Those are lethal, so--
FLEET FOOT: Oh, OK that's not nice--
MERMAN: Give this to you--

FLEET FOOT: Hey Mer.
Have you slept?
If I were an airline, I'd have to charge you for those bags
under your eyes.
[CHUCKLING]
In this scenario, I'm not Southwest.
MERMAN: Hey, let me ask you this-- when was the last time
you saw an Assyrian winged bull with five legs?
FLEET FOOT: Kids?
Did you do that?
DAUGHTER: It was Jayden's fault.
JAYDEN: Sorry, Daddy.
Sorry, Mr. Merman.
FLEET FOOT: Aw, who could be mad at you?
MERMAN: He's so precious, I can't.
FLEET FOOT: They're so cute.
MERMAN: Here's the situation.
We're heading out to stop The Chiseler from carving his face
into Mount Rushmore, and before I get
back I need it fixed.
You feel me?
FLEET FOOT: All right, well let's go!
Speed up!
MERMAN: Speed down!
You're saying here, OK, we already got super speed
covered, World Man's got it.
Bye kids.
I'll get you some water.
OK.

OK.

Doh!
Jes--
NIGHT KNIGHT: Sweatshop much?
MERMAN: I don't know what you're talking about, OK, I
mean, she likes making things, the kids are having fun, and
we get new office supplies.
I mean it's win, win, win, win.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Stop playing dumb.
The necklaces, the fancy clothes, the watches the
swatches; this ends now.
MERMAN: Does it?
I mean, I-I've almost balanced the budget.
We might even have room for your super baby.
NIGHT KNIGHT: Not like this.
Not like this!
JAYDEN: Goodnight Mr. Merman!
DAUGHTER: My hands are bleeding.
FLEET FOOT: Don't tell your mommy.
MERMAN: OK, goodnight kids.
Maybe you're right, I mean- yeah.
I, I can see you Knight, so--
NIGHT KNIGHT: It's not me.

WORLD MAN: Upgrading again?
Everything we're doing is right.
MERMAN: No, World, we're ending it.
ELEMENTRA: Well, I lost all my receipts.
MERMAN: Well, I'm going to return
all the office supplies.
And, I'm going to shut down the EBay page.
WORLD MAN: But, but the bidding on my World Man
enhanced Statue of David is up to $7,000!
You see, I enlarged the--
MERMAN: Whoa, something's wrong.

This is cardboard.
Who's watching Panthera?
It's your shift World Man.
WORLD MAN: --penis.
I was going to say penis before.
Anyway, you're watching her, I just saw you!

See?
There you are!
ELEMENTRA: Were you born an idiot, or is this because of
our yellow sun?
MERMAN: Panthera?
Panthera?

Ugh.
OK, OK, she couldn't have gone far.
Unless--

WORLD MAN: [GASP]
No!
No!


FLEET FOOT: That's gross.

[BARF]
MALE SPEAKER: Ew, that robot just barfed.
JASON SKLAR: Hi, I'm David Wayne, and you're watching My
Damn Channel, Live!

MALE SPEAKER (IN 'ARNOLD' ACCENT): Hi, yah.
I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Happy Birthday to My Damn Channel.
Yah!

BETH HOYT: We're back!
What did you guys think of that Save the Supers?
I want to get Felicia Day to make a cardboard copy of
herself for us, so we can just keep her on the set with us,
always, right?
We should ask her that, because, you get extra clout
when it's your b-day, don't you?
Have you guys missed any of the Save the Supers?
Have you missed them?
It's no problem.
Go watch them on our site, the b-day boy himself,
mydamnchannel.com.
That's what you can do.
Oh my gosh!
Hey, Mark Douglas, Mark are you enjoying the party?
MARK DOUGLAS: I am, yeah.
BETH HOYT: Having a good time?
Are you excited it's our fifth birthday?
Do you realize, like, what an accomplishment
that is, and stuff?
MARK DOUGLAS: I do, yeah, yeah.
BETH HOYT: You just, it's like you just
seem a little hesitant.
MARK DOUGLAS: Well, I just think it's amazing what you
guys have done, yadda yadda yadda.
But it's just that, When I heard there was going to be a
birthday party, I was hoping, there'd be a clown.
BETH HOYT: Oh my go-oh my gosh, we should have a clown.
We should totally have a clown!
MARK DOUGLAS: No no, it, it's still fun,
don't worry about it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, but we need a clown!
MARK DOUGLAS: No no no.
BETH HOYT: We need-- no, Nate, Nate come here.
No, Nate'll be our clown.
Come here.
MARK DOUGLAS: All right.
BETH HOYT: This guy'll be our clown.
Ah, we just need like, a clown suit for him.
MARK DOUGLAS: Oh oh!
Open my present!
BETH HOYT: [GASP]
Presents!
OK, cool!
MARK DOUGLAS: I-I'm not going to say what it is, but--
BETH HOYT: Alll right, you hold this, while I just do
this, we'll just put that there, and we'll--
what is it, what is it?
Presents, I love it!
[GASP]
No freaking way, it is a clown suit!
You guys, Mark, this is perfect!
MARK DOUGLAS: Yeah, you know.
BETH HOYT: Nate, go put this on, and like, while you're
putting the clown suit on, let's just like, answer some
Tweets and questions.
Hurry up with that though.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh, that means we have a. a, Tweet, or
a YouTube comment.
Let's take a look at it, it's from pilate--
pilaterox01.
Can I get a shout out from Mark?
I freaking love his work!
MARK DOUGLAS: Pilaterox01, shout out to you!
BETH HOYT: All right!
MARK DOUGLAS: Is that how you do a shout out?
BETH HOYT: Ah, that is the official, that is ex--
you nailed it.
MARK DOUGLAS: OK, I don't know.
BETH HOYT: You totally nailed it.
Pilaterock01 are you, rox01, are you happy with that?
I think that was great.
MARK DOUGLAS: Shout up!
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: We have another one, we have
another comment or tweet.
It is from RainbowMoobs.
Who would win the fight between Paula
Deen and Betty White?
MARK DOUGLAS: Hmm.
BETH HOYT: That's a great question.
MARK DOUGLAS: I would say Paula Deen--
BETH HOYT: I would too.
MARK DOUGLAS: --pre diet.
No, well actually, since the diet, do you think that she's
in lean, leaner shape, you know?
BETH HOYT: Do you think there's, do you think there's
been a diff?
MARK DOUGLAS: I don't know.
BETH HOYT: Has there been?
MARK DOUGLAS: I don't know--
BETH HOYT: I mean--
MARK DOUGLAS: --I think she's weaker now.
BETH HOYT: I think she's probably weaker.
MARK DOUGLAS: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: I think she gets her strength from the, from
the butter.
MARK DOUGLAS: Never count out Betty White.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, accept when it's versus Paula Deen in her
full strength.
MARK DOUGLAS: Yeah, but how old is Betty?
I mean, she's like--
BETH HOYT: She's like--
MARK DOUGLAS: --she's never going to die.
BETH HOYT: Exactly--
MARK DOUGLAS: She's like Keith Richards.
BETH HOYT: --she's going on 35 years old constantly.
All right, um, Nate, how're you doing?
Oh, you're--
MARK DOUGLAS: Oh my god!
BETH HOYT: --OK, so, you're, you did a good job with that.
This is cute, I'm just going to save this here, let's put
some make up on you.
MARK DOUGLAS: Yeah, let's do that.
BETH HOYT: All right.
Um, Let's see what the next YouTube comment is.
We're just going to get Nate all dolled up here.
Here, I'll put this on, your thing, how
about we use this white?
MARK DOUGLAS: Oh, OK.
BETH HOYT: Oh wait.
MARK DOUGLAS: I'm sorry.
BETH HOYT: You guys, this is a lot of things
we're doing at once.
I'm going to give him a squirt of white.
MARK DOUGLAS: OK.
BETH HOYT: All right.
This is from MrPenguinluvr.
Is-- why isn't Mark at the Olympics?
Todd is.
[GASP].
MARK DOUGLAS: Um--
BETH HOYT: That's--
