Wainy Days #8 'Plugged' (Jason Sudeikis)


Uploaded by MyDamnChannel on Sep 18, 2007

Transcript:

DAVID: You know, it's so funny, Beth, that we came to
the park to get away from the shallowness of everyday life.
And people around here seem to be more concerned about their
appearances than anybody.
When it's all about looks, you don't get a chance to know the
real person.
Like, what's underneath that bikini?
You know.
BETH: I know, exactly.
DAVID: No, seriously.
What's underneath?
Like, if you took off your bikini, what would I see?
BETH: Well, it's just like skin.
It's just skin.
DAVID: Oh, God.
BETH: Anyway, what do I know about you?
Who's the real David?
DAVID: Well, it's complicated.
BETH: Try me.
DAVID: I'm just a guy who wishes I could
have sex with someone.
I mean, there was Lucy Davis in high school.
And then ever since then, and now I'm 38.
And I don't know.
BETH: David, women don't care about what it is
you have down here.
DAVID: No?
BETH: No.
What women care about is what's up here.
DAVID: Oh, brains.
BETH: No, I--
I was pointing to your hairline.
Yeah, women like a man with a full head of hair.
You're balding.
And it's completely sickening me.
And I've got to go.
DAVID: Beth.

DOCTOR: You know, while you're here, we could fix up that
nose, highlight those cheekbones a little bit.
Would you like that?
DAVID: Can you do something about my chin, too?
DOCTOR: Sure.
We'll tell the insurance company
it's a deviated septum.

Jeremy, cancel my lunch.
I'm going to put Mr. Wain under and then molest him for
a little while.

Now, don't be shocked, Mr. Wain.
It sometimes takes months for the swelling to go down.
DAVID: [MOANING]
DOCTOR: Well?

JASON: It's beautiful.

Somewhere in that bar is the woman of my dreams.
I can smell it.
Yep, things are starting to look like roses for good old
David Wain.
MATT: All right, David.
Now look, don't get your confidence up too much.
I mean, after all, you are still just a man.
OK?
JASON: Have you seen how handsome I am?
MATT: David, handsome isn't just about a look.
It's about uh your spirit, your state-of-mind.
It's about--
JASON: Shh, shh, shh.
I can fake all that.
I'm David.
And I'm handsome.
If you need an extra pair of jumper cables, I happen to
have some in my trousers.
Don't get me wrong.
I like nipple hair.
I guess my favorite currency is first the dime, then the
quarter, then the nickel.
The new mortgage rate crisis is making it very difficult
for young people.
Ultimately, it's the best strategy that wins.
And that's why they call it backgammon.

Aw, ow.
MATT: Oh, Jesus.
David, come on.
JASON: My face.
My beautiful face.
They smacked the shit out of it.
Women hate me more than ever.
MATT: I told you, David.
It's not about the physical appearance.
JASON: Please explain.
MATT: Well, you see, David, they miss the
funny, sensitive David.
The David that, if they took home, he'd
be eternally grateful.
What you need to do is find your--
JASON: I get it.
I get it.

Wait.
Stop, stop, stop.
[GLASS BREAKING]
Hey, hey, I uh--
I'm sorry.
I don't have an appointment, I know.
But--
DOCTOR: But you want to go back to the way things were.
I've been expecting you.
JASON: How did you know?
DOCTOR: They always come back, sooner or later.
JASON: Oh.

ZANDY: It's great to have the old David back.
We all missed you.
DAVID: Well, it's good to be back, Zandy.
ZANDY: As Confucius said, "everything has its beauty,
but not everyone sees it.
DAVID: He also said, "before you embark on a journey of
revenge, dig two graves."
JENNIFER: He has Stephen Hawking's disease.
DAVID: Oh, the wheelchair guy.
JONAH: (ROBOTIC VOICE) Hello, Dorvid.
DAVID: Did he just call me Dorvid?
JONAH: Sorry, typo.

(ROBOTIC VOICE) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.