Sarah, Claire M, Tim, Richard, Claire W, Ben, Sonnie at ELOP Pt 3


Uploaded by rivercultures on 12.01.2011

Transcript:
jbjb So, anyway, em I sang as Stevie Sweet for about nine years, eight years, but in
this time I declined as a person. I drank more and more and, and, er, suffered with
anxiety and had no idea what was happening to me and what was happening was that I had
never sorted out just what damage the damage, I don t I don t know yah, damage can be repaired.
What damage all that bullying did. All that in, er unstability from my childhood, all
this thing of knowing, that just cause I love arse. Just because I love a handsome face
with sideburns, a hairy chest. Just because I love men, I m wrong. I m bad. I m going
to get beaten up. I have to leave home. I m afraid it happens, but it was, it s a shameful
thing to do, to me. So I hadn t ever addressed any of that. No one else could appreciate
it, and, I never used to think about it. It never came to me as a conscious thought. But
I was frightened. I was frightened because I had reason to be frightened. Every day of
my life, earlier, and the fear stayed with me and used to find anything that it could.
And during my twenties, em, AIDS and HIV came along and I was always, em, frightened all
the time. Er, when that came, it was just kepow. My, it, it just locked into, it s like, my fear was just looking for anything
and then this thing came. And er, it was so dark. To live through that. To just think,
m dying. I m dying. I m dying. All the time, to be twenty-five, six, four in my twenties.
Em so I would be drunk a lot of the time especially at night, just to get me through. Not roaring
drunk but, but, em, drunk enough to just take the edge away. None of us knew. There was
no tests. There was no cure. There was no name. People would disappear. People would
start getting thin. You were bad. It killed gay people. It was just more shit on top and
I can really only speak about my own experience but it was just, I can t do this one. I can
t do this one. ve done, I ve done all of that and and I can t do this one. I just can t.
But how do you live with that attitude. You know, really my attitude now is I ll do anything
I can. I ll just keep going. But that took krk, a change. And er, eventually, at the
age of twenty-eight, I had an affair, for quite a long time with a fella and he was
lovely and I was just, not a bitch. Not, not nasty, but I was very hard to live with. I
was slippery character, I would, I, I, because, you d sit with me and I looked fine. But I
was actually trembling inside. And I had to get to the ******* pub and get some beer in
me because, I yeooh, I don t blame me. How can you sit with it. And em, and it s habitual,
and it s addictive. So in the end, I was an alcoholic and, fake. I was I was fake em because
I was always covering something so that s fake. So there was always, there was always
a sort of a frantic edge to me to make everything laugh and funny, because underneath was just
a Eventually I just couldn t take that anymore. The career had, you know, it was just sort
of think people thought, isn t, isn t it a shame that he doesn t do something with it,
and the answer was he could barely keep going, let alone The leap to be successful in show
business, to get out of the way all the people that want to be where you are, er and all,
it s so competitive. And to be em, clever enough to break through, and lucky enough,
but clever enough, it took more than I had. It took more than I had. and when I was twenty
eight, I finally went and got some help. I went to the, pardon me, burping, and er, I
went to The Samaritans. I think I found The Samaritans and the, then I um I went to a
rehab thing for ten weeks and completely in two weeks it, it shook my whole life changed.
It, I think I was so ready that all it took was just someone to just hold my hand and
it wasn t going to be a man, which is good because that s not the most healthy. It was
a place and I went there everyday and er, and I got all of this stuff out. And more
than getting all this stuff out, that s not just it, was putting new things in and new
beliefs in and kind of like seeds that then you ve got to keep nurturing and one of them
was, just keep going. Always keep going, you know. Don t be hard on myself was the other
one, you know. There s something coming through the letterbox! Em, it could be an offer of
a movie! that was the best thing I ever did. Best thing I ever did was giving up because
giving up in that moment to something that doesn t work, and just going in, asking for
help, immediately it was like, alcoholism is an is can illness so you have an illness,
it s not curable but in can be knocked into touch so that you don t have to think of it
again. I haven t drank for nineteen years and six months or something. I never think
about it. I don t think I ll ever drink again. I don t think I d ever want to drink, why
would I want to drink again. I could do all manner of crazy things, but one thing I do
know is that drink doesn t work. I do miss I was at Gay Pride on Sunday and em actually
I m not sure. There was people that was interesting because I had all manner of good behaviour
and bad behaviour from gay people and em not violent behaviour but em pissing in the street
and all sorts, it s a carnival, thousands of people. I don t, I, I, I just stood there
and watched. Em, I was never really the sort of person to go mad in that sort of setting
anyway, but em I wouldn t want to join in something like that actually. Em no. I don
t know if I was ever really that kind of person. I just went along. That s what I mean with
the gay scene. Sometimes you, that s what s there, the most visible thing, you go in
there, you get along with it and, it maybe it doesn t fit a lot of people. And er, I,
I m much happier, er, having a meal with friends and things, er, now. Or going to the theatre,
going to a movie, or going to a sauna, or going to a sex party, or whatever, but something
that s not quite mad. But it still can be, maa, you know. She s an edgy old thing. I
got side tracked then from the Seventies and things, but anyway, so in nineteen, er, ninety,
I get myself better after all of this. It took twenty-eight years. And since I was twenty-eight,
I ve been me. Truly me. I think when I was sixteen, I went and found that man, and I
found the gay scene and that was the beginning of the not family me. The new gay person me.