MARK DOUGLAS: --well--
BETH HOYT: --I would be upset if--
MARK DOUGLAS: --I guess only one of us could go, and, you
know, I don't, I don't really care.
BETH HOYT: And then did you guys vote-- oh you don't
really care.
MARK DOUGLAS: I didn't really want to go.
BETH HOYT: Does he care?
MARK DOUGLAS: I'm like, I'm like lame like that.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I thought--
MARK DOUGLAS: Every time there's always something where
people are like, don't you want to go?
It seems like so much fun!
I'm usually like, do I have to like, get on
a plane, and travel--
BETH HOYT: Here, we can use this one.
MARK DOUGLAS: --I'm just, I'm--
BETH HOYT: Really?
I would give anything to go to the Olympics.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Also, Shannon just said-- we were talking
Olympics-- and she said, oh they really compete?
There's really competitions?
I love that.
She didn't--
that's amazing.
OK next comment or Tweet, is from maddiedaboom-
dabombdiggity.
What is a potato?
Gosh.
MARK DOUGLAS: Is--isn't it like a fungus or something?
BETH HOYT: Oh, I thought it was--
MARK DOUGLAS: I don't know, a root?
BETH HOYT: I thought it was a certain type of pants.
MARK DOUGLAS: What?
BETH HOYT: Oh, I thought it was like pants.
MARK DOUGLAS: It's a root or something, right?
BETH HOYT: Oh, yeah, oh that potato.
What is a potato?
Gosh, it's like a complicated question, because it's like,
does she really not know what a potato is?
Or does she, you know, want us to do something--
MARK DOUGLAS: Look, you know, this isn't Google, OK?
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MARK DOUGLAS: Just, look it up.
BETH HOYT: Right, you should--
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: OK now, whoa, next Tweet or comment.
This is from, um, drindeau.
Mark, what is your favorite parody that you made?
That's great question.
MARK DOUGLAS: Um--
BETH HOYT: I'd like to know that, too.
MARK DOUGLAS: --I think, uh, the last one we did, we did a
one direction one, that's out now, that I really like a lot,
for the song, "That One Thing." Um, and I also really
like the very first one we ever did, called
Kittens on the Web.
But that's not a parody.
BETH HOYT: Um, No.
MARK DOUGLAS: So I didn't answer your question well.
Sorry.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: I'll just give you a blue beard here.
Another Tweet or comment is from, this is from
SnakeBackFromTheDead.
Why is the clown sad?
[GASP]
Uh-oh.
Well probably--
Nate--
I don't know.
Nate, why are you sad?
Well--
MARK DOUGLAS: I think we can fix that--
BETH HOYT: Maybe, let's--
MARK DOUGLAS: --if you give him, just, just, give him a
smiley face.
BETH HOYT: OK, yeah.
MARK DOUGLAS: Then he won't be sad.
BETH HOYT: There's, you can use this for the
smiley face, too.
MARK DOUGLAS: That's why--
BETH HOYT: No, you make--
MARK DOUGLAS: --all clowns--
BETH HOYT: --you make him happy.
MARK DOUGLAS: --all clowns are sad.
BETH HOYT: This is how- oh, is it this?
This'll make you happy.
Oh my gosh, you're looking great Nate, you're really
looking good!
Um, I think that--
NATE: Ok but, we have to wrap.
BETH HOYT: Oh, we to wrap, OK, sorry, he's still--
still on the job!
OK, now um, but first, I want you to make us laugh.
Can you make us laugh?
Clown--
oh but wait, wait, let's get your smile on first.
Oh that's beautiful!
You look great with that red face.
MARK DOUGLAS: You know how I got these scars?
BETH HOYT: You look great with that red shade on your lips.
OK, um, make us laugh.
NATE: Ah, OK, ah, why did the cake go to the hospital?
BETH HOYT: Oh, that's not- I've heard that
one, that's not funny.
How about this?
Um, hmm, just suck on this, suck on this Nate, and sing
Happy Birthday to My Damn Channel.
NATE: Happy Birthday My Damn Channel.
BETH HOYT: That's the one!
MARK DOUGLAS: That never get's old!
BETH HOYT: Now, do it and like, dance and stuff.
Sing and dance.
Suck so-- yeah.
NATE: Happy Birthday My Damn Channel.
BETH HOYT: More, do it more and louder,
and sing and dance!
NATE: Happy Birthday My Damn Channel.
BETH HOYT: OK, now get back to work.
MARK DOUGLAS: Funny.
BETH HOYT: We need you to work.
OK, great.
Thanks so much for doing that Nate, thanks for--
MARK DOUGLAS: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: This party's going to be, just going strong.
We're going to be back with Mamrie and Shannon in a
minute, but first, I've got another special birthday
message from one of My Damn Channel's celebrity fans.
We'll be right back.

MALE SPEAKER: Hello.
This is American president Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
coming to you with a full heart and two working legs, to
wish a happy fifth birthday to My Damn Channel.
Go get 'em, you scamps.

DELIVERY GUY: Somebody order some water?
WORKER: Just put it over there.
DELIVERY GUY: You got it.
Hope you ladies brought fresh underwear, cause ah, you're
about to get wet.
I hear we got a birthday in here for a special somebody.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
DELIVERY GUY: Happy Birthday My Damn Channel!

You guys validate?
MARK MALKOFF: I almost never take the bus anymore because
they are way too slow here in the city.
My guess is, even a child's big wheel would beat a New
York City bus.

MALE SPEAKER: OK, go, go!
MARK MALKOFF: I'm going, I'm doing this, I'm doing this,
I'm doing this, ah!
This right here guys, I'm passing the bus, I'm passing
the bus, I'm beating the bus right now.
I am beating the bus.
I am beating the bus, I am beating the bus.
STEVE RANNAZZISI: Hey, I'm Steve Rannazzisi from Daddy
Knows Best, and you're watching My Damn Channel Live.

MALE SPEAKER (IN FALSETTO BRITISH ACCENT): Hello!
I'm the Queen of England, sending birthday tidings to
the colonies.
My Damn Channel in particular.
Bye.

BETH HOYT: Man, she's 86 years old and still cranking out the
e-cards, thanks Lizzie!
OK, I'm here now with Mamrie and Shannon, and it's time to
get the food and drink on, right?
Now, Shannon's helping me with the party snacks.
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh Yeah, I'm going to help, but first, I
really want you to open the gift I got you.
BETH HOYT: [GASP]
I totally want to open it!
OK, all right, let's see what it is.
Let's just get a grip on it and get in there.
And, and, it's a picture of Katchoo!
SHANNON COFFEY: Yay!
BETH HOYT: OK, cool, um, I want to put it on the set,
let's put him, let's put him next to this kitty.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: So they can be friends.
SHANNON COFFEY: Cause she's better than that cat, so,
she's just there to, you know, look better, and make that cat
feel bad about himself.
MAMRIE HART: That's an attractive feline.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, thank you, thank you,
you can date him.
BETH HOYT: Nice cat.
MAMRIE HART: Thank you.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, no.
BETH HOYT: You guys, look what's happening already.
OK.
So that's not all you brought, right?
Today--
SHANNON COFFEY: I also brought some ingredients to make a
very delicious snack I like to call the super, fruity, creamy
devil dogs.
BETH HOYT: That is a great name--
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, it's--
BETH HOYT: --for a party treat.
SHANNON COFFEY: --just like your average, party
treat that you get.
Um, you know, you want to like, locate some devil dogs,
um, and then you want to take a fruit roll up, and just
like, slap it on and roll it up, like a, like a tiny baby
in a blanket.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I see how you're doing that, mmm-hmm.
SHANNON COFFEY: And just, you know, like,
just smush it in there.
Um, and then--
BETH HOYT: Can I try one?
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh yeah, sure, don't be afraid to like, try
new things, especially on birthdays.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
SHANNON COFFEY: Um, and you know what, you can't forget
the whipped cream, because--
MAMRIE HART: Oh.
Divine.
BETH HOYT: That looks beautiful!
SHANNON COFFEY: What is love without whipped cream.
BETH HOYT: You put the little doggie in its
blanket, I like the--
MAMRIE HART: Beautiful.
BETH HOYT: So you locate the devil--
OK, this is it, locate the devil dog--
SHANNON COFFEY: Locate it, and--
BETH HOYT: --wrap her up,
SHANNON COFFEY: --wrap it up with the fruit.
BETH HOYT: Mmm-hmm.
MAMRIE HART: Uh-huh.
BETH HOYT: And then--
SHANNON COFFEY: Then you put the whipped cream on.
Were you listening when I just did this?
BETH HOYT: I just, I--
[HORN SOUND]
SHANNON COFFEY: You get too excited.
BETH HOYT: Well, we have a Tweet, you guys.
What is happening with you guys, let's see.
We have a sqwerl23.
23 10 bucks says Mamrie brought alcohol.

MAMRIE HART: OK.
BETH HOYT: All right, that's a fair bet, that's a fair bet.
MAMRIE HART: I'm not making that bet, I'm not betting
against you on that one.
BETH HOYT: It's a fair bet.
MAMRIE HART: I just said it.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: What are you guys snacking on right now?
All right, let's see.
MAMRIE HART: Ooh!
BETH HOYT: Oh, she's going into it.
Next ah, next Tweet or comment is from scotlight.
I met Mamrie once--
onec--
at the deli, and I tried not to stare, but she caught me
drinking tea adn I said, I dunno know, let's party!
MAMRIE HART: What?
BETH HOYT: Oh my god.
MAMRIE HART: That happens to me constantly, you're going to
have to be more specific.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, which, which deli?
MAMRIE HART: Yeah, I hang out at delis, late at night, a
lot, when people scream let's party at me.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, so that's, that's, probably that's a yes
situation, like 10 bucks that that happened.
MAMRIE HART: Mmm-hmm, my best friend is a bodega cat.
BETH HOYT: OK, this looks delicious, we're definitely
going to need some like, sort of, drink to go with this, to
finish up with our devil, uh, creamy, uh
doggies in the blankets.
Mamrie, what you got?
MAMRIE HART: Mmm.
Let me know, oh, I got you at a good time, right?
MAMRIE HART: Mmm-hmm, I need to wash it down.
BETH HOYT: Yeah.
MAMRIE HART: Well, since it's a fifth birthday, we're going
to make a fruit punch, for the kiddies.
BETH HOYT: Aw.
MAMRIE HART: We're going to be a little
tame today, I decided.
So, all you gotta do is add a bunch of juice.
Orange juice--
SHANNON COFFEY: Whoop, orange juice!
BETH HOYT: Orange juice is going in.
It's 5 o'clock for some of you.
MAMRIE HART: Florida's best, y'all.
We got cranberry juice--
good for urinary tract infections.
BETH HOYT: Absolutely.
SHANNON COFFEY: I got those.
Mmm-hmm.
MAMRIE HART: We've got pineapple juice--
BETH HOYT: Look at that pitcher.
SHANNON COFFEY: You can use the handle.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, we can't, yeah.
MAMRIE HART: I don't need no stinking handle.
We've got--
I'm using sorbet to keep it cold.
[GASP]
BETH HOYT: How inventive!
MAMRIE HART: Isn't that a fun party trick?
BETH HOYT: This is a really good party trick.
MAMRIE HART: Mmm-hmm.
And then we're going to add a little bit of ginger ale to
give it a little bubble--
BETH HOYT: Oh, I love it.
MAMRIE HART: --or effervescence--
BETH HOYT: Oh, big words, you guys.
MAMRIE HART: --as dick heads call it.
SHANNON COFFEY: I don't know what's going on.
MAMRIE HART: Big words, OK?
BETH HOYT: Perfect.
MAMRIE HART: Got some ginger ale.
BETH HOYT: What are you drinking?
Can we get a Tweet, or are you too-- let's talk to you guys,
what's happening?
What are you, what are you talking about?
I want to know what's happening.
I want to talk to other people.
SHANNON COFFEY: We want to know your business.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: OK, there it is, that's what I'm looking for,
give me one of you guys, what have you got?
Um, it's from KiddDelerious.
Hey Mamrie!
Shout out to Keenan and Nathan.
And then that face we're going to make later.
I'll buy you a wine cooler.
And then that face.
Wait, so the first face.
Can you guys help with that first one, with the D?
[INAUDIBLE]
MAMRIE HART: Um, what, how many
ounces in the wine cooler?
OK, Keenan Nathan, when you're legal to buy it, Keenan
Nathan, I would love a Pina Colada.
Or fuzzy navel.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Wait, a fuzzy navel?
[HORN SOUND]
MAMRIE HART: I would like to drink a Pina Colada out of
your fuzzy navel.
BETH HOYT: Oh god.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: All right, I hear ya, we have a YouTube, we have
a comment or question from YouTube,
and it is from cyriacx.
You three are wonderful.
Coffey just knows so much about life.
SHANNON COFFEY: I've lived a lot of life, it's true, I
mean, I'm about 46 now.
BETH HOYT: I was just going to say, are you
going to tell them?
Mmm-hmm.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, I'm- you guys want to
know how old I am?
I'm so old, that I know everything there is to know
about life.
BETH HOYT: Right, but you keep eating food
like this, and doesn't--
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, this stuff keeps you young.
MAMRIE HART: Preservatives, um, can I give you my present?
We've got one special ingredient--
BETH HOYT: Yeah!
MAMRIE HART: --that we need in the punch.
BETH HOYT: I love this, OK.
SHANNON COFFEY: I hope it's a picture of Katchoo.
MAMRIE HART: It's the world's biggest bottle of rum!
BETH HOYT: Yep, well I'm out 10 bucks, to you, oh my gosh.
MAMRIE HART: Yeah! it ain't a party till you've got Bacardi,
am I right?
BETH HOYT: Oh my goodness, pour that in there.
And then let's get these cups going on.
OK, we've got our food and our drink.
MAMRIE HART: And this'll make the kids sleep.
Really hard.
BETH HOYT: This is good.
This is a good plan.
MAMRIE HART: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Just don't tell them, they won't know, cause
there's enough sugar in there that you can't
quite taste the rum.
Um, so we've got our food and our drink, do we have any
more, can we hear a comment from you guys as we pour out
our drinks?
SHANNON COFFEY: You think this would float?
If we put in--
MAMRIE HART: I say you go for it.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, let's try it.
MAMRIE HART: Oh my gosh, it's a party boat!
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh, it's working!
It's working!
BETH HOYT: It's, it is working, whoa!
SHANNON COFFEY: Yay!
MAMRIE HART: We need to go into the
party planning business.
BETH HOYT: Devil dog--
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
BETH HOYT: OK you guys, so we've got or food and drink,
we've got our floating log in the drink,
it's almost game time.
But first, on a My Damn Channel original premiere,
this is McMayhem with Car Wars.
Cheers you guys.
SHANNON COFFEY: Woo!
MAMRIE HART: Cheers.