But I was so broken, I was so frightened and er, it, it was not, it s not psychotherapy
is it. The gay scene is not psychotherapy. A path is not, er, psychotherapy. You sit
there and get gently numbed out, pick someone up, go home, ****. Well sure, that gets you
through the night. But the next day you ve actually not got anything from that experience
to, to repair you or make you better, if that s what you need. If you re fine, well yeah,
it s like going out for a, an Indian meal, or wouldn t do it either, Chinese meal won
t do it that s not what they are for. I, I got better and immediately then what happened
was that the Scott Tyler effect was, OK. I ve got a voice. I can sing like Judy. I m
thirty years old. I m not going to make it as a pop star. I ve missed the boat. What
can I do? And so I, em, absolutely targeted myself. I, I got all the Judy Garland videos
I could of her performing, and er, I got er, I started an association with a man called
David Buswell who does my music. He s wonderful and, er, invented the name Petula Garland,
which is a cross between Petula Clark and Judy Garland. And er, the gay scene still
remembered me. I mean a lot of people always knew Stevie Sweet, so er, they kind of gave
me just one show. I stopped for a year to leave him behind and them come with something
else. And so I got one show each place. A lot of places didn t want to know. Nobody
wanted to book Petula Garland. Who the **** was that, but er I said do not say former
Stevie Sweet, don t mention any of this. I mean he wasn t anything anyway, but, er, don
t don t link it to anything. Just in she comes. I got this wig and everything else and me
and my mate Jim went to the first club and I don t remember where it was now I don t
remember where it was. I think the first time that she sang at all was at an AA convention
in nineteen ninety three, four. And, explosive. Explosive! Em, and then very quickly a pub,
that pub I did, brought the house down and immediately it was like, Can you come back
in three weeks time, I ll give you fifty quid. Woo I used to used to get thirty. I did that
one then immediately then a phone call from another. I can t tell you how exciting. I
cannot explain how exciting. Here is my, my, em, my gig diary from then, and it s full.
And it s just full. It, it s, em, I was everywhere. I was in Hatfield, I was in Streatham, I was
at Ruby s Club, I was at the Woodman in Stratford. I don t know if that pub s still there. I
was in Reflections in Stratford. That was a, a nightclub. I was at The White Swan in
Mile End. This is in two days. I was doing two shows a day. I was at the Phoenix in Cheltenham
and then the Penny Farthing. I don t know where the Penny Farthing was. Em, I was at
The Hartington in Eastbourne. If that s still there, Hiya! Why don t you book me more. The
British Prince, which was in the East End. The Barley Mow. That was in the East End and
I like that one actually. They had a big, a big bowl that they with the ice in and it
was all very, and that was a nice one. I tell you why I remembered that. It s funny because
I just picked this book up. We hadn t planned it. But that was nice because it was a, the
thing about the East End was oooh, how could you explain it. It was very sensual as well.
The guys, by and large, weren t frightened of gay people. Hello babe s. Come in. And
the wife would be there like with very Barbara Windsor blonde hair and they loved you. They
weren t frightened cause that s the biggest thing I think about this gay stuff is that
people are frightened you are going to do something. What kind of a butch man is frightened
of a fairy. That s not very PC but, er, er, but come on, some camp little gay boy walks
into a pub and you have to beat him up? What kind of a butch man needs to do that. I tell
you. It s because he s frightened that his mates are going to think that he wants to
fuck that fairy, and actually, if he cares that much, he probably does. And, anyway,
what s the difference. What s what s all this matter. I think a lot of women are very, ah,
anti-gay. I think they are unsure of their femininity and they don t want us poaching
their name. Well quite frankly, you know, you don t, I ve encountered you don t lose
what you haven t got a tight grip on. You don t lose what you, what doesn t want you.
And again in America, I lived in America for a while and it s it s quite backward in it
s views and quite homophobic. And even the people who think they are forward, they are
actually, compared to us, quite homophobic. Em, and one of them was saying, I think the
age for gays should be twenty-one because you don t really know yourself until you are
that age. Baloney! I knew when I was nine that I was gay and at now, I m a little bit
more bi, in, in, there d have to be a man there charging this thing along but if Rod
Taylor said would you like to just play around with Doris Day or turn me on, well rather
I ll have a go. Because it doesn t change actually who I am at all. But, em PAGE PAGE
&`#$ &`#$ JACKY LOGAN Office 2004 Test Drive User Normal Office 2004 Test Drive User Microsoft
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