STEPHEN SEIDEL: In a far off distant place called downtown
Los Angeles, there are little men parking
cars with light sticks.
We are going to fight them.

MATT MCMANUS: This is Car Wars.

[YELLING]
MATT MCMANUS: Park your spaceship over here!
Park your spaceship over here!

[SCREAM]
MATT MCMANUS: You will stop scalping tonight.
MALE SPEAKER: I will.
I will stop scalping.
MATT MCMANUS: You will stop scalping.

MALE SPEAKER: I don't fuck around with spaceships, dude.
FEMALE SPEAKER: You know what this party needs?
MALE SPEAKER: I'm not sure, miss.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Dancing.
You got a ghetto blaster?
MALE SPEAKER: I got a boom box.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Same thing.
Can I borrow it?
MALE SPEAKER: Oh, I don't know.
I got my iPod in it.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Give me your God damn
music machine, Eugene.

MICHAEL SHOWALTER: Hey.
I'm Michael Showalter, and you're watching My Damn
Channel, live.

MALE SPEAKER: Hey, this is Martin and Lewis, wishing you
a happy birthday.
MALE SPEAKER: (IMITATING JERRY LEWIS): To the pretty ladies!
At My Damn Channel!

BETH HOYT: Those two guys, why don't they
collaborate any more?
OK, everyone's here.
We've got food, we've got drink, and guess what folks?
It's game time!
Who's up for a little limbo?
[HAPPY SHOUTING]
BETH HOYT: Let's do the limbo!
OK, grab the stick Nate, let's do this!
OK.
Let's start up here, right?
Let's make it easy.
Mamrie, go Mamrie go!
Go, go, go on!
Pshaw.
She's doing it, easy peasy.
Rocking it, Shannon, let's do it.
Wow.
Boys can do it too!
[GRUNTING]
Wow, that's fun.
Bring it down, boob level.
Smile!
This is fun!
MAMRIE HART: Oh my god.
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh, she did it.
MAMRIE HART: Got it!
BETH HOYT: Boom!
Rocking it out.
SHANNON COFFEY: I can do this, I can do this.
BETH HOYT: I feel like, I feel like Shannon's probably a
master limbo, ess.
Limboess.
Oops!
Oh God!
[GRUNTING]
MAMRIE HART: Nice, nice!
BETH HOYT: Hi guys!
SHANNON COFFEY: You did a hair flip.
BETH HOYT: That was, I did.
That was a close up.
Oh, we're going to bring it down, it's going to get hard.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Oh, we have a Tweet.
Go through, and then let's--
MAMRIE HART: No gifs, no gifs, no figs.
BETH HOYT: You're asking for it.
Here, I gotcha.
Boom!
All right, let's check out what this Tweet is.
Um, it's from Joseph Sama- Sanmarco.
Justin Bieber pinata in the back!
He called it out!
You guys, it's right here.
Lets, let's ah, bang the shit out of it.
MAMRIE HART: Yeah.
MARK DOUGLAS: OK.
BETH HOYT: I got a stick!
I'm going to just do one first, then I'll
pass it to you guys.
Oh god!
That felt good.
That felt great.
Let's just go for it.
Aw.
[YELLING]
MARK DOUGLAS: Uh-oh!
BETH HOYT: The sweet, and then the--
and then it's just.
Oh my god, I almost got hit in the backlash of that one.
SHANNON COFFEY: My turn, my turn.
OK.
BETH HOYT: He's a tough one.
SHANNON COFFEY: [SCREAM]
Oh my god, it's so close!
I got candy!
It's coming out!
BETH HOYT: The problem is that, I mean, who you think--
all I see is the bottom, but, OK, what if we don't hit the
front, we hit the side thing.
MAMRIE HART: He's known for his resilience.
SHANNON COFFEY: Get him!
Get him!
BETH HOYT: Oh, we have some candy!
[YELLING]
BETH HOYT: You guys keep going.
It feels good.
Try some hard ones.
MARK DOUGLAS: The real Beiber is filled with candy, too.
BETH HOYT: OK.
Really get it.
Get him!
We got candy!
MARK DOUGLAS: Very similar to Beiber's new video.
BETH HOYT: OK, we're going to keep playing, you guys, so,
you guys just eat your candy, and keep playing your limbo
till your back gives out.
Here's a special birthday greeting from Gilbert Godf--
they're like animals, they're like animals.
Um, here's a special--
from-- a message from Gilbert Gottfried.
When we get back, we're talking to you.

GILBERT GOTTFRIED: Happy birthday, My Damn Channel!
MALE SPEAKER: I don't, you know, Sandy said you were
great, but she didn't tell me you were awesome.
FEMALE SPEAKER: Well, she said some very nice
things about you too.
MALE SPEAKER: Wait, wait a minute, I don't want to know,
because she knows all my dirty secrets.
[CHUCKLE]
FEMALE SPEAKER: She said hat you have a very small penis.
MALE SPEAKER: No, no, I don't, I don't.
She--
I have a small pelvis, that's probably what she--
FEMALE SPEAKER: Relax, relax, that's why I wanted
to go out with you.
Tiny and soft is what gets me going.
MALE SPEAKER: Seriously?
FEMALE SPEAKER: Oh, yeah.
DAVID CROSS: Hi.
I'm David Cross, and you're watching My Damn Channel Live.
OK?
Sorry.
Is that one all right?

MALE SPEAKER (AS GOLLUM): Happy
Birthday, My Damn Channel.
Your show is precious.

BETH HOYT: I just filled everyone's
drinks, very cleanly.
OK cheers guys, thanks to, thanks to Gilbert, Gollum.
You guys, we took a break because he wanted some
refills, and um, let's talk to you guys, what
have you got for us?
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: OK, yeah, I hear ya.
CloseBrack3t, Mamrie, what you think of time Daley's body?
MAMRIE HART: Is that about politics?
Who's Tom Daley?
BETH HOYT: No, I thought you knew.
MAMRIE HART: No, I don't.
MARK DOUGLAS: Delay.
Tom Delay.
MAMRIE HART: Tom, oh Tom Delay is banging.
[LAUGHTER]
MAMRIE HART: I have no idea.
SHANNHN COFFEY: He has a body.
MAMRIE HART: I'm guessing he's an Olympic swimmer?
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh.
BETH HOYT: Oh, I think, I think we'd know that.
MAMRIE HART: And then in that case, I'll
clean him with my tongue.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, I'm with, I'm with you on that.
I mean, I guess if he's not Michael Phelps, then they
don't talk about him much, unless he's, OK.
[HORN SOUND]
BETH HOYT: Now, next we're taking another Tweet.
It's from um, adweaver0495.
Hey Mark, how many five year olds can you take in a fight?
MARK DOUGLAS: Mmm--
BETH HOYT: What is all this about fights?
MARK DOUGLAS: --I guess five?
BETH HOYT: Probably five five year olds?
MARK DOUGLAS: Five five year olds, yeah.
All at once, or can I, is there like rounds?
Do I get a break, in between five year olds?
SHANNON COFFEY: I don't think you get a break.
BETH HOYT: What if they're all--
SHANNON COFFEY: Haven't you ever babysat?
BETH HOYT: What if all five, yeah, if
there's all five of them.
So if there's six, they're probably
going to take you down?
MARK DOUGLAS: Is it, just, you know, bare knuckle--
BETH HOYT: Yeah it's just bare knuckles.
MARK DOUGLAS: No weapons?
BETH HOYT: I don't know--
MARK DOUGLAS: Maybe four.
BETH HOYT: What do you guys- four, with bare knuckles,
yeah, OK, five with weapons.
OK, next ah, next question is from Tim Matsay.
I'm leaving for college a few weeks, any advice?
Oh my gosh.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, how about ah, don't die, cause
then you can't go to college.
A lot of people don't know that.
BETH HOYT: Mmm-hmm, buckle up.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah, in college.
MARK DOUGLAS: Now's the time to try, everything.
MAMRIE HART: Yeah.
BETH HOYT: Try it all.
SHANNON COFFEY: Yeah.
Like beating five year olds.
MARK DOUGLAS: And you'll regret it, now.
SHANNON COFFEY: You know what, you're in college,
find a five year old--
BETH HOYT: Your body can handle it.
MARK DOUGLAS: Half the time you beat up five
year olds in college.
BETH HOYT: Exactly.
MAMRIE HART: Get that tolerance up off the bat.
BETH HOYT: And take it, here's real bit of advice, take
classes that are interesting, and that you want to learn
now, because when you get older, and you go, and you
want to learn things, and you're like, I was in college
for four years, and I could have taken all these classes,
and I, instead like, you know, slept in.
MAMRIE: Don't turn out like us.
BETH HOYT: Next we have a comment, it's from, um,
Brayden Fielding.
What's the clown's favorite color?
Oh my god, Nate, come here, we have a question for you.
SHANNON COFFEY: Ew.
BETH HOYT: They want to know what your favorite color is?
NATE: Green.
BETH HOYT: Green?
Like is it--
MARK DOUGLAS: Oh my god, he doesn't have any green on him!
BETH HOYT: Is that why you're a sad clown?
MARK DOUGLAS: That's why he's sad.
BETH HOYT: Wow, gosh.
MARK DOUGLAS: Get him some green.
BETH HOYT: Here you go--
MARK DOUGLAS: Give him something green.
BETH HOYT: Oh it's sticky.
There you go, there's a green, ah, devil
dog in a, in a blanket.
SHANNON COFFEY: Eat that clown, eat that.
BETH HOYT: Yeah, sugar makes the clown happy.
MARK DOUGLAS: We should call these devil wieners, and this
is the condom.
SHANNON COFFEY: Oh no--
BETH HOYT: Oh yeah, see?
SHANNON COFFEY: --this one has no condom!
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
SHANNON COFFEY: That's right, you're gonna get pregnant,
you're gonna get pregnant!
BETH HOYT: Oh my gosh, all right.
I know you've all been waiting for it, you guys, we have to
move this out of the way for a second.
MAMRIE HART: OK.
BETH HOYT: Team work here, on this one.
SHANNON COFFEY: Let's go.
BETH HOYT: Oh god.
[GRUNTING]
BETH HOYT: OK.
Sorry.
I know you've all been waiting for it.
Um, it's time for the big moment.
All eyes on the birthday cake--
Mamrie, come on, you're standing, come on--
OK you guys, eyes on the birthday cake.
Can I get a drum roll please?
[DRUM ROLL SOUND]
BETH HOYT: In five, four, three, two, one!
ALL TOGETHER: Surprise!
BETH HOYT: Oh my god!
[SCREAMING]
BETH HOYT: Silly string war!
Silly string war!
[LAUGHING]
BETH HOYT: Are you OK?
FELICIA DAY: I'm physically OK.
BETH HOYT: She's physically OK, but wait you guys, stop!
Stop!
Wait!
[YELLING]
BETH HOYT: Wait, stop!
Wait--
I can't control the children!
You guys, we didn't sing Happy Birthday yet!
We have to si-- we can't sing the actual song, because we
don't own the rights to it.
So everyone, make up your own version-- you at home-- make
up your own version of Happy Birthday.
And, go!
[EVERYONE SINGING]
BETH HOYT: Woo, back to the war, all right!
[YELLING AND LAUGHING]
BETH HOYT: Oh, right in my mouth!
And these!
I don't know how--
how do these work?
Aw, that didn't work.
[LAUGHTER]
BETH HOYT: Oh gosh.
Keep it going.
Oh wait, there's this big one--
SHANNON COFFEY: This doesn't work!
[LAUGHING]
BETH HOYT: This one is--
[SCREAM]
[YELLING]
BETH HOYT: I'm sorry, I think I just had a heart attack.
Oh my God.
Thank you so much for joining us, and supporting My Damn
Channel these last five years.
We're all going to be OK.
[YELLING , LAUGHING, AND CHATTER IN BACKGROUND]
BETH HOYT: Check out our amazing website.
No big deal.
Thanks to our guests Mamrie Hart, Mark Douglas, Shannon
Coffey, Daily Grace Chris'll b here tomorrow with Bella
Thorne, and guess what you guys?
On Friday, super special show, Tommy Wiseau, the writer,
director and star of The Room, will be joining me and
Videogum's Gabe Delahaye live in the studio to answer your
questions on one of the cult classics of all time.
Get your questions in!
OK, thanks for playing, happy birthday My Damn Channel, and
we'll see you tomorrow.
Bye!

MALE SPEAKER: Hey.
Happy birthday